SETH
Just til I find something better.
He steps out from behind the bar. He’s wearing short CUTOFF
JEANS. Anna giggles.
RUSS
Dude, which side are you now on?
SETH
The side that tips better. Plus I finally
get a chance to properly show off my
package.
He turns sideways a couple of times so his friends can appreciate it. Anna is checking it out. Then Anna snaps out of it.
ANNA
How on Earth did you get this job anyway--
you’re not even 21.
SETH
I used my fake ID.
INSERT SHOT - SETH’S FAKE ID
So fake, it has a photo of a young black woman on it.
BACK TO SCENE
SETH (CONT’D)
If anyone asks, I’m a 26-year-old black
woman.
A BIG, FAT, HAIRY GAY MAN slaps Seth’s ass.
SETH (CONT’D)
(girlishly)
Fresh!
BIG, FAT, HAIRY GAY MAN
Don’t act like you don’t like it.
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. LIBRARY - MORNING
Seth and Russ are sitting beside each other, each having a
large opened BOOK WRITTEN IN JAPANESE before them.
RUSS
I’ve been thinking--
SETH
(interrupting)
Why?
RUSS
(sarcastically)
Ha-ha--not!
He slaps Seth upside his head.
RUSS (CONT’D)
I think it’s time you start dating again.
SETH
I tried! But girls won’t give me their
numbers--and they keep blocking me on
Facebook.
RUSS
That’s never stopped me, and you know it.
Now you just need to get back in the
saddle.
SETH
Why do people always say that? “Get back
in the saddle”? It’s like, “Hello? It’s
not a horse I’m trying to mount!”
RUSS
Dude?
SETH
What?
RUSS
Focus. (beat) I’m gonna hook you up with
the greatest social institution.
SETH
You’re getting me a hooker?
RUSS
No, but you’re close: a blind date. Her
name is Charlotte.
SETH
Waitress?
RUSS
No. She cleans rooms at the Motel 6 in
West Hollywood--that’s how I met her.
(beat) Long story.
Anna approaches them, sitting across from them.
ANNA
Hey, guys. Whatcha reading? Porn?
She grabs the tops of their books.
ANNA (CONT’D)
This trick is so old.
She forcibly lowers them flatout on the table. There’s no
material in between the opened sections.
ANNA (CONT’D)
You’re reading Japanese now?
SETH
You can’t?
EXT. CHARLOTTE’S HOUSE. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT
Seth’s holding a BOUQUET of flowers. He RINGS her bell.
Instantly, a four year old boy, JEB, swings the door open.
SETH (CONT’D)
Hey there. I’m here for Charlotte.
Without a word, Jeb waves him in. He ENTERS. Jeb shuts the
door behind him.
INT. CHARLOTTE’S HOUSE. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Seth and Jeb are sitting across from each other. Jeb takes
up a POLAROID CAMERA, and takes Seth’s picture. He places
the developing POLAROID into his pocket, sticking out
slightly.
SETH (CONT’D)
So you like photography? I had a camera
like that when I was your age. Didn't
know they still had film for them.
CHARLOTTE (V.O.)
(coming from down a hall)
Jeb! Can you come in my room for a sec?
Jeb gets up and goes down the hall.
SETH
(to himself)
Maybe I was a little older.
Jeb returns, without the Polaroid. He looks up at Seth.
JEB
Are you my new daddy?
SFX - THE ACTION THEME FROM “THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN”
Bolting up, Seth goes for the open window and dives through
it.
SFX - SETH LANDS IN SHRUBS
SFX - RUNNING
SFX - SETH’S CAR PEELING OFF
The beautiful CHARLOTTE ENTERS the living room. She kneels
down and hugs Jeb and gives him a CANDY BAR.
CHARLOTTE
You’re the greatest little brother ever!
EXT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. ATHLETICS FIELD - MORNING
Russ is dressed in his gym cloths, shorts and all. He’s
jogging laps around the track. Seth, also jogging laps,
runs up to him. They both leave the track and stop by a
bench. Russ picks up a BOTTLE OF LEMON-LIME GATORADE off
the bench and opens it and takes a slurp.
RUSS
Hey dude, how’d your date go?
