pines and the blue jays.
RHONDA looks over GK’s shoulder as he pretends to sort through cards and letters on the podium.
GK
And here’s a special request from young
Aaron Westendorp in Edina. He says, “I love
listening to your show and—”
RHONDA leans into the microphone.
RHONDA
He says, “I sure would love to hear those
Johnson Girls shake their hips and sing a
little,
(SHE SINGS)
Baby, baby, be my man . . . kiss me, touch me,
hold my hand . . .
GK
Just joking, he says.
RHONDA
Where does it say that?
GK
Right there. He’d like to hear Yolanda and me do
an old favorite here, called “Gold Watch & Chain.”
(TO THE BAND)
Boys.
YOLANDA looks at GK with hesitation as the BAND strikes up the tune. RHONDA, upstage, waves good-bye to the audience. GK grabs a stool and sits. The band vamps for a few bars as GK and YOLANDA look at each other. She is caught in uncertainty. And then she gathers herself together and steps up and sings.
YOLANDA (SINGS)
Darling, how could I stay here without you
I have nothing to ease my poor heart
This old world would seem sad, love, without you
Tell me now that we never will part
YOLANDA & GK (SING)
Oh I’ll pawn you my gold watch and chain, love
And I’ll pawn you my gold wedding ring
I will pawn you this heart in my bosom
Only say that you’ll love me again
CUT TO:
INT. FITZGERALD WINGS—SAME TIME
CHUCK AKERS stands in the wings, in a crowd, holding a mandolin, and plays along softly.
YOLANDA (SINGS O.C.)
Oh, the white rose that grew in the garden
It died, dear, when you broke my heart
It bloomed on the day that I met you
But now we have fallen apart
The DANGEROUS WOMAN steps in beside CHUCK AKERS as he plays. He does not notice her, his escort to the next world. She waits patiently, as a mother waiting to drive a child to a birthday party.
YOLANDA & GK (SING O.C.)
Oh I’ll pawn you my gold watch and chain, love
And I’ll pawn you my gold wedding ring
I will pawn you this heart in my bosom
Only say that you’ll love me again.
GUY NOIR slips in behind her and stands stock-still, eyeballing her, leaning slightly toward her and sniffing.
YOLANDA (SINGS O.C.)
Don’t you know that I gave you my heart, dear,
It was given and can’t be returned
You have left me to be with another
All my hopes and my bridges are burned.
CUT TO:
27 INT. STAGE—CONTINUOUS
YOLANDA and GK in duet.
YOLANDA & GK
Oh I’ll pawn you my gold watch and chain, love
And I’ll pawn you my gold wedding ring
I will pawn you this heart in my bosom
Only say that you’ll love me again.
Only say that you’ll love me again.
Only say that you’ll love me again.
The song ends to applause, YOLANDA waves to the audience as STAGEHANDS bring in sound-effects table and gear, and MOLLY comes in with scripts.
GK
Thank you, Yolanda, and now let’s come in
here with a message about duct tape.
He gestures questioningly to MOLLY (Duct tape?) and she vigorously nods yes, as she searches through the numerous stacks of paper she has carefully arranged in her left hand and right hand and under her left arm, as he wings it.
GK (O.C.)
Yes, duct tape. So many uses for it around the
house . . . loose windows, drafty windows . . .
things fall off, handles of things, levers,
grommets . . . you know how it is—
MOLLY is sorting through the array of scripts and papers in her hands, under her chin, between her knees. She is confident that the script is here, in her hands, and she searches quickly and with smooth dexterity.
GK (O.C.)
—things fall apart. It’s the way of the world.
You put something in a safe place and two
minutes later you can’t find it. Try taping it to
the wall with duct tape . . . it’s like tying a
piece of string around your finger—
MOLLY, with batches of scripts and papers in her left hand, under her chin, in her mouth, reaches into her pocket for her glasses, puts them on, and in that moment, drops the papers under her left arm. They fly in all directions, and she tries to catch them, thus losing them all, creating a small blizzard of paper. Several musicians and a stagehand come to help her scoop up the debris. Meanwhile GK wings it.
GK
Duct tape . . . there’s no end of uses for it. For
a quick fixer-upper, a strip of duct tape does
the job. So many things . . . leaking pipes—
The SOUND-EFFECTS (SFX) MAN does the sound of dripping.
