What was I SUPPOSED to do? He always thought he was soooo big and important. Larger than life. I just. . .accentuated that.
(beat)
Besides, the citizens don’t know what I did to my brother. They trust me to keep them safe!
PINOCCHIO
They said the same thing about Bernie Madoff.
FEROCIA
We’ve got something else to worry about. For years I’ve selflessly given my nephew a home, but now that he’s eighteen, he can take this kingdom from me once he’s married. This kingdom I’ve built with terror and fear. . .Oh, Pinocchio.
(sighs)
It’s not easy being mean.
SONG 5: QUEEN OF MEAN
FEROCIA:
When I was a girl not so long ago,
my brother and I had a spat.
My mother advised,
I apologized,
and then I set fire to his favorite cat.
They thought I would outgrow my nasty tricks,
But I went from evil to worse.
I cheat, and I lie. I make people cry.
Honey, it’s true: bad girls finish first.
I’m a downpour at a wedding.
I’m the flu without the vaccine.
Attila the Hun
seems awfully fun
compared to the Queen of Mean.
If you’re thirsty in the desert,
You can bet that I’m a saltine.
Cruella De Vil
was run-of-the-mill
compared to the Queen of Mean.
Some say I took my brother’s kingdom.
I rather prefer the word “STOLE.”
That crash that he had?
Well, golly, my bad!
But world domination’s a lofty goal.
The citizens may never love me,
But I can still rule them with fear.
They’ll do as I say,
or maybe one day,
It’s possible that they might disappear.
I’m a rip along your nylons.
I’m a one-woman mujahideen.
Mussolini
was a weenie
compared to the Queen of Mean.
I’m the sip of milk that’s sour.
I’m a platter of lima beans.
George Bush is a saint
who showed great restraint
compared to the Queen of Mean,
The Queen of (makes sassy face) Mean!
REPRISE:
My costume always sells out
each and every Halloween.
I bite and I bark.
I’ve mastered my snark
because I’m the Queen of Mean,
The Queen of (kicks Pinocchio) MEAN!!!!
Jack and Eunice and Gertrude enter, still bickering.
FEROCIA (CONT’D)
Hello, my beautiful darlings.
PRINCE JACK
Pinocchio, do I have any messages?
PINOCCHIO
Yes: you could lose 30 pounds with the Oprah Diet Berry Shake. And the widow of a Nigerian tycoon needs you to get the millions of dollars that rightfully belong to her.
PRINCE JACK
Nothing from Felicity?
GERTRUDE
As IF, Jack.
EUNICE
You LOOK at a girl and break out in hives. . .
PRINCE JACK
That was an allergic reaction to pollen. . .
GERTRUDE
In DECEMBER?
FEROCIA
Honestly, Jack, dear, if you’re lonely, I can fix you up. . .
PRINCE JACK
No offense, Aunt Ferocia, but that didn’t work out so well last time.
FEROCIA
You shouldn’t have taken her target shooting!
PRINCE JACK
You should have told me my blind date was actually BLIND!
EUNICE
Jack’s in love with Felicity.
PINOCCHIO
HOO-ah!!! She’s the kind of girl who makes me glad I’m a real boy.
GERTRUDE
But every time he’s near her, he blubbers.
PINOCCHIO
(panicked)
BLUBBERS? Is there a WHALE around?
PRINCE JACK
I don’t actually blubber.
(beat)
I don’t say ANYTHING.
(to Ferocia)
I wish my dad was still here, so I could talk to him.
FEROCIA
Don’t we all.
PRINCE JACK
I bet we’d do father-son stuff.
Like fishing. Tossing a ball around.
PINOCCHIO
(dreamily)
Rubbing my back with a belt sander. . .
(beat)
Oh. Maybe that was just MY dad. . .
FEROCIA
Jack, your father would say to let Felicity see the real you!
PRINCE JACK
You. . .you really think so? (hugs her)
Thanks, Aunt Ferocia. What would I do without you?
He runs off.
FEROCIA
I’m hoping you’ll never find out. MUAAAHHAHAHAHA!
