email, 422, 425 links in, 282–83
energy drinks, 295–96, 399
engaged, being, 177
Eyewitness News, 62
Facebook, 284
faces, talking, 421–22
family desk photos of, 70
stick figure depictions of, 341
vacation for, 378
fathers clothing style of, 381
domestic instincts of, 342, 343
Father’s Day and, 381
as helium balloons, 381–82
and idea of dad, 344
sofa moving techniques of, 41–42
thermostats and, 24–25
see also parent, being; parents
faucets, Alcatraz, 221–22
favors, size of, 243
fears, number one and number two, 98
filth, living in, 430
Finger, The, 400–401
fire, hotel, 95–96
first aid, 209
5-Hour Energy Drink, 295–96
Flex Seal, 446–49
Florida old people in, 144–45, 148, 150
state flag of, 145
flowers, 246
foam balls, 130–31
food in all-you-can-eat buffet, 387–89
baseball game hot dogs, 351–52
brain and, 384
cereal, see cereal
difference between sex and, 384
Donut Holes, 395, 396
ice cream, 47, 108, 352, 370, 389
nutritional quality of, 68
Pop-Tarts, 385–87
raisins, see raisins
relationship issues largely absent from, 384
Swanson “Hungry-Man” TV dinners, 390–391
football, professional, 66–67, 277
friends, friendship after dating, 180
always, 246
inviting to wedding, 262–63
real, 417
repeat stories and, 286–87
single, 269
why are they so annoying, 357–58, 359
Frigidaire building, 28
funerals, 98, 312
fun for the whole family, 108
future clothes in the, 216–17
not here yet, 289–90
traffic in the, 215
gambling in Vegas, 311–12
games, in marriage, 271–72, 367–68
gangs, mom, 429
garage, 196, 333–34
garbage, 272, 332–35 garage and, 333–34
in movie theater, 322–23
gay French king, 419
gay stereotype, 246
ghosty dots, 424
gifts, bad paperweights, 181
silver balls that hang from strings, 381
Glad sandwich bags, 313–14
glasses, 106 as disguise, 22
and not being able to tell what parents look like, 25
glue horses as source of, 225, 226
on Golden Globe award, 328
on stamps, 108, 124
Golden Globe, 328
golf, 64 as ultimate avoidance activity, 343
as whispery sport, 430
cart, 144
club, 51
Good Humor man, 370
Google, 414, 416
got to go, 406–7
grandfather, nobody asks you to see their, 247
Grape-Nuts, 45
grapes, 392
great and sucks, 349–52
greeting cards, 72
Guard Gate Speech Filtration System, 366
gutter ball, 373–74
gym class, 32–34
gyms, health clubs, 32, 189, 302–3
Haggar Slacks, 299–300, 301
hair transplant, 231
Hallmark greeting cards, 72
Halloween candy, 101–2, 105
Halloween costumes, 101–4, 261 Superman, 102–4
hamburgers, 17, 55 number sold, 113
handicaps, advantages of, 277
happiness in marriage, 268, 361–62
hats animals wearing, 61, 228
as beer holder, 313–14
Cub Scouts, 30–31
for cold weather, 34
for toilet paper, 43
on Florida state flag, 145
Hawaii license plate, 96
“HBO Comedian Award” acceptance speech, 326–28
head losing heat through, 34
severed, 245
wife as extra, 272
head cheese, 68, 298
head, Phillips, 195
head of the household, 78
health problems, pre-existing, 443–44
heat kids in bed and, 344
losing through head, 34
old men’s love of, 149–50
helium balloon, Dad as, 381–82
Hoffritz knife store, 214
holding things, 323–24
Hope, Bob, 10
horsepower, 228
horses asses of, 229
as glue source, 225
Pony Ride and, 229–230
racing of, 223–24, 355
red metal, 37–38
riding on, 226–27, 228, 229–30
in stalls, 325
in trailers, 229
hospitals, 438–39
hot dogs, 351–52
hotels, 94–95 family vacation in, 378
fire in, 95–96
room service trays in, 171
television sets in, 95
human being business, 438–39
humiliation in entertainment, 110–11
in Olympics, 162
hunger, 240–41
hydration, 398
ice cream, 352, 370
icy sidewalk rodeo, 164–65
I.D. card, 28
iguana, becoming, 11
important calls, 279
Improv, 4
