it were marvellous food.
(beat)
Plus - you'd have to have really big hands, to throw it all at once, and I don't have big hands. Look. They're quite dainty.
Paris looks, but is not interested
CAPULET
But they can still clap.
Paris shakes his head in disbelief
CAPULET
Listen.
Capulet claps his hands
Enter SERVANT, immediately, rushing
SERVANT
Yes, my liege?
CAPULET
(taken by surprise)
Oh, right, um...
Capulet looks around for a sheet of paper, finds it
CAPULET
Now that you're here, I mean, now that I've summoned you: here is a list of people that I'm going to invite to a most marvellous supper.
Capulet hands folded-up paper to Servant
CAPULET
I want you to find each person named therein and tell them the news.
SERVANT
All of them?
Servant lets paper flop down - it's a long list
CAPULET
Yes.
SERVANT
Can't we email them?
CAPULET
No. The personal touch is better.
SERVANT
(sotto)
Not for me, it isn't.
CAPULET
So. Tis done.
Exeunt
SCENE THREE
Enter Benvolio and Romeo
BENVOLIO
What ho! Again.
ROMEO
Hello.
BENVOLIO
You need to cheer up.
ROMEO
Yeah, thanks. Brilliant advice.
Enter Servant
SERVANT
Ah, gentlemen two.
BENVOLIO
Yes?
SERVANT
I am a servant of Lord Capulet.
ROMEO
Never mind.
SERVANT
And here be a list.
ROMEO
So?
SERVANT
Upon which your names appear.
BENVOLIO
Where? Let me see.
Benvolio takes the list
ROMEO
Why are our names on a list?
SERVANT
(to Benvolio)
Read the bit at the top. Go on, read it.
Benvolio reads, mumbling indistinctly; smiles
ROMEO
What is it?
BENVOLIO
Par-tay!
SERVANT
Tis a most marvellous supper.
BENVOLIO
Everyone's invited, it seems.
ROMEO
Will Rosaline be there?
BENVOLIO
It would seem so, yes.
ROMEO
(cheering up)
Excellent.
(sad again)
But then again, if it's at the Capulets place..?
SERVANT
All are welcome, sir.
BENVOLIO
It's true. It says so here.
SERVANT
Montague or not.
BENVOLIO
And we can wear masks.
ROMEO
It says that too, does it?
BENVOLIO
Well, it implies that.
SERVANT
What fortune! My cousins Del-Boy and Rodney have just acquired a consignment of masks. They will gladly sell to you, I know it.
Romeo warms to the idea
ROMEO
So Rosaline will be there.
BENVOLIO
Along with - and this is the important bit,
(emphasising)
All the beauties of Verona.
SERVANT
Tis going to be a right old knees up, and no mistake.
BENVOLIO
Thank you, slightly-out-of-place character. You may go.
Benvolio hands Servant the list
Exit Servant, taking list
ROMEO
Then we shall go.
BENVOLIO
That we shall.
Exeunt
SCENE FOUR
Enter NURSE with embroidery
Nurse sits, resumes her embroidery, humming and periodically licking her lips
Enter Lady Capulet
Nurse stops humming
LADY CAPULET
Have you seen a fly?
NURSE
No, madam.
LADY CAPULET
I thought I heard a fly.
(beat)
Anyway - where's what's-her-name?
NURSE
Juliet, you mean.
LADY CAPULET
Yes.
NURSE
Online. Probably.
LADY CAPULET
Again? I hope you've told her that we don't have unlimited broadband usage.
NURSE
I have, madam.
Nurse starts humming again
LADY CAPULET
It's you!
NURSE
P'dann?
LADY CAPULET
Buzzing away like a bee trapped in a Jeroboam bottle.
(beat)
What are you doing, anyway?
NURSE
I'm fashioning the prettiest of designs from the finest of threads.
LADY CAPULET
(sarcastically)
That's all right, then.
NURSE
(holding cloth)
Behold! The facsimile of a ladybird.
LADY CAPULET
Wonderful.
Nurse starts humming again, to Lady Capulet's displeasure
LADY CAPULET
I want to see Juliet. Bid her come.
Nurse gets up to leave
LADY CAPULET
Oh, nurse..?
NURSE
Yes, madam?
LADY CAPULET
How old is she again?
NURSE
Who, madam, your only daughter?
LADY CAPULET
Yes. Her.
NURSE
Almost fourteen.
LADY CAPULET
Right. Just checking.
Exit Nurse
Enter Nurse and JULIET
JULIET
Hello, mum. What's for tea?
LADY CAPULET
No idea. What do you think about getting married?
JULIET
But, mama, you are already married.
LADY CAPULET
Not me.
JULIET
I know. I jest.