GK
And the leak rots the wood so maybe your
whole kitchen counter comes loose.
SFX MAN does squeaking wood.
GK
SFX MAN, more wood squeaking. RHONDA steps in, inspired.
RHONDA
Maybe your orangutan was jumping up and
down on it.
SFX MAN does imitation of orangutan.
RHONDA
Maybe your Rottweiler got the orangutan all
riled up.
SFX MAN does imitation of Rottweiler.
GK
No, the Rottweiler was locked in the
basement.
SFX MAN closes SFX door, locks and bolts it.
GK
See? He’s all locked up.
RHONDA
But the orangutan has a chain saw.
SFX MAN does orangutan starting up chainsaw.
RHONDA
And he cut a hole in the door and the
Rottweiler got out.
SFX MAN does orangutan, chainsaw, cutting wood, Rottweiler.
RHONDA
And also the peacock.
SFX MAN does peacock, orangutan, Rottweiler.
RHONDA
And suddenly a helicopter came in overhead.
SFX MAN, helicopter.
RHONDA
Through the flock of Canadian geese. And
the helicopter startled the peacock.
SFX MAN, shriek of peacock.
YOLANDA
And he leaped at the orangutan.
SFX MAN, orangutan terror.
YOLANDA
And the orangutan threw the chainsaw.
SFX MAN, flying chainsaw.
RHONDA
Through the plate-glass window.
SFX MAN breaks glass in the sound box.
YOLANDA
And it hit the mailman, Harvey—
SFX MAN, scream.
YOLANDA
—who is bringing you a letter from your
ex-girlfriend. Which now you’re never going
to read. So you won’t know that she’s still
angry at you for having dumped her—just
threw her away—the woman who loved
you—you met someone new and—how could
you do that? She’ll never understand. And
duct tape isn’t going to help you with that.
GK
No, I suppose not, but with two out of three
home chores—
YOLANDA now has GK in a tight spot. The audience realizes that she is speaking directly to him and not kidding.
YOLANDA
Duct tape isn’t going to make an honest man
out of you.
GK
No, it won’t.
YOLANDA
And it isn’t going to give you whatever it
was you were looking for. What were you
looking for?
GK
Looking for—
MOLLY has now found the script (“Aha!”) and thrusts it at GK in triumph.
GK
—Got it!—duct tape. . . . Life is short and all
repairs are temporary and it’s almost just
about the only thing that really works
sometimes, duct tape.
MOLLY hands him one more script. He reads it from out of her hand.
GK
More of A Prairie Home Companion in a
moment after we come in with a word about
coffee. Yes, nothing keeps you focused quite
like caffeine.
The BAND swings into a Latin rhythm, and JEARLYN dances onstage.
GK & JEARLYN (SINGING)
Smells so lovely when you pour it,
You will want to drink a quar’t
Of coffee. It’s delicious all alone, it’s
Also good with doughnuts.
Black coffee.
Coffee stimulates your urges,
It is served in Lutheran churches,
Keeps the Swedes and Germans
Awake through the sermons.
Have a pot of it today,
I’m sure you’ll say
It’s awfully good coffee.
The jingle ends. MOLLY is at GK’s elbow.
GK
And now while you get that cup of coffee,
let’s bring in Miss—
MOLLY takes his elbow, shakes her head, points to the wings where CHUCK AKERS is emerging, whispers to GK.
GK
Let’s bring in Mr. Chuck Akers right now
with a number. Mr. Akers, how you doing
tonight?
CHUCK AKERS, guitar on a strap around his neck, steps up to a microphone, to audience applause.
CHUCK AKERS
Never better, thank you very much. No time
like the present, that’s what I say.
He touches up the tuning of the guitar as he talks.
CHUCK AKERS
I’d like to send this song out to all the fans
who’ve meant so much to me through thirty
years on this show. Doesn’t seem like that long,
but it has been. And, come Monday morning,
Mrs. Akers and I are packing up the trailer and
heading south, off on life’s next adventure. So
tonight’s going to be good-bye for me.
There is strong applause.
CHUCK AKERS
Thank you very much. I never was much for
good-byes, but I would like to send this old
Carter Family song out to all the friends and
neighbors.
He strums.
