The backstage crowd turning its attention toward the stage, musicians, stagehands, the STAGE MANAGER on the phone, MOLLY, GK, and then LOLA joins them. DUSTY is behind her.
JOHNSON GIRLS (V.O.)
All of the world, it is so sad and weary,
Everywhere I roam.
Oh Mama, how I missed the prairie,
And my Minnesota home.
CUT TO:
20 INT. STAGE—SAME TIME
YOLANDA JOHNSON onstage.
YOLANDA (SINGS)
I can see Mama on Sunday mornings
All the good old hymns that were sung
We knelt in prayer with our aunts and uncles,
Who loved us when we were young.
In the valley of darkness, they are the shepherds
Who lead me to the pastures green
And I’ll sit with mama by the still still waters,
And goodness and mercy follow me.
21 INT. FITZGERALD WINGS—SAME TIME
Beyond the crowd in the wings, GUY NOIR stands at the security desk, staring into the camera.
JOHNSON GIRLS (SING O.C.)
I’ve floated down the Columbia and the Hudson
Walked on the banks of the O-hi-o.
GUY NOIR
You came back.
DANGEROUS WOMAN (O.C.)
I did.
GUY NOIR
The Presbyterians weren’t what you were
looking for?
JOHNSON GIRLS (SING O.C.)
On the banks of the Wabash and the mighty Colorado And the old Red River way up north.
DANGEROUS WOMAN (O.C.)
No. I was sent here, Mr. Noir.
GUY NOIR
What can I do for you?
DANGEROUS WOMAN (O.C.)
Really nothing, Mr. Noir. I’ll take care of it.
You have a nice show here.
JOHNSON GIRLS (SING O.C.)
All the world it is a world of rivers
Flowing to the sea
Here along the dear Mississippi
Here is the home for you and me.
LOLA stands in the wings, watching. DUSTY and LEFTY stand behind her. GUY NOIR, beyond them, is staring ahead. He is stunned by the presence of the woman.
GUY NOIR
Thanks. We like it.
DANGEROUS WOMAN (O.C.)
Do you believe in the fullness of time and the
spirit? Most people don’t, you know. But it
would be good, Mr. Noir, if you opened your
heart to the fullness of time—and to the spirit
(SHE GENUFLECTS)
which upholds and sustains us all through
this world. Amen.
GUY NOIR
Whatever you say.
He gazes at her as the DANGEROUS WOMAN, in a white raincoat, a Twins baseball cap, and dark glasses, puts her hand on his shoulder and moves past him to stand behind LOLA.
CUT TO:
22 INT. FITZGERALD STAGE—SAME TIME
The JOHNSON GIRLS hold hands, singing, as musicians come onstage behind them for the next act.
JOHNSON GIRLS (SINGING)
All of the world, it is so sad and weary,
Everywhere I roam.
Oh Mama, how I missed the prairie,
And my Minnesota home.
Audience applause. GK looks up and grins and gestures to his right.
GK
The Johnson Girls . . . thank you. Brought to
you by Powdermilk Biscuits . . . heavens,
they’re tasty and expeditious, made from
whole wheat raised by Norwegian bachelor
farmers so you know they’re good for you
and pure mostly . . . and by Jack’s Auto
Repair, where the bright flashing lights show
you the way to complete satisfaction.
GK (CONT’D)
I’d like to come in and sing a song and send
this out to all the friends in my hometown.
(HE SINGS)
Slow days of summer in this old town
Sun goes across the sky
Sometimes a car goes by
There’s one right now.
Looks like a Chevy. Your Chev is blue.
This Chev is white and brown
It isn’t slowing down,
Guess it’s not you.
(As he sings, DANGEROUS WOMAN appears in the doorway of the Prairie Home set upstage from him.)
You said you’d be here Sunday or so.
If you could get away,
You didn’t know.
I love you darling, waiting alone.
Waiting for you to show.
Wishing you’d call me though
I don’t have a phone.
(DANGEROUS WOMAN emerges from the set and stands on the porch, watching him.)
Waiting for love to come, all comes alive.
Birds sing in angel tongues
Small stones like diamonds
All down the drive.
(HE SINGS) (CONT’D)
Visions of love appear, clouds passing through
All of my life, I see
Passing so beautifully
Waiting for you.