LADY CAPULET
Then jest not.
(beat)
I'm talking about you getting married.
JULIET
I know as much. I was merely playing for time, so that I might think of an answer.
LADY CAPULET
And your answer is..?
JULIET
I'm only just getting used to being a teenager.
LADY CAPULET
(disapprovingly)
Hmmmm...
Nurse sits
LADY CAPULET
(to Nurse)
No buzzing.
NURSE
Okey-dokey.
JULIET
I hadn't even thought to begin to dream of marriage.
NURSE
Do you like the look of Paris?
JULIET
Ooh, I'd love to go to Paris for my honeymoon.
LADY CAPULET
Not Paris the city. Count Paris, of the House of Verona.
JULIET
Ah.
NURSE
Oo, now I like him. He's really nice.
Enter Servant, hurrying
SERVANT
Madam, madam! Mistress!
LADY CAPULET
Calm down.
SERVANT
The most marvellous supper is ready.
JULIET
(really pleased)
Wow! Food!
LADY CAPULET
Your dad's idea.
JULIET
Great. I am starving.
Juliet gets up to leave
LADY CAPULET
I hope you haven't left that computer on, streaming pop videos or anything.
JULIET
No, no, mama.
LADY CAPULET
Right then. Let's go.
Exeunt
SCENE FIVE
Enter Gregory, Sampson, Citizen 1 and Citizen 2
Enter Romeo, Benvolio and MERCUTIO, all wearing masks. Mercutio has his mask on top of his head [because over his face it prevents him talking properly]
MERCUTIO
This is the place.
ROMEO
I'm nervous.
MERCUTIO
Don't be a wuss. We're wearing masks.
BENVOLIO
And "all are welcome."
MERCUTIO
Right. Let's go check out the women folk.
Enter Capulet, Juliet, Tybalt, Nurse, GIRL and others
All mingle, Capulet eating snacks, Juliet has her back to Romeo etc., as:
Enter Benvolio, Mercutio and Romeo
Mercutio pulls his mask over his face and approaches the pretty Girl
MERCUTIO
(muffled, New York accent)
How you doin'?
GIRL
P'dann?
Mercutio pulls his mask away from his face
MERCUTIO
I was inquiring: how are you doing, only with a terrible accent.
GIRL
And through a terrible mask.
MERCUTIO
(re: mask)
Market. Bloke with a suitcase. What can I say.
Mercutio replaces his mask, as:
Romeo begins to do embarrassing, "dad" dancing
GIRL
(re: Romeo)
Who's that?
Mercutio lifts his mask away again
MERCUTIO
No idea. Now, then. Something you might want to know about me: I have just purchased a horse.
GIRL
I need the loo.
Exit Girl
ROMEO
(still dancing, to Mercutio)
Have you seen Rosaline?
MERCUTIO
Nope.
Exit Mercutio [in search of Girl]
ROMEO
(still dancing, to Benvolio)
Have you seen Rosaline?
BENVOLIO
No, but I did see a pair of size-nine stilettos abandoned by the curtain, so she must be here somewhere.
ROMEO
But where?
(sighs)
I feel so lonely. I feel so sad, and...
(sees Juliet as she turns)
Hello! Who's that?
BENVOLIO
Where?
ROMEO
Over there! A snowy dove among the crows.
BENVOLIO
Oh dearie me.
ROMEO
Such a girl! Such a beauty! Too beautiful for me to comprehend, as yet, in any other context.
TYBALT
Hang on. I recognise that voice.
Tybalt crosses to Capulet, as:
BENVOLIO
(looking across the room)
I don't know who she is.
ROMEO
But I must know her.
BENVOLIO
What I do know, though - Romeo, my dearest friend, is that she is not Rosaline.
ROMEO
Not Rosaline. And I truly have not loved until now.
BENVOLIO
Told you.
Romeo slowly makes his away across to Juliet, as:
TYBALT
(to Capulet)
You know that's Romeo, don't you.
(pointing)
Over there.
CAPULET
P'dann?
TYBALT
The maskéd one who has been dancing like a silly girl.
SERVANT
(to self)
"Maskéd"?
CAPULET
Oh, him.
TYBALT
You do know who I mean, don't you? Romeo Montague.
(emphasising the syllables)
Mon-ta-gue.
CAPULET
Yes. Got it.
TYBALT
I must fight him.
CAPULET
Oh, not now. Later. If you must.
TYBALT
I will not endure him, uncle.
CAPULET
I'm hungry. Let's get some trifle.
Tybalt is initially reluctant to leave the room
CAPULET
Come.
Exeunt Capulet and Tybalt
TYBALT
A trifle.
(looking across at Romeo)
A trifle, indeed.
