happiness 116, 160, 175–6, 189, 190, 220, 241, 267
high horses 168
Hollinghurst, Alan: The Line of Beauty 108
honesty 73, 75, 89, 102, 145, 188, 199
emotional 43
vs politeness 259
in psychotherapy 54–5
and secrecy 199, 200
and sexual liberation 150
see also frankness
Hooch, Pieter de 194
Interior with Women beside a Linen Cupboard 193
human nature
a diplomat’s pessimism concerning 97
fallen 16–18
and impostor syndrome 216–19
original goodness vs. natural sin 89–90
human needs 241, 244–6, 245, 250
Hume, David: ‘Of Luxury’ 239, 240
humiliation 15, 115, 221
fear of 216
and poverty 251–2
vicarious 220
humour 3, 291–2
gallows 260
idealism 259–60
idiocy 79, 100, 113, 213–16, 292
imbalances, emotional 36–9
imperfection 16–18
im-perfectionism in art and culture 271–6
impostor syndrome 216–19
Industrial Revolution/industrialization 266, 267, 271
inequality 251, 254
inner voice/ judge 63–5
intelligence 2–3
interesting, gift of being 101–2
intrinsic value 267–8
intuition 1–2
vs analysis 257–8
and Romanticism 257
irony 260
irritability 25, 43, 125, 172
James, Henry 84–5
James, William 115
Japanese aesthetics 274–6
Johnson, Samuel (Dr) 238
judge, inner 63–5
Kafka, Franz 277
Kant, Immanuel 124
Kiefer, Anselm 277–9
Alkahest 277–9, 278
Kinderdijk Windmill, Alblasserdam 272
kindness 79–99
charitable interpretation 79–80
and Christianity 98–9
in dealing with enemies 87–8
and diplomacy 94–8
and frankness 98
pain, and the demands of 85–6
and politeness 88–94
and psychotherapy 56
and Romanticism 99
and tragic failures 81–3
and weakness of strength 83–5
kintsugi 276
bowl 275
Købke, Christen 285
View of Østerbro from Dosseringen 284
Lawrence, Mary Wells 248
Leonardo da Vinci 282, 286
The Madonna Litta 196
libraries 4
listening 101
active listening in psychotherapy 57–8
the good listener 109–12
Liszt, Franz 4
literature 3, 4, 84–5, 192
loneliness 15, 61, 107, 118, 122, 189
and culture 282–5, 289
and love affairs 165
and Romanticism 130, 282
losers 81–3
love
ability to love children 143–4
affairs see affairs, love
choosing a partner 133–5
circle of 65
crushes 189
disappointment in 194–8
and education 144–8
falling in 49, 61, 129, 134
Greek idea of 145
inability to 69
intimate origins of 195–8
and marriage 204–8
parental 195, 197–8
relationships see relationships
in response to attack 87–8
Romantic cult of human-to-human love see Romanticism
and secrecy 198–200
self-love 50–51
as a skill 3, 171
unrequited 190–92
see also compassion
luxury 107, 239
lying 41–3
Mandeville, Bernard: The Fable of the Bees 238–9, 240
manners 90, 114
see also politeness
Marcus Aurelius 8
marriage 16, 204–8
and impulse 205–6
and Romanticism 2
and security 207–8
Marshmallow Test 205–6
Marx, Karl 225
Marxism 251
Maslow, Abraham, Pyramid of Needs 244–6, 245
materialism 238
see also consumerism
Matisse, Henri 282
Woman Reading at a Small Table 283
Medici family 12
meditation 67
philosophical 67–71
melancholy 19–20
Montaigne, Michel de 218–19, 246
Essays 8, 218
Morgan, Christiana, Thematic Apperception Test 28–31, 30
motives 41, 85–6, 200
Murray, Henry, Thematic Apperception Test 28–31, 30
museums 4, 5, 6, 271
music 4
nagging 147–8
nature 121–5
neglect 73, 134, 137, 156, 186, 266
feelings of 91, 220, 248
Romanticism’s neglect of domestic life 192–4
negotiations 94–8
Netherlands Board of Tourism 271, 274
Netscher, Caspar: The Lacemaker 252–4, 253
normality
arguments of 180–82
and culture 71–3
Ogilvy, David 248
oral sex 151
original sin 16–18, 17
pain
being out of touch with 161
and the demands of kindness 85–6
panic 25, 36–7, 63, 106, 118, 177, 288
alternatives to 47
parental love 195, 197–8
parenting 248–9, 288–9
partner-as-child theory 141–4
