Stop and chat with a friend,
or watch the world pass by from a café.
See the beautiful scenery.
Smell the fresh air and take a deep breath.
Best town ever to live in
’cept for the threat of sudden death!
CHORUS:
Guess it’s true that life can change in the blink of an eye.
I love living here, but don’t wanna die!
NEWSBOY (CONT’D)
Get your copy of the Hanoveria [Insert name of local paper, i.e. Times, Globe, Courant] here! Pied Piper’s house seized by the Department of Health!
LUNA:
Could it really be true?
Could I finally be down here at last?
What if somebody sees me?
Better disguise myself very fast.
Here’s a basket of laundry.
I’ll take some clothes and they’ll never know.
How to act like a human;
maybe I start out with “hello”?
(She dresses herself up as a boy)
ALL:
Guess it’s true that life can change in the blink of an eye.
We love living here. Can’t you see why?
BAKER
(to fishmonger)
Have you got a little smelt left?
FISHMONGER
I saved you some!
LUNA
(to baker)
I think she likes you!
(They look at her like she’s crazy)
FLOWER LADY
(to butcher)
Any ribs today?
BUTCHER
I’m afraid not -- the giant let the cattle out of the pen and slaughtered them all!
FLOWER LADY
Better them than us! Well, maybe tomorrow.
ALL:
If you move here, you’ll love it,
for there is just one tiny letdown.
There’s a bloodthirsty giant
who’s settled on the outskirts of town.
He might slaughter your chickens,
knock down your cottage, kidnap a waif.
Lucky we’ve got a queen who’ll
do what it takes to keep us safe!
NEWSBOY
Hey Diddle Diddle! Dish indicted for kidnapping spoon! Read all about it!
(beat)
It’s her Majesty!!!
(FEROCIA enters trailed by GERTRUDE and EUNICE)
FEROCIA:
To all of Hanoveria,
I know you live in fear-ia,
but let me make it clear-ia.
I feel your pain.
And on this very solemn day,
let each of us make sure to say
the former king, my brother,
did not die in vain.
For when the giant came for him
and tore him up from limb to limb,
he saw the future looking grim
and intervened.
He called me on the verge of death
and told me with his dying breath
I must survive him nonetheless.
ALL:
Long live the queen.
Guess it’s true that life can change in the blink of an eye.
We love living here. Can’t you see why?
NEWSBOY (CONT’D)
Extra! Extra! Gay marriage law passes! Butcher, baker, and candlestick maker give it a thumbs-up!
ALL:
U.S. News did its ranking.
We nabbed the highest spot of them all.
Just one small bit of trouble,
and it is standing ten feet tall.
So we keep up pretenses,
and we remember always to smile.
If the giant returns, well,
hope that it won’t be for a while!
Guess it’s true that life can change in the blink of an eye.
We love living here. Can’t you see why?
Can’t you see why?
At close of song, cast mills about.
GERTRUDE
Mama, isn’t it true that WE have nothing to worry about?
EUNICE
Royalty like us gives giants indigestion.
GERTRUDE
Our crowns get stuck in their teeth.
EUNICE
Well, I heard the giant hates everyone, and everything about Hanoveria.
FEROCIA
No, darling. That’s [Insert name of local rabble-rouser in news].
They exit. Luna is in Ferocia’s path. Ferocia clears her throat, and Luna backs away.
FELICITY hurries across the stage, PRINCE JACK in pursuit.
FELICITY
Wow!
(feigning interest)
A chicken can’t swallow upside down? That is absolutely fascinating, Jack!
PRINCE JACK
You. . .uh. . .y-you really think so?
FELICITY
No! All I think about is YOU leaving ME alone!
She walks off. Jack follows, bumping Luna, who’s lovestruck.
LUNA
I. . .I’m sorry!
PRINCE JACK
Boys will be boys, right?
LUNA
Oh! But I’m not. . .
Jack’s cousins hurry forward, arguing.
EUNICE
Gosh, Jack, could you be any slower?
GERTRUDE
He probably was talking to some girl.
EUNICE
(imitating Jack)
Um, uh. . .d-do you know that a cow’s sweat glands are in its nose?
GERTRUDE
Nice pickup lines, Jack.
EUNICE
The only girl you’re gonna impress is Alex Trebek.
They exit.
PRINCE JACK
(to Luna)
Be careful out there.
He smiles and exits.
LUNA
Jack.
(to the fishmonger)
Do you know that man?
FISHMONGER
Everyone knows him, boy. That’s the crown prince.
SONG 3: WONDERFUL MORNING (Reprise)
ALL:
It’s a wonderful morning.
It’s gonna be a wonderful day.
Stop and chat with a friend,
or watch the world pass by from a café.
THE SONG IS INTERRUPTED as HUGO, the giant, enters. Everyone screams and scatters offstage. Hugo, left alone, picks up a baguette and leaves. Everyone comes out of hiding, slowly picking up the verse again.
See the beautiful scenery.
Smell the fresh air and take a deep breath.
Best town ever to live in
’cept for the threat of sudden death!
Guess it’s true that life can change in the blink of an eye.
We love living here. Can’t you see why?
Can’t you see why?
SCENE 5: The bear cave
Hairy Godmother appears on the side of the stage.
HAIRY GODMOTHER
The giant had been terrorizing the citizens of Hanoveria for 15 years -- ever since Ferocia took over the kingdom. Coincidence? I think not.
But then again, in a fairy tale, nothing’s ever what it seems to be.
(MORE)
HAIRY GODMOTHER (CONT’D)
Take a look for yourself.
Oh, for Pete’s sake. I need some
double A batteries, people!