I’m Telling You for the Last Time, 255
inanimate objects, 319
infomercials, 437 for Flex Seal, 448–52
ingredients in drugs, 232, 234
may contain, 238
IN the city, but ON the island, 410
involuntary luge, 163–64
iPhone why it’s called, 420
see also phone
itching, burning and redness, 315
it is what it is, 413–14
jacket leather, 98
pants matching, 26
for Superman, 103–4
jawbreakers, 29
Jet Ski, 136, 380
job(s), 330, 405 Chalk Outline Guy, 144
in childhood, 34–35
men’s, 194, 210
and Night Guy/Morning Guy, 248–49
office, 212–13
unemployment and, 61–62
job interview, dating as, 72
joke(s) enough, 48–49
rate per, 10
Joyner, Mario, 253–54
jumpy castle, 338
June Guy, 248, 249
kamikaze pilots, 442–43
kangaroos, 18
Kaufman, Andy, 4
Kellogg’s, 48, 386
Kelton, Bobby, 4
kids bowling and, 373–74
circus and, 339
either sticky or crusty, 347
getting to sleep, 371–72
in bed, 344
in 1960s, 368–69, 370–71
one big difference between adults and, 25–26
other people’s, in your home, 347–48
parents not wanted by, 382–83
turned into thank you monkeys, 345
kids, having, 79–80, 184 childbirth in, 336, 438
“conceived,” use of term, 336
daughter leaving home for college, 254–55
pet monkey level very close to, 184
someday, 78
see also parent, being
kids’ birthday parties clown at, 337–38
jumpy castle at, 338
piñata at, 372–73
pinning the tail on the donkey at, 372–73
kitc
hen, 169–70 sponge in, 444–45
Kleenex, 94
knives Hoffritz, 214
Swiss Army, 32
that can cut through a shoe, 437
Kotex lady, 150–51
Krazy Glue, 225
Kukla, Fran and Ollie, 336
Last Laugh, The (Berger), 4, 6
Las Vegas gambling in, 311–12
sex club, 309
laundry, 219 bloodstains as problem in, 239
in gentle cycle, 176–77
nightclub for, 173–74
socks escaping from, 50
sports as rooting for, 159
Tide for, 239
see also dry cleaning
laundry bag with live goat inside, 344
lava lamp, watching postal employees like watching, 124
leather, 98
left, negative associations of, 13
left turns eventual, 145
okay, 59–60
Lenny, 4–5
Lewis, Richard, 4
Liberace, 321–22
life length of, 408
suckness of, 349
Life cereal, 19
lifestyles baby, 180–81
cookie, 300–301
crook, 142
dog, 365
parakeet, 43–44
lip liner, 278
listening, 268, 272, 304, 407 blindness and, 278
living situation, i.e., the place where you live, 404–5
lobster, 181
lobster tank, 55–6
locations, changing, 406
Long Island, 3, 144, 410
look-fat game, 367–68
Los Angeles, 109
luge, 163–64
luncheon meat, 68
mad cow disease, 231
magazines, 107, 116 Bride, 258, 260
Time, 107
magicians, 110–11, 180
Magnum, PI, 133
maids, 120, 219
makeup lip liner, 278
mirror for, 14
mall garage of, 216
Hoffritz knife store in, 214
Los Angeles as, 109
not Apollo 13, 168
piano store in, 56
man and animal, real difference between, 18
marathoners, 208
Marder, Barry, 10
marriage, 258 bachelor party and bridal shower before, 181
chess analogy in, 268–69
commitment/rejection in, 267
desk pictures as reminder of, 70
divorce, 265–66
do-it-yourself kits for, 368
dual zone climate control and, 376–77
engagement and, 177
games in, 271–72, 367–68
Guard Gate Speech Filtration System in, 366
happiness in, 361–62
and image of husband picking up wife after work and not bringing the car to a full stop, 374–75
“live with” relationships and, 266
sickness in, 78
simultaneous house exit achieved in, 360–61
single life as viewed from vantage point of, 269–70
tone of voice in, 273–76
transportation analogy in, 241
weddings, 257–65
why men love it more than women, 362
wife as extra head in, 272–73
mattress on roof of car, 196–97
may contain, 238
McDonald’s, 113
medical school, 233–34
men cash preferred by, 193
commitment a problem for, 178