(GUY NOIR appears in the doorway of Prairie Home, in pursuit of DANGEROUS WOMAN as she crosses the stage.)
Around the corner, an old dog appears
Stands in the summer sun
Waiting for love to come.
Wish you were here.
GK
Prince of Pizza, the frozen pizza that tastes
homemade. With real Minnesota mozzarella
and sausage.
(HE SINGS, TO TUNE OF “LA DONNA E MOBILE”)
One Prince of Pizza slice
Puts me in paradise,
Sausage and extra cheese
Onions and anchovies,
You can stay home
And feel you’re in Rome
No need to go ta
Italy, you can eat prettily here in Minnesota.
Prince of Pizza.
CUT TO:
23 INT. WINGS—SAME TIME
The camera follows GK past the STAGE MANAGER and into the wings, through the crowd of musicians. Then we see the LUNCH LADY holding her box of sandwiches up to the
DANGEROUS WOMAN.
LUNCH LADY
Egg salad or ham salad?
DANGEROUS WOMAN
Why are you crying?
LUNCH LADY
It’s the last show. I’m never going to see these
people again.
DANGEROUS WOMAN
You’ll see them again.
LUNCH LADY
Chuck and I . . . been dating for years. I can’t
believe this is the last show.
(SHE WEEPS)
All of them from the old days—Soupy
Schindler, Red Maddock, Ray Marklund,
Helen Schneyer—gone and forgotten.
DANGEROUS WOMAN
Every sparrow is remembered.
LUNCH LADY
I don’t even know as they’re going to make a
speech or anything. . . . It doesn’t seem right,
does it? Some big company come in and step
on us like we were bugs at the picnic?
24 INT. MAKEUP ROOM—LATER
LEFTY sits in one of the makeup chairs as DONNA powders his face. CHUCK AKERS lounges nearby, enjoying a beer and a smoke. GUY NOIR sits on the counter, examining his nails. The YODELER sits on a folding chair. She is a stocky woman in a cowgirl suit, her hair stiff with hairspray, heavily made up. GK voice, reading a commercial, comes from the monitor speaker on the wall. GUY NOIR reaches up and turns it off.
DONNA
So when are we going to tell the people that
this is the end? That it’s the last show? Why
the big silence? I don’t get it.
GUY NOIR leans up close to the mirror and examines his eyebrows and his nostri
ls for nose hair.
GUY NOIR
Maybe it’s not.
CHUCK AKERS
It’s my last, that’s for sure. Old lady laid
down the law—
DONNA
Don’t kid yourself. You know it as well as I
do. Plain as the nose on your face. They sold
us down the river.
CHUCK AKERS
Put her foot down. Told me she was going to
hitch up the trailer, head south.
LEFTY
Trim the eyebrows, wouldja? Thanks.
GUY NOIR
Maybe they’re trying to spook us.
DONNA
The Soderberg family selling out . . . I just
don’t get it. They’ve owned WLT since they
ran it out of the sandwich shop. That’s what
the call letters stand for. With Lettuce and
Tomato. How can you just walk away from
something like that? What are we, used
Kleenex?
GUY NOIR
They got old, babes. They started to think
about ease and comfort. They saw a brochure
for an island with palm trees and an azure
sky and miles of sand and they said, “Hey,
what are we suffering through these winters
for? We don’t have to freeze our butts waiting
for the bus to come—our bus has come! It’s
here! We’ll leave the business to the kids and
head for paradise and to hell with it.”
Problem is, the kids had gone down to
paradise ahead of them. So there was this big
corporation in Texas that offered them a
gazillion dollars for it and, okay, maybe they
did talk funny and their eyes didn’t focus and
their flesh was rotting and falling off, but hey,
nobody’s perfect, and money is money, so the
Soderbergs took the dough. End of story.
DONNA
You’d think one of them would have the
decency to come down here and tell us in
person. Look us in the eye and tell us—
LEFTY
Don’t take too much off the eyebrows—
CHUCK AKERS
I played at Chad Soderberg’s wedding
reception at the Minnesota Club. It was nice.
Had a smoked salmon the size of a golden
retriever.
LEFTY
I remember that.
CHUCK AKERS
Were you there?
LEFTY
We were wearing tuxedos, remember?
DONNA
What are we supposed to do, just walk off
the cliff?