Seth takes the bottle, pulls open the front of Russ’ gym
shorts and pours the Gatorade down. The bottle is almost
full, so it takes a few seconds; Russ doesn’t resist. He
casually keeps his hands at his side. There’s a pause.
RUSS (CONT’D)
So how did it go?
Seth nods.
SETH
Not so good.
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. GYMNASIUM - MORNING
Two teams of HOT GIRLS are playing volleyball. Seth and
Russ are standing high on the bleachers, watching. Russ
takes out a HACKEY SACK.
RUSS
Have you ever heard of the hackey sack
intro?
SETH
Once...(beat)...is that like "Two Girls,
One Cup"?
RUSS
Yeah. That was a good movie. But no, I’m
talking about the one using an actual
hackey sack.
He holds up the beanbag.
RUSS (CONT’D)
You over think things. We need to strip
this down to the simplest decision-
making possibility. Throw this blindly
into a crowd of hot girls. Whoever catches
it, you ask out.
Seth turns his back to the hot volleyball players...
REAR SHOT - SETH
...and tosses it over his shoulder. Someone can be heard
catching it. Seth turns around and looks down. Lance has
caught it. Apparently, he’s playing with the girls.
LANCE
Yoo-hoo! Did you loose your hackey sack?
SETH
No. I’d better not.
CUT TO:
Another toss over the shoulder. Seth turns. This time a hot
girl, STELLA, has caught it.
SETH
Hey! Thanks for catching it for me! Do you
want to go out?
STELLA
Sure!
SETH
Great! (beat) What’s your name?
INT. A FANCY REST
AURANT. DINING AREA - EVENING
TWO SHOT - SETH AND STELLA
Seth and Stella are in formal wear, seating across from each other. There’s a little CANDLE in between them. Seth withdraws a BOOK OF MATCHES.
SETH (CONT’D)
Here, let me light this.
He withdraws and strikes a MATCH. He lights the candle.
SETH (CONT’D)
Y’know, I should warn you: I’ve been
going out more often after a messy
breakup...
He shakes the match out. He tosses the extinguished match over his shoulder.
SETH (CONT’D)
...and something always goes wrong.
WIDE OUT
An entire wall behind Seth is suddenly engulfed in flames.
SFX - A WOMAN SCREAMS
A WAITER runs up with a FIRE EXTINGUISHER and begins to put
it out.
SETH (CONT’D)
(ashamedly)
See.
STELLA
I should have seen it, but I’m not even
sure what just happened.
We PAN OVER to another table across the retaurant. Anna, in
a formal gown, is on a date with a nerdish fellow, the UCLA
JERK.
UCLA JERK
Twenty hours of community service with
Habitat for Humanity--twenty hours--don’t
get me wrong, I’m okay with that. Coz,
y’know, UCLA likes its new freshman to be,
y’know, active in the community--but c’mon!
Isn’t twenty hours enough? That’s like my
eleventh grade chemistry teacher, Dr.
Udell--now I’m not sure if he was Russian
or Ukranian--and I’m okay with that, I
mean--but it’s just helpful to know; I
don’t want to offend him. Some people are
okay with saying things that are offensive-and
I’m okay with that because this is
America, y’know, and our founding fathers
intended all of us to have freedom of
speech, not just the ones with something
popular to say. Do you like that? I just
thought of that right now. Maybe you don’t,
and I’m okay with that, but if you didn’t
like it, I’d want to know coz I don’t want
to be in UCLA and throw out a bad line at a
party.
Anna rubs her temples in sheer annoyance.
UCLA JERK (CONT’D)
Maybe he was Russian--do you know him?
EXT. FANCY RESTAURANT. ALLEY - EVENING
There are two windows perpendicular to each other--one is
connected to the men’s room, the other’s the ladies’ room.
Seth and Anna both open and place a leg over the sill at
the same time.
ANNA
Wow, this is an awkward coincidence.
SETH
I hear you, sister.
There’s thirty seconds of silence.
SETH (CONT’D)
So...(beat)...how’s it going?
ANNA
I have a leg out the window; I’m about
to jump and run for sweet freedom.
SETH
Me too!
There’s another pause.
SETH (CONT’D)
Look, this is crazy, Anna. It’s two
stories. You can break something.
ANNA
And I’m okay with that. Damnit! Now I
need to be deprogrammed. Why are you
ditching your date?