SCENE 7: A meadow with cottage
DURING SCENE CHANGE, Newsboy crosses stage:
NEWSBOY
Extra! Extra! Search for the gingerbread man’s missing body continues. . .He was last seen running fast as he could. . .
Felicity sits on a rock, reading PRINCESS BEHAVIOR FOR DUMMIES and drinking a Coke. A cottage is in the background.
FELICITY
How hard could this possibly be? I taught myself multivariable calculus, and when the carburetor on my Mustang died, I fixed it myself.
(beat)
Chapter 1: How to Act Like a Princess.
(reads)
A princess never troubles her brain with something as complex as multivariable calculus, or soils her hands with auto repair works.
(to audience)
Uh-oh.
(reads)
To the contrary, a princess is admired by everyone around her. She is kind and well-groomed.
(She sniffs her armpit)
So far so good!
(reads)
A princess must never stoop to chat with dragons.
(to audience, heartened)
I don’t even SPEAK dragon!
(reads)
A princess must have a dainty walk.
(trips and falls)
Above all else, a princess must have impeccable. . .
(LOUD BURP)
Manners.
(sighs)
Who am I kidding? Sure, I look like princess material. But it’s only a matter of time before everyone realizes I’d rather go out hunting for ogres and four-wheeling than doing needlepoint in an ivory tower. The last thing I need is a guy who wants the kind of girl who only exists in fairy tales.
SONG 6: A GIRL LIKE ME
FELICITY:
Act like a lady.
Never use your mind.
Don’t interrupt.
Always be kind.
Live your life as long as it’s confined.
Beauty is a virtue,
but I must confess
underneath this pretty face,
I am still a mess.
Where’s the guy who wants a girl like me?
to any dancing shoe.
I can climb the Matterhorn
Or dabble in kung fu.
I can hawk a loogie
And use a power tool,
But I’ll never graduate from finishing school.
Why does growing up mean I can’t have fun?
I will tell myself there’s got to be someone
whose happy endings match mine perfectly,
the kind of guy who wants a girl like me.
I may look the part,
But I’m no perfect lass.
I can belch the loudest.
Sometimes I have gas.
If I had the cho
ice
I’d never wear a dress.
Skirts severely hamper
a full-court press.
Why does growing up mean that I can’t have fun?
I will tell myself there’s got to be someone
whose happy endings match mine perfectly,
the kind of guy who wants a girl like me,
girl like me.
But until that day,
I will just pretend
that I could be
the perfect girlfriend,
though I know I’ll be at my wit’s end.
So I keep smiling,
and they’ll never know
I can sink a basket
every time I throw.
Where’s the guy who wants a girl like me?
Like me.
As she finishes, Prince Jack enters. Embarrassed, Felicity tries to cover up what she’s been doing.
FELICITY (CONT’D)
Oh, uh, I was just doing my needlepoint exercises. We ladies have to keep ourselves fit, you know.
She does some ninja moves that mimic sewing.
PRINCE JACK
Well, you’re very fit.
(stammers, blushing)
I mean, you’re the right size. Not too big. Not that I have a problem with a big girl. Which you’re not. But you’re not so small that you’d have to worry about getting lost in a crowd or sinking down a drain or. . .
(picks up her book)
Could you just smack me in the head and put me out of my misery?
FELICITY
That’s a trick question. Ladies never hit anything. Not even a mosquito.
PRINCE JACK
(looking at book)
What’s this?
FELICITY
Gee, I don’t know. A very flat, rectangular monkey?
PRINCE JACK
You’re the last person who’d need to read about behaving like a princess. . .
FELICITY
(grabbing it)
I’m really busy right now --
PRINCE JACK
I, um, came to ask you a question, Lady Felicity. . .
FELICITY
Yes?
PRINCE JACK
I, well, would you. . .that is, could you possibly. . .if you don’t mind. . .
FELICITY
SPIT. . .IT. . ..OUT. . .
(gasps)
Except ladies never spit.
(beat)
EXPECTORATE. . .IT. . .OUT. . .!
PRINCE JACK
I was wondering. . .uh. . .if. . .you. . .