ROMEO
(shy, to Juliet)
Hello.
JULIET
Hello.
(beat)
ROMEO
I've stopped now.
JULIET
Good.
ROMEO
I danced to attract attention.
JULIET
I would not have you dance for me.
ROMEO
That's a relief.
JULIET
There's no need, you see.
ROMEO
You flatter me.
Juliet offers her hand
ROMEO
Wow! Such a beautiful hand.
JULIET
(embarrassed)
Silly!
Romeo kisses Juliet's hand
JULIET
I'm Juliet.
ROMEO
I'm Romeo.
Nurse approaches
NURSE
Your mum wants a word.
Nurse returns to mingling
ROMEO
Let's exchange numbers.
JULIET
OK.
Romeo and Juliet write down their mobile phone numbers, and exchange them
ROMEO
We're engaged now.
JULIET
Oh yes! How sweet that sounds./
NURSE
(sternly, calling, to Juliet)
Your mother./
JULIET
Unlike that awful voice.
ROMEO
Is your mother here, then? At this most marvellous supper.
JULIET
Yes.
ROMEO
Who is your mother?
JULIET
Lady Capulet.
Romeo looks shocked, Nurse drags Juliet away
NURSE
You know who that is, don't you? Romeo Montague.
JULIET
Oh, no.
NURSE
The only son of your family's great enemy.
JULIET
And so my only love lies within my only hate. What irony. But then, what do I know of hate, other than what I'm told to hate? And what should I know of love, other than the love that I feel?
NURSE
You're in trouble over the computer, you know. Justin Bieber wallpaper. Ring a bell?
JULIET
Ah, yes.
Exeunt Juliet and Nurse
Exeunt all
SCENE SIX
Enter Romeo, waits in the garden
Enter Juliet, looks out over the garden [she cannot see Romeo]
ROMEO
(to self)
I know that it's night time, but here day already dawns at the window.
Juliet gets out a mobile phone, which lights up
ROMEO
Oh! The beauty of Juliet's light.
JULIET
I must text my Romeo.
ROMEO
(to self)
She calls me "my Romeo."
JULIET
&n
bsp; Let's see... a hundred and sixty characters, or less. Here we go.
(reading as she types in her message)
"Oh Romeo!"
(looks puzzled)
Where's the exclamation mark? Oh, there it is.
(continuing to read)
"Deny your father's name, coz your name is the enemy of my family. Be my true love and I will no longer be a Capulet."
(finished)
Now. Send.
Juliet presses a button on the phone, tries to send the message
JULIET
(reading mobile)
"Not sent." Oh, for goodness sake. "No network." Oh Romeo! Where are you?
Enter Nurse
Juliet hides her mobile
NURSE
Juliet! You should be in bed.
JULIET
OK. In a minute.
NURSE
Make sure that it is just a minute.
Juliet smiles
Exit Nurse
ROMEO
No need to text me - I'm here.
JULIET
(looking down)
Where?
ROMEO
Here. And un-masked.
JULIET
Oh Romeo! You are even more handsome than I imagined.
ROMEO
Shall we be married?
JULIET
Yes! Let's be married.
ROMEO
I must go shortly, but - don't worry. I'll sort everything out. Leave all the arrangements to me.
JULIET
At what hour shall I send for word of your news, and whither?
ROMEO
P'dann?
JULIET
When and where shall you be found?
ROMEO
Nine o'clock. After my jog. Friar Lawrence's place.
JULIET
OK. Go, then, sweet Romeo.
ROMEO
No. You go first.
JULIET
No, you.
NURSE (O.S.)
(shouts)
Juliet!
ROMEO
We'll both go at the same time.
JULIET
OK.
ROMEO
After three. One, two, three.
Exit Romeo and Juliet
SCENE SEVEN
Enter Friar Lawrence carrying a potted plant
Enter Romeo, slightly out of breath
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Greetings, Romeo.
ROMEO
Good morning, Friar Lawrence.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Woman trouble?
ROMEO
Yes! But of a different kind than before.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Does it involve Rosaline?
ROMEO
Yes. And no.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
How so?
ROMEO
I've forgotten all about Rosaline.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
That'll be the "no" part.
ROMEO
Yes, you see, I've found someone to take her place.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Who is it now? It's been Rosaline this and Rosaline that for such a long time.
ROMEO
Her name is Juliet. Juliet Capulet.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
"Ooh dear" is my first thought, but, hey, I can't fault your choice this time.
ROMEO
This time?
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Well, you know - Rosaline.
(imitating little-dog bark)
Uff, uff.
ROMEO
You must marry us today.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Wow, that's quick.
ROMEO
I cannot wait. I know it.
