TERI
(enthusiastically)
We stopped off at Rite Aid!
LAPD OFFICER
Okay. But what about--
He turns the light to a ZIP-LOC BAG full of SHREDDED BROWN
LEAVES.
LAPD OFFICER (CONT’D)
...this reefer!
TERI
No. That’s raw tobacco. I roll my own
cigarettes because it’s cheaper. (beat)
I’m 18, of course...
Russ turns to Teri.
RUSS
I thought you’re trying to quit.
TERI
Not cold turkey, babe.
LAPD OFFICER
Fine. (beat) Just don’t get crazy and
vandalize the school, you punks.
SETH
Why would we vandalize our own school?
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. HALLWAY - PROM NIGHT
The ATTENDEES are lined up for the ticket-taker table. A
SECURITY GUARD is checking the ladies’ purses. He’s going
through Sheila’s PURSE.
SECURITY GUARD
Aha!
He pulls out a disposable EMERY BOARD.
SHELIA
That’s an emery board.
SECURITY GUARD
Anything can be a weapon. Look.
He takes her arm and begins to rub her bare skin with the
board. After a short while, he stops. The area he was
rubbing is now dry and flaky.
SECURITY GUARD (CONT’D)
You see that? Another minute of that and
you’ll be bleeding.
She takes it back, turning to leave.
SHEILA
Fine. I’ll put it back in the car,...
...(beat)
(to security guard)
...fascist.
CUT TO:
Seth, et al, standing farther back in the line. Seth sees
the security guard.
SETH
(to himself)
Uh-oh.
He turns his head.
SETH (CONT’D)
(to everyone behind him)
They’re checking for weapons. Quick--
everyone, loose your nunchuks!
There’s some SIGHS of disappointment. Several students
withdraw their NUNCHUKS, dispossing of them wherever they
can. One NUNCHUK STUDENT gets in a few practices twirls
first.
CUT TO:
GOTH GIRL is the lowly ticket tacker. She takes a STUDENT’s
TICKET. From their respective piles, she places a CONDOM
atop a MEAL TICKET...
GOTH GIRL
Come right up. Get your meal ticket and
your emergency contraceptive.
...and staples them together.
GOTH GIRL (CONT’D)
You’re gonna want to use them both.
She hands this to the student. He EXITS. Seth and Anna step
up. They hand her their TICKETS. She places two CONDOMS
atop two MEAL TICKETS and staples them together, going
through the center of the condoms. She hands these to them.
GOTH GIRL (CONT’D)
Next.
ANNA
Doesn’t stapling through the condom
defeat the entire point?
GOTH GIRL
Next.
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. GYMNASIUM - PROM NIGHT
DEPECHE MODE’S “ONE MORE TIME” is being spun by the student
DJ, CLARENCE, who’s dressed in white and is on a platform,
overlooking it all. All the other STUDENTS are dancing in
an tightly choreographed sequence. (Think the prom scene
from “She’s All That.”) Seth, et al ENTER and begin to take
it all in.
SETH
Everybody, “handjive”!
He begins to “handjive.” He’s all alone. Derek UNZIPS his
fly.
RACHELLE
(to Derek)
He said “jive,” not “job.”
DEREK
That’s what I thought; I was being
He raises his fly. After another 30 seconds:
ANNA
Seth, no one’s handjiving but the nerds
against the wall.
We quickly PAN OVER to the “stag wall,” where several NERDS
are handjiving by themselves. Saddest sight ever.
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. MEN’S RESTROOM - PROM NIGHT
Seth and Russ are washing their hands.
RUSS
So you and Anna are looking pretty cozy
tonight. Think you’re gonna get some
lovin’? And by “lovin’,” I, of course,
mean wet hot monkey sex.
SETH
Neh. I just didn’t have anyone else to
invite.
They turn the sinks off and walk to a HOT-AIR HAND DRYER.
Seth turns it on, and they alternate holding their hands
under it.
SETH (CONT’D)
It’s like we’re both going stag. Or
I’m going stag and Anna’s going the
female equivalent of stag. Maybe doe or
fawn. I’m not so sure about the
difference. They both sound kinda gay.
(beat) You stopped listening to me awhile
ago?
The hand dryer stops.