(closes his eyes)
Aregoingtofinishyoursoda.
FELICITY
What?
PRINCE JACK
(grimacing)
I just asked if you. . .were going to finish your soda.
PRINCE JACK (CONT’D)
I. . .guess I’ll see you around.
He walks off with her Coke.
FELICITY
Thank goodness he’s gone!
Out of the cottage comes CINDERELLA.
CINDERELLA
You can say that again, sister.
FELICITY
Don’t I know you from somewhere?
CINDERELLA
Yeah. I get that a lot. But the first time you crack a glass slipper on the cobblestones you’re sweeping, you start wearing Uggs instead.
FELICITY
You’re Cinderella?
CINDERELLA
The one and only, sweetheart.
FELICITY
Oh! I thought you lived in a castle.
(sympathetic)
Did Prince Charming work on Wall Street?
CINDERELLA
I WISH. I’d be happy if he worked AT ALL. Everyone knows my story, right? I got the prince in the end. And you know what else I got? A big spoiled brat who sits in his
(MORE)
CINDERELLA (CONT’D)
Barcalounger all day long, watching unicorn races on ESPN. It’s not so charming when he yells, “HEY, CINDY! CAN YOU BRING ME ANOTHER RED BULL?”
(beat)
I thought I escaped from being my stepmother’s maid, and I end up with a guy who makes an even bigger mess.
(beat)
Oh. You’ve got a little schmutz on your nose. Here, let me. . .
She polishes Felicity’s face as SNOW WHITE enters. She has four babies in a Snugli and is holding the hands of two children, GRUMPY and SNEEZY. She is hugely pregnant.
GRUMPY
Mama, she started it. She took my pet frog out of its cage. . .
SNEEZY
I. . .Ah-CHOO! Did not!
SNOW WHITE
Sneezy, don’t tell me you’re coming down with another cold?
(beat)
Cinderella, did you try to give Grumpy’s pet frog a bath again?
CINDERELLA
I have no recollection of that. . .
SNEEZY
I saw her! And she put little Bashful through the dishwasher!
Snow White gasps and clutches one of the babies tighter.
CINDERELLA
Well, honestly! She gets so dirty, crawling around on the floor. . .
SNOW WHITE
Hard to believe, given that Mrs. OCD here mops it seven times a day. . .Ooooh, kids, I think it’s time for Dora!
Grumpy and Sneezy exit. She thrusts the babies at Felicity.
SNOW WHITE (CONT’D)
Here, can you hold the rugrats for a second? My back is killing me.
FELICITY
Snow White? But you’re supposed to be living happily ever after with Prince Charming too. . .
(gasps)
Wait! He’s a polygamist!?
CINDERELLA
No, they’re brothers. But someone SHOULD have made that more clear.
SNOW WHITE
(taking back her babies)
Charming? Oh, he’s charming all right. He’s got the dreamiest blue eyes and the cutest set of dimples, and where did that get me? Six trips to the [name of hospital] birthing pavilion, and another one due any minute. Just when I thought a guy had rescued me from having seven little people underfoot all the time. . .it turns out that I’m the runner-up for the Octomom. I’ve jumped right from the frying pan into the fire.
SLEEPING BEAUTY runs out of the cottage, frantic.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Fire? Did someone yell fire?
CINDERELLA
False alarm, Sleeping Beauty.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Oh, great. I was finally getting a little rest. Look at me! I’m a wreck. I’ve got bags under my eyes and my hands are shaking. . .
FELICITY
What happened?
SLEEPING BEAUTY
My husband, that’s what. Everyone knows my story, but. . .
She nods off, snoring lightly.
CINDERELLA
Narcolepsy.
Snow White pokes Sleeping Beauty, who wakes with a start.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
McDreamy, honestly, you don’t want Meredith. . .OH! I must have nodded off. Well, as I was saying -- the important details are always missing. Like the fact that I can’t take a spinning class at the gym without hyperventilating. Or that the prince who woke me up in the fairy tale snores. Do you know how long it’s been since I got a good night’s sleep?