CHUCK AKERS
My bark of life was tossing down
The troubled stream of time
When first I saw your smiling face
And youth was in its prime
Oh, I’ll ne’er forget where e’er I roam
Where ever you may be
If ever I have had a friend
You have been that friend to me.
As he picks out a turnaround on the guitar, the BAND joins him.
CHUCK AKERS
Misfortune nursed me as her child
And loved me fondly, too
I would have had a broken heart
Had it not been for you.
ROBIN & LINDA step up to a separate microphone to sing with him on the chorus.
CHUCK AKERS & ROBIN & LINDA
Oh, I’ll ne’er forget where e’er I roam
Where ever you may be
If ever I have had a friend
You have been that friend to me.
CHUCK AKERS
I now look back upon the past
Across life’s troubled sea
And smile to think ’mid all life’s scenes
You’ve been a friend to me.
CHUCK AKERS & ROBIN & LINDA & GK (BASS)
Oh, I’ll ne’er forget where e’er I roam
Where ever you may be
If ever I have had a friend
You have been that friend to me.
If ever I have had a friend
You have been that friend to me.
The song ends to applause. CHUCK AKERS waves, bows, and leaves the stage, and the camera follows him.
28 INT. FITZGERALD WINGS—SAME TIME
The LUNCH LADY stands in the wings, teary eyed, and CHUCK AKERS walks past her and the STAGE MANAGER into the crowd of musicians, where DUSTY and LEFTY are waiting to go onstage, tended by MOLLY.
GK (O.C.)
Thank you, Chuck Akers. And right now,
let’s come in with a word about ketchup.
(COMMERCIAL CONTINUES)
DUSTY (TO MOLLY)
Tell old Fish Face here that his butt is too big
for those pants of his and people can see his
crack and it isn’t anything that a normal
person would ever care to see.
LEFTY looks back over his shoulder, trying to look at his butt.
LEFTY
Where?
DUSTY
In the back. That’s where your crack is. Reach
back and you’ll find it.
LEFTY
I don’t see anything. Hey, Molly—
MOLLY
Don’t ask.
LEFTY
Am I decent back there?
MOLLY
Don’t ask me. I’m not your mother.
She walks away.
DUSTY
If you lost about fifty pounds, you might be.
Provided you didn’t lose it from your head.
LEFTY eyes him and takes a step away.
LEFTY
Molly’s expecting a baby.
DUSTY
So what?
LEFTY
Just stating a fact. Wonder who the daddy is?
DUSTY
Well, we all know it wasn’t you.
LEFTY
She showed me her tattoo once.
DUSTY
Hell she did.
LEFTY
On her shoulder.
DUSTY
You’re lying through your teeth.
LEFTY
Her left shoulder. Right here.
He points to a spot just below his collarbone.
DUSTY
Liar. That ain’t her shoulder.
LEFTY
Whatever you want to call it.
DUSTY
You’re ridiculous.
LEFTY
Ask her. Maybe she’ll let you have a look at it.
DUSTY
What does it say?
LEFTY
It says Freedom.
DUSTY
Now I know you’re lying.
LEFTY
You just think whatever you want to think.
He sees LOLA approach and takes off his hat to her.
LEFTY
I hear you’re going to sing us a song, Lola.
Looking forward to that.
LOLA
Hey, no problem.
LEFTY
Well, it sure means the world to your mom.
She always said you had talent.
LOLA
I don’t know any of their songs. I only know
my songs.
LEFTY
So, sing one of them.
LOLA
They’re mostly about death.
LEFTY (HE BRIGHTENS)
Well, a lot of good songs about death—
LOLA
Mine are about suicide.
LEFTY
Oh.
LOL
A
Hanging yourself with an extension cord.
Carbon monoxide. That sort of thing.
DUSTY
I could do “Amazing Grace” with you.
LOLA
I know “Amazing Grace.”
DUSTY
I could play guitar and we could get
everybody singing—
LEFTY
I’m not sure you knew this about my friend
Dusty here, but—
DUSTY
Oh shut up, would you?
LEFTY
He learned to sing gospel music at San
Quentin prison.
DUST
Just shut your pie hole—
LEFTY
That’s where I found him. I was with Johnny
Cash, singing in prisons—
DUSTY
You’re not funny, Lefty—
LEFTY
There were these heinous depraved
criminals, and—
DUSTY