(to himself)
Too evasive.
Then, a gun shop.
SETH (CONT’D)
(to himself)
Too obvious.
INT. SHIN’S FLUTE AND OTHER MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS - DAY
MR. SHIN, a young Asian American fellow, is reclining at
his DESK. Seth ENTERS.
SETH (CONT’D)
Mr. Flute. I want to learn how to play an
instrument--any instrument--in less than
eight months. No cheating on your part--
French Horn or better.
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. MATH DEPARTMENT - DAY
The rock music is replaced for this scene with artsy-fartsy
ACADEMIC MUSIC. Seth and a MATH PROFESSOR are standing at a
university-style CHALKBOARD in a university-style theater.
It’s a recreation of a scene out of “Good Will Hunting,”
with the two men crossing stuff out on the board in a game
of one-upmanship, though we can’t clearly see what they’re
doing. After a half-minute of this, they stop, join hands
and pat each other on the back--like in “Good Will
Hunting.” They release.
SETH (CONT’D)
Playing tic-tac-toe is fun, but can you
teach me some math-stuff now?
We ZOOM IN and see that the entire board is dedicated with
games of tic-tac-toe. The professor nods.
INT. SHIN’S FLUTES AND OTHER MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS - DAY
Seth is expertly and exuberately playing a BANJO.
SETH (CONT’D)
Hey, look at me! I’m George Segal!
Shin turns off a BOOMBOX playing pre-recorded banjo music.
Seth’s just pretending to strum the strings.
INT. SETH’S HOUSE. SETH’S ROOM - DAY
Seth has dumped the dance lesson mat into his TRASHBIN.
He’s now stripped to his BOXERS, imitating Jason Biggs in
“American Pie,” which is playing on his television.
Dancing’s dancing. Russ ENTERS the room, sees what's happening, and he's gone. This is too weird.
INT. SHIN’S FLUTES AND OTHER MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS - DAY
Shin hands him a FLUTE.
SHIN
Here, you try this.
Seth holds the flute vertically.
SETH
“This one time, at band camp”-
Shin snatches the instrument out of his hand.
SHIN
You’ve never been to band camp!
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. LIBRARY - DAY
Seth is sitting at a table, filling out an SAT REGISTRATION
FORM. He’s reading the questions aloud before answering
them.
SETH
(to himself)
“Name”? Seth Anderson. “Sex”? Yes, please.
Hehe. No one has ever did anything this
clever on one of these forms.
We quickly PAN OVER to Derek, who’s also filing out a
REGISTRATION FORM in the same style as Seth.
DEREK
(to himself)
“Name”? Derek Peters. “Sex”? Often. No one
has done--
We quickly PAN OVER to Lance.
LANCE
(interrupting, to himself)
Lance Francie Bruce. “Sex”? Anal.
INT. POST OFFICE - DAY
Seth, Anna and Russ are standing by a VOTER REGISTRATION
DISPLAY. Seth is finishing up filling out a REGISTRATION
CARD. Done, he drops it in a MAILBOX.
ANNA
What did you register as? Democrat,
Republican?
SETH
What did you register as?
ANNA
Green Party.
SETH
“Green”--ha. That’s not a real party.
ANNA
Et tu?
SETH
I checked “Other” and wrote in “Superdude.”
I’m now a registered “Superdude”!
RUSS
Me too!
The two guys laugh at the coincidence. Russ is the first to
gain composure.
RUSS (CONT’D)
Someday we should have a convention.
ANNA
I miss communism.
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. LIBRARY - MORNING
SFX - PENCILS SCRATCHING
STUDENTS, including Seth, are taking the SAT test. Seth
FARTS. Everyone else stops for a moment, then continues.
Seth FARTS louder. Everyone again stops, then continues. As
soon as they continue, Seth does it again--he FARTS überloud
in a statacco fashion--like an intestinal tommy gun.
The CHAIR beneath him VIBRATES. People stop, their
concentration obviously broken. When he finally stops, his
peers’ pause is much longer, anticipating another shoe to drop. When nothing else comes, they all continue. Someone
CLEARS THEIR THROAT.
SETH
(loudly)
Shut-up!
INT. SHIN’S FLUTES AND OTHER MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS - DAY
Seth is sitting before a PIANO, wearing SUNGLASSES and
waving his head ála Stevie Wonder. He’s playing the same
composure Bill Murray performed in “Groundhog Day,”
emulating him. Seth stops momentarily.
