11
EDWARD’S STORY:
NEW MOON
“I AM SO SORRY”
“Bella, you are my life now
You are the cause of my existence
Only to you my heart does bow
But there is still this restlessness
I never wanna lose control with you
No matter how hard it may be
But I am not good for you
You are wasting your life with me
I have always feared to lose you
But whenever, I look at you
I feel I am being selfish to you
I feel I am doing wrong to you
I am damned forever
I am surely destined to hell
I can want this for you? Never!
Your soul is far more precious, I can tell
With me, you are always in danger
I tried my best to protect you
12
But first James now my brother
In danger, I can no more put you
Bella, I have to leave you
I am so sorry
But still my heart only belongs to you
Everything will be alright, don’t worry”
I had been thinking
All these thoughts
But I could surely
Tell you not
For then you won’t let me go
You will fight to stay with me
Which is bad for you, I know
So these thoughts, to myself I will keep
“This is the last time you ever see me
It would be as if I had never existed
You won’t do anything reckless, promise me
I am sorry, our fate is just twisted”
“You don’t belong in my world
I don’t want you,”
Ah! The biggest lie of the world
I said because I had to
13
It was unimaginably hard for me
To say such things to my life
But how quickly she believed me
As if these weren’t just lies
That was the hardest thing
I had ever done, I’ll ever do
That was an unforgivable sin
That I forcibly had to do
During those moments
The look on your face
Will haunt the rest of the moments
Of my existence, what a fate!
I gave her my last kiss
I quickly had to move away
Her heartbeats then, how could I miss?
Which always gave her away
Her heart was stopping
Her breathing was frantic
Inside she was breaking
I could no more take it
I quickly left the forest
Leaving her standing there all alone
Everything was gone, all of my rest
My peace, my life, on the whole
14
I had never imagined how
A little drop of blood could change our lives
But I realized it now
That was the doom of our lives
Every shred of my existence ached
The pain was unbearable
Any peace could not be gained
The loneliness was intolerable
I hoped that she would forget me
While I could never
I hoped she would move on without me
While I could never
I clearly remember that day
Of my fragile human
It was eighteenth birthday
But she craved away from fun
Her mind was always a mystery to me
She had forbidden me to give her any present
But how could I not give her a gift when for me
She was the life’s most beautiful present
I had composed her a lullaby
She was the inspiration for it
In it I had promised to never say goodbye
To spend with her eternity
15
But how could I know
That the very next day
She would be standing alone
Because I could not stay
I had spent in darkness
Over 90 years of my existence
No hope, no light, no happiness
It was all beyond tolerance
I had always thought
That someone deprived of soul
Someone who with himself fought
Could have any ray of hope?
My existence was purposeless
I was a hideous monster
I was for sure destined to hell
On world I was a burden
I loathed myself
I felt angry
I hated myself
Sad for eternity
I seldom smiled
No happiness ever touched my heart
How I used to hear people’s minds
The rhythmic beat of alive hearts
16
How their hearts were
Full of passion
How their souls were
With hope brightened
From life, I always ran away
There was nothing for me
I was always nothing for anyone anyway
There was nobody there for me
So why I should live
Such a hollow life?
So why I should breathe
In a world so wild?
But then you came
Like hope, like light
And you became
The core of my life
Now I found my purpose
Why I had been created
It was for your protection
Only for you I existed
I had promised myself
That I will forever love you
I will devote myself
Completely to you
17
I was trying to fulfill this promise
As hard as I could
But this incidence so easily broke my promise
A thing I never imagined to do
My initial thoughts were right
I was indeed a monster
To exist I had no right
I was completely cursed
So cursed to hurt that person
Who gave me all my happiness
So damned to leave that person
Without whom there was just emptiness
I don’t know what
Life wants from me
Why it gave me love
When happiness is forbidden for me?
But I don’t care about myself
I just care about you, Bella
Life isn’t fair, why? I cannot tell
But what I have done to you is completely unfair, Bella
I can never forgive myself
In the very first place
I should have stopped myself
On that first day
18
I don’t know why
I couldn’t resist, Bella
I don’t know why
I couldn’t stop myself, Bella
I knew I was dangerous
I knew I was bad for you
I knew I was cursed
I shouldn’t have come to you
But I badly craved
For your company
&nb
sp; I badly cared
About your safety
When your weren’t in sight
I used to become utterly anxious
I just couldn’t think right
When you were not near
I always feared
That you will get hurt
Whenever you were near
Peace drowned my heart
I fell in love with you, Bella
I don’t know when
I couldn’t stay away from you, Bella
All my rules, I had broken
19
Your warmth, your smile
Your fragrance
Sweetened my life;
My existence
I just wanted to live
Every moment with you
And after your life would end
I would kill myself, too
After all my promises
That I made to you, Bella
I shattered your heart to pieces
That last look that I saw on your face
In that damn wild forest
Will haunt me forever, alas!
Will take away all my rest
How would you endure this, Bella?
