jump
to the beat of my
heart steady steady
steady
not too fast or I’ll
fall
I squeeze
my eyes jump
jump he’s hurting Joey he’s
hurting Joey he’s hurting
Joey
I jump I jump I
jump.
Joey
He hits me again and I see stars it’s not just an expression that shit
really
happens.
I’m holding onto her blouse like a
lifeline wish I could put it to my
face breathe in her
scent but I know I’m
covered
in
red I don’t wanna stain it.
He
slams
me a few more times I lose track of how many I’m slurping down
blood I wanna
pass
out I wanna
sleep I wanna be
gone so bad but I hold on for
her
I gotta be awake I gotta get her out somehow. If I give in I don’t
know when I’ll be back so I
hold
on.
I guess he gets tired or bored he
stops he says there better be no next time or
else
he leaves it at that and believe me that’s
enough
as I drink my blood cocktail makes me think of ‘ole Holden Caulfield where’s my
straw.
My face feels like a
slab
of beef ready to serve up with
potatoes
I guess I know what a cow goes through getting pulverized do they
at least
kill
it
first?
He’s walking
away he says he’s gotta get back to
work he says he came by to get his
sunglasses.
I can barely move my jaw or my
puffed
up
lips but I do it
I call out to him I say,
Pop
can I have the key?
He stands there I can’t be sure ‘cause my eyes are all
swollen but I think he’s smiling.
Bastard.
I say,
Pop
please let me get her out.
I say it again I say,
Please.
The key it
lands on my lap it makes just the smallest thud it’s like that Horton Hears a Who! book Mom
used to read me but I hear it ‘cause there’s no other noise in here ‘cept for me breathing.
He’s
gone but I call out to him again I call him back.
What, he says.
I say,
Pop.
I cough I swallow more blood Jesus Christ does it ever
stop coming I
clutch the closet key in my
hand the jagged ridges press in my palm I say,
Pop
if you
touch
her
again
I’ll kill you.
He laughs that motherfucking prick laughs like I said something funny.
He keeps on
laughing
all down the hall.
Dorothy
Jump jump jump jump jump jump jump
jump
jump.
Eight
Joey
He broke her.
She’s sobbing she’s
leaning into me
sobbing she’s shaking
shaking she’s
quivering
in
my
arms.
When I opened the door there she was
huddled up on the floor
tucked inside my shirt like a turtle goes in its
shell when it’s scared she was
rocking kind of
swaying she wasn’t
crying she was
chanting something to herself I think ‘cause her mouth
moved but she wasn’t saying nothing and she wouldn’t
open her
eyes.
I bent down by her I said, Doll it’s
me.
I touched her shoulder god that felt
so
good
touching her again but she didn’t
move she didn’t
flinch she didn’t
stop her chanting.
I said, He’s
gone.
But she wouldn’t
look at me she wouldn’t even
nod I wasn’t sure if she
knew I was there her lips they kept
going with no sound coming out and all I could think was
he broke her.
I picked her
up from the floor I
carried her into the
hall. She was like
dead
weight
in my arms but her body heat
pulsing into my chest it felt
oh so alive.
I told her
it’s
okay
now
and that’s when the tears came.
She won’t open
her
eyes she’s
crying she’s crying she’s
shivering christ what can I
do?
I’m so sorry, I say so
useless I’m
useless I can’t
help her now and I couldn’t
stop
him from hurting her from
breaking
her she’s
trembling
I can’t stand it
he
broke
her.
I wanna fix her I wanna make her feel
good put her
back
together oh god
he
broke
her.
Her tears run down my shoulder my neck my
back they tingle they make me
forget my throbbing face for a second. My blood
globs in her hair I’m
ruining her
even
more now I bend my head to kiss her cheek the
salt from her tears stings it
burns.
My blood her tears they
mix
together looks like a runny cheap salsa she’s shaking
shaking she won’t open her eyes what have I
done
to
her?
I do the thing I
can do the
one thing I
know
how to do the
only thing
I’m good at.
