in "The Book of Mormon" or obnoxious
Mormons like real-life Mormons?
The Mormons briefly consider this.
MORMON #2
Real-life Mormons.
Mormon #1 holds out a Book. Russ makes like he’s about to take it. Then, with is other hand, he punches him in the gut. He kneels down, the wind knocked out of him.
RUSS
Run for the Hollywood Hills! Run for
freedom!
The three cheese it. Mormon #2 helps his friend get up.
MORMON #2
They’re getting away!
MORMON #1
Quick, to the Mormonmobile!
MORMON #2
You’re talking about your stationwagon?
MORMON #1
Yes.
CLOSE-UP - THE “MORMONMOBILE’S” REAR BUMPER
The vanity plate says “CONVERT.” There’s a BUMPERSTICKER:
“I Brake for Jesus”. It “speeds”--going maybe 25 mph--off
after Seth and co. We WIDE OUT.
SFX - CLICHÉ CHASE MUSIC
Seth and the Mormons are “racing”--about 15 mph because
of traffic and their cars are so crappy--down the
residential street.
INT. SETH’S CAR - EVENING
Russ is in the backseat. Anna is riding shotgun. The
Mormons pullup on his left and Mormon #2 begins
throwing his supply of Books at them.
RUSS
Oh, man, they’re throwing cheap Books of
Mormonism at us!
The Bibles bounce harmlessly off the rear side window..
RUSS (CONT’D)
They’re scuffing up your window!
SETH
Damn you, Mormons! Damn you to
Purgatory!
The Mormons pull up ahead...slightly. A Book slams into
the deadcenter of the windshield, cross first. Anna
shrieks. Seth swerves for a second but corrects the car.
SETH (CONT’D)
It’s okay, Anna!
He turns the wipers on. There’s a small squirt of wiper
fluid, a few strokes of the wipers, and it is gone.
SETH (CONT’D)
I have a plan!
He turns on his right blinker, and checks over his shoulder.
SETH (CONT’D)
See you in Hell!
He turns the wheel a little to the right, jumping the curb
and striking--but not knocking down--a MAILBOX. They all
jerk forward but are uninjured. He narrowly misses a LITTLE
DOGGIE--it jumps outta the way, into the street. The
stationwagon stops instantly. That’s how slow it was going.
INT. MORMON #1’S STATIONWAGON - EVENING
MORMON #1
Should we get out and try to help?
MORMON #2
Go, go, go!
AERIAL SHOT - THE STREET
The stationwagon peels off like a bat out of Hell. They run
over the little doggie, probably killing it.
ANNA (V.O.)
I can’t believe it. You couldn’t even
knock over a mailbox.
RUSS (V.O.)
This car is so weak!
INT. CATHEDRAL - DAY
CLOSE SHOT - SETH AND RUSS FROM WAIST UP
They’re standing side-by-side at the altar. Their heads are
bowed and their eyes are slightly shut. Although their
hands are below sight of view, they seem to be interlocked
like in prayer. The RUNNING WATER of a fountain(?) can be
heard in the background.
SETH
(softly)
The mechanic said it’ll cost me $1,500 to
fix my car.
RUSS
(softly)
$1,500?
(screaming)
Jesus Christ!
(softly again)
Yeah, there he is.
He looks up for a second. So does Seth.
INSERT - A LIFE-SIZE JESUS ON A CROSS ABOVE THE PULPIT
They both return their gaze back down.
SETH
So, I’m just going to buy a new used one
tomorrow.
RUSS
Great. I’ll come with you--because, you
know, everything is funnier when I'm
around. I make things an adventure.
SETH
You sure do.
with his right arm.
SFX - ZIPPER
WIDE OUT
Seth turns to leave.
RUSS
Wait up!
He turns quickly, zipping up his fly as he follows him.
They’re almost out of the great cathedral. A PRIEST turns
the corner, coming toward them. Russ stops for a moment and
pats him on the shoulder.
RUSS (CONT’D)
(to priest)
Thanks for letting us use the bathroom,
padre.
He then hurries out, following Seth.
PRIEST
Bathroom?
EXT. CATHEDRAL. EAVES - DAY
A flock of PIGEONS is peacefully priming and COOING.
