PRUE
I knew him in the old days.
MATT
What do you mean?
PRUE
When he was a chef.
Lambert’s mobile phone rings.
LAMBERT
Who the fuck’s this?
He switches it on.
Yes? What?
He listens briefly.
I said no calls! It’s my fucking wedding anniversary!
He switches it off.
Cunt.
TABLE TWO
SUKI
I’m so proud of you.
RUSSELL
Yes?
SUKI
And I know these people are good people. These people who believe in you. They’re good people. Aren’t they?
RUSSELL
Very good people.
SUKI
And when I meet them, when you introduce me to them, they’ll treat me with respect, won’t they? They won’t want to fuck me behind a filing cabinet?
SONIA comes to the table.
SONIA
Good evening.
RUSSELL
Good evening.
SUKI
Good evening.
SONIA
Everything all right?
RUSSELL
Wonderful.
SONIA
No complaints?
RUSSELL
Absolutely no complaints whatsoever. Absolutely numero uno all along the line.
SONIA
What a lovely compliment.
RUSSELL
Heartfelt.
SONIA
Been to the theatre?
SUKI
The opera.
SONIA
Oh really, what was it?
SUKI
Well … there was a lot going on. A lot of singing. A great deal, as a matter of fact. They never stopped. Did they?
RUSSELL
(To SONIA) Listen, let me ask you something.
SONIA
You can ask me absolutely anything you like.
RUSSELL
What was your upbringing?
SONIA
That’s funny. Everybody asks me that. Everybody seems to find that an interesting subject. I don’t know why. Isn’t it funny? So many people express curiosity about my upbringing. I’ve no idea why. What you really mean of course is – how did I arrive at the position I hold now – maîtresse d’hôtel – isn’t that right? Isn’t that your question? Well, I was born in Bethnal Green. My mother was a chiropodist. I had no father.
RUSSELL
Fantastic.
SONIA
Are you going to try our bread-and-butter pudding?
RUSSELL
In spades.
SONIA smiles and goes.
RUSSELL
Did I ever tell you about my mother’s bread-and-butter pudding?
SUKI
You never have. Please tell me.
RUSSELL
You really want me to tell you? You’re not being insincere?
SUKI
Darling. Give me your hand. There. I have your hand. I’m holding your hand. Now please tell me. Please tell me about your mother’s bread-and-butter pudding. What was it like?
RUSSELL
It was like drowning in an ocean of richness.
SUKI
How beautiful. You’re a poet.
RUSSELL
I wanted to be a poet once. But I got no encouragement from my dad. He thought I was an arsehole.
SUKI
He was jealous of you, that’s all. He saw you as a threat. He thought you wanted to steal his wife.
RUSSELL
His wife?
SUKI
Well, you know what they say.
RUSSELL
What?
SUKI
Oh, you know what they say.
The WAITER comes to the table and pours wine.
WAITER
Do you mind if I interject?
RUSSELL
WAITER
I say, do you mind if I make an interjection?
SUKI
We’d welcome it.
WAITER
It’s just that I heard you talking about T. S. Eliot a little bit earlier this evening.
SUKI
Oh you heard that, did you?
WAITER
I did. And I thought you might be interested to know that my grandfather knew T. S. Eliot quite well.
SUKI
Really?
WAITER
I’m not claiming that he was a close friend of his. But he was a damn sight more than a nodding acquaintance. He knew them all in fact, Ezra Pound, W. H. Auden, C. Day Lewis, Louis MacNeice, Stephen Spender, George Barker, Dylan Thomas and if you go back a few years he was a bit of a drinking companion of D. H. Lawrence, Joseph Conrad, Ford Madox Ford, W. B. Yeats, Aldous Huxley, Virginia Woolf and Thomas Hardy in his dotage. My grandfather was carving out a niche for himself in politics at the time. Some saw him as a future Chancellor of the Exchequer or at least First Lord of the Admiralty but he decided instead to command a battalion in the Spanish Civil War but as things turned out he spent most of his spare time in the United States where he was a very close pal of Ernest Hemingway – they used to play gin rummy together until the cows came home. But he was also boon compatriots with William Faulkner, Scott Fitzgerald, Upton Sinclair, John Dos Passos – you know – that whole vivid Chicago gang – not to mention John Steinbeck, Erskine Caldwell, Carson McCullers and other members of the old Deep South conglomerate. I mean – what I’m trying to say is – that as a man my grandfather was just about as all round as you can get. He was never without his pocket bible and he was a dab hand at pocket billiards. He stood four square in the centre of the intellectual and literary life of the tens, twenties and thirties. He was James Joyce’s godmother.
Silence.
RUSSELL
Have you been working here long?
WAITER
Years.
RUSSELL
You going to stay until it changes hands?
WAITER
Are you suggesting that I’m about to get the boot?