RUSS
Yeah. Thank goodness this was on.
He taps the hand dryer. Seth checks his hands.
SETH
Damn. These things never get your hands
totally dry.
Seth begins to shake his hands dry. The restroom door
swings open. Jubilant, Stoner Steve ENTERS.
STONER STEVE
Hey, guys! Look at what I got!
Everyone, including Stoner Jeff, turn their attention to
Stoner Steve.
REAR SHOT - STONER STEVE
SFX - ZIPPER UNZIPPING
Steve pulls something out of his crotch area. Seth stops
shaking his hands. There’s a collective gasp from everyone
in the restroom. Then a moment of silence.
STONER JEFF
It’s so large!
BACK TO SCENE
Stoner Steve pulled out a giant, long...BONG from his
CUMBERBUND.
STONER STEVE
(proudly)
I smuggled it through security.
SETH
How did you fit that in your cumberbund?
STONER JEFF
Man, that stuff just fucks up your mind.
Stoner Jeff produces a PIXIE-STICK from his pocket. He
quickly breaks it open, making a line in a MIRROR on the
sink, then bends over and snorts the PINK DUST with the
straw portion. Pink bubbly froth comes out of his mouth
like he’s rabid.
STONER JEFF (CONT’D)
(to himself, ecstatically)
Mmmmm...who wants candy?
STONER STEVE
Denna also brought one in the girls’ room.
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. GYMNASIUM - PROM NIGHT
Several thin young women in fine GOWNS--CHEERLEADERS--EXIT
the very smoggy women’s restroom and go straight for the
SNACK TABLE, stuffing their pretty faces when they get
there. Anna and Teri, each holding a GLASS O
F PUNCH, are
watching this with eyes set on sardonic.
TERI
Cheerleaders. Is it ever wrong to hate
them?
ANNA
They can wear Vera Wang gowns to the
prom. That’s reason enough to hate them.
They CLING their glasses together in a petite toast.
TERI
Their thighs are also going to hate them
in the morning.
SFX - DRESSES RIPPING
Teri and Anna both flinch.
ANNA
So will whoever bought them those
dresses.
They laugh.
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. GYMNASIUM. BACKSTAGE - PROM NIGHT
A beefy African-American GUARD is standing watch over the temporary stage. The nerd approaches him.
NERD
I have the specified material you
requested in our agreement.
He produces a MANILLA ENVELOPE from his tuxedo pocket and hands it to the guard discreetly. The guard opens it and
slides out the contents, a single CD.
CLOSE-UP - CD
It’s “The Best of Barbara Streisand.”
BACK TO SCENE
GUARD
Does this have the duet with Celine
Dion from “The Mirror Has Two Faces”?
NERD
Of course.
GUARD
The original or remix?
NERD
Original.
GUARD
Oh, shuki-shuki. Tonight niggah's gonna
get his Barbara Streisand on!
He waves him on.
GUARD (CONT’D)
If anyone asks, I’ve never seen you.
NERD
That’s what I told the guy at Target
Records. (beat) Tonight’s going to be a
bloodbath.
The nerd EXITS the scene. Pause. Guard realizes he just made a horrible mistake.
GUARD
A "bloodbath"? Now I wish I hadn't let
him thru--oh, he already gone. Nothing I
can do about it now. Nothing except go
home and listen to my Yentl.
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. GYMNASIUM - PROM NIGHT
A COUPLE is slowdancing unusually far apart. Principal
Escobar sees them. He approaches them.
PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR
Children, children. Four inches apart.
He softly grabs them both by the shoulder and coaxes the
two a little closer together. We PAN OVER to Seth and Anna,
also dancing.
ANNA
Wow. Principal Escobar really went crazy
this year.
While dancing with her, he’s looking over his shoulders and
about the room.
SETH
Yeah...(beat)...but do you think
Lysandra is watching me? I know she's
been seeing other people and we won't be
going to the same college--but--
ANNA
(interrupting)
I thought you weren’t going to talk about
that tonight.
SETH
Okay. Do you think Lysandra is watching
us?
The music stops. Anna’s pissed. She releases his hands.
ANNA
I don’t believe you--I just don’t believe
you!
SETH
What? What’s wrong? This happens a lot to
me--girls yelling "I don't believe you."