PRIEST (V.O.)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Startled, the pigeons fly off.
EXT. THE REAL AMERICAN STÄN USED CAR DEALERSHIP - DAY
THE REAL AMERICAN STÄN, a young Eastern European man--he
speaks with the accent--wearing a “used carsalesman” suit-(
you know the outfit)--approaches them.
STÄN
Hello, my friends.
Excited, Russ grabs Seth’s arm.
RUSS
I can’t believe it! It’s the real Real
American Stän! I see your ads on early
morning TV all the time! Dude!
STÄN
Dude!
RUSS
Dude!
STÄN
Dude!
RUSS
Okay, that’s enough. Can I have your
autograph?
Russ hands him a PEN and PAD.
STÄN
Okie-dokie, brokie.
Stän signs the pad and gives it back to Russ. Russ closes
it without first looking at the signature.
STÄN (CONT’D)
What cans I do for you today now?
SETH
My car’s broke.
STÄN
Problems with your transmission?
SETH
No. Mormons. I need a new used car--one
that isn’t crappy.
STÄN
Right. No crappy car for you for today.
He takes him by the hand and leads him to a BLUE COMPACT.
STÄN (CONT’D)
How about this little baby? It comes in
the blue. Get in!
Seth and Russ get in. Stän bends over, peering through the
open driver side window.
STÄN (CONT’D)
Try it on, with you and your boyfriend.
SETH
Oh, no, we’re not toget--
STÄN
(interrupting)
Nooooo, you don’t have to explain it to
me. I’m not the Mr. Reverend Jerry Falwell.
Russ removes the car’s CIGARETTE LIGHTER.
RUSS
(to Seth)
Look, hon
ey! A cigarette lighter!
He touches the tip with the palm of his hand.
RUSS (CONT’D)
OW!!!
He shakes his singed hand. Seth turns his attention back to
the dealer.
SETH
I don’t know. I better take it for a
test drive first.
STÄN
What? You don’t trust the Real American
Stän? I am insulted and a little bit
amused about this. Tell you what I’m
gonna do: I’m gonna take $500 off the
ticket price, eh?
SETH
I don’t know--
STÄN
(interrupting)
What? You want my pants, too?
He UNZIPS his fly. Having probably practiced, he’s super
quick in taking them off. He throws them through the open
window. Confused, Seth catches them.
STÄN (CONT’D)
There! You just stole my pants, you
thieving perv. Now I have to call the
police on you.
He removes his CELL PHONE and begins dialing.
STÄN (CONT’D)
You better start running now.
SETH
No! I need a car! Help me, Stän!
He terminates the call.
STÄN
Okay. Let’s talk now in my office-
RUSS
OW!!!
Russ is shaking his hand again. He again singed himself
with the lighter.
SETH
Do you want me to bring your pants?
STÄN
Yes. In my office, now.
Stän walks toward his office. Seth and Russ get out and
follow.
SETH
I don’t know why, but I trust him.
Russ checks his pad for the first time.
RUSS
He signed his name “Steve.”
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. CLASSROOM - DAY
Seth, Russ and Anna are sitting in the same class.
PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR (V.O.)
(over intercom)
Good morning, class. It is my...(beat)...
pleasure, I guess, to announce the
following students have been accepted to
USC: Anna Blackov--Anna Blackövone--Anna
Black!
The class APPLAUDS softly. Anna nods.
PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR (CONT’D, V.O.)
(over intercom)
Seth--thank God--Anderson.
The class APPLAUDS softly. Seth turns to Anna.
SETH
I feel a “boo-ya” coming on.
They congratulate each other by softly striking their forearms together.
SETH (CONT’D)
Boo-ya!
PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR (V.O.)
(over intercom)
And, finally, Russell Moore.
The class APPLAUDS softly.
RUSS
Wa-hoo! Yay me!
Russ quickly draws a GLOCK and fires two quick celebratory
rounds into the “air.” Everyone in the class ducks under
their desk. Russ is confused.
RUSS (CONT’D)
What? (beat) I have second amendment
rights--read the Constitution! If God
didn’t want us to protect ourselves, what
about cactuses?
DREAM SEQUENCE
EXT. DESERT - DAY
Russ is sticking SODA CANS onto the needles of a medium
size CACTUS which is partially off-screen.