past, the emotional 27–49
amnesia concerning 39–40
and denial 39–40
emotionally healthy childhood 44–9
primal wounds 33–6, 38, 67
and self-deception 41–3
unknown past affecting the present 27–31
Patek Philippe 248–9
perfectionism 288, 294
pessimism 115–16
a diplomat’s pessimism concerning human nature 97
and politeness 89–90
and relationships 115, 188–90
vs sentimentality 277
philanthropists 232–5, 261
philosophical meditation 67–71
philosophy/philosophers 4, 8, 11–12, 26
philosophy of consolation 18 see also solace
pineapples 262–6, 263, 264, 265, 269
Plato 4, 121
politeness 88–94
cold 105
exaggerated, of the good child 211
the frank and the polite person 88–94
vs honesty 259
and the stranger 90
and wisdom 292
poverty 240, 251–2, 254, 277
prices 271
cheapness 262–71
pride, excessive 162
primal wounds 33–6, 38–9, 67
Proust, Marcel: In Search of Lost Time 8, 152–4
psychotherapy 53–67
active listening 57–8
change through 65–7
and importance of a breakdown 73–5
and the inner voice/judge 63–5
interpretation 58–61
and kindness 56
therapeutic relationship 61–3
and time 58
purity 261
Pyrrho 26
Racine, Jean 4
rage 15, 20, 25–6, 115, 116, 143, 172, 178, 250
realism 98
vs idealism 259–60
&nb
sp; and wisdom 290–91, 292–3
reassurance 66–7, 69, 102, 139–41, 162, 176, 184, 186
and diplomacy 96, 98
regret 69, 80, 86, 101, 106, 219, 277, 294
relationships
arguments in see arguments
breakdown of 15, 21, 73
choosing a partner 133–5
and Classical attitudes 132–3
and compromise 200–202
disappointment in 194–8
and domestic life 192–4
falling in love 49, 61, 129, 134
father–son 248–9
and fear of rejection 104, 139–40
of friendship see friendship
getting together 129–48
good enough 288–9
and hellishness of self and others 137–9
and listening 109–12
longing for reassurance 66–7, 139–41, 176, 184, 186
love affairs see affairs, love
and marriage see marriage
over-optimism about 160–61
parent–child 248–9, 288
partner-as-child theory 141–4
and pessimism 115, 188–90
and politeness see politeness
reacting to a partner’s tricky behaviour 135–6
restorative complaint prompts 165–8
and Romanticism 129–32, 189
and secrecy 198–200
sex in see sex
shyness barrier to 100–102
religion 3–4, 100, 282
Christian see Christianity
and Romanticism 282
scripture and culture 4–7
Rembrandt 4
resentment 69, 71, 122, 163, 165, 221
resilience 31, 47, 81, 248, 275, 293
restlessness 70, 226–7
Rijksmuseum 4, 6, 271
Rikyū, Sen no 276
Rilke, Rainer Maria: ‘Archaic Torso of Apollo’ 70
ritual 14–15
robustness 91–2
Romanticism 2
and arguments 169
Classical vs Romantic culture 132–3, 257–62
and crushes 189
and the exotic 261
German 70
and intuition 257
and kindness 99
and loneliness 130, 282
and marriage 2
neglect of domestic life 192–4
and the rare 261
and relationships 129–32, 189
as replacement of religion 282
and sex 130, 131
Rorschach, Hermann, inkblot test 28, 29
Rosenzweig, Saul, Picture-Frustration Study 31, 32
Rousseau, Jean-Jacques 88, 239–40
routine 261
Ruisdael, Jacob van 271–4
The Windmill at Wijk bij Duurstede 273
Sainsbury Centre for the Visual Arts 232, 233, 234
Sainsbury family 232
St Paul’s Cathedral 265, 266
sanity 18
and sane insanity 18–19
scepticism, emotional 26–7
Schopenhauer, Arthur 4
scripture 4–7
secrecy 198–200
good children as keepers of 211
secularism/secularization 3–7, 15
security 207–8
self-acceptance 292
self-certainty see confidence/self-certainty
self-criticism 113–14
self-deception 41–3
self-development 8–9, 10
self-doubt 93–4, 101, 161
self-esteem 50–51, 63, 103, 115, 117, 245
see also confidence/self-certainty
self-help 7–8
self-image 46, 69
self-knowledge 25–75
difficulty of 25–6
and the emotional past see past, the emotional
