SCENE ONE
SETTING
Representing various aspects of Verona (see separate details).
AT RISE
The street is empty.
Enter SAMPSON and GREGORY
GREGORY
Not much on the box last night, was there.
SAMPSON
(chip on his shoulder)
I've no idea. I was working.
GREGORY
I work quite a bit too, you know.
SAMPSON
Quite a bit?
GREGORY
Yes. It all goes on behind the scenes.
SAMPSON
(unimpressed)
Really.
(beat)
Well me, I'm always working.
(beat)
Oh-oh. Don't look now.
Gregory makes it obvious that he's looking around
GREGORY
Where?
SAMPSON
Why do people always do that?
GREGORY
It's two of Montague's men.
SAMPSON
Yes. Hence: "don't look."
(beat)
But now that you've done an impression of a startled chicken - and alerted them to our being here...
Sampson draws his sword
GREGORY
How's that going to help?
SAMPSON
It's purely precautionary.
GREGORY
It's an accident waiting to happen.
Sampson brandishes his sword
GREGORY
You should have the pointy end downwards.
SAMPSON
Not where a Montague's concerned.
Enter ABRAHAM and BALTHASAR
ABRAHAM
Well, well, well. What do we have here?
BALTHASAR
(to Abraham)
A pair of unfortunates. What say you?
ABRAHAM
Your observational skills do you credit.
GREGORY
We are all unfortunate if to be a servant is unfortunate.
SAMPSON
Yet we serve with honour.
ABRAHAM
I am proud to be a part of the family Montague.
SAMPSON
But you don't carry the Montague name.
GREGORY
No. You're called Abraham Pudding.
BALTHASAR
Aha! We've all changed our names, now. So there.
GREGORY
But we're better than you.
BALTHASAR
No. We're better than you.
SAMPSON
Enough. Let a fight be the decider.
ABRAHAM
As you wish.
Abraham draws his sword. Sampson and Abraham stand-off against each other, circling, as:
Gregory and Balthasar eye each other up, trying to psyche each other out
BALTHASAR
Your nasal hairs need trimming.
GREGORY
When Sampson's killed Abraham you'll be more concerned with other people's funeral arrangements than their personal hygiene.
BALTHASAR
Speaking of which...
Balthasar sniffs the air, as:
Enter BENVOLIO
Stop all of this negative talk. Let us speak of peace.
BALTHASAR
(to Gregory)
Yes. A piece of soap.
Enter TYBALT
GREGORY
Yay! Tybalt!
BENVOLIO
Oh dear.
Tybalt steps in to separate Sampson and Abraham, pushing Abraham next to Balthasar
TYBALT
(to Abraham and Balthasar)
Hello, girls.
BALTHASAR
Ooh, now that's rude.
ABRAHAM
Who are you calling a girl?
Abraham brandishes his sword
TYBALT
(re: Abraham's sword)
Wow. That's big - for a knitting needle.
Balthasar draws his sword unconvincingly
TYBALT
Ha! A pair of knitting needles for a pair of girls. All that's missing between you is a big ball of yellow wool.
ABRAHAM
How dare you.
TYBALT
Look.
(pointing to Abraham)
Knit one,
(pointing to Balthasar)
And knit two.
BALTHASAR
(to Abraham)
Shall we stand for this?
Balthasar pushes Abraham towards Tybalt
TYBALT
I expect you fight like a girl, too.
Tybalt draws his sword
TYBALT
No matter.
BENVOLIO
Peace. Let there be peace.
TYBALT
I hate peace. I like the clang, clang, swish and thud of battle. Particularly the "thud" part.
(beat)
Very soon you will be squishéd.
BALTHASAR
"Squishéd"?
Abraham and Tybalt clash swords
Enter CAPULET, LADY CAPULET, CITIZEN 1 and CITIZEN 2
CAPULET
What's all this racket?
GREGORY
Oh, the usual.
CAPULET
The old "Capulet - Montague feud," you mean.
CITIZEN 1
Down with the Capulets.
CITIZEN 2
Down with the Montagues.
LADY CAPULET
Don't you join in.
CAPULET
Don't worry. I've just eaten.
The fighting continues, as:
Enter MONTAGUE and LADY MONTAGUE
MONTAGUE
Capulet - you are a villain.
CAPULET
Montague - you are a rogue trader.
LADY MONTAGUE
Don't have a go at my Monty. It's not his fault the conservatory fell down.
Enter ESCALUS and GUARD
ESCALUS
What on earth..?
The fighting stops, Abraham immediately puts his sword away. Tybalt reluctantly puts his sword away
ESCALUS
(like a headmaster, to all)
Look at yourselves.