I touch her
touch
her touch
her she makes this
one
little startled cry and
then she
stops.
She stops crying.
Thank god she stops
crying her body
loosens she stops
trembling
she lets out a sigh and she
drifts
to
sleep.
She’s resting
now she’s
dozing in my
arms I’ve got her back
in my arms I
nuzzle
her
hair I breathe breathe
breathe
her
in and then I
let
go finally I can let
go I can
rest I
follow
her
lead I
sleep.
Dorothy
I wake up sticky so sticky coated I feel painted w
ith something I open my eyes I see I’m covered in his
blood.
God his face his beautiful
face it’s like he’s been hit by a train
he’s
wrecked.
He’s asleep I fight off the tears I don’t want to wake him.
My head’s throbbing it’s so hard to think
clearly I feel
fractured
I’ve got to pull myself together I’ve got to be
strong for him for
us.
Joey
She’s awake she’s watching me when I
come back
when I wake up. She’s got this
pity on her face and I think, god what I must
look
like and I hate it
so much
that she has to worry ‘bout me on top of everything else.
She shouldn’t have to feel bad for
me
this ain’t her fault.
She kisses my
hideous
swelled
lips I wince I can’t help myself
it’s like a bolt of pain’s been shot through me and her eyes they get all wide she apologizes and I say, Don’t.
Slowly it’s so hard to talk through my redesigned jaw I say, Don’t be sorry
ever
you are the one
right
thing in my life and I don’t care how
much
it
hurts
I want you to kiss me.
But of course she
don’t
kiss me again ‘cause she just
can’t
bring herself to now that
she
knows it hurts me she’s the
only
person I ever met who cares like that.
So much there’s
so
much
swarming through my
head
now
way too much to say or even
understand
but she strokes my hair and I feel all her
caring and somehow
she does understand
I know she does
and she
whispers, Joey
why didn’t you
tell
me?
And out of all my reasons my
twenty
thousand reasons why I couldn’t tell her the most
selfish
one pops up in my
pulsing
thrashed
mind
I think, Because you’ll leave.
And I don’t wanna say it ‘cause I’m so scared it’s true and I’m scared of my thoughts and I’m scared of this
whole
bullshit
world
what chance do we got but a voice inside pipes up it says I gotta
tell her
and I know it’s right I been
keeping it all inside
way
too
long.
I’m
afraid you’re gonna leave me, I tell her.
I tell her, I’m
afraid it’s the
right
thing for you to do.
She
touches me
again she runs her fingers through my hair she says all
soft, I won’t leave you Joey.
And I
believe
her I know she means it and something
bursts
inside
me and that’s when I
lose it I
cry I cry I
cry.
I can’t remember the last time I
cried I
sob into her shoulder and my face it’s on fire from
touching
her and from the
tears but it feels so
good
even though it feels so bad
‘cause it’s coming
coming
coming
it’s been such a
long
time
coming.
She
holds
me while I cry no one’s
ever
done that
for me
she holds me while I
cry.
Dorothy
He’s crying.
Thank god, he’s crying.
Joey
The tears finally slow and I feel really
good for someone who just got my
face
smashed
in. I feel cleared. Like I
the
way
for me to tell her
everything.
So I spill it all out. Slow and clogged
sniffling and snuffling
throbbing
there’s thumping in my head like an elephant’s stomping my brain
through
all
this
I tell her ‘bout how me and my brothers we watch our mom get her ass kicked just about every day that for us it’s part of the routine like brushing our teeth. I tell her ‘bout how
Pop
always said not to cry not to say nothing or we’d be
next. I tell her ‘bout the
closet how I been locked in there
all
these
years in my mind I tell her ‘bout
Mom’s
dolls the whole truth how
Pop
hated
them and god I should never have brought her here what the hell was I thinking?
I tell her, You really need to go home and never never see me again.
And I mean it I
do.
Look at her covered in my blood and tears and snot look what
he
did
to her
to me
and the most damage it’s what you
can’t
see.
