pushed to come but she’s too
young to know better too
innocent too
unaware
she was so goddamn unaware
look
what I did to her
look
what
I
did.
I should say something but
what? Everything’s so
jumbled so
scattered all I know is I hurt her but I
can’t take back
what I said
it’s all I got to
hold
onto
I can’t let go or I’ll head right
off
the
cliff.
Without my tears I feel
hollow there’s an
echo in my
soul. I wonder if there’s
anything
else in me
good or
bad is anything left inside me at
all?
Doll
she’s been holding me
so
long.
I pick my head up strings of
snot stretch from my nose they
snap they fall
back on her shoulder.
I been crying on my Led Zeppelin shirt it’s my
favorite. I face her and I have to say
something
anything but I just can’t I’m too
tired.
Then she looks at me and just like that it’s
okay.
I don’t have to tell her anything she
knows.
She knows
it’s all there in her face
she gets everything I’d say if only I had the
strength
she gets it all she
knows.
She strokes my hair feels so
good like
relief after my
release
then she says she needs to go.
She says she needs to
clean up
go home
her parents expect her for dinner. It’s almost dinnertime we came here at 9 a.m. and look at us now
me with my bashed in
face
her with her bashed in
innocence what a
difference a day makes.
Part of me wants to rush her
out send her safely on her way but the other part the
selfish part
it wants to
keep her by me ‘cause I’m so
scared.
I’m scared to be
alone here
I’m scared to shut my
eyes tonight.
I’m scared if she leaves I’ll never
see her
again
and I’m scared that’s the way it
needs
to be.
I say, Let’s get you in the shower.
Dorothy
I want Joey to leave, too. “What if he comes back?” I ask.
He shakes his head slowly, painfully. “Pop ain’t coming home soon,” he says. “No way he’s cooking for himself, and if he’s eating out no doubt he’s drinking out too. He’ll be out late.”
“But eventually ….” I can’t bear the thought of Joey alone here, a target waiting.
It’s like he reads my mind. “Jimmy’ll be home, probably.”
“Even if he is, what’s Jimmy going to do against your dad’s gun…”
“He’s done with me for today, Doll,” he says. “I’ll be okay.”
Okay is one thing he’s not. “Come home with me. We’ll tell my parents. They’ll call the police, and he’ll be arrested. All they have to do is look at your face ….”
“Forget it. He’ll say I attacked him or something, and he did it in self-defense. He’s a cop and I’m a criminal. Cops believe their own,” he says.
“I’ll tell them what he did to me, they’ll have to do something.”
“I’ll be arrested. Statutory rape, remember?”
“My parents aren’t going to press charges.”
“Even if they don’t, they ain’t gonna let us see each other no more, that’s for sure.”
I say nothing. He’s got me there.
He folds me in his arms again and I suck in his scent. It soothes me a little, but not enough. I say, “I’m afraid he’s going to kill you.”
He says, “He ain’t gonna kill me.”
He says, “He ain’t gonna kill me tonight.”
Joey
So she cleans up she showers off my blood and both our snot and tears she’s good
to
go.
‘Cept for a few wrinkles in her blouse she looks the
same as when she came in
look at that
she passes
too.
She fixes me up too she insists even though I tell her not to waste her time. She pats at my face with a washcloth trying not to
hurt me
and me
I try not to show it
hurts. She dabs on this antibiotic ointment she found in the medicine cabinet. Then she gets a London broil from the freezer she says to hold it to my lips.
I walk her
home
icy steak pressed to my mouth with one hand
her hand in the other.
I don’t wanna take a chance on her parents seeing me like this so I
stop at the end of her street
I let go of her
hand.
She starts crying
again I wipe her tears
away I tell her
don’t
cry
‘cause her parents will see and they’ll ask
questions and she nods and she sniffs and she
stops.
I move my meat from my mouth
kiss her
it don’t hurt so much my lips they’re cold they’re
numb
then I say she
better
go.
She nods again and she
does it.
She heads off
down her block with her
head
down
and I watch with my prime cut of beef
against my face
I wonder if her
head’ll ever
pick
up
again
I watch her turn
right
into her driveway.
Good.
She’s
safe inside them
gates that’s where she
belongs on the other side of them
bars thank god they’re nice and
thick she’s
safe.