and psychotherapy see psychotherapy
self-awareness of an interesting person 101
and self-deception 41–3
and self-ignorance 25–6
and window daydreaming 120–21
self-love 50–51, 170
Seneca 8
sentimentality 169, 277
sex
anal 151–2
erotic disengagement 158
and Freud 150–51
in love affairs 163–4 see also affairs, love
meaning of sexual excitement 150–54
no-sex argument 186–8
oral 151
problems of a grown-up ‘good child’ around 212
and Romanticism 130, 131
sexual degradation/defilement 152–4
sexual desirability 99
sexual drives 27, 73
sexual liberation 149–50
sexual understanding 3
and tension 115
Shakespeare, William 83, 101
The Merchant of Venice 100
shame 19, 73, 161
shaming 157
shirking 148
shyness 100–102
simplicity 20–21
sin 89–90
original 16–18, 17
Smith, Adam 227
and Marx 225
The Wealth of Nations 224, 241
social catastrophe 112–14
Socrates 26
solace 7, 18, 102, 123, 269
and culture 277–88
solitude 119–20
Sophocles 4, 82, 83
sorrow 19–20, 80, 188, 203, 244
and art 277–9, 278, 281
intergenerational 67
reliving 60
sources of 143, 195, 198, 211
and therapies 69
specialization 223–8
spontaneity 258–9
status 81, 108, 123, 216, 244, 252, 277
pursuit of 21
strangers 50, 65, 72, 79, 80, 90
and dreams of fame 220–21
to ourselves 25–6
transformed into friends 103
strength 84, 285
weakness of 83–5
sublimity/the sublime 123–4
success 36, 63, 65, 81, 116, 138, 221
in business 99, 179, 232, 246
and fame 221, 223
and impostor syndrome 216, 219
and self-esteem 115
and wisdom 294
suffering
through self-ignorance 25–6
for ‘small things’ 21
suicide 15, 55, 81
supermarkets 228–30, 229, 231, 232, 235
teasing 107–9
Terence 101
therapeutic relationship 61–3
time
the emotional past see past, the emotional
and psychotherapy 58
sense of 27
Tobias and the Angel 286
Verrocchio, Workshop of, painting 287
Tolstoy, Leo 246
tragedy 16, 35–6, 81–3
transitional objects 282–5
trust 3, 52, 62, 89, 99, 152, 153, 180
broken 42
and impostor syndrome 217
inability to 69, 72
Turgenev, Ivan 84–5
Verrocchio, Andrea del, and Tobias and the Angel 286, 287
Voltaire 246
vulnerability 3, 21, 34, 56, 69, 91–2, 102–3
and fame 221–2
wabi-sabi 276
Wagner, Richard 4
warmth 105–7
warm teasing 108
wealth 100, 232, 235
and communism 251
generation 238, 241
pursuit of 21
and virtue 240, 241 see also philanthropists
Whitman, Walt: ‘Song of Myself’ 223–4
will, weakness of (akrasia) 11–12
window daydreaming 120–21
Winnicott, Donald 282–5, 288
wisdom 290–95
and appreciation 291
and calm 295
of compromise 200–202
; and envy 293–4
and folly 65, 291
and forgiveness 292–3
and friendship 64–5
and humour 291–2
of melancholy attitude 20
and politeness 292
and realism 290–91, 292–3
and regrets 294
and resilience 293
and self-acceptance 292
success, failure and 294
witnessing 54–5
work
and the capitalist society see capitalism
‘division of labour’ 224
and fame 219–23
good-enough jobs 289
psychological effects of 225–6
specialization 223–8
and under-confidence 213–19
worldliness 55
Wren, Christopher, south tower of St Paul’s Cathedral 265, 266
Xu Zhen 228–32, 229, 231, 236
Zen
aesthetics 274–6, 275
philosophers 42, 274–6
The School of Life is a global organization committed to emotional education and well-being. It focuses on delivering psychotherapy, as well as drawing upon culture more generally, to illuminate topics of emotional concern. It treats individuals, couples, families and organizations, publishes books, makes films and runs ten centres around the world. For more information, see: www.theschooloflife.com.
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First published 2019
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