It’s gonna be worse next time I can’t protect her from him I’m a big punk pussy all the boxing lessons in the world ain’t gonna change that they ain’t gonna give me the courage to stand up to him
next
time
he’s gonna shatter her he’s gonna smash us
both
to
bits.
She looks me in the eyes.
She looks she
looks she
looks
me
in
the
eyes.
I never seen more truth in my life than what’s in her eyes
right
now
it sears into me it melts through my
shame she looks at me and
she
says, Joey we’ll find our way
through
this.
She
says,
Joey I love you.
Part Three
The Great Oz
“The four travelers walked up to the great gate of Emerald City and rang the bell. After ringing several times, it was opened by the same Guardian of the Gates they had met before.
‘What! Are you back again?’ he asked, in surprise.
‘Do you not see us?’ answered the Scarecrow.
‘But I thought you had gone to visit the Wicked Witch of the West.’
‘We did visit her,’ said the Scarecrow.
‘And she let you go again?’ asked the man, in wonder.
‘She could not help it, for she is melted,’ explained the Scarecrow.”
—From The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum
Nine
Dorothy
I tell him, “I love you, Joey, and it doesn’t have to be this way.”
He stares at me. His energy shifts. I feel it moving, shuffling. A coolness surrounds him,
hardens over his skin like a shell. He says, “And how do you know how it has to be?”
The words sting like he slapped me with them. Instinctively I turn away, face the bars on his banister across from us.
“Love.” He doesn’t say it, he spits it. “What’s love? Shoving someone headfirst into a wall? Smashing a fist in their eye? Vowing to cherish someone forever and then cocking a goddamn gun down their throat?”
He touches my shoulder, I flinch. “Look at me,” he says, and I don’t want to but I do, ‘cause god help me I love him and I brought this on. I look at him and I’m trying not to cry but it’s no use. He says, ”See my face? This is love, Doll. This is what love does.” His eyes … oh god, his eyes they’re cold, they’re almost like his dad’s right now. He says, “Love, hate, love, hate …. Can’t you see how they blend?”
We stare at each other now, me crying, him causing it. If I could, maybe I’d leave, but I can’t go home like this. Then his eyes change. Just as quick as they chilled they melt, they’re the warm eyes I know, and they’re sad, so sad. He says slowly, “Just don’t say you love me, okay?” His voice sticks on these last words, like he’s holding back something. Maybe more tears, maybe something else entirely. He says softly, “There’s no such thing as love, Doll.” His voice is a murmur. “Love’s just hate wrapped with a bow, dressed up all pretty in pink ‘cause we can’t take seeing the naked truth.”
And I’m still crying, but not for me. For him. For the life he’s had that’s made him say this, believe this. Part of me wants to argue, part of me wants even to yell, but I can’t expect him to go against what he’s been taught his whole life.
I can’t walk away, either.
I take him in my arms, hold him tight. He wants the love he doesn’t believe in, so badly he wants it, his body’s begging for it right now. This is where we are, this is where we’re stopping for today, so be it.
“Okay,” I tell him, I whisper in his ear. Then I kiss him there, on his lobe, it’s the one spot untouched by his dad. “Okay, I won’t say that.”
He lets out a long, crazed moan and then he cries again.
He weeps into my shoulder.
Joey
I finally stop
finally
I get myself
together she’s still
here.
She’s still
here she’s got me in her
arms even though I’m such an
asshole.
I can’t believe she’s
still
here
with all that’s happened
with the way I talked to her
with the mess I am
she’s still here.
But she can’t exactly
go home looking like
this.
Maybe she should tell her parents she should
spill it all out
at least then she’ll be safe from
Pop
from me.
Me I’ll go back to being dead it’s what I do
best.
She deserves so much better than
this they oughta arrest me
all right not for statutory rape but for statutory
hell I brought her to
hell tossed her right in the
fire I delivered her to my
demon like a
sacrifice.
Yeah she consented to come she