SUKI
They wouldn’t do that to a nice lad like you.
WAITER
To be brutally honest, I don’t think I’d recover if they did a thing like that. This place is like a womb to me. I prefer to stay in my womb. I strongly prefer that to being born.
RUSSELL
I don’t blame you. Listen, next time we’re talking about T. S. Eliot I’ll drop you a card.
WAITER
You would make me a very happy man. Thank you. Thank you. You are incredibly gracious people.
SUKI
How sweet of you.
WAITER
Gracious and graceful.
He goes.
SUKI
What a nice young man.
TABLE ONE
LAMBERT
You won’t believe this. You’re not going to believe this – and I’m only saying this because I’m among friends – and I know I’m well liked because I trust my family and my friends – because I know they like me fundamentally – you know – deep down they trust me – deep down they respect me – otherwise I wouldn’t say this. I wouldn’t take you all into my confidence if I thought you all hated my guts – I couldn’t be open and honest with you if I thought you thought I was a pile of shit. If I thought you would like to see me hung, drawn and fucking quartered – I could never be frank and honest with you if that was the truth – never …
Silence.
But as I was about to say, you won’t believe this, I fell in love once and this girl I fell in love with loved me back. I know she did.
Pause.
JULIE
Wasn’t that me, darling?
LAMBERT
Who?
MATT
Her.
LAMBERT
Her? No, not her. A girl. I used to
take her for walks along the river.
JULIE
Lambert fell in love with me on the top of a bus. It was a short journey. Fulham Broadway to Shepherd’s Bush, but it was enough. He was trembling all over. I remember. (To PRUE) When I got home I came and sat on your bed, didn’t I?
LAMBERT
I used to take this girl for walks along the river. I was young, I wasn’t much more than a nipper.
MATT
That’s funny. I never knew anything about that. And I knew you quite well, didn’t I?
LAMBERT
What do you mean you knew me quite well? You knew nothing about me. You know nothing about me. Who the fuck are you anyway?
MATT
I’m your big brother.
LAMBERT
I’m talking about love, mate. You know, real fucking love, walking along the banks of a river holding hands.
MATT
I saw him the day he was born. You know what he looked like? An alcoholic. Pissed as a newt. He could hardly stand.
JULIE
He was trembling like a leaf on top of that bus. I’ll never forget it.
PRUE
I was there when you came home. I remember what you said. You came into my room. You sat down on my bed.
MATT
What did she say?
PRUE
I mean we were sisters, weren’t we?
MATT
Well, what did she say?
PRUE
I’ll never forget what you said. You sat on my bed.
Didn’t you? Do you remember?
LAMBERT
This girl was in love with me – I’m trying to tell you.
PRUE
Do you remember what you said?
TABLE TWO
Richard comes to the table.
RICHARD
Good evening.
RUSSELL
Good evening.
SUKI
Good evening.
RICHARD
Everything in order?
RUSSELL
First class.
RICHARD
I’m so glad.
SUKI
Can I say something?
RICHARD
But indeed –
SUKI
Everyone is so happy in your restaurant. I mean women and men. You make people so happy.
RICHARD
Well, we do like to feel that it’s a happy restaurant.
RUSSELL
It is a happy restaurant. For example, look at me. Look at me. I’m basically a totally disordered personality, some people would describe me as a psychopath. (To SUKI) Am I right?
SUKI
Yes.
RUSSELL
But when I’m sitting in this restaurant I suddenly find I have no psychopathic tendencies at all. I don’t feel like killing everyone in sight, I don’t feel like putting a bomb under everyone’s arse. I feel something quite different, I have a sense of equilibrium, of harmony, I love my fellow diners. Now this is very unusual for me. Normally I feel – as I’ve just said – absolutely malice and hatred towards everyone within spitting distance – but here I feel love. How do you explain it?
SUKI
It’s the ambience.
RICHARD
Yes, I think ambience is that intangible thing that cannot be defined.
RUSSELL
Quite right.
SUKI
It is intangible. You’re absolutely right.
RUSSELL
Absolutely.
RICHARD
That is absolutely right. But it does – I would freely admit – exist. It’s something you find you are part of. Without knowing exactly what it is.
RUSSELL
Yes. I had an old schoolmaster once who used to say that ambience surrounds you. He never stopped saying that. He lived in a little house in a nice little village but none of us boys were ever invited to tea.
RICHARD
Yes, it’s funny you should say that. I was brought up in a little village myself.
SUKI
No? Were you?
RICHARD
Yes, isn’t it odd? In a little village in the country.
RUSSELL
What, right in the country?
RICHARD
Oh, absolutely. And my father once took me to our village pub. I was only that high. Too young to join him for his pint of course. But I did look in. Black beams.
RUSSELL
On the roof?