SETH (CONT’D)
Thanks for teaching me how to play the
piano, Flutey. And how to do a somewhat
convincing Bill Murray impersonation.
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. JANITOR’S CLOSET - MORNING
CLOSE SHOT - SETH
All we see is Seth and the door behind him. He’s holding a
LIST.
SETH (CONT'D)
I know I’ve never came here before, or have
ever shown any interest in the course of my
academic career. But there are a lot of
classes I’ve always wanted to take. And if
you just take my word that I can do it, I
promise I’ll try not to disappoint you.
(beat) So what do you say?
CLOSE SHOT - A CHUNKY MAN IN COVERALLS BEHIND A DESK
He’s, obviously, the school’s JANITOR.
JANITOR
I’d like to help you, kid, but this is
the janitor’s closet. You want the
counselor. His office is down the hall,
to your left.
BACK TO SCENE
Seth nods. That makes sense. He turns. As he’s exiting, he
begins shoving INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED URINAL CAKES from a
bulk CRATE into his pockets, as if the janitor isn’t
watching.
JANITOR (CONT’D)
Please don’t steal them urinal cakes.
Looking guilty, he places them back.
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. HALLWAY - PASSING PERIOD
STUDENTS EXIT their classes, entering the hall. Seth EXITS
the counselor’s office. Anna’s there, waiting for him.
SETH
Well, I did it. I registered for all the
classes I’ve always wanted to take.
ANNA
Including anatomy?
SETH
Just look at this.
He saunters up behind a fine, thin girl named SHEILA, who’s
at her locker. She’s wearing a haltertop.
SETH (CONT’D)
(sm
armily)
Hey, Sheila.
He taps her bare back at the shoulder blade.
SETH (CONT’D)
(smarmily)
I can see your scapula.
She turns and WHACKS him across his head with her heavy
PURSE. Seth slumps down; Anna’s there to catch him before
he hits the floor. Sheila walks away in an indignant huff.
SETH (CONT’D)
(shocked)
I just said--
ANNA
(interrupting)
She knows what you just said. She’s
going into pre-med next fall, remember?
SETH
Oh yeah. Wanna come with me and Russ to
the mall? We’re gonna go find me a job.
ANNA
Sure. Why do you want to do?
SETH
I’ve always wanted to test silicone
breast implants.
DREAM SEQUENCE
EXT. A GRASSY FIELD - DAY
Seth is holding a SHOTGUN, wearing a set of SKEET SHOOTER’S
GOGGLES and EARMUFFS.
SETH (CONT’D)
Okay. Pull!
SFX - PLATE LAUNCHER
He raises the gun, fires.
CLOSE-UP - GROUND
An unpenetrated SILICONE BREAST IMPLANT crashes to the grass; there’s a 12-GAUGE SHELL embedded in it.
SETH (CONT’D, O.S.)
Okay. That one’s good. Use it.
CUT TO:
SFX - GUNSHOT
Another SILICONE BREAST IMPLANT hits the ground. This one
has burst.
SETH (CONT’D, O.S.)
Don’t use it.
END DREAM SEQUENCE - BACK TO SCENE
ANNA
That’s not how it’s done!
INT. SETH’S CAR - DAY
Seth has neither hand on the wheel. Anna is sitting in the
backseat, panicked, as Seth is changing into a SHIRT and
TIE.
ANNA (CONT’D)
Seth, ten and two!
He checks his WATCH as he straightens his tie.
SETH
(condescending)
No. It’s 2:10. Here in America, we say it
the other way, with the hour first--
He turns to Russ, who’s sitting beside him.
SETH (CONT’D)
How’s my tie?
RUSS
Sharp. I don’t even know why you need a
job. There are other ways to make money--
have you tried a pyramid scheme.
SETH
Yes, but I only know two people.
ANNA
I’m not entirely sure why you want us
all to come with you.
SETH
Moral support. You know without you, I
have no morality.
FLASHBACK
EXT. A GRASSY FIELD - DAY
A SIGN clearly says “PLEASE STAY OFF THE GRASS.” Seth’s standing on the sidewalk, looking at the sign. He looks
left and right to see if anyone’s watching. Then he runs
into the field, running in large circles like a racehorse.
END FLASHBACK
INT. BEVERLY CENTER - EVENING
NOTE: INTERCUT SEQUENCE
What follows next is a series of job interviews, all from
the managers’ pov.
