Success and Failure
The wise emerge as realistic about the consequences of winning and succeeding. They may want to win as much as the next person, but they are aware of how many fundamentals will remain unchanged, whatever the outcome. They don’t exaggerate the transformations available to us. They know how much we remain tethered to some basic dynamics in our personalities, whatever job we have or material possession we acquire. This is both cautionary (for those who succeed) and hopeful (for those who won’t). The wise see the continuities between the two categories overemphasized by modern consumer capitalism: success and failure.
Regrets
In our ambitious age, it is common to begin with dreams of being able to pull off an unblemished life, where one can hope to get the major decisions, in love and work, right. But the wise realize that it is impossible to fashion a spotless life. We will make some extremely large and utterly uncorrectable errors in a number of areas. Perfectionism is a wicked illusion. Regret is unavoidable.
But regret lessens the more we see that error is endemic across the species. We can’t look at anyone’s life story without seeing some devastating mistakes etched across it. These errors are not coincidental but structural. They arise because we all lack the information we need to make choices in time-sensitive situations. We are all, where it counts, steering almost blind.
Calm
The wise know that turmoil is always around the corner – and they have come to fear and sense its approach. That’s why they nurture such a strong commitment to calm. A quiet evening feels like an achievement. A day without anxiety is something to be celebrated. They are not afraid of having a somewhat boring time. There could, and will again, be so much worse.
And, finally, of course, the wise know that it will never be possible to be wise every hour, let alone every day, of their lives.
Acknowledgements
For their contributions to this book, we would like to thank the following:
Raul Aparici
John Armstrong
Will Brimmer
Caroline Dawnay
Charlotte Fox Weber
Kathryn Garden
Emma Gordon
Srijana Gurung
Lesley Levene
Marcia Mihotich
Susannah Moore
Charlotte Neser
Joanna Prior
Simon Prosser
Tamzin Simpson
Sarah Stein-Lubrano
Hermione Thompson
Imogen Truphet
Permissions
1. Photograph of the Reading Room at the British Museum © The Trustees of the British Museum.
2. Photograph of the Rijksmuseum. Photo credit: Pedro Pegenaute, Pegenaute Studio SL, 2012.
3. Sandro Botticelli, Madonna of the Book, c. 1480. Photo credit: Getty Images.
4. Lucas Cranach the Elder, Adam and Eve. Photo credit: The Courtauld Gallery.
5. Inkblot by Hermann Rorschach, Psychodiagnostik, 1932. First published in English as Psychodiagnostics: A Diagnostic Test Based on Perception,1942.
6. Henry A. Murray, Thematic Apperception Test, Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press, copyright © 1943 by the President and Fellows of Harvard College, copyright renewed 1971 by Henry A. Murray.
7. Saul Rosenzweig, Picture-Frustration Test, (1948) from the Saul Rosenzweig Papers, Archives of the History of American Psychology, The Drs Nicholas and Dorothy Cummings Center for the History of Psychology, The University of Akron.
8. Ludolf Bakhuysen, Warships in a Heavy Storm, c. 1695. Photo credit: Rijksmuseum, Amsterdam.
9. Pieter de Hooch, Interior with Women beside a Linen Cupboard, 1663. Photo credit: Rijksmuseum, Amsterdam.
10. Leonardo da Vinci, The Madonna Litta, mid-1490s. Photo credit: Getty Images.
11. Pieter Bruegel, Dutch Proverbs, 1559 © bpk / Gemäldegalerie, SMB / Volker-H. Schneider.
12. Xu Zhen, Supermarket, 2007/2015. Photo credit: Thomas Fuesser. Courtesy the artist and ShanghART Gallery. Exhibition view: ‘Xu Zhen Solo Exhibition’, Long Museum, Shanghai, 2015.
13. Xu Zhen, Supermarket, 2007/2014. Photo credit: Eric Gregory Powell. Courtesy the artist, ShanghART Gallery, Ullens Center for Contemporary Art. Exhibition view: ‘Xu Zhen – A MadeIn Company Production’, Ullens Center for Contemporary Art, Beijing, 2014.
14. Photograph of the Sainsbury Centre, photo credit: David Burton / Alamy Stock Photo.
15. Photograph of the Sainsbury Centre, photo credit: Sid Frisby / Alamy Stock Photo.
16. Matthew Darly, The Extravaganza, or The Mountain Head Dress, 1776 © The Trustees of the British Museum.
17. Patrick Begbie, James Craig’s Plan of the New Town, Edinburgh, 1768, National Galleries of Scotland. Photocredit: © National Galleries of Scotland.
18. Caspar Netscher, The Lacemaker, 1662. Photo credit: Bridgeman Images.
19. Hendrick Danckerts, Charles II Presented with a Pineapple, c. 1675–80, Royal Collection Trust. © Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II 2019.
