– excuses, 22, 251–252
– fallacy, 18, 54, 110
pathos, 49–54 passim, 336
pessimism, ix–366 passim
– socialism and, 196
– see also entries under communism
pessimist
– secret hopes of a, 148–149
Philosophy for Beginners, 3n., 7n., 32n., 73n., 125n., 250n.
photographs, 2–3, 103–104, 136, 329, 353–354
– blurred, 63, 151
– in family albums, 130
– wonky, 298
piano,
– stories, 79–80, 160
pies/puddings, 87, 121, 124–126, 313
pious, the,
– are more difficult to forgive than the average sinner, 106
pity, 255
platitudes, 25
Plato, 125
– ‘Phaedrus, commodity fetishism, and our symbolic lives and psychic habits’, 32
plot,
– thickens, the, 141
– see also entries under conspiracy
plumbing, 102
poems, 244
poetry,
– Billy Nibbs’s, 61, 67–68
politics, 41–42
politicians, 43, 196n.
popcorn, 43, 44
potatoes, 70, 101
– Mystery, recipe for, 124
– perfect roast, how to cook, 29
– see also entries under chips, Chip Crisps, food and snacks
prayer, 31, 53
– compared to sex and saying thank you, x
preaching, 71, 81–82, 187–188
prejudice, 312n.
priesthood,
– fantasy of becoming a member of the, Francie McGinn’s, 77
– peculiar satisfactions of the, 267
– see also entries under Catholicism and clergy
profundity,
– drunken, 111–113
progress, 84, 133–134, 151, 177, 186–188, 222, 245–246, 319, 323–324
Protestant,
– quiff, and drainpipe trousers, a, 42
– an unstinting, example of, 44
Prozac, 320
publishers,
– lies and venality of, 68, 109–110
pubs, 35, 61–65
Pullman, Philip,
– problem of evil in the work of, 157
– see also entries under autodidacts
quality, 172
– consistency and, 247
quiet,
– desperation, 82, 97, 239, 255
queuing,
– as a vital sign, 85
rabbit,
– senseless killing of a, 98
rain,
– drizzle, 70, 119
– midsummer, 102
– molested by, 15
– playing timpani, 296
– sheeting down, 11
rat,
– giant, 343
reading, 239, 240
regret, 137
religion, 53n., 71–83 passim
– as a disease, 142
– see also delusions
religious,
– but not good, 82
– doubt, and Hormone Replacement Therapy, 37
– revival, rumours of a, 188–189
reporterese, 314–315
resilience, 285
resolve, 13, 114
responsibility,
– in dreams begins, 41–42, 163
restaurant,
– French, 198
– Irish-themed, 24
– Wong’s Chinese, 117
return,
– of the prodigal, 1–18, 126
risk, 301
road,
– common, the, 22
– middle of the, 150
– ring, 1ff.
roads,
– how many, must a man, 150
– diverged in a wood, two, 13, 83
rock,
– between a, and a hard place, 181
rot,
– inwardly, 133, 216–218, 254–255
rubbish, 224n.
– modern life is, 17–18, 238, 258, 335
– stench of, 55
rut, a, 26
– is the opposite of a buzz, 99
sacrifice,
– too long a, 77, 237
saddest,
– tale, arguably, 318n.
sainthood,
– and tea-making, 91
salads, 77, 196, 237
Salinger, J.D.,
– author of the greatest work of twentieth-century fiction, allegedly, 156–157
– see also entries under autodidacts
salmon of knowledge, the, 275
salt,
– pinch of, 37
– of the earth, 13
sandwiches, 21, 23–24, 64, 85, 248–249
– and capitalism, 246
Santayana, George, 31
saveloys, 170n.
savings, pensions and investments, 221
scapegoat, 135
scene-setting, 14
scholarship,
– and homeless despondency, 73n.
school, 132–137
seasons,
– the four, 243
second income,
– fish-fingers and, 195
self-absorption, 204
self-conceit, 108
self-control, 143, 264
– complete lack of, 83, 216–218, 278
self-deception, 5, 40, 310
self-entrenchment, 155–156
self-esteem, 158
– new shower unit and, 102
self-impersonation, 20–21, 279
self-invention, 5, 22–23, 37, 88, 137–138, 142, 165, 242, 279, 286
serendipity, 327
– see also entries under coincidences
seventh son, the
– of a seventh son, evidence of God’s amusement, 4
sex, 143–144, 170, 205, 306
– and teaching your grandmother to suck eggs, 181
– compared to prayer and saying thank you, x
– money, and death, 171
– Rotary Club raffle sounds like telephone, 291
– shop, first and probably the last, 183n.