RUSS (CONT’D)
(to himself)
He-he! Stupid cactus!
SFX - GUNSHOT
Russ is blown away, landing off-screen with a tremendous
THUD. We quickly PAN OVER and see the cactus is “holding” a
large REVOLVER.
END DREAM SEQUENCE - BACK TO SCENE
RUSS (CONT’D)
Right. School violence. Fair enough.
He puts the firearm away.
EXT. PLAYGROUND. BASKETBALL COURT. SOUTH CENTRAL - DAY
Derek, dressed in a REFEREE’S UNIFORM, is standing before
nine lined up AFRICAN AMERICAN PLAYERS, ages 8-10.
DEREK
Well, sorry, kids. There’s only nine of
you. We need one more player to even the
teams out or someone has to sit out.
SETH (O.S.)
Did somebody say you need another player?
CUT TO:
Seth. Dressed to play in new basketball jersey and shorts,
with a BASKETBALL in hand, his car’s headlights are shining
bright behind him, making him look all self-important.
CUT TO:
Derek and the children are looking at the stranger.
BOY #1
Look! It’s Larry Bird!
The children are in awe. Derek squints.
DEREK
No. But you’re close.
CUT TO:
Seth.
SETH
I’ve always wanted to learn how to play
basketball, and I brought my own ball. We
can use it as a spare.
CUT TO:
Boy #1.
BOY #1
Let’s do this muther.
CUT TO:
Seth and the kids playing. Seth is dribbling the ball, preparing to go for the basket. Boy #1 is blocking him.
SETH
This court’s my home! No one steals the
pill in my home!
BOY #1
You don’t even live in this neighborhood,
man!
SETH
My family came here on the Mayflower.
CUT TO:
BOY #2 has the ball, dribbling it. Seth is looming over
him, blocking him.
SETH (CONT’D)
You think you’re tough? You think you’re
tough?
BOY #2
Yeah!
SETH
That’s not what your momma said
yesterday--when I saw her naked.
The boy stops dribbling the ball. Holding it, he suddenly
breaks into tears.
BOY #2
My mom’s dead!
SETH
I said what I said.
He snatches the ball out of the boy’s hands; runs and slam
dunks it.
ONE SHOT - SETH
He’s standing in a crouching position by the out of bounds
line, hands prepped to receive the ball.
SETH (CONT’D)
I’m open! Here, here!
Someone tosses him the ball. It misses him by about three
feet to the left and is out of bounds.
SFX - WHISTLE
DEREK (O.S.)
Out of bounds!
SETH
Oh? So I could have moved? I thought that
it was like baseball.
CUT TO:
Seth’s holding the ball, dragging the five members of the
opposing team latched onto his legs and back.
SFX - WHISTLE
DEREK (O.S.)
Traveling!
CUT TO:
BOY #3 has possession of the ball, going for the basket.
Seth strikes him in the chest with a PILLOWCASE half-filled with metal spheres. The boy lands on his ass and loses
possession of the ball.
SFX - WHISTLE
&n
bsp; DEREK (CONT’D, O.S.)
Pillowcase full of doorknobs!
SETH
(to Derek)
I told you, I don’t know the rules!
CUT TO:
The two teams are prepared for the tip-off. Derek is about to toss the ball in the air.
SFX - POLICE SIRENS
Red and blue strobe light illuminates the court. Guns drawn, a dozen white LAPD OFFICERS circle the court.
LAPD OFFICER #1
Freeze, LAPD!
Seth bolts, running through an opening in the wall of blue.
SETH
You’re on your own, kids!
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
Seth, sweating hard, runs in. He double checks behind him.
No one followed him.
SETH (CONT’D)
(to himself, short-winded)
That was close.
He walks to the drink fridge and is confronted with a wall
of over two dozen different brands of BOTTLED WATER. He
regards the wall for a moment. Then opens the door.
SETH (CONT’D)
(to himself)
I think I want...
He takes a BOTTLE OF ARROWHEAD.
SETH (CONT’D)
(to himself)
...Arrowhead--no!
He puts the bottle back. He picks up a BOTTLE OF SPARTLETS.
SETH (CONT’D)