As he walks off, the scene opens. JEAN-CLAUDE, a servant, sits with MAMA BEAR, PAPA BEAR, and BABY BEAR watching TV. We “see” their program on the side of the stage, complete with a mini rap performance by LI’L RED FROM THE HOOD.
JOHNNY NOVA
Welcome back to Hanoveria Idol! You just heard Li’l Red From The Hood, rapping “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.” Remember, if you want Li’l Red to stay in the competition, you have to vote!
MAMA BEAR
I think her voice was too high.
PAPA BEAR
Are you kidding me? It was too low.
BABY BEAR
I think it was JUUUUUUST right!
JEAN-CLAUDE
(pacing)
Hugo’s been gone so long. . .
MAMA BEAR
Jean-Claude, you’re too anxious.
PAPA BEAR
Well, I think he’s too laid-back.
BABY BEAR
I think he’s JUUUUUUUST right!
JEAN-CLAUDE
Not a day goes by that I don’t give thanks for your generosity, mes amis. You took us in when we were outcasts. And yet, a part of me wishes that. . .
There is a commotion as the giant enters, holding a baguette. He is clearly rattled.
JEAN-CLAUDE (CONT’D)
Master Hugo! You’re finally back!
HUGO
Jean-Claude, it was brutal out there. They treat me like. . .like I work for FairPoint [or name of local telephone or cable company]!
(beat)
It was all I could do to snatch a loaf of bread.
MAMA BEAR
I hope it’s sourdough.
PAPA BEAR
I hope it’s rye.
BABY BEAR
I hope it’s gluten free!
JEAN-CLAUDE
I hate to say I told you so, Master Hugo. . .but I. . .
HUGO
DON’T SAY IT!
JEAN-CLAUDE
I told --
HUGO
Zip it!
JEAN-CLAUDE
I --
Hugo growls menacingly, and Jean-Claude backs off.
JEAN-CLAUDE (CONT’D)
(in a high, rushed voice)
I told you so!
HUGO
Look at me! I’m a giant. A freak.
JEAN-CLAUDE
That’s not true. If it weren’t for Ferocia’s spell you’d still be --
HUGO
DO NOT MENTION THAT EVIL WITCH!
MAMA BEAR
SOMEONE woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.
HUGO
Someone doesn’t even FIT on the bed.
MAMA BEAR
It is a bit small.
PAPA BEAR
You think? Feels pretty roomy to me.
BABY BEAR
Well, I think it’s. . .
(beat)
. . .Just a matter of finding the right sleep number. Personally, I’m a 45. Firm, with just a hint of softness at the top of the mattress.
HUGO
Shouldn’t you be hibernating?
MAMA BEAR
I knew it wasn’t a good idea to rent out the back room, especially after the last boarder broke the furniture.
PAPA BEAR
Do I need to remind you that we got soaked last year in the stock market? I told you we should have been more bearish, honey.
BABY BEAR
Honey? Where?
They all run offstage.
HUGO
I don’t know why I keep trying. I should just go. . .find a foreclosed beanstalk somewhere.
JEAN-CLAUDE
HUGO
Jean-Claude. Come on. You were born in CLEVELAND.
(beat)
And where am I supposed to find true love, looking like this?
SONG 4: SUPERSIZED
JEAN-CLAUDE:
Surely you’ve heard the story of Goliath,
knocked to his knees by a shorty with a stone.
You know what they say about a guy who’s small of stature.
Maybe his ego is what’s overgrown.
Who else can put the lightbulb in a streetlamp?
Who sets the star on a Christmas tree with ease?
If your head’s up in the clouds,
who cares about the angry crowds?
Nothing they say can bring you to your knees.
If the words of some Neanderthal
make it harder to keep walking tall,
just kneel down and look ’em in the eyes.
Say you’re supersized!
HUGO:
Don’t know what joker said size doesn’t matter,
but I can bet he wasn’t eight foot ten.
Every night I lie in bed, my feet hang off the mattress.
Oh, what I’d give to make them fit again.
JEAN-CLAUDE:
Buddy, you’ll show ’em bigger can be better.
If they don’t listen, stomp on them like ants!
HUGO:
Not sure that’s the way to win back friends and loyal subjects.
JEAN-CLAUDE:
Don’t settle for the same old song and dance.
DANCE BREAK
BOTH:
It doesn’t matter if you’re tall or if you’re tiny.
Make sure your spirits are always on the rise.
So dry your eyes.
Long as you tell yourself you’re supersized!
HUGO: Woo yeah!
SCENE 6: Ferocia’s castle
DURING SCENE CHANGE:
NEWSBOY
This just in: Tortoise beats Hare to win [Insert name of local road or bike race]!
Ferocia stalks inside and looks around.
FEROCIA
Hello! Can I get some attention here!!
PINOCCHIO hurries in.
PINOCCHIO
Sorry, your majesty. I was. . .um. . .writing a sonnet about your random acts of kindness.
His nose grows. Ferocia crosses her arms, not amused.
FEROCIA
Pinocchio. Who was fired from his last job?
PINOCCHIO
Me, your majesty.
FEROCIA
For what?
PINOCCHIO
Lying on my résumé, your majesty.
FEROCIA
And who rescued you from becoming parquet flooring?
PINOCCHIO
You, your majesty.
FEROCIA
THAT’S RIGHT! You’re one fib away from being a box of toothpicks.
(beat)
Do I look like I’m getting sick, Pinocchio?
PINOCCHIO
You’re the picture of health.
His nose grows and he covers it with a kerchief.
FEROCIA
Must we start random drug testing again?
PINOCCHIO
No, ma’am. I kicked the fertilizer habit for good.
FEROCIA
Never mind. It’s just that with everyone talking today about my brother, the former king, I started to feel a little. . .unloved.
PINOCCHIO
Well, you DID cast the spell that turned him into a giant.
FEROCIA