shame,
– ER, Sex and the City, and Sebastian Faulks’s Birdsong excite a sense of, 75
sheets,
– nylon, 148
– soiled, 104
Shloer, 213
shoes, 33, 84–85, 288, 291
– princess, 286
shopping, 172, 236
– and funerals, 263
shopping mall, the
– arguments in favour of, 289, 338–339
– depressing aspects of, 18, 238, 289
shops, 16–18, 84–89, 183, 202, 276, 312, 338
shout,
– how to, without getting a sore throat, 300
show business, 299, 302–303
showing off,
– see entries under show business and writing
signatures, 248–249
– sudden recognitions and revelations connected to, 130–131, 242, 295
signs, 23, 72, 73, 81, 190, 244–245, 252, 310
– and wonders, 80
silence,
– his mind moves upon, 26, 53, 103
– the rest is, 366
silent
– melancholy, the, of the plumber, 102–103
Silicon Valley,
– our very own, 245
sins, 306–307
sleet, 44, 54
small town, 14, 55, 230, 333, 345
– compared to city, 7, 127, 328
– compared to country, 152
Smart, Elizabeth,
– By Grand Central Station I Sat Down And Wept, a surprising success among the older ladies in town, 240n.
smile, 21, 288, 315
– beatific, not very convincing, 274
– how to, without feeling happy, 300
– philosophical, example of, 8
– see also entries under grins and smirks
smirks, 277
smoking, 11, 97, 204, 208, 215, 308, 332, 333, 364
– kills, 116
snacks,
– between meals, inadvisability of, 209n.
– see also entries under food, Chip Crisps and Chunky Butts
snow, 31, 332–333
society,
– there is such a thing as, pudding as proof that, 125
sociology,
– town’s only degree in, 3n.
Sodom and Gomorrah,
– skateboarding and, 308
solicitors,
– aspersions cast upon, 60
soul,
– the awakened, 101
soup,
– chicken and celery, recipe for, 123
– lentil, 307
– primal, 102
Spam,
– Hawaii and, 140n.
sparkling white wine, 81
standards,
– the difficulty of maintaining, 83, 212
status, 19, 38, 42, 108
storm,
– the gathering, 54, 69, 114, 242
success, 19, 39, 108, 117, 120, 138, 235
– cast-iron guaranteed secrets of, 250–251
suicide, 4, 197n.
Sunday,
– lunch, 29, 90–91, 319
sunflowers,
– Van Gogh’s, evidence of the unendingness of art, 111–112
sunshine, 55, 70, 115, 180, 207
sushi,
– and Christian guilt, 307
sweets, 87–88, 149
– see also entries under butter-balls
System, The, 248
tan,
– the St. Tropez, 40
tea, 91, 116, 149, 153, 265
– and wine, 124–125
teacher,
– ‘career’, euphemism for, 134
– English, 63–64
– leather-jacket wearing, readyrubbed rolling, 66
– Music, 135n.
teenagers, 261
teeth, 21
– Monica Hawkins’s father’s, true story about, 46n.
– Clarence Kemp’s, true story about, 318n.
television,
– is a huge comfort, 28
– Morecambe and Wise on, 36
– programmes, inheriting other people’s, 337
– stool, the, 122
– wide screen, 127
temptation,
– and the smell of barbecued meats, 83
– is Christmas in Tenerife, 194 texting, 31, 74
– a guide to Christian, 32n.
themes,
– disowning of, xi
– residual evidence of, Iff
time,
– and money 120–121, 251
– ‘Wounds All Heels’, 312
‘Too much pudding will choke the dog’, 169n.