I have shattered you to pieces
I know you always wanted one thing, Bella
To spend every waking hour with me
You were most afraid
That I would leave you one day
I was helpless because that
Was inevitable on that unfortunate day
20
I know you loved me
The way I never deserved
I hope you will learn to hate me
Because this is what I really deserve
I have read Jacob’s mind, Bella
He will take good care of you
But I will always be there, Bella
In shadows, waiting, ready to protect you
Humans have this great blessing
The power of oblivion
You may one day forget me
Your past; I will become
But I will suffer forever
With fresh pain everyday
Because your memories can dim? Never!
Instead they become sharper everyday
The sound of your heart beat
Is most significant sound for me
And to pass time without hearing it
Is sucking the life out of me
I am sorry, I was weak, Bella
I should never have come near you
But you are strong, my love Bella
You will move on, I hope for you
21
I miss every moment spent with you
Our taking classes together
Sitting in cafeteria with you
Why couldn’t these moments last forever?
Driving you home in my Volvo
Sneaking into your room
Through your opened window
Why did this all end so soon?
Your laughter, your bright smile
Your voice, your fragrance, your heartbeat
Your honest eyes, your inability to lie
It’s only you every moment, anywhere I see
Humming to you my lullaby
Watching you talk in your sleep
You used to call my name, in a way so lovely
A way to live without all this, I just cannot see
An eternity has passed since
I last held you in my arms
Since last our lips locked in kiss
How sweet were those lovely hours
You know what
I would trade absolutely anything
To become a human
And live with you, honey
22
Someone take away from me
My strength, my beauty, my immortality
I want nothing of this for me
I just want to spend with you eternity
There is autumn in our little meadow, Bella
My house is silent like coffin without you
I have become intolerably hollow, Bella
I have lost everything since I left you
My heart hadn’t beat for over 90 years
But this time it was entirely different
Hollow, like it had never been there
My everything with you, I had left
I am the most loath able creature
In this entire universe
I hurt the one who gave me life, who was my redeemer
Any crime cannot be any more worse
Time will pass for both of us
Though it is passing slowly
It is passing for even me, love
Who is not even alive truly
.
.
.
.
23
What are you thinking? Rose…
What are these pictures in your mind?
When did Alice saw this? Rose
This can’t be, I must be losing my mind
Rose, stop! Don’t say these words out loud!
This can’t be; she had promised me
She can’t give her promise such wound
She jumped off a cliff? Don’t tell me!
I just can’t believe it, Bella
When you had promised me, Bella
I couldn’t even imagine this
I only had a least bit
Of satisfaction remaining in my heart
That you were safe, alive without me
Although I had broken your heart
That I was breathing in the same air
That you were breathing in, love
Now you have gone to Heaven and here
I will now go to hell, my love
I don’t know how farther apart
Hell and Heaven are from each other
But I assure you that in my heart
I will keep you forever
24
Oh! Can’t I go into past
And change everything
The decision to leave you in my past
Had caused this everything
Shall I get to go back
I will never ever leave you
I will take my words back
Said in the forest to you
My decision worked out, sadly
Neither for you nor for me
Everything turned on badly
On both you and me
Had you been alive
I know I would have returned
Someday, somehow, some night
Through your window you always leave opened
I would have begged you
To reaccept me
I would have begged you
To marry me
I know you would never
Ever forgive me
But to live with you forever
Was the perfect Heaven for me
25
But now nothing can be done, nothing!
I am sorry, Carlisle, forgive me, Esme
That like this my life is ending
But there is no other way, to survive this news for me
Isn’t it possible that Alice might be wrong
I should once ask Charlie about it
“Hello, Is Charlie
at home?” I asked on phone
There was Jacob on the other side of it
“No, he is not. He is at the funeral.”
And the line on my side was cut
Charlie was on my beloved’s funeral
Now alas! Alice’s vision was confirmed
My love wasn’t breathing anymore
I must stop my breathing too
I can’t take in that air anymore
Which is deprived of her life’s proof
In the plane there were humans
Some going to their homes, some leaving them
Half were excited, half sadness-laden
But not even nearly as empty as me was any of them
Because I was again that lonely person
That I was before, only more worse
Because I was that unfortunate person
Who had lost with his own hands his love
26
I so very clearly remember that day
When I had first told you about the Volturi
You were so scared by my same planning as was of today
Only then James was about to kill you and now you were killed by me.
You had forbidden me to think
Any such idea again
But now inevitable it is
For death, I can no more wait
Only one image is stuck in my mind
Trembling, shaking, breathing frantically, helpless you
When I had told you that you weren’t anymore mine
How severely and brutally I must have tortured you
I can’t say in words the torture, the pain I had felt
When I was forced to say those cruel, hollow words to you
But I am a vampire, you are human, I can’t tell
Who was in more pain, may be in same, both me and you
I should never have been saved
When I was destined to give
To my beloved the worst possible pain
I have committed that crime which no one can forgive
At last, Volterra, I have arrived
I will ask Aro to kill me
Tell him that you had died
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He will agree after hearing my story
Ah! What was I expecting?
And what Aro planned
He was all the time imagining
Me joining his hideous clan
But no one can stop me from dying
I will force them to kill me
A backup plan I had been planning
If they refused to kill me