I love hanging out with the super-professionals that keep my machine going: Kevin Dochtermann, Rob Prinz, Christian Carino, Tom Keaney, Amy Jacobs, Tammy Johnston, and Yossi Kimberg.
As Georgie always reminds me, “Remember, it’s not Show Fun. It’s Show Business.”
At Simon & Schuster: copy chief Jonathan Evans, designer Paul Dippolito, production director Lisa Erwin, managing editor Kimberly Goldstein, production editor John Paul Jones, assistants Gabby Robles and Maria Mendez, contracts administrator Jeff Wilson, executive editor Sean Manning, art director Jackie Seow, publicity director Julia Prosser, rights director Marie Florio, deputy publisher Richard Rhorer, and my editor and publisher, Jonathan Karp.
I also want to acknowledge Ted Sarandos who, more than anyone else, really changed how the world appreciates stand-up comedy as something maybe a bit more than a way to kill twenty minutes until the music act comes on.
A special thanks to my wonderful sister, Carolyn, who has steadied me so reliably through several hundred varying size crises.
Most important of all is my Wonder of Nature wife, Jessica, who refilled me with life and love at a time when I really was down to empty.
And my kids, Sascha, Julian, and Shepherd, for always looking at me like, “There’s something off with this guy…”
I have millions of comedy friends and I really do love them all. Especially the way they shake their heads all the time like, “How the hell do you even do this?” And of course, we never really do figure it out. The real point of our lives is that we try anyway.
More in Entertainment & Arts Biography
Wishful Drinking
Howard Stern Comes Again
As You Wish
Turning the Tables
Born Standing Up
Presto!
About the Author
Jerry Seinfeld is a stand-up comedian.
He lives in New York City with his family.
SimonandSchuster.com
www.SimonandSchuster.com/Authors/Jerry-Seinfeld
@simonbooks
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Index
A note about the index: The pages referenced in this index refer to the page numbers in the print edition. Clicking on a page number will take you to the ebook location that corresponds to the beginning of that page in the print edition. For a comprehensive list of locations of any word or phrase, use your reading system’s search function.
adrenaline, 8
adultery, 179
adulthood as ability to remain standing when bored, 36
desire for, 27
pockets in, 25
power of, 24
air, inside and outside, 109–10
Air and Space Museum, 99
airplanes, 405–6 bathrooms on, 89–90
crashes of, 93–94
keys to, 86–87
skydiving from, 36–37, 38
airport, 405 anxiety on way to, 222
cart people in, 89
customs in, 93
faucets in bathrooms in, 221
tuna sandwiches in, 90–91
X-ray security counters in, 91–92
air travel, 405, 416 first class, 88
friendly pilot chit chat during, 85–86
lack of alternatives to planes in, 222
stewardess Emergency Equipment Show in, 87–88
aisle, someone coming down your, 401
Alcatraz faucets, 221–22
alcoholic coffee drinks, 294
alligator in bathtub, 255
all-you-can-eat buffet, 387–89
Almighty God, 19
almond milk, 297
alpine snipers, 162
Amazon, 324
ancient cultures, 109
animals don’t care about crime, 441–42
don’t do favors, 243
real difference between man and, 18
annoying friends, 357–58, 359
apartment airplane bathroom as like, 89
painting of, 169
refrigerator box as like, 28
appetites, supply of, 27
aquatic sadness, 380
Are You Even Listening to Me?, 272
Armstrong, Neil, toothbrush of, 99
artificial sweeteners, 285–86
asses, 303–4 blowing smoke up, 287–88
brilliance of, 304
horses’, 229
items coming out of, 288
kissing, 288
mentioning in conversation, 288–89
what they are, 303
astronauts monkey, 100
Neil Armstrong, toothbrush of, 99
attractiveness choices, 335
avoidance golf as ultimate activity for, 343