20. The Dunmore Pineapple. Photo credit: Undiscovered Scotland.
21. Photograph of the South Tower of St Paul’s Cathedral © The Chapter of St Paul’s Cathedral.
22. Paul Cézanne, The Basket of Apples, c. 1893. Photo credit: Getty Images.
23. Kinderdijk Windmill, Alblasserdam. Photo credit: Prisma by Dukas/UIG via Getty Images.
24. Jacob van Ruisdael, The Windmill at Wijk bij Duurstede, c. 1668–70. Reproduced by kind permission of the Rijksmuseum, Amsterdam.
25. Kintsugi bowl © Lia_t/Shutterstock.com.
26. Anselm Kiefer, Alkahest, 2011. Photo credit: Charles Duprat, Galerie Thaddaeus Ropac, Paris/Salzburg.
27. Jean-Baptiste-Camille Corot, The Leaning Tree Trunk, c. 1860–65 © The National Gallery, London. Salting Bequest, 1910.
28. Henri Matisse, Woman Reading at a Small Table, c. 1923. © Succession H. Matisse / DACS 2019. Archives Henri Matisse, all rights reserved.
29. Christen Købke, View of Østerbro from Dosseringen, 1838. Photo credit: INTERFOTO / Alamy Stock Photo.
30. Workshop of Andrea del Verrocchio, Tobias and the Angel, c. 1470–75 © The National Gallery, London.
Index
The page references in this index correspond to the print edition from which this ebook was created, and clicking on them will take you to the the location in the ebook where the equivalent print page would begin. To find a specific word or phrase from the index, please use the search feature of your ebook reader.
Page references in italic indicate illustrations.
acceptance 8, 75, 118, 125–6, 140, 153, 164, 281
of failure and idiocy 214–16
advertising 246–51, 247
Aeschylus 82
aesthetics see art and aesthetics
affairs, love 154–68
beginning of 155–9
and high horses 168
indications for straying into 156–63
reducing risk of 164–8
sex in 163–4
akrasia (weakness of will) 11–12
aloneness 119–20
see also loneliness
ambition 70, 72, 117, 119, 212, 235–6, 288, 292
and panic 25
ambivalence 148, 248, 261
anal play/sex 151–2
anger 25–6, 37, 172, 187, 260
and depression 69
and diplomacy 94–5
see also rage
anxiety 15, 19, 21, 122, 250
affairs and excessive anxiety 161–2
and attraction to calm 125
and controlling behaviour 140–41
and philosophical meditation 68–9
reinterpreting 117–18
social 73–4, 103–5
worry over being liked 103–5
see also panic
appreciation 166–7, 291
of intrinsic merits of things 267–8
arguments 157–8, 169–88
absentee 179–80
d
efensive 173–5
from excessive logic 184–6
interminable 171–3
no-sex argument 186–8
of normality 180–82
parental-resemblance 182–4
pathologizing 177–9
and Romanticism 169
spoiling 175–6
Aristotle 8
Rhetoric 109
art and aesthetics 4, 235
artistic sympathy 252–4
and capitalism 230–32, 235–6
and Christianity 12
and emotional education 12–14
and friendship 285–6
and im-perfectionism 271–6
Japanese aesthetics 274–6
revealing inner experiences of the intimidating elite 218
sorrow, solace and 277–88
and supermarkets 228–30, 229, 231, 232, 235
with therapeutic purpose 47
and transitional objects 282–5
Zen aesthetics 274–6, 275
Ashikaga Yoshimitsu 276 [NB: Japanese name order – Ashikaga is the family name]
attention-seeking 21, 37, 38, 45, 136
Augustine of Hippo 16
avoidance, emotional 36, 37
avoidant patterns 140
Bakhuysen, Ludolf: Warships in a Heavy Storm 47, 48
Baudelaire, Charles 4
Begbie, Patrick: James Craig’s Plan of the New Town, Edinburgh 242
Bernbach, William 248
bitterness 19, 25, 108, 115, 122, 198, 212, 248
Botticelli, Sandro 4, 14
Madonna of the Book 13, 14
brain 27
breakdowns
mental/emotional 73–5
of relationships 15, 21, 73
British Museum, Reading Room 4, 5
Bruegel, Pieter: Dutch Proverbs 214, 215
Buddhism 16
Zen see Zen
busy-ness, unending 156
calm 115–26
and acceptance 125–6
and daydreaming 120–21
keeping calm around children 143
and nature 121–5
and pathologizing argument 178–9
and pessimism 115–16
and solitude 119–20
and wisdom 295
Calvin Klein 249
candour 51, 167
see also frankness
capitalism 99, 240, 241–3
and advertising 246–51, 247
and art 230–32, 235–6
capitalist consumerism 241–4, 246, 249–51
and ‘division of labour’ 224
and happiness 241
Catherine the Great 262, 269
celebrities 221–3
Cézanne, Paul 268–9
The Basket of Apples 270
charitable interpretation 79–80
Charles II 262, 263, 269
charm 3, 56, 100–114
failure that charms 102–3
and listening 109–12
and shyness 100–102
and teasing 107–9
and vulnerability 102–3
and warmth 105–7, 108
cheapness 262–71
childhood
and adult avoidant patterns 140
appreciation of intrinsic merits of things 267–8
and beliefs about people having no fears 107
