bee in each ear
and holding a gaudy pencil case
to be in a pain in everyone's rear.
5
Entertain the passengers
stretch your legs for a while
by frantically goose stepping
up and down the aisle.
6
Pretend to be tory,
read the Daily Mail and smile
and, to be extra convincing,
goose step down the aisle.
7
Creep up behind Michael Portillo
while he is unaware
put his elbows in a soda stream
and just leave him there.
8
When the guard comes around
pretend to be asleep
refuse to produce your ticket
as a protest against the extortionate prices and poor service.
15 YEARS
I should've been here 15 years ago
but I sat and wasted so much time
on self doubt and pointless misery
I never stood to claim what's mine
Now I'm where I always wanted
living on my own happy and free
others' opinions no longer fill my head
I've climbed out of the family tree
To a land where my mind is clear
free of doubt and pressure from outside
now I carry out plans successfully
walk forward through my life with pride
The rules say I should be dead by now
and I would be if others had their say
the world did its' best to get rid of me
but now I'm stronger and here to stay
You can still doubt me if you want to
for not having a mortgage or a car
but I can do without those encumbrances
I know where I'm going and that's far
So far away from you, you can't conceive
of where I am already at
cos now I am no longer holding back
I'm running free and that is that
A fact you cannot even comprehend
cos you don't know what freedom means
you're just a drone who plays the lottery
perpetuating recessive genes
Success to you is living hell to me
I wouldn't go there for any price
No one can ever buy me now
I see straight through you in a trice
So from now on it is my life
To do with whatever I choose
I won't ever see things your way
or walk a millimeter in your shoes
Cos I am self perpetuating
I make my choices for myself
Now my path is clear in front of me
I've got down from the dusty shelf
Where people sit and waste a lifetime
being a drone or sheep or clone
I don't need your advice or platitudes
I can succeed now on my own
Cos it's my rules, my terms, my strategy
I'm playing now in my own game
Don't you dare to try and copy me
cos you and I are not the same
You must decide upon your own path
don't look to me or anyone
It's not society you should look to
think for yourself, that's lesson done
21st CENTURY BLUES
I've got the 21st century blues
I'm a man out of his time
I've got the 21st century blues
Politicians lies and crime
Everywhere things going wrong
Does the human race have long?
We haven't evolved
in the last 40,000 years
Perhaps that explains
all our confusions and fears
Still fighting tribal battles
internecine strife and hate
Outdated racial conflict
battles between church and state
Archaic superstition
Informs political decision
religious contradiction
leads us all into perdition
I've got the 21st century blues
a planet swallowed by the internet
I've got the 21st century blues
So many things we just forget
Like how to speak to people
conversation face to face
Can we get off this insane path
or will Bush have the last laugh?
With his finger on the button
as god whispers in his ear
a delusional fool
creating hate and fear
I've got the 21st century blues
Will I live to see a change
I've got the 21st century blues
In this world it's me who's strange
Cos I don't need a belief
For existential relief
You call me infidel
and want to send me down to hell
but there is no such place
so blow the smile off your face
When I die I'm going nowhere
and you will rot like me
In the end we're all just microbes
the truth you refuse to see
Your world view so distorted
that your mind is never free
I've got the 21st century blues
but at least I am still me
I've got the 21st century blues
but at least my mind is free
ODE TO A BAG OF LEAVES
I really, really, really
love a cup of tea
it's tasty
it fuels me
it makes me happy
SUPPLEMENTARY QUESTION
At what point
should a towel
be washed?
WAITER
I went up to a 34 waist
and in haste
I threw out loads of my trousers.
Then I lost a bit of weight
and wished I'd wait
ed
before discarding several pairs of 32 waist trousers.
WASTED CYCLE
I hate it when I put
some trousers in the wash
and forget a bit of tissue
it's a frustrating issue.
CHINESE SNOOKER
In snooker
when a player is hampered
by having to cue over another ball
which is directly behind the cue ball
it is known as a 'Chinese snooker'.
Now that there are increasing number of top Chinese players
will they have to call it something else?
May I suggest a 'reverse snooker'
since that's what it actually is?
It was called a 'Chinese snooker'
because it's a 'back to front' snooker
and Chinese writing is back to front
when compared to written English.
But surely that means the Chinese players
should call it an 'English snooker',
which would become rather confusing?
The same event is viewed differently
depending on the observer
rather like the wave/particle duality
at the heart of quantum physics.
I had no idea that would be the last line
when I started writing this poem.
But it isn't now because that was.
No that was.
No that was.
No this is.
Definitely.
DIE FOR YOUR BELIEFS
Die for your beliefs if you want to
but don't expect me to join you
Killing yourself for god
supreme act of stupidity
even if there was a heaven
they wouldn't let you in
Destroy yourself if you want to
but don't expect me to join you
Holy War - oxymor
on
War for Peace - oxymoron
Peacekeeping Force - oxymoron
form a queue - you're a moron
Pray for guns
pray for bombs
pray for death
your wish is granted
Israel
kill with impunity
we'll all let you do it
nobody dares say anything
cos you're not allowed
to criticise the jews
so we let them invade a country
what kind of sense does that make?
We're all so guilty about world war two
that we'll let them start a third one
America sends them blessings and weapons
cos they can't upset the business men
The age old foreign policy
prop up one tyranny
to counterbalance another
That's been a resounding success over the years,
hasn't it?
Oh I forgot
CHOICE
Choice is the new buzzword
We've choice in everything
A multitude of options
None of which in any way fit our requirements.
DISEMBODIED BODY
Sometimes when I'm sitting down
it can seem to be the case
that my legs don't belong to me
a strange prospect to face
They look so unfamiliar
and disassociated
I know it's a false thought
but my mind won't be placated
I feel disembodied
like a mind without a head
like my body has been stolen
and I've another one instead
I just cannot relate
to this gristle and this bone
and can't shake the feeling
that this bodies not my own
It won't do what I tell it
it always misbehaves
sometimes it will do something
that doesn't even rhyme
from time to time
it's not a crime
but it's not sublime
and it's quite inconvenient
when I walk into a lamp post
FREE TRADE
Sanctions only hurt the poor
the disaffected
the powerless
while the leaders remain
in their ivory tower
counting their money
and their power
Sanctions don't work
they're political sophistry
smoke and mirrors
a pretence at action and conscience
from people who know the meaning of neither
Free trade means freedom for everyone
including the tyrants
a genuine world wide free market
free from protectionism and subsidy
We also need a world wide free market
for ideas
Ideas can't hurt anyone
Only actions and people hurt people
We need to be free to express ideas
without worrying about offending people
or falling foul of draconian laws
designed to restrict free thought
We should give all ideas free reign
no matter how absurd or offensive
they may be to some
and allow natural selection to take it's course
When everything is out in the open
the unworkable and the hateful
can be dealt with in an adult manner
instead of becoming merely 'taboo'
which means nothing is ever dealt with
and nothing ever resolved
so the unworkable and the hateful
continue and perpetuate
Middle class liberals congratulate