as male domestic instinct, 342, 343
awards, they’re all stupid, 326–28
awnings in New York City, 434
babies birth of, 336, 439
life of, 180–81
more, 439–40
products for, 337
visiting, 248
bachelor party, 181
Bacino, Joe, 6
banks holding up, 179
liquification caused by, 36
parents’ resemblance to, 25
baseball game hot dogs, 351–52
bathing suits trunks, 147–48
women competing in, 244
bathrooms being alone in, 220–21
hotel, 94–95
most frightening moment in the life of a human being in, 220–21
see also shower
bathrooms, public, 324–25 airplane, 89–90
airport, faucets in, 221–22
Men’s Room, 75–76
Port-A-Potty, 446
stalls in, 325
Batman, 141, 196, 383
Battle Creek, Michigan, 386
beauty contest, 244
beauty parlor, Vivian back at, 53
Bed, Bath and Beyond, 439
bed, making, 170
bedtime stories, 372
beer, cold, 296
Benny, Jack, 10
Berger, Phil, The Last Laugh, 4, 6
Best Man, 257
biathlon, 162
birds tweeting by, 285, 442
see also parakeets
BlackBerry, 281–82
blindness, 277–78
blowing smoke up your ass, 287–88
Bluestone, Ed, 4
body losing heat from, 34
maintenance of, 74
tube and circle in, 233, 237
bomb shelters, 342
“book,” in Facebook, 284
Boosler, Elayne, 4
boredom and ability to remain standing, 35, 36
in females, dangers of, 367–68
TV sleep and, 135
bowling, 373–74
braces, 106
brain all-you-can-eat buffet and, 387
attractiveness choices and, 335
drugstore of, 8
food and sex as occupying most of, 384
offensive, 330–31
of women, 271
break, 308
breakfast Pop-Tarts for, 385–87
weird, 118
see also cereal
Brenner, David, 4
bridal shower, 181
bride, 258–60
Bride magazine, 258, 260
broccoli trucks, 122
Bruce, Lenny, 4–5
buffet, all-you-can-eat, 387–89
bugs going, 106–7
bullet catch, 111–12
bumper ca
rs, 13–14
Busy Box, 180–81
Button, The, 128
cab drivers of, 156–57
getting in, 411
call waiting, 165–66
camera phone, 427–28
camping, 31
candy getting, 100–101
Halloween, 101–2, 104–5
jawbreakers, 29
in movie theaters, 73
cannibalism, 240–41
Carino, Christian, 9
car horn, honking, 319, 377 at women, 198–99
cars and driving, 416 bumper cars, 13–14
cab drivers, 156–57
car alarms, 155
car doesn’t start, 319
car theft, 141
car CD player theft, 56, 141
complete dead stop in traffic, 214–15
directions voice in, 319
dogs and, 17
dual zone climate control in, 376–77
Fingers and, 402
giant On/Off switch for, 79
Hawaii license plate on, 96
horsepower and, 229
ignition key in, 155, 319
leaving car out of frustration with traffic, 154
love of, 152
mattress on roof, 196–97
old people and, 145–46, 148–49
OnStar and, 320–21
on the moon, 200
paradox of, 152
parking garages, 216
parking lot discrimination, 80
pedestrian faux courtesy jog and, 434
relationships compared to, 241
sneezing while driving, 153
sports cars, 203
steering wheel in, 152, 214
Traffic Lane Experts, 153
TV in car, prevention of theft, 57
Carson, Johnny, 83
Costanza, Mike, 6
Cataract Windshield, 148–49
Catch a Rising Star, 4, 6
cats, 30, 44, 119
cemeteries, 440–41
cereal bowl and spoon for, 170
Cookie Crisp, 47
Cream of Wheat, 386
Grape-Nuts, 45
Life, 19
proof of purchase of, 48
Raisin Bran, 298–99
recipes using, 45
serving suggestions for, 46
Shredded Wheat, 386
TOY INSIDE, 44
“Void where prohibited” warning on, 47–48
chair, 303–4
Chalk Outline Guy, 144
cheating on someone you’re cheating with, 179
checks, 191–94 bad, 193–94
chess, marriage, 268–69
childbirth, 336, 438–439
children, see kids; kids, having
Chock Full o’Nuts, 238
chopsticks, 240
cigarettes and moving furniture, 41
warning labels on, 176
winning arguments with, 52–53
circus elephants in, 60–61
no one enjoys, 339
cities, 410
closet, 173, 333 for socks, 50
clothes, 173–74 for cold weather, 34
fathers’ style in, 381
in the future, 216–17
hatred of, 216–18
opposite, 321
shopping for, 190
see also dry cleaning; laundry
clowns, 337–38, 339