RICHARD
Well, holding the ceiling up in fact. Old men smoking pipes, no music of course, cheese rolls, gherkins, happiness. I think this restaurant – which you so kindly patronise – was inspired by that pub in my childhood. I do hope you noticed that you have complimentary gherkins as soon as you take your seat.
SUKI
That was you! That was your idea!
RICHARD
I believe the concept of this restaurant rests in that public house of my childhood.
SUKI
I find that incredibly moving.
TABLE ONE
LAMBERT
I’d like to raise my glass.
MATT
What to?
LAMBERT
To my wife. To our anniversary.
JULIE
Oh darling! You remembered!
LAMBERT
I’d like to raise my glass. I ask you to raise your glasses to my wife.
JULIE
I’m so touched by this, honestly. I mean I have to say –
LAMBERT
Raise your fucking glass and shut up!
JULIE
But darling, that’s naked aggression. He doesn’t normally go in for naked aggression. He usually disguises it under honeyed words. What is it sweetie? He’s got a cold in the nose, that’s what it is.
LAMBERT
I want us to drink to our anniversary. We’ve been married for more bloody years than I can remember and it don’t seem a day too long.
PRUE
Cheers.
MATT
Cheers.
JULIE
It’s funny our children aren’t here. When they were young we spent so much time with them, the little things, looking after them.
PRUE
I know.
JULIE
Playing with them.
PRUE
Feeding them.
JULIE
Being their mothers.
PRUE
They always loved me much more than they loved him.
JULIE
Me too. They loved me to distraction. I was their mother.
PRUE
Yes, I was too. I was my children’s mother.
MATT
They have no memory.
LAMBERT
Who?
MATT
Children. They have no memory. They remember nothing. They don’t remember who their father was or who their mother was. It’s all a hole in the wall for them. They don’t remember their own life.
SONIA comes to the table.
SONIA
Everything all right?
JULIE
Perfect.
SONIA
Were you at the opera this evening?
JULIE
No.
PRUE
No.
SONIA
Theatre?
PRUE
No.
JULIE
No.
MATT
This is a celebration.
SONIA
Oh my goodness! A birthday?
MATT
Anniversary.
PRUE
My sister and her husband. Anniversary of their marriage. I was her leading bridesmaid.
MATT
I was his best man.
LAMBERT
I was just about to fuck her at the altar when somebody stopped me.
SONIA
Really?
MATT
I stopped him. His
zip went down and I kicked him up the arse. It would have been a scandal. The world’s press was on the doorstep.
JULIE
He was always impetuous.
SONIA
We get so many different kinds of people in here, people from all walks of life.
PRUE
Do you really?
SONIA
Oh yes. People from all walks of life. People from different countries. I’ve often said, ‘You don’t have to speak English to enjoy good food.’ I’ve often said that. Or even understand English. It’s like sex isn’t it? You don’t have to be English to enjoy sex. You don’t have to speak English to enjoy sex. Lots of people enjoy sex without being English. I’ve known one or two Belgian people for example who love sex and they don’t speak a word of English. The same applies to Hungarians.
LAMBERT
Yes. I met a chap who was born in Venezuela once and he didn’t speak a fucking word of English.
MATT
Did he enjoy sex?
LAMBERT
Sex?
SONIA
Yes, it’s funny you should say that. I met a man from Morocco once and he was very interested in sex.
JULIE
What happened to him?
SONIA
Now you’ve upset me. I think I’m going to cry.
PRUE
Oh, poor dear. Did he let you down?
SONIA
He’s dead. He died in another woman’s arms. He was on the job. Can you see how tragic my life has been?
Pause.
MATT
Well, I can. I don’t know about the others.
JULIE
I can too.
PRUE
So can I.
SONIA
Have a happy night.
She goes.
LAMBERT
Lovely woman.
The WAITER comes to the table and pours wine into their glasses.
WAITER
Do you mind if I interject?
MATT
What?
WAITER
Do you mind if I make an interjection?
MATT
Help yourself.
WAITER
It’s just that a little bit earlier I heard you saying something about the Hollywood studio system in the thirties.
PRUE
Oh you heard that?
WAITER
Yes. And I thought you might be interested to know that my grandfather was very familiar with a lot of the old Hollywood film stars back in those days. He used to knock about with Clark Gable and Elisha Cook Jr and he was one of the very few native-born Englishmen to have had it off with Hedy Lamarr.
JULIE
No?
LAMBERT
What was she like in the sack?
WAITER
He said she was really tasty.
JULIE
I’ll bet she was.
WAITER
Of course there was a very well-established Irish Mafia in Hollywood in those days. And there was a very close connection between some of the famous Irish film stars and some of the famous Irish gangsters in Chicago. Al Capone and Victor Mature for example. They were both Irish. Then there was John Dillinger the celebrated gangster and Gary Cooper the celebrated film star. They were Jewish.