Goodnight Doll.
Dorothy
Halfway up my driveway I decide to tell them.
I decide to tell my parents everything.
They’ve been better, they’ve been coming around. And they’re shrinks, they have to have compassion for Joey with everything he’s been through, right?
They’ll let us see each other, they’ve got to. Maybe not at first, but they’ll realize we belong together. They’ll realize what a great guy Joey is, especially if he gets away from his dad.
That’s the important thing, he has to get away from his dad.
No matter what else happens. Even if they do keep us apart.
He needs to get away from his dad, and the rest will work itself out.
Somehow it’ll all work out.
I step inside my door and click the lock behind me. When I turn around, they’re there.
Right there, side by side, arms crossed, glaring.
Practically breathing down my neck.
“Oh, you scared me,” I say. “What’s going on?”
“Where were you today?” my dad says in a quite pissed voice.
Shit! They know I ditched school. “Uh ….
” I struggle to come up with something.
“We’ve been calling your phone,” Mom snaps. Damn. I had it on silent and never put the ringer back on.
“Umm ….” I’m thinking and thinking and then I realize it really doesn’t matter ‘cause I’m going to tell them anyway. This is just more proof that I need to. So I start. “Well, it’s like this—”
Mom cuts me off. “That’s the last time you’ll go anywhere near that Joey Riley, I’ll tell you that much.” Whoa. This isn’t good, for her to have this reaction before she even hears what happened. “Why?”
“I have a good mind to have him arrested.”
“For what?”
“Kidnapping.”
“Are you crazy? He didn’t kidnap me ….”
“Unlawful imprisonment.”
“Do you think I was chained up somewhere?” Funny, I was locked up, but not by Joey.
I guess it’s not funny.
I’d tell them if they’d let me. “Listen ….”
“Statutory rape.”
There it is again. It stops me; it’s the one truth we can’t escape. Why’d he have to turn eighteen? It’s like playing tag with no safe zone.
“You’re having sex, aren’t you?”
I face the golden-brown Spanish tile paving our hall because I can’t face them. I nod.
“Oh my god, my baby,” Mom shrieks. She’s practically hyperventilating. Wow, this is getting way dramatic and I haven’t even gotten my story out yet. Aren’t shrinks supposed to be reasonable?
My dad says, “Your mother dropped off your book bag at school—she saw you forgot it in your room.”
I didn’t forget it, I just didn’t need it. Stupid, stupid. I should’ve taken it with me anyway. I’m not savvy at the art of cutting.
He says, “But surprise, you weren’t there. And even bigger surprise, they said I’d called to say you were sick. So I gather your boyfriend impersonated me on the phone?”
He did. “I have to tell you something important …,” I say, but now Dad cuts me off. Now, he’s got a lot to say.
He takes a breath in, goes on. “Your mother canceled her sessions for today so she could search for you. Who knew—you might have been abducted.”
He sucks air in, blows out. “She looked up your boyfriend’s address and went over, but no one answered.” I heard nothing, no doorbell—but then, I’d been a little preoccupied. “And then she called Amy’s mother, who was absolutely appalled when she heard you were dating Joey Riley. She told her all about him ….” Shit. Amy’s mom is PTA president, and just like her daughter she knows everything about everyone. “About his drinking and drug use, his violence, his arrests, his jail time ….”
Shit, shit, shit. He takes another breath, but before he can start in again, Mom bursts in. “I knew there was something wrong with him when I saw those hands.” She looks me direct in the eyes. “Does he hit you?”
“Oh god no, he’s so gentle ….” My voice trails off in frustration. This was just what I’d wanted to tell them in the beginning, discuss with them—how Joey could be two different people. They’d been too busy shrinking me out.
She shakes her finger at me. “Give him time, Dorothy. Boys like that, they’ll erupt all over anyone in their path.”
Nice of the therapist to typecast him. I want to defend him, I want them to know all that Joey’s gone through, but all that comes out of my throat is, “No.” That’s all I can say, that’s all I can manage after what’s happened today. I want to curl up in a ball. I want to roll up in myself and hide, take refuge.
I can’t believe they’re judging Joey like this.
But why can’t I? It’s not like they fawned all over him before.
I was so dumb, to think they’d want to help him.