CNN, 129, 395
cockroaches, 16
coffee, 120–21, 291–93 artificial sweetener preferences and, 285–86
Chock Full o’Nuts, 238
drinks, alcoholic, 294
Dual Zone, 376–77
machines for making, 122
possible connection between sleep aids and, 400
time span for drinking, 293
trucks for, 121
cold beer, 296
cold medications, 232–33
collectibles, 334
college, daughter leaving home for, 254–55
cologne set, 76–77
comedians, 3–12, 253–54 audience decides if something is funny, 329
awards for, 326–28
families of, 49
odds of someone trying to murder, 171
comedy dumb and smart intertwined in, 254–55
stand-up, 3–12, 208, 253–54, 255–56, 355–56
Comedy Cellar, 329
Comedy Store, 10
comets, did they kill the dinosaurs, 107–8
commitment, 178 adultery and, 179
rejection aspect of, 267
compliments, 287
“conceived,” use of term, 336
connecting with people, 284
construction sites keeping men out of, 195
women walking by, 243
conversations, 407 cigarettes in, 52–53
faces in, 421–22
listening in, 407
mentioning ass in, 287–89
non-statements in, 289–91, 413–14
office, 212–13
cookies, 24, 27, 118, 300–301 Cookie Crisp cereal, 47
military lifestyle of, 301
cooking at home, 169–70
on television, 63
cops, see police
coronavirus, 355, 431, 441 kamikaze, 442–43
cotton balls, 14–16
cows leather of, 98
mad cow disease and, 231
McDonald’s and, 113
milk expiration and, 119
Cream of Wheat, 386
cremation, 312–13
crime, animals and, 441–42
criminals, crooks in art museums, 209
on Batman, 141
burglars, a house they wouldn’t want to break into, 112
foiled by visual security measures, 56–57
have the right to remain silent, 66
head protection for, 142
lifestyle of, 142
on postage stamps, 126
reputations of, 143
Wanted posters for, 125–26
crisis on the news, 305–6
cruises, 149
Cub Scouts, 30–31
cup holder, 323
Curious George, 346
curlers, 14
dads, see fathers
dancing, 264
Dangerfield, Rodney, 4
dating blindness and, 277
friendship after, 180
friends’ problems with, 269
as job interview, 72
phone control and sex control in, 201–3
saying goodbye on a date, 186
see also relationships
David, Larry, 7, 207–8
death, 438–39 cemeteries and, 440–41
cremation and, 312–13
dying doing something you hate, 446
dying doing something you love, 446
funerals and, 98, 312
and pillows for dead people, 69
public speaking worse than, 98
time-saving and, 67
see also not-die, sports in which main activity is to
deodorant soap, 74
desk family pictures, 70
diet, 171
dinosaurs, 107–8
directions voice, 319
Disneyland, 23–24
distance by time, 94
diving, platform, 163
divorce, 265–66
DNA, 335
doctors cotton balls and, 16
itching, burning, and redness pads needed by, 315
in medical school, 233–34
recommending, 114
waiting rooms of, 235–37
dogs, 43, 77, 272–73 in cars, 17
as employees, 35
leash for, 324
lifestyle of, 365
men as, 364, 365
picking up defecation of, 313–14
poker-playing, 363–64, 365
position in life accepted by, 185
taking to Petco, 388
&
nbsp; things that are amazing to, 17–18, 79–80
voting by, 23
why they dig holes, 18
doing nothing, 257
donkey pinning the tail on, 372–73
as political mascot, 60–61
Donut Holes, 395, 396
dopamine, 8
do you think my friend is pretty, 367
down, when you’re a parent, 103
drinks, offering, 397 wine, 267
driving, see cars and driving
drugs airport customs check for, 93
brain’s production of, 8
cold medications, 232–33
in drugstore, 232–35
medication warnings, 176
pain relievers, 234–35
prescription, 16, 115–16
recreational, lack of interest in, 43
sleep aids, 400
dry cleaning, 174–75, 218 dry clean only labels, 176
finding out what it feels like to be, 379
dual zone climate control, 376–77
earpiece, 305
earthquake, 127
eBay, 334
Ed Sullivan Show, The, 3
egg and sperm, as role models, 183
electrocution, 247
elephant circus, 60–61
as political mascot, 60–61