Friar Lawrence potters for a second or two
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Very well.
ROMEO
Oh, thank you.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Don't mention it.
ROMEO
I'll send Juliet a text.
FRIAR LAWRENCE
Better do it in the courtyard. No signal in here.
Exeunt
SCENE EIGHT
Enter Benvolio and Mercutio
MERCUTIO
Can Romeo be serious about Juliet?
BENVOLIO
Oh, he's always serious, and that's part of the problem. Let's hope that Juliet is "the one."
MERCUTIO
But a Montague and a Capulet? Can it ever be so?
Enter Romeo
BENVOLIO
What ho! We were just talking about you.
MERCUTIO
And how mad you are.
BENVOLIO
I never said you were mad.
ROMEO
(carefree, happy)
Well... perhaps I am! Mad in love.
Enter Nurse and PETER [who is holding a knitting bag]
NURSE
Hello gents.
PETER
Hello, gents.
BENVOLIO
Right. We'll be off then, Romeo.
ROMEO
OK, Benvo.
Exit Benvolio and Mercutio
NURSE
I'm glad I've bumped into you.
PETER
Yes, we are glad.
NURSE
I'm Juliet's nurse. She's asked me to find you. You have some word for her, I believe.
ROMEO
Yes! Please tell her to visit with Friar Lawrence this afternoon. She and I are to be married.
PETER
Ooh. Nice. Has she picked out a dress yet?
Nurse looks upset
ROMEO
What is it? Surely I haven't offended you?
NURSE
Quite the reverse. I can't remember the last time that somebody said the word "please" when they wanted me to do something.
Romeo looks embarrassed by the compliment
PETER
No we can't remember, can we.
NURSE
I will take your message. And I will keep your secret.
ROMEO
Thank you.
NURSE
(to Peter)
Come servant. Time to crochet.
PETER
Oh, goody.
Exeunt
SCENE NINE
Enter Benvolio and Mercutio
MERCUTIO
Where is Romeo?
BENVOLIO
No idea.
MERCUTIO
Ever since Juliet, we hardly see him any more.
BENVOLIO
You don't think they're together now, do you?
MERCUTIO
How could they be? Where could they be?
Enter Tybalt, and others
BENVOLIO
Oh-oh. It's Tybalt.
TYBALT
Oh. Look. It's Mercutio. Of the House of Verona and friend of Romeo.
MERCUTIO
You say that like it's a bad thing.
BENVOLIO
He means it to be taken as a paradox, methinks.
MERCUTIO
I wouldn't bet on it.
TYBALT
(to Benvolio)
You keep your "thinks" to yourself.
(to Mercutio)
And you - you are dooméd.
BENVOLIO
"Dooméd"?
MERCUTIO
All right, Tibbles.
TYBALT
Don't call me Tibbles.
Enter Romeo
TYBALT
(to Romeo)
And you. "Poetry Boy." Did you get my powerfully-worded email?
ROMEO
Er, yes. I did. It went into spam initially./
TYBALT
Whatever.
ROMEO
But I retrieved it.
TYBALT
I take it you noticed how I rhymed the word "head" with "dead."
MERCUTIO
So
that's what you were doing all day.
ROMEO
(to Tybalt)
I did.
TYBALT
(to Romeo)
And you read the bit about having a fight.
ROMEO
You made a few typos, but - yes - I got the gist.
TYBALT
Good.
ROMEO
It's not good. We have no need to fight, now.
MERCUTIO
(to Romeo)
What are you talking about?
TYBALT
(mocking)
No need to fight now? And now being such a good time.
ROMEO
I have no quarrel with you.
TYBALT
You are a Montague.
ROMEO
We are bonded.
TYBALT
Never.
ROMEO
I will not fight you.
MERCUTIO
Not going to fight?
BENVOLIO
He doesn't have to. Let us speak of peace.
Tybalt draws his sword
TYBALT
A piece of metal, maybe. And a piece of you.
MERCUTIO
(to Romeo)
What is wrong with you?
Tybalt brandishes his sword
MERCUTIO
(to Tybalt)
Cool it, Tibbles.
Mercutio draws his sword
MERCUTIO
I will fight you.
ROMEO
No one needs to fight. That's the amazing thing.
MERCUTIO
(to Romeo)
Do you submit to this man?
Fight begins
ROMEO
I'm in love with Juliet.
BENVOLIO
Not now, Romeo.
ROMEO
And she with me.
Romeo tries to stop the fight, during which Tybalt drops a ribbon that he is wearing
Mercutio is wounded, falls down
Enter PERSON IN BLACK, bringing on a chair, places it at the side of the stage
TYBALT
Job done.
Person in Black dusts off the chair's seat
TYBALT
I need to run