POV - MANAGER
SETH
I don’t think of it as being fired; fired
people normally had benefits.
CUT TO:
SETH (CONT’D)
My life was just going into a different
direction, and my job didn’t follow.
CUT TO:
SETH (CONT’D)
My weaknesses? I’m a little lazy; I don’t
work well with strangers; I’m bad with
money; sometimes I don’t speak English so
good...
CUT TO:
SETH (CONT’D)
Y’know how when you normally hire someone
new and you notice that things seem to be
disappearing?
He points to himself with apparent pride.
CUT TO:
SETH (CONT’D)
Then there’s the gas. Will I be working
around open flames?
CUT TO:
SETH (CONT’D)
I am not unemployed. If we were all in the
NBA, I’d be known as a free agent. Would I
be receiving benefits here? (beat) No?
That’s okay. Really.
(falsely upbeat)
I just want to be on the team. Yeah. Go
team.
CUT TO:
SETH (CONT’D)
Actually, my religion forbids résumés.
(beat) Scientology--L. Ron Hubbard rules!
CUT TO:
SETH (CONT’D)
Did you bring your resume?
The hand hands him a DOCUMENT.
SETH (CONT’D)
Oh. Don’t you sometimes feel overqualified?
Right now, huh?
CUT TO:
SETH (CONT’D)
“Urine test”? Will that necessarily be my
urine?
CUT TO:
SETH (CONT’D)
Is that your blue VW Beetle I saw in the
parking lot? (beat) It’ll be a shame if
someone is to break a window and pee in it.
END INTERCUT SEQUENCE
INT. TOY STORE - EVENING
He’s at the counter, talking with the MANAGER.
SETH (CONT’D)
Look, I’m great with children.
He picks up a large red DODGEBALL.
SETH (CONT’D)
Hey kid! Catch!
He tosses the ball across the store at a five-year-old BOY
who has his back turned and obviously doesn’t know who
Seth’s yelling to. The ball strikes him in the back. Not
knowing if there’s more coming, he defensively covers his
head with his arms.
SETH (CONT’D)
I--...(beat)...I expected him to catch
it. (beat) Y’know what? I don’t care if
I get this job.
He points to a large “FLOOR PIANO” being openly displayed.
SETH (CONT’D)
But I’m not leaving until I’ve played
that floor piano!
He jumps atop it and begins playing “CHOPSTICKS” like Tom
Hanks in “Big.” PEOPLE stop shopping and begin to gather
around to watch. Anna jumps atop and joins him. They regard
each other for a moment. They begin playing “HEART AND
SOUL.” Together, they’re in perfect harmony...then Russ
jumps on. He clumsily lands in between the two, disrupting
their song. They back off the piano. Russ jumps on the keys
sporadically.
RUSS
(excitedly, singing poorly)
“We built this city on rock and roll!/
We built this city on rock and rolllll!”
INT. MALL PARKING STRUCTURE - NIGHT
CLOSE SHOT - ANNA
Anna gets into the passenger side of Seth’s car. There’s a
prominent, rhythmic THUMPING inside.
ANNA
Russ, maybe you should drive.
CLOSE SHOT - RUSS
He’s in the backseat.
RUSS
Why?
CLOSE SHOT - ANNA
ANNA
Because Seth keeps on hitting his head
on the steering wheel.
CLOSE SHOT - SETH
Depressed, he is. That’s the THUMPING sound.
INT. SETH’S CAR - NIGHT
Russ is driving along. Seth is lying in the backseat, now
hitting his head rhythmically against the window.
POV - SETH
Going slowly, he sees the giant neon sign of Club Hershey.
BACK TO SCENE
SETH
A gay club! That’s it! Russ, pull over!
He pulls over the car.
RUSS
Righty-o.
INT. CLUB HERSHEY - MORNING
Seth is standing behind the bar, so he can only be seen from the waist up. He’s holding a SERVING TRAY topped with
DRINKS. Lance places another drink on the tray. Russ and
Anna are sitting at the bar.
LANCE
Remember: If you drop a drink, the boss
will dock-diggily-ock you!
He playfully jabs Seth in the chest with his index finger,
nearly causing him to spill a drink. Lance then turns his
attention to a man hanging curtains, UMBERTO.
LANCE (CONT’D)
No, Umberto, I thought we ordered royal
purple curtains. Those are obviously soft
violet!
Hand waving effeminately, he rushes over to correct him.
RUSS
So it's come to this?