Anna just turns around and storms off, leaving him behind.
Confused, Seth approaches Russ, who’s sitting still at a
table alone, with a serene look on his face.
SETH (CONT’D)
Hey, Russ.
Teri rises. She wipes something from the corner of her mouth.
TERI
Oh, hey, Seth.
SETH
Teri. (beat) It’s the weirdest thing:
Anna’s leaving just because I keep
talking about Lysandra.
RUSS
Dude. You do know that she loves you,
right? It’s so obvious to everyone but
you.
TERI
I knew. And I came in later.
SETH
Whoa! Whoa! Rewind and--
RUSS
(interrupting)
Remember: I got drunk last month and told
you?
FLASHBACK
INT. A BAR - NIGHT. LAST MAY
Seth and Russ are sitting alone at the bar. Russ is
obviously intoxicated; Seth is so drunk that he has passed
out on the bar. Russ leans over to the unconscious Seth,
all his weight shifted to the edge of the stool.
RUSS (CONT’D)
(loudly and drunkenly)
Anna loves you, man. I mean she really,
really loves you.
He then breaks out into a drunken giggle and loses his
balance, falling off the stool.
RUSS (CONT’D, O.S.)
Ow!
END FLASHBACK - BACK TO SCENE
RUSS (CONT’D)
Wait--maybe you were drunk too.
SETH
Oh my God. It was so obvious. Anna’s been
with me at the worst times of my life and
never even complained. I had my head up my
ass this entire time.
RUSS
Dude, you mean..(beat)...you’re that
long--?
SETH
(interrupting)
My other head, you scone!
Clarence begins playing STING’S “SECRET GARDEN.”
SETH (CONT’D)
This past year, I’ve just been thinking
about myself--
RUSS
(interrupting)
Dude. She’s leaving, so get her.
SETH
Leaving the prom--I can call her later
tonight.
RUSS
But I really think this is something you
should do right now.
SETH
(agreeing)
Yeah, okay...(beat)...you two never have
children.
He rushes off. Russ and Teri are left to contemplate this.
TERI
Wow. That is so romantic.
RUSS
Yeah. (beat) Well, back down you go.
He softly grabs the back of her head and forces her back
down.
TERI
Okay.
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN’S “SECRET GARDEN” starts playing over the
stereo.
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. GYMNASIUM. STAGE - PROM NIGHT
Clarence, who put on the Bruce Springsteen CD, is ecstatic.
CLARENCE
It worked. My mission’s done. I’ve finally
earned my wings.
He looks skyward and puts his hands together in prayer.
There’s a pause. The SCHOOL NURSE, dressed in her white
uniform, walks up to him.
SCHOOL NURSE
Clarence. You’ve forgotten to take your
brain medicine again, haven’t you?
He lowers his arms to his sides and looks down, ashamed.
CLARENCE
(guiltily)
Yes, ma’am.
INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. GYMNASIUM - PROM NIGHT
Seth is running in SLOW MOTION as the song plays on. He
dodges and makes his way through the crowd. He pushes a
GIRL out of his way, who collides with a GUY and then they
both fall. Then he stops at the refreshment table.
Trying to catch his breath, he drinks a little PUNCH. All
that running in slow motion must be hard. Then he continues
running again.
EXT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. PARKING LOT - PROM NIGHT
The song can even be heard from the parking lot. A
disappointed Anna is walking away from the school. Seth
EXITS the gym. He sees her.
SETH
Anna!
She stops. Fed-up, she turns.
POV - SETH
He--and we, obviously--sees her for the first time as a
beautiful girl instead of his best girl-guyfriend.
BACK TO SCENE
Seth’s speechless. His mouth is just gaping open for about
half a minute.
ANNA
(impatiently)
Graduation’s in two weeks.
He approaches her.
SETH
Anna, I was so obsessed with how I
thought thinks should be, I couldn’t see
something better in front of me. I
thought Lysandra was my world--and maybe
she was,...
He stops in front of her and holds out his hands.
SETH (CONT’D)
...but I’m ready to live in a new world
now. “Annatopolis,” this land shall be
called.
She puts her hands atop his.
SETH (CONT’D)
You complete me.
She’s tearing up.