tragic, the, 103, 314-315
travellers,
– and the pool of Narcissus, 139
– are tourists in other people’s reality, 356
– change climates, not conditions, 264
True Christian Manliness,
– the Boy’s Brigade and, 141
truth,
– is very probably non-existent, 162–163
Twain, Shania,
twilight,
– the coming of a universal, 15–18, 29, 54, 100–101, 107
ukuleles, 231
underwear 39, 269
unhappiness,
– irreducible, 29, 82, 154, 238, 255
upholstery,
– as a business, 118
– limits of, as a hobby, 236
urine, 5, 207, 306
Van Gogh, Vincent, 112
– see also entries under sunflowers
velocity,
– maintaining, importance of, 13, 18, 54
violence, 63, 105, 278
Virgin Birth, 52
– unorthodox view of, 53
Virgin Mary, 52
– business advice from the, 120
– hanging out the Christ child’s clothes, 53
– plaque, 49
virtue,
– examples of, 49–50, 64, 195, 200
vision,
– see delusions
vomiting, 58, 103
– see also diarrhoea
vulgarity, 43, 63–64
waffles, 336–337
wages, 251
– the, of sin is death, 183
waiter,
– forgotten arts of the, 301
wallets, 14, 120
wallpaper, 128–131
walls,
– of Jericho, 297
war,
– First World, 311
– Second World, 173–174
wart-charming, 275
waste,
– the, even in a fortunate life, 29, 347
weather,
– about the, 1, 11, 31, 55, 70, 84, 102, 115, 132, 164, 180
– more about the, 195, 207, 219, 243, 256, 270, 296, 311, 332, 366
weddings, 89–90, 213, 258, 285–286
wife,
– is the key of the house, 267
wild oats,
– sowing of, 83, 204–205
wills, 59–60
wind, 19, 270–271
windscreen-wipers, 11–12
wine, 75, 88, 140
– and tea, 124–125
Winterson, Jeanette,
– having read, and yet still having to work in an in-store bakery, the unfairness of, 215–216
wolf in sheep’s clothing, a, 141
wooing, 294–295
woolly,
– hat, for seamen, the knitting pattern for, 50
women,
– role of, in the New Testament, 305
– who have never had their colours done, 291–292
work, 92, 285
– donkey, 61–62, 128–129
– kills you, 115–116, 172, 251
– nice, 89, 288–289
world,
– end of the, 197
worship, 79, 186
writers, 156–157, 240
– arrogant, xi
– baseless hopes of, 154
– bullying, xi
– done up in fancy clothes, 110–111
– self-regarding, ix–xii
– wilful and selfish individuals, x
writing, 324
– the, is on the wall, 130–131
yearning, 29–30, 108
yes,
– an enormous, 366
zeal,
– without knowledge, 164–166, 309–310
Zeitgeist,
– author clearly au fait with the, 32, 91, 363–364
Acknowledgements
For previous acknowledgements see The Truth about Babies (Granta Books, 2002), pp. 335–7. These stand. In addition I would like to thank the following. (The previous terms and conditions apply: some of them are dead; most of them are strangers; the famous are not friends; none of them bears any responsibility.) I am particularly grateful to The Enthusiast.
The Alabama 3, Janet and Allen Ahlberg, Mulk Raj Anand, Gerry Anderson, Aharon Appelfeld, Robert Alter, Diane Arbus, Louis Armstrong, Matthew Arnold, Roger Ascham, Clement Attlee, Erich Auerbach, Edward L. Ayers Jr, Ronnie Barker, Mel Bartholomew, Susan Wise Bauer, the Be Good Tanyas, Simon Russell Beale, Richard Beckinsale, Derek Bell, Hilaire Belloc, Arnold Bennett, Irving Berlin, Rodney Bewes, Lexy Bloom, Dirk Bogarde, Paul F. Boiler Jr, George Borrow, Louise Bourgeois, David Bowman, Myrtle Brown, Sir Thomas Browne, Kurt Brungardt, Gavin Bryars, Robert Burton, Aldo Buzzi, Café Brazilia, Abraham Cahan, Sandra Calder, Stephen Calder, Calexico, Betsy Cameron, David Cannadine, Frank Capra
