door farther. The guy grunted and pushed his way in.
“Make yourselves at home,” I grumbled.
I was just about to make a run for it when another voice
said, “Hi.”
I turned toward the door. The guy from the aquarium stared
at me like he wanted to kill me as well. Perfect. I was going to
witness my own murder in my house. Awesome. Thanks, Mrs.
Murray. Not what I had in mind, but thanks. At least it will be
quick by the looks of the other guy I just let in.
“Sam.” I cleared my throat and stepped aside, letting him in.
“Thanks, Demetri.” Was he mocking me? Because it
sounded like he was. I clenched my fist.
“No, problem, man. Grab a soda or snack or whatever. I left
stuff out. I mean, you don’t have to eat, but if you’re hungry…” I
bit my lip and cursed. “Never mind. Just…” I waved into the air.
Maybe the big dude would kill me early. One could only hope.
Laughter erupted from the living room the minute Sam
stepped in. How was I supposed to facilitate a group about grief
when every single member hated me or wanted to stab me with the
closest pointy object?
I crossed my arms and leaned against the wall.
“Hey,” a familiar voice said from the door.
I opened my eyes. “Lyss. I mean, Alyssa. You came.” I hated
that I was flashing the most ridiculous grin known to mankind.
She shrugged. “Parents made me.”
Of course. It had nothing to do with me. I mustered up the
last ounce of confidence I had and nodded my head. “Well, I’m
glad they did.”
Her eyes narrowed.
“Anyway, I’m just waiting for one more. Go ahead and
make yourself at home.”
Alyssa walked by me so fast I nearly got windburn. Great.
Would I get no admirers? If this was some sort of trick in order to
humble me, Mrs. Murray had another thing coming.
I was already pathetically humble.
Too humble, if you asked me. Loss had a way of doing that
to you. It stripped every ounce of confidence you ever had, not
only in yourself, but in the people around you.
I waited for five more minutes. Mrs. Murray called earlier
that day to say we had another member. Apparently, he was a last
minute addition. That was all the information she gave me. And
now he was late.
The laughter grew louder from the living room. I was being
a chicken. I wanted to stroll out my front door and walk headfirst
into the ocean.
Playing at the Grammy’s had been easier than this.
I gave myself a pep talk and walked into the living room.
Directly into silence.
I cleared my throat and sat on the recliner, the only available
seat, and nodded toward the coffee table. “As you can see, we have
some name tags here, so everyone can get to know your name.”
Everyone grumbled in unison as I threw out markers for
them to grab and use to write their names.
I was winning nobody over, that much was clear.
Well, hopefully I wouldn’t get in trouble. I was about to
break a lot of rules. I wrote my name down and began talking.
“So, I’m your group facilitator…” Several eyes darted away
from me. Eyes that held pain, doubt, insecurity, fear. God, how I
knew what it was like.
Here went nothing. “I used drugs and alcohol to numb my
loss and nearly killed myself, not to mention several others, in the
process. I’m an ass. I’m a man-whore user, who, up until last year,
slept with anything that looked at me. I used hard earned money to
buy drugs and thought nothing of getting others hooked right
along with me. Until I met someone… and everything changed. I
would like to say it’s because of me that I changed. But clearly, I’m
an idiot and an ass, and it took way more than just my own
diminishing conscience to get clean. But in all of my bad choices I
learned something valuable.” I cleared my throat; you could hear a
pin drop in the room. Sweat pooled in my hands. “I learned that
sometimes it’s okay to let others help you. Sometimes it’s not going
to be you who takes that first step. It’s going to be the person who
isn’t too scared to push you. The person who doesn’t care that they
may lose you as a friend. I know that by myself I can never be
strong enough to break free from the cycle I put myself in. And I’m
okay with leaning on others. By the way, I’m Demetri, your group
leader.”
The big dude, who earlier looked like he wanted to kill me,
got up from his seat. Crap, this was where he was going to walk
out.
I watched him tentatively as he made his way over to my
chair and stuck out his hand. “I’m Aaron, and it’s great to meet
you, Demetri.”
I felt my eyes widen just slightly. I grasped his hand and
shook it firmly. “Nice to meet you, Aaron.”
“Holly.” The girl who had arrived with the bigger guy
smiled warmly and held out her hand.
“You know who I am.” Sam waved from across the coffee
table. His eyes flickered downward and then back up at me before
giving a nod. The type of nod guys give other guys when you
finally decide they’re cool enough to possibly hang out. At least he
didn’t want to run me over with his car anymore.
All heads turned toward Alyssa. I knew it was a small town.
No doubt everyone in this room was aware that I had been
pursuing the girl like some lovesick high schooler who’d never
kissed a girl before.