Guard looks around with a superior air
ESCALUS
Can't you see how you're spoiling Verona? Do you not love Verona as I do?
GUARD
Well said, sire.
ESCALUS
(to Citizen 2)
You. Why do you hate someone only upon learning their name?
(to Citizen 1)
And you. Why do you rile someone who means you no harm; someone who would otherwise pass you by with nothing but a "good morning"?
(to all)
You should all be ashamed of yourselves. I tell you this now, if any of you do this again then death will be the end of it.
GUARD
So take heed.
Exeunt all but Montague, Lady Montague and Benvolio
MONTAGUE
Tell me what went on here, nephew.
BENVOLIO
It was all Tybalt's fault.
LADY MONTAGUE
I might have known.
BENVOLIO
I did try to stop them, with talk of peace/
MONTAGUE
And poetry?
BENVOLIO
No, not at this stage.
MONTAGUE
(sighs)
At least it's over. For now.
LADY MONTAGUE
Have you seen Romeo?
BENVOLIO
Yes. He's out jogging.
LADY MONTAGUE
Bless! He's been doing a lot of that lately.
BENVOLIO
He's got things on his mind.
MONTAGUE
Haven't we all.
LADY MONTAGUE
Come on. We best be off. We can catch up with him later.
MONTAGUE
Very well.
Exeunt Montague and Lady Montague
Enter ROMEO slightly out of breath
BENVOLIO
Hi! Where have you been?
ROMEO
Twice around the park, and thirteen times around the sycamores.
BENVOLIO
I bet Mr and Mrs Sycamore didn't like that very much.
ROMEO
Tis true, they failed to see the funny side.
Romeo gives a heavy sigh
BENVOLIO
What troubles you?
ROMEO
Oh, you know.
BENVOLIO
You're either in love, or you're out of love.
ROMEO
Love is out of love with me.
BENVOLIO
Oh dearie me.
(beat)
What's her name? Tell Benvo.
ROMEO
Rosaline.
BENVOLIO
(her image does not please)
Oh, her. I see.
ROMEO
I've written a poem for her.
BENVOLIO
(sense of foreboding)
Right.
ROMEO
I'll read it to you.
BENVOLIO
No need to trouble yourself.
ROMEO
It's no trouble.
Romeo gets some screwed-up paper from his pocket, unravels it
ROMEO
(reading:)
The night is awesome, The day is awesome, And you are awesome, Or some - thing else, pause,No. I was right. Just like the night, You are awesome.
Romeo folds the paper away again
ROMEO
I call it "Awesome"/
BENVOLIO
I don't./
ROMEO
And I dedicate every syllable of it to her.
BENVOLIO
All of that's for Rosaline, is it?
ROMEO
Yes./
BENVOLIO
Wow./
ROMEO
I'm determined to win her heart.
BENVOLIO
Best steer clear of the poetry.
ROMEO
Why? Are you not my friend?
BENVOLIO
Yes, of course I am.
(beat)
Remember: I know Rosaline. I know that she's not interested in you.
ROMEO
I disagree.
BENVOLIO
It's as plain as plain could be.
(sotto)
As is she.
(beat)
Romeo! You are a gentle, intelligent man. You need to find someone who will appreciate you for who you are; a girl who will not entertain herself by having you dance around like a fool.
ROMEO
(pleading)
So tell me how.
BENVOLIO
Come here, you soppy thing.
Benvolio puts his arm around Romeo
Exeunt
SCENE TWO
Enter PARIS and CAPULET
Paris sits, resting his chin on first one hand then the other, waiting for Capulet to speak
CAPULET
(chewing)
Do you want a Fruitella?
PARIS
No, thank you. But tis another sweet that you can help me with.
Paris smiles, awaiting Capulet's response
PARIS
(expectantly, prompting)
The reason why I'm here today.
CAPULET
No, sorry. You'll have to help me out. I'm a bit thick.
PARIS
The lovely Juliet.
CAPULET
Ah, right. You mean marriage.
PARIS
Yes.
CAPULET
You wish to marry her.
PARIS
Yes.
CAPULET
What did Lady Capulet say?
PARIS
She's not the boss of you.
CAPULET
It'd be nice to think that.
PARIS
My business is with you.
CAPULET
OK, then. Here's the thing. Juliet is far too young. She's not yet fourteen.
PARIS
But people are marrying young these days.
CAPULET
No, Paris. You'll have to wait a couple of years. But speaking of food...
PARIS
(doesn't understand)
P'dann?
CAPULET
I'm going to throw the most marvellous supper.
PARIS
Oh. Great.
CAPULET
I don't mean literally throw a supper, of course. That would be a waste of food. Even more so if