as dogs, 363–64, 365
jobs of, 210
in Men’s Room, 75–76
minds of, 197–200
physical world of, 194–95, 196
sperm as role models for, 183
superhero thinking of, 196–97
television watching habits of, vs. women’s, 134
things put into two categories by, 362
women’s adjusting of proximity of, 244
women’s drawing of attention of, 243
see also relationships
Mexico, 110
Michnik, Jesse, 6
milk almond, 297
do you need it, 118
drinking past the expiration date, 119–20
Monitor for, would pay to have, 120
rice, 297
as serving suggestion, 46
Milk Duds, 73
millionaire, idea of being, 66–67
Mini Mart, 397
minivan, 341
mirrored office buildings, 310
mirrors, 14, 20
Misiano, Chris, 3, 253
Misiano, Vince, 3, 253
mob boss, 346
money, 211–12 cash, 193
checks, 191–94
losing, 311
parents as bank, 25
prices at airport, 90–91
monkey bars, terrorist, 316–17
monkeys astronaut, 100
being alone with, 185
pet, 184–85
plastic, 44
thank you, 345
moon landing, reason for, 200
moose air lift, 129–30
Morning Guy/Night Guy, 248–49
mothers lack of appreciation for, 382
mom gangs, 426
see also parents
motorcycle helmets, slightly Nazi, 317–18
movies, 352 Lenny, 4–5
Nazi, 213
plots of, 137–38
Porky’s, 67
Rocky, 67
seeing only one a year, 138
Stand by Me, 131
movie theaters, 73 age gap in hiring policies at, 139
armrest battles in, 139
candy in, 73, 393
garbage in, 322–23
TV commercials in, 140
mozzarella relationships, 179
murder Chalk Outline Guy and, 144
execution style, 127
of comedian, odds of, 171
possible defense for, 127
styles of, 127
murderer in the house, 266
museum security guards, 209
music, playing for plants, 69
naked, 189
Nazis and motorcycle helmet choice, 317–18
two types of “Heil” used by, 213
neat, thin, and single, 246
New Jersey, 410
New Mexico, 110
news, 306–7 breaking story on, 308
crisis on, 305–6
earpieces worn by everyone on, 305
Eyewitness News, 62
foam balls on microphones in, 130–31
moose air lift on, 129–30
no, 306–7
old, 307
in the strip on the bottom, 304–5
watching, importance of, 63
weather girls on, 309
newspapers Daily Planet, The, 21
everything fits on, 126
New York Times, 62
sports section of, 310
New York City awnings in, 434
cabs in, 6, 156–57
faux courtesy jog in, 434
street-cleaning machines in, 433
New York Times, 62
Nietzsche, Friedrich, 47
night cookies and, 300
watching TV late at, 248, 448–49, 451
nightclub(s) Catch a Rising Star, 6
Comedy Cellar, 329
for clothes, 173
Night Guy/Morning Guy, 248–49
non-statements, 289–91
No Payments ’til June, 248, 249
Northeast Guy, 96–97
nose hair, 314
nose job, 230
notary public, 54–55
not-die, sports in which main activity is to scuba diving, 39
skydiving, 37, 38
zip lining, 379
nothing, doing, 257
office space, 212–13
older, getting, 151–52 bei
ng in one’s 60s, 435–36
looking forward to, 23, 435
and turning around, 436
old people driving and, 145–46, 148–49
eating and, 263–64
in Florida, 144–45, 148, 150
men, and heat, 149–50
on cruise ships, 408
phones for, 429
Olympics biathlon in, 162
luge in, 163–64
platform diving in, 163
platforms of humiliation in, 162
silver medal in, 160–61
One-Hour Martinizing, 175
OnStar, 320–21
ON the island, but IN the city, 410
opposite clothes, 321
orange juice, 67, 296–97, 385
Oscar Mayer, 68
out, going, 358–59, 400–401, 405, 406 getting ready for, 360–61
and getting the hell out of where you went to, 403–4
prison as absence of, 403
simultaneous house exit in, 360
and then getting back, 400–401, 405, 407
oxytocin, 8
pain relievers, 234–35
painting the apartment, 169
pajamas, 26, 103
pants asses hanging out of, 80
doctors and, 236–37
Haggar, 299–300, 301
jacket matching, 26
size of, 80, 299–300