No one wants to help him. Not even him.
Mom and Dad are both lashing out at me now, about Joey. Talking over each other about how horrible he is. They don’t even care why, why he acts like he does. If they gave it a thought they’d be bound to come up with some kind of educated guess—it’s their jobs.
Aren’t shrinks supposed to care why?
“Bottom line, young lady—you are forbidden to see him again,” says Dad.
I want to tell them to go fuck themselves, but I just don’t have it in me. I brush past them, head for the stairs, head for my room.
Joey
I stare up from my bed at the ceiling. I wanna sleep but I
can’t
shut
my eyes.
I just stare stare stare hoping to
drop
off.
I drank the beer I had. Four or five bottles who remembers whatever it was it wasn’t
enough.
But I sure don’t have what it takes to
haul out of this bed go out and get more.
No way.
I lie in the dark
sore
as
shit
my steak’s on the floor
thawing
probably halfway done by now at
least
I couldn’t hold it on me
no
more.
I stare at the bare
ceiling I ripped down the poster when I got back home.
Even in the dark I could
see
her
up there and right now
I can’t take nothing ‘cept
clear
blank
nothing.
That’s all I wanna look at.
Nothing.
He came home ‘bout eleven put on that goddamn Sinatra. He’s down there knocking back whiskey
blasting
“My Way.”
Jimmy he ain’t home at least I don’t think so I didn’t hear him. Good for him
if he’s got somewhere to
crash. I couldn’t do that with
Doll I couldn’t take that
chance that her parents would walk in ….
Doll.
There she is
again.
I been thinkin ‘bout her
all
night
trying to think of a way
trying to think of
some
other
way
but there’s none.
I gotta cut her loose I
can’t take the chance he’ll lay his dirtbag hands on her
again I gotta protect her she’s gotta
go.
I gotta break up with her and it’s gotta be mean and firm I gotta make her
hate
my
guts.
I stare up up up at
nothing
picture life without her
Sinatra goes on and on ‘bout how he did it
his way
I can’t
shut
my eyes.
Dorothy
I lie in bed, pillow pressed to my chest, eyes closed tight.
Is he all right?
All the other stuff, it sucks, but it doesn’t matter. We’ll find a way, as long as he’s
all right.
I can’t remember the last time I prayed, but I do it now. “Please, God,” I whisper into the dark. I squeeze my eyelids shut. I can’t face the night, there’s been too much night in this day already. “Please, watch over him.”
Joey comes into my head; I see him sprawled in his bed. Battered, alone.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
“Please take care of him, God. Love him for me, until he lets me.”
Ten
Joey
Ten days.
I ain’t seen her in
ten
days.
ll this waiting it’s
torture
to me
to her
Doll she’s waiting to
touch me
hold me
me I’m waiting to do what I
gotta
do.
She sends me notes from school she gives them to Jimmy she writes
one a day
I got three on Monday night.
She can’t call
her parents they took her
cell
and they got her friends’ parents to check phones and even double
check their cell bills online for
deleted
calls to me.
She puts in these
quotes from
poets
inventors
people that changed the world and
shit she copies them into her
notes
trying to pep me
up she’s like a cheerleader for the
soul.
Rah rah
you can do it you can
fix
your
life.
Right.
Like you can
hammer
in some nails
tighten
up those loose
beams
like you can
patch
the rotting floorboards in your
head.
What’s next
one of those
Jesus
was a carpenter
speeches?
My life
it’s way too far
gone
for repairs the whole
foundation it’s unstable it’s
decaying
I can’t take the chance of letting her
walk around in it anymore you never know what’s gonna
collapse next the whole
ceiling might come down on her
I might
bury her
in my rubble.
My life
it’s been condemned.
She writes ‘bout AA she says maybe I could just go and
listen
maybe it could
help me.
She lists meeting days and times at the church give me a
goddamn
break
like those washouts could
possibly have
anything
to say they talk in
bumper
stickers.
She asks me to write back
at the end of every note she
asks.
I wanna
so
bad
but I don’t.
It’ll only make it harder if I do.
For me
for her.
She don’t write
love
at the end.
She don’t write it but
it’s there
all the same.
What does she
think I am
stupid?
It’s not her fault she don’t know any better what