SETH
She thinks Val Kilmer was the best
Batman.
ANNA
Dumb bitch.
SETH
I know.
There’s another pause.
SETH (CONT’D)
Okay, look, on the count of three, we’ll
both go back into the restroom, go into
the restaurant and try to enjoy
ourselves, okay? Neither of us will jump.
ANNA
Sounds good.
SETH
One, two,...
They both slowly ease into the restrooms.
SETH (CONT’D)
...three!
They leap out the windows, grab each other and fall. They
land in an open dumpster. The dumpster’s lids close after
them. The lids rise. They stand up, giggling like morons.
He has a half-empty CAN OF BEER in his hand. He tilts his
head back, beginning to chug the rest up.
ANNA
(in a patronizing tone)
Seth, remember what I told you about
putting stuff you find in the trash in
your mouth?
Seth finishes the beer. He throws the can. It lands
with his finger suggestively.
SETH
Anna, you’ve got a little...
ANNA
What?
SETH
You have a little...(beat)...condom on
your cheek.
She YELPS and brushes a USED CONDOM off her cheek.
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. HALLWAY - MORNING
Russ and STONER JEFF and STEVE are in a circle, kicking
around the old hackey sack. Seth ENTERS and grabs the hackeysack in midair and takes off with it. Worried, Russ
follows.
RUSS
Dude? Dude?
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. MEN’S RESTROOM - MORNING
The two ENTER the restroom. Seth leads Russ to the stall
farthest from the door. He swings the door wide open and
tosses the beanbag into the toilet...
SETH
I’ll see you in Hell, hackey sack!
...and depresses the flush handle with his foot--WHOOSH!-and
the toy gets stuck in the hole. Disappointed, he
repeatedly tries to flush it, with Russ looking on in
surprise.
SETH (CONT’D)
See you...(beat)...see you...(beat)...
see--
Clogged, the toilet begins to overflow...as does all the
urinals behind them. They see this.
SETH (CONT’D)
Oh my God! We’ve started some kind of
chain reaction! Always with me and the
toilets!
Running out--with the sinks backing up and overflowing-Seth
pounds open an unlocked stall door. Three BULLIES have
turned a NERD upside down, stuffing his head in the bowl.
BULLY #1
(to the nerd)
This is for bringing up the grading curve!
Russ stops to warn them.
RUSS
Run!
Russ continues running.
BULLY #2
Let’s get’im out!
BULLY #1
(places a hand on #2’s shoulder)
It’s too late for him.
They all run for it, leaving the nerd alone in the rising
waters, his arms and legs flaying skyward.
NERD (V.O.)
You’ll all pay for this! Shit!
SHIIIIIT!!!
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. MR. GEE’S CLASS - NOON
PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR (V.O.)
(over P.A. system)
Due to the massive flooding on the first
floor, hackey sacks and hackey s
ack
paraphernalia are hereby banned from
school premises. Although I am legally
not allowed to say the name of the
student responsible, I can tell you he’s
in Mr. Gee’s class right now, wearing a
Weird Al Yankovic tee under a checkered
over=shirt.
SETH
Lots of people like Weird Al.
A volley of HACKEY SACKS strike Seth from all angles, and a
CAN OF RED BULL strikes him on the side of his head.
SETH (CONT’D)
OW! He said “hackey sacks,” not “Red Bull.”
GUY WHO THREW RED BULL (O.S.)
“...gives you wings!”
EXT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. FRONT ENTRANCE - EVENING
Students are leaving school. TWO MORMONS, dressed
alike, are passing out BOOKS OF MORMON to passerbys. A GOTH
GIRL approaches them. MORMON #1 hands her a Bible.
MORMON #1
Don’t go to Hell. Accept Jesus Christ.
A JEWISH BOY, wearing a YAMAKUH, approaches them. Mormon
#1 hands him a Book.
MORMON #1 (CONT’D)
Don’t go to Hell. Accept Jesus Christ,
become LDS.
A MUSLIM GIRL, wearing the full Muslim dress attire,
approaches them. Mormon #1 hands her a Bible.
MORMON #1 (CONT’D)
Don’t go to Hell. Accept Jesus Christ,
becomes LDS.
Seth, Russ and Anna approach them.
SETH
So, are you fun Mormons like the Mormons