dangers of the good child 211–12
emotionally healthy 44–9
and the good enough parent 288
and impostor syndrome 216–19
the inner child 143–4
Marshmallow Test for children 205–6
notions of permissibility instilled during 72–3
and parental love 195, 197–8
and primal wounds 33–6, 38–9, 67
remembered/relived in psychotherapy 59–61
and restlessness 226–7
Christianity
and art 12
and kindness 98–9
and materialism 238
and original sin 16–18
Cicero 8
On the Orator 109
Classical attitudes 132–3, 257–62
Columbus, Christopher 262
communication
argument as failure in 170–71 see also arguments
diplomatic 94–8
and emotional health 51
and emotional intelligence 3
the good listener 109–12
hopelessness about dialogue 162
patterns 37
restorative complaint prompts 165–8
speaking to ourselves 64
compassion 12, 64–5, 67, 178
self-compassion 63
see also kindness
compromise 200–202, 261
concert halls 4
confidence/self-certainty
and emotional intelligence 3
and the inner idiot 213–16
vs self-doubt 93–4
under-confidence 213–19
Connolly, Cyril 108
consolation, philosophy of 18
see also solace
consumerism 236–43
capitalist 241–4, 246, 249–51
controlling behaviour 140–41
Corot, Jean-Baptiste-Camille: The Leaning Tree Trunk 279–81, 280
Cranach, Lucas, the Elder: Adam and Eve 17
crushes 189
culture
art see art and aesthetics
associating the rare, the expensive and the good 266–7
Classical vs Romantic 132–3, 257–62
and im-perfectionism 271–6
and laws of nature 125
and loneliness 282–5, 289
and melancholy 20
and normality 71–3
and prices see prices
scripture, religion and 4–7
and solace 277–88
Cuypers, Pierre 4
cynicism 42, 59, 66, 79, 107, 230
Danckerts, Hendrick: Charles II Presented with a Pineapple 263
Darly, Matthew: The Extravaganza, or The Mountain Head Dress 237
daydreaming 120–21
defensiveness 140, 147
defensive arguments 173–5
see also avoidance, emotional; denial
defilement 152–4
denial 39–40
depression 15, 26, 55, 69
diplomacy 94–8
domestic life 192–4
Dunmore, John Murray, 4th Earl of 262
Dunmore Pineapple 264
earnestness 260
Edinburgh, New Town 241, 242
education 1
emotional see emotional education
and listening 109
and love 144–8
vs spontaneity 258–9
system 11, 15, 251
Eliot, George: Middlemarch 117
emotional education
and art 12–14
and ritual 14–15
and the School of Life 22
emotional intelligence 2–4
and sane insanity 18–19
see also wisdom
emotional life
avoidance in see avoidance, emotional
emotionally healthy childhood 44–9
imbalances in 36–9
and importance of a breakdown 73–5
and the inner voice/judge 63–5
journey to emotional maturity 10, 27–31
love affairs see affairs, love
markers of emotional health 50–52
and the past see past, the emotional
post-Romantic 132–3
and psychotherapy see psychotherapy
in relationships see relationships
and Romanticism see Romanticism
and self-deception 41–3
and sex see sex
simple truths of 21
and suffering for ‘small things’ 21
tragic structure of 35–6
&nb
sp; emotional scepticism 26–7
enemies 87–8
envy 9, 19, 25, 51, 69, 293–4
Epicurus 8
Erasmus, Desiderius: In Praise of Folly 213–14
Euripides 82
exoticism 261
expectations 115–16
explanations, simple and obscure 20–21
failure 64–5, 81–3, 101–2
acceptance of idiocy and 214–16
and friendship 64–5
social catastrophe 112–14
that charms 102–3
and wisdom 64–5, 294
fame 219–23
fear 18, 71, 96, 107, 190, 213, 222
and arguments 170, 173, 174, 175–6, 183
background 15, 19, 68, 86, 167, 183
confronting 207
and fame 222
of heights 184
of humiliation 216
and philosophical meditation 71
of public speaking 185–6
of rejection 139–40
and therapies 55, 66, 67
Ficino, Marsilio 12
First World problems 15–16
flirting 157
Florence 12
folly 51, 65, 291
forgiveness 292–3
Foster, Norman, Sainsbury Centre for the Visual Arts 232, 233, 234
frankness 89, 90
of a diplomat 98
the frank and the polite person 88–94
and robustness 91–2
and the stranger 90
see also candour; honesty
Freud, Sigmund 150–51, 246
friendship 64–5, 244
and art 285–6
consolations of 202–4
fame as attempted shortcut to 222
with ourselves 64
strangers transformed into friends 103
and taking risk of self-revelation 102–3
and warmth 105–7
and worry over being liked 103–5
fripperies 237, 238–9
frustration 98, 116, 122, 173, 207
Rosenzweig’s Picture-Frustration Study 31, 32
Gellius, Aulus: ‘Androcles and the Lion’ 85–6
gestures, grand and small 92–3
Goethe, Johann Wolfgang von 4, 246
goodness
dangers of the good child 211–12
original goodness vs. natural sin 89–90
gratitude 289–90