GUY NOIR
I wasn’t going to tell you this, but . . .
between you and me and the flies on the
wall, there’s a woman on the premises who I
think maybe is going to save our bacon. She’s
got that look about her.
DONNA
Who is she?
GUY NOIR
I’m still working on figuring that out.
DONNA (TO LEFTY)
Close your eyes. Is she from NorComm?
GUY NOIR
Could be. Time will tell. I’ll just let personal
charm do its work. She walked in—couldn’t
take her eyes off me. Drawn to me like a
moth to the flame.
LEFTY
Maybe she needs a firm hand. The old
cowboy touch.
GUY NOIR
She asked about you, but I had to tell her
about your problem. All those years in the
saddle . . . alas, it took the lead right out of
your pencil. But I told her you know quite a
lot about fabrics and home decor, should she
need a decorator.
YODELER (TO DONNA)
You going to be able to get to me or should I
come back?
CHUCK AKERS
You look pretty gorgeous just the way you
are. You remind me of Ginny, that girl who
ran off with the drummer in the gospel band.
YODELER
Well, that’ll never happen to me. Unless it’s a
girl drummer.
She gets up and leaves. DONNA stands behind LEFTY and combs his eyebrows and snips at them.
DONNA
It’s the end of an era when this show goes . . .
won’t be much of anything on radio but
people yelling at you and computers playing
music. It’s a tragedy.
LEFTY (TO GUY)
You know, I would think that a professional
security man would be up at the stage door
where he belongs, defending us against
intruders, and not down here jawing about
his allure to women.
GUY NOIR
People with a clear conscience don’t need
much security. That’s been my experience.
And when I get the lowdown on this babe, I
may or may not let you know about it. I may
be out of here. We shall see.
25 INT. ONSTAGE—MOMENTS LATER
GK at the announcer’s podium, the JOHNSON GIRLS at stage center, MOLLY comes by and places scripts in their hands. ROBIN and LINDA stand behind GK, and the SHOE BAND.
GK
And now the Johnson Girls remind you that
this portion of our show is brought to you by
the Ketchup Advisory Board. Ketchup—it’s
rich with natural mellowing agents.
As he reads, MOLLY reaches over his shoulder, puts a script in place, yanks away the one he’s reading.
GK
And let’s not forget those Powdermilk
Biscuits either, right, Yolanda?
YOLANDA (READING)
When someone asks you where you’re from
and you tell them Minnesota, they think for a
minute and then they say, “It gets cold there,
doesn’t it.” And it does, of course.
RHONDA (READING)
Every year in Minnesota, nature makes a
couple sincere attempts to kill you, and then
we get the month of March, which God
designed to show people who don’t drink
what a hangover is like.
YOLANDA
And that’s why we Minnesotans are modest
people. Because we’ve been through winter.
If we ever got a gold medal, we would have
it bronzed, so nobody would think that we
think too highly of ourselves.
RHONDA
But we’re stubborn. We believe in
perseverance. Sticking to it. It’s like becoming
the Tallest Boy in the Fourth Grade. You stick
around and eventually the prize will be
yours.
GK
And when you need something to sustain
you, reach for Powdermilk Biscuits, made
from whole wheat that gives shy persons the
strength to get up and do what needs to be
done. Buy them in the big blue box with the
picture of the biscuit on the cover or ready-made
in the brown bag with the dark stains
that indicate freshness.
ROBIN & LINDA & GK SING:
Has your family tried ’em,
Powdermilk?
O has your family tried ’em,
Powdermilk?
If your family’s tried ’em
You know you’ve satisfied ’em,
They’re the real hot item,
Powdermilk.
The BAND plays the Powdermilk Biscuit theme behind them, as GK leans over YOLANDA.
GK
You want to do �
�Gold Watch & Chain,” here?
YOLANDA
You have the words?
GK
You remember it.
RHONDA
Who’s that woman over there? Another
girlfriend of yours?
YOLANDA (TO GK)
You sing lead and I’ll come in.
GK
You sing lead. You always sing lead.
RHONDA
Another one of the girlfriends you ditched?
GK
Who?
RHONDA
Back there behind Dusty. Woman in a white
raincoat.
GK
Let’s go.
The BAND ends the biscuit theme, to applause, as GK steps up to the microphone.
GK
Lots of cards and letters from listeners this
week, and thank you for that. Always good
to know that people are listening and the
signal isn’t just drifting around among the