I waited for her to say something. She wrote her name down
on the piece of paper and smiled at everyone but me. In fact, her
eyes quickly darted past me as she greeted the group. “I’m Alyssa.”
“I know you from school,” Holly said. “I mean, you were in
a class below me, but it’s good to see you.”
Alyssa blushed and nodded.
Aaron pulled Holly tighter against him and kissed her
forehead.
“Now that that’s out of the way…” I leaned forward. “I
think it would be good for all of us to state why we’re in grief
group. I’m not going to spout any crap about the circle of trust or
anything, but you’re all aware you’ve had to sign gag orders, so
everything that’s said inside this house, stays here. Are we clear?”
I was a little shocked that I had taken control so completely.
My voice seemed strong, confident, and crazy as it sounds, once I
made that little statement, I felt that way. I felt like I was doing
exactly what I should be doing.
Heads nodded in my direction.
“Good.” I leaned back. “Who’s going to go first?”
“I will,” a voice said from behind me. All eyes flickered up
to meet the intruder. I turned around and greeted the guy. He must
have been about nineteen, maybe twenty by the looks of him.
“Sorry.” He shrugged and offered a smile. “I knocked and
then some huge dude answered the door and told me you guys
were already starting.”
“That would be Bob.” I nodded and offered a smil
e. “I’m
Demetri.”
The guy laughed warmly. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure it would be
impossible not to know that. How you doin’, man?”
“Can’t complain.” I motioned to the couch. “Why don’t you
have a seat?”
I turned back toward the group and noticed that every single
person was looking at the newcomer as if he was some sort of
ghost. Even Aaron’s eyes were bulging.
Holly began to cry softly into his chest, and Alyssa’s jaw was
clenched so tightly I thought her teeth were going to fall out.
What the hell?
Small towns blew, that much was true. I was clearly missing
out on something important, but we only had another half hour of
group left, and I had tons of stuff I needed to get through.
“I’m sorry I didn’t catch your name?” I asked the guy.
He held out his hand. “Connor. Connor Austin.”
Why did that name, of all names, sound familiar? I could
have sworn the football stadium was called Austin Stadium. Must
be from a rich family or something.
“Cool.” I leaned back in my chair. “You still up for pouring
your guts out?”
“Yup.” He leaned forward. “I know I’m the last person you
guys want to see.”
“Why’s that?” I asked. I couldn’t help it.
Connor got really silent. None of the group members were
moving. It was as if the entire mood of the day had shifted.
Everything I had done didn’t matter. Not with Connor sitting there.
“Since it looks like I’m the outsider…” I cursed and ran my
fingers through my hair in irritation. “Will somebody please tell me
what the hell is going on?”
Connor’s face snapped to Alyssa’s; she was still looking
down. “I killed someone.”
Not what I expected. I tried to play it cool. “Care to expand
on that, Connor?”
“It was an accident.”
Well, that was a relief.
“I was driving to an away game. The rain was coming down
in sheets. I couldn’t see a thing. A deer ran out in front of me, and I
swerved. I didn’t see the truck. I didn’t know he was on the side of
the road —” A sob escaped Connor’s throat. “He pulled out into
traffic the minute I swerved away from the deer, so I was in his
blind spot. By the time I pulled back in, I side-swiped him. The
truck ran into the telephone pole.”
Alyssa bolted from her seat and ran out the door. I got up to
go after her, but quickly sat back down. This was my group. I
couldn’t just leave them.
Connor cursed and clenched his fist. “I killed Brady Stevens
that night. Star quarterback of our football team, my best friend in
the whole world.”
“Did he die instantly?” I asked. Call it morbid curiosity, but I
wasn’t sure how far this grief went. Did the guy go into a coma?
Was he paralyzed for a while?
“No.” Connor sucked in a breath. “His girlfriend was with
him. Nobody knows how, but his body shielded her from the
impact. When she woke up, she started doing compressions. He
died at the hospital.”
So the girlfriend was still living.
My mind flashed to the sweatshirt Alyssa wore all the time.
“What was his football number?”
“Fifteen.” Everyone answered in unison and looked at me
and then at the empty spot Alyssa had just left.
“The girlfriend,” I stated.
Connor nodded numbly.
“Shit.”
Aaron, the person who I least expected to do anything in this
type of situation, leaned forward and placed a hand on Connor’s
shoulder. “It’s not your fault, you know that, right?”
Connor shook his head. “If I would have paid more
attention. If…”
Sam was eerily quiet. I looked to him and noticed that he
had been sitting there crying for a while.
