surprise
no point
It's supposed to be a practice
to see how we would cope in a real fire situation
But nobody moves fast enough because they know it's only a drill
and they don't give a toss.
I bet they're only having a fire drill because they know
I have no lessons and they want me to stay in the library all day
writing poems about staying in the library all day
The school register may be a legal document
but it's still the most exaggerated piece of fiction
since the unemployment figures
There aren't any real people here at all
I don't know, Thatcher's bloody Britain
THE KNAP
When I was five
my father took me to a lake
to feed the swans
One of them rose gracefully out of the water
and almost bit my face off
BLAIR
There was a young man called Blair
who once had plenty of hair
After ten years in power
he saw with a glower
that most of it just wasn't there
But confidence he did not lack
in deciding to invade Iraq
but when he was hated
not congratulated
he left and hasn't come back
THIS IS CALLED 'SIMPLY'
Today I was chased by a quantity of rabbits.
Somewhere between 31 and 107
I'd just emerged from the greengrocers and I suspect they were enticed by the carrots that
lingered within my carrier bag
I tried to explain to them that I needed them for a stew
the carrots that is, not the rabbits themselves
I did once see diced rabbit for sale in Iceland, the shop not the country
but I didn't buy any because I once had rabbits as pets
and I could no more eat a rabbit than I could eat a cat or a dog
Or a tortoise
I've never had a pet tortoise but I still couldn't eat one
I did eat horse meat in France which was delicious, the meat not the country
I've never had a horse as a pet, but one of them did try to eat my dinky toy bat mobile outside a newsagents in 1977, so I was quite happy to eat a horse burger for breakfast
Besides, any animal that can be cruel enough to kill Superman
and Roy Kinnear deserves everything they get
Anyway, I explained to the rabbits that I needed the carrots for a stew
and that I only had 3 carrots anyway
which wouldn't go far among between 31 and 107 rabbits
and would in all probability lead to
some rabbit on rabbit internecine violence
Nevertheless, despite the logic of my argument
the rabbits continued to follow me.
I was getting close to my house by now
and began to worry because I didn't want
these between 31 and 107 rabbits to know my address
I dodged down some back streets and managed to outrun them
I enjoyed my stew that evening
which contained exactly the right amount of carrots
thus vindicating my earlier argument
but later I was troubled by strange dreams
where I had very small feet and white fur
very small feet and white fur.
TRAGEDY PLUS TIME
Tragedy plus time equals comedy
that's what I have heard said
but how long do you have to wait
after the subject is dead
before you can make jokes
about them
Some people still get shirty
if you mention Jesus
no sense of perspective
those insane believers
but if you believe all that nonsense
then you don't think he's actually dead
he's still passing around the fish
he's still passing around the bread
and making sure everyone's fed
but nobody ever saw Jesus
passing around the cheeses
THE ZEBRA BREAKFAST INCIDENT
The table has been laid
There's milk in the jug
The zebras are seated
One of them has some fruit and fibre
One of them opts for strawberry crisp
Another reaches for the cornflakes
But oh dear - what's happened here?
Only a few crumbs remain
Somebody has replaced an essentially empty packet in the cupboard
and failed to inform everyone that they're out of cornflakes
In the meantime, the other 2 have begun their respective cereals
and emptied both the strawberry crisp and fruit and fibre
This means one of them has to go without breakfast
Oh dear - it's going to kick off now
"Why is it always me who has to go to the shops?" cries Barry
in as petulant a way as a zebra
with it's limited facial expression and limb control
can muster
Domestic harmony is now precarious
Until one of the others points out the chocolate gateaux
which is hidden at the back of the freezer
and can be defrosted in the microwave in a relatively short space of time
And so the incident ends with Barry eating a large plate of chocolate gateaux
but pretending outwardly that he's not enjoying it
so as to make the others feel guilty
He also resolves to hide his own secret stash of cornflakes
under his bed from now on
in order to avoid this or a similar situation
occurring in the near or not quite so near future
THE BALLAD OF TONY BLAIR
Who are you?
To take the moral high ground
Who are you?
To spin us all around
Who are you?
To tell me what to think
Who are you?
To tell me what to drink
Who are you?
To tell me what to eat
Who are you?
So bitter in defeat
Who are you?
At night you talk to god
Who are you?
On us all you trod
Who are you?
A top the greasy pole
Who are you?
Good job there is no soul
You've never lived
in the real world
and so my voice
remains unheard
you've never struggled
to pay the bills
you've never lived
with real life's ills
Insulting my
intelligence each day
blame us when things
don't go your way
we're characters in
your farcical play
I wish you'd choke
on the shit you say
Who are you?
A genocidal liar
if there was a hell
you'd burn in it's fire
WHOSE MORALITY IS IT ANYWAY?
Why are people who are killed
always innocent?
Why is a man's life worth more
if he was father of three?
Today there was a murder
a man was arrested
I know that you probably
won't be interested
but the man who committed
this terrible crime
never had a mental illness
at any time
He wasn't unemployed
he wasn't on drugs
he wasn't one of those
ubiquitous hooded thugs
He was a regular person
just like you and me
an unpalatable truth
I think you'll agree
So he won't make the news
you'll keep him out of the way
and wait for a schizophrenic
so you can all say
another nutter killed today
let's lock the fucking scum away
ZEITGEIST
Always an end
to every trend
predictable
and risible
don't follow it
ignore that shit
forge your own path
have the last laugh
wear your own clothes
don't flock in droves
to copy your friends
in the latest trends
disposable
regrettable
despicable
maleable
forgetable
plastic people
ELUSIVE MUSE
The Universe is my muse
It's the only one I use
My creative spark needs a fuse
So what have I to lose?
The stars reflect their light
And I try with all my might
To set imagination in flight
In a sense, this is my plight
Because there's nobody at home
To read my latest tome
So I always write alone
This solitude to which I'm prone
So I search the universe
Break my solitary curse
I guess it could be worse
It has given me this verse
The ideas always come
Like the answer to a sum
My imagination never fails
It always tells me tales
I'm never stuck for words
The ideas always flow
Like the worms that feed the birds
It is always, ever so
My mind feeds itself
Like a greedy child with sweets
No ideas left on the shelf
I finish all creative treats
So my inspiration is life
Through the happiness and strife
I will always, always write
Even when I'm feeling shite
Mostly I'm talking to myself
But I'm always fine with that
Cos I've lived alone for years
Though I used to have a cat
It's the process that I love
I don't need validation
I know when I've written well
And that's plenty consolation
So I'm writing to myself I guess
I'm writing just for me
I don't want to be famous
But I would quite like some money
So my tribute's to the Universe
Not one person or thing
The infinity of space-time
That's made of tiny string
It's the only muse I need
For my imagination to feed
And evolve each tiny seed
Into a nice story, novel, poem or some other form of writing
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