, Joe Carey, Anthony Caro, Harry Carpenter, Humphrey Carpenter, David Carradine, Jim Carrey, Alison Carson, Charlie Carson, Ciaran Carson, the Carter Family, Nick Cave, CBBC Scotland, Paul Celan, Anton Chekhov, G. K. Chesterton, Nick Clarke, George Clooney, J. M. Coetzee, Nik Cohn, Eddie Condon and his Band, Caroline Cooper, Mr and Mrs Cooper, Mrs Conville, Henry Cooper, Brendan Cormican, Ben Cove, Miles Coverdale, Jim Crace, Mr and Mrs Cromie, David Dabydeen, Nick Davies, Sara Davies, Les Dawson, Peter Day, Richard Deacon, Daniel Defoe, Iris DeMent, Govindas Vishnoodas Desani, John Dewey, Hugo Duncan, Dave Eggers, Barbara Ehrenreich, Ralph Ellison, Lucy Ellmann, D. J. Enright, The Enthusiast, Bill Evans, Gil Evans, Lee Evans, John Evelyn, Robert Faggen, Frantz Fanon, Ronald Firbank, Carol Fitzsimmons, Richard Flanagan, John Florio, Northrop Frye, Janice Galloway, Ray Galton and Alan Simpson, Dr Gaston, Malcom Gladwell, Philip Glass, Brian Glover, Nikolai Gogol, Ray Gosling, Antonio Gramsci, Mark Gray, Anna Greene, Davey Greene, Jane Greene, Jenny Greene, Sophie Greene, Jane Greenwood, Alec Guinness, the Tyrone Guthrie Centre, Reg Gutteridge, Christine Hall, Terry Hall, Sophie Harrison, Alethea Hayter, Hannah Henderson, Werner Herzog, Christopher Hitchens, Peter Hitchens, Eric Hobsbawm, David Hockney, Courtney Hodell, Min Hogg, A. M. Homes, Rachel Hooper, Irving Howe, Susan Howe, Victor Hugo, T. E. Hulme, Julian Humphries, Tilly Hunt, Kenneth T. Jackson, Kevin Jackson, C. L. R. James, Sid James, Skip James, Tove Jansson, Richard Jefferies, Justine Jordan, John B. Keane, Alice Kessler-Harris, Khaled, the Sir James Kilfedder Memorial Trust, Roy Kinnear, Victor Klemperer, Ivan Klima, Eric Korn, Karl Kraus, Kronos Quartet, Andrey Kurkov, Jean de La Fontaine, John Lahr, Le Corbusier, Kim Lenaghan, Daniel Libeskind, the staff of the Linenhall Library, Belfast, Professor Longhair, Edna Longley, Michael Longley, Robin Lustig, George McAuley, Peter McDonald, Robert MacFarlane, Rev. F. W. McGee, Liam McIlvanney, Cherrie McIlwaine, McKeown’s, James MacMillan, Dr McNutt, Ian McTear, Bernard Malamud, Neeraj Malhotra, Sir Thomas Malory, David Mamet, Greil Marcus, Marcel Mauss, Vladimir Mayakovsky, Jonathan Meades, Arthur Mee, Johnny Mercer, Billy Miskimmin, Trevor Miskimmin, Eugenio Montale, Eric Morecambe, William Morris, Grandma Moses, Frank Muir, Randy Newman, Michael Newton, Red Nichols, Lorine Niedecker, Catherine O’Dolan, Charles Olson, Peter Owen, Camille Paglia, Tom Paulin, Nicholas Pearson, Itzhak Perlman, Harold Pinter, Sadie Plant, Cole Porter, Robert Potts, Francis Poulenc, Philip Pullman, Gordon Ramsey, the Redskins, Dan Rhodes, Charlie Rich, Jonathon Richman, Richard Rorty, Jonathan Rose, Leonard Rossiter, Julian Rothenstein, Josiah Royce, John Ruskin, Mark Russell, Edward W. Said, Will Salmon, Sampson’s Cycles, Robert Sandall, Ted Sansom, Gerald Scarfe, András Schiff, Ben Schott, Kurt Schwitters, David Sedaris, Richard Sennett, Doctor Seuss, John Seymour, Shakira, Verity Sharp, Carol Shields, Sho’Nuff Records, Roger Scruton, Aura Sibisan, Mike Skinner, Christopher Smart, Smylie’s Sectional Buildings, Sharon Smith, Stevie Smith, Muggsy Spanier, the Specials, Johnny Speight, Francis Spufford, Graham Swift, Jonathan Swift, Jeremy Taylor, Tesco.com (Knocknagoney), Edward Thomas, Irene Thomas, Rosie Thomas, Rosie Thornton, Peter Townend, Louise Tucker, William Tyndale, Ralph Vaughan Williams, Geza Vermes, Gina Vitelli, David Wardle, Steve Wasserman, Evelyn Waugh, Tim Westwood, David Wheatley, E. B. White, Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall, David Widgery, Norman Wisdom, Ernie Wise, P. G. Wodehouse, Stevie Wonder, Usa Yardley, Rafi Zabor, Israel Zangwill, Slavoj zizek.