“It was an accident,” Sam said hoarsely. “I’ve spent too
many days wishing I’d have done something, anything really.” His
eyes flickered to Connor. “There was nothing you could do, man,
nothing any of us could do. Sometimes life is just damn unfair.”
His hands shook as he clenched and unclenched his fingers. I
narrowed my eyes as I watched another tear slide down his cheek.
His response was different than the others. It was personal, more
personal than even the best friend responsible. And suddenly it
dawned on me. I’d seen that look on my brother’s face before — the
day I was lying in the hospital bed.
“You’re his brother.”
Sam’s head snapped to attention and then his eyes
narrowed. “How’d you know?”
Honestly I had no idea how the hell I knew it, or that his face
reminded me of Alec’s. I shrugged. “The way you are with her,
almost as if you’re trying to be him or something. Like you owe her
what he didn’t follow through on. I don’t know, maybe I’m just
losing my mind, but I do know one thing. You can’t take his place,
man.” I looked at him dead on. “That’s how I can tell.”
“Shit.” Sam hit his hand against the coffee table and cursed
again. “I know I can’t take his place, don’t you think I know that?”
“Then what the hell are you doing?” I said it calmly. I
needed him to see what he was doing. The shell of a life he was
leading. I don’t even know how I knew it. I could just tell. He was
miserable. He didn’t want to be in Seaside, working at the
aquarium.
“She needs me.”
“You can’t save her.” Whoa. Where did that come from?
Was I suddenly being gifted with wisdom instead of jackass-ness?
Sam nodded his head and then got to his feet and slowly
“I’m sorry, man.” Connor shook his head. I’d never seen a
guy cry like that before. Sobs wracked his body. I wasn’t one for
man love, but I couldn’t just let him sit there. So I sat next to him on
the couch and patted his back while Sam sat next to him and cried
as well.
I wasn’t sure if this meant I was the worst group facilitator
in the world or the best. I felt raw, upset, so many things. I didn’t
even want to acknowledge my own feelings, because if I did I’d
realize what a complete ass I’d been for the last two years.
People were hurting in this world.
Yes. I’ve had my fair share. But at least I had family to help
me get over it. I had Alec and Nat. I was able to power through,
finally.
But these people. Their cuts were still wide open for the
world to see. Alyssa especially, and a part of me realized that it
would take a lot more than group therapy to help the girl.
I steered the conversation toward our next meeting and
walked everyone out. Sam and Connor both stopped in front of me.
Both of them had ghosts of a smile on their faces.
“Thanks, man.” Connor pulled me into a hug and slapped
my back.
“No problem.” I coughed.
Sam shook his head. “Of all the people to work through this
shit with us…”
I rolled my eyes. “I know, I know. I’m probably the worst.”
Sam swallowed and looked down at the ground. “No, um, I
was going to say you’re probably the best.”
I didn’t know what to say.
“Are you hitting on me?” I joked.
Sam rolled his eyes. “And there he is, Demetri Daniels,
certified man-whore. We’ll see you later, man.”
“Wait, you don’t want my number?” I smirked, this time I
was serious.
The guys laughed and we traded numbers before I shut the
door behind them.
Chapter Thirteen
Alyssa
I ran as fast as I could, but the nightmare just kept catching
up to me. I saw blood, too much blood.
Sweat poured down my face as my feet pumped against the
concrete. Tears mixed with sweat trickled down my lips as I gasped
for air. My side hurt, my legs hurt, everything hurt, especially my
heart.
Finally, after an hour of running up and down the
boardwalk, I found myself at the Aquarium.
It was tourist season, so it was still open.
I walked in and found Sally right away.
Memories of Brady feeding the seals rushed back to me.
“You have to be careful, Alyssa, don’t want the seals biting your
hand off.”
I rolled my eyes. “Brady, I’m fine, just give me the fish.”
“Say please.”
“No.”
“What?” He laughed, his blue eyes sparkling. “Did you just say
no?”
I nodded my head and stuck out my tongue. “I will not apologize,
now give me the fish.”
“At least pay the toll.”
“Fine.” I stepped forward and kissed him on the lips.
Sally chose that exact moment to splash both of us.
Brady laughed and lifted me up so he was bracing me against the
wall. “I kind of like you, you know that, right?”
“I kind of like you too,” I said, breathless.
“You’re a hot cheerleader.”
“You’re a sexy quarterback.”
We laughed and kissed some more. Sally splashed for attention.
I didn’t realize I was still crying until I noticed my tears were
falling onto the concrete fence in front of the cage.
“You okay?” The voice pierced my pain, only slightly. I
turned to see Demetri leaning against the door.
“How’d you know I was here?”
“Easy.” He shrugged. “I put a tracking device in your taffy.