ECHO
my shawl
REBECCA
And I made it into a bundle
ECHO
a bundle
REBECCA
And I held it under my left arm
ECHO
my left arm
Pause.
REBECCA
And I went through with my baby
ECHO
my baby
Pause.
REBECCA
But the baby cried out
ECHO
cried out
REBECCA
And the man called me back
ECHO
called me back
REBECCA
And he said what do you have there
ECHO
have there
REBECCA
He stretched out his hand for the bundle
ECHO
for the bundle
REBECCA
And I gave him the bundle
ECHO
the bundle
REBECCA
And that’s the last time I held the bundle
ECHO
the bundle
Silence.
REBECCA
And we got on the train
ECHO
the train
REBECCA
And we arrived at this place
ECHO
this place
REBECCA
And I met a woman I knew
ECHO
I knew
REBECCA
And she said what happened to your baby
ECHO
your baby
REBECCA
Where is your baby
ECHO
your baby
REBECCA
And I said what baby
ECHO
what baby
REBECCA
I don’t have a baby
ECHO
a baby
REBECCA
I don’t know of any baby
ECHO
of any baby
Pause.
REBECCA
I don’t know of any baby
Long silence.
Blackout.
CELEBRATION
CHARACTERS
LAMBERT
MATT
PRUE
JULIE
RUSSELL
SUKI
RICHARD
SONIA
WAITER
WAITRESS 1
WAITRESS 2
A restaurant.
Two curved banquettes.
Celebration was first presented in a double bill with The Room at the Almeida Theatre, London, on 16 March 2000, with the following cast:
LAMBERT Keith Allen
MATT Andy de la Tour
PRUE Lindsay Duncan
JULIE Susan Wooldridge
RUSSELL Steven Pacey
SUKI Lia Williams
RICHARD Thomas Wheatley
SONIA Indira Varma
WAITER Danny Dyer
WAITRESS 1 Nina Raine
WAITRESS 2 Katherine Tozer
Directed by Harold Pinter
Designed by Eileen Diss
TABLE ONE
WAITER
Who’s having the duck?
LAMBERT
The duck’s for me.
JULIE
No it isn’t.
LAMBERT
No it isn’t. Who’s it for?
JULIE
Me.
What am I having? I thought I was having the duck?
JULIE
(To WAITER) The duck’s for me.
MATT
(To WAITER) Chicken for my wife, steak for me.
WAITER
Chicken for the lady.
PRUE
Thank you so much.
WAITER
And who’s having the steak?
MATT
Me.
He picks up a wine bottle and pours.
Here we are. Frascati for the ladies. And Valpolicella for me.
LAMBERT
And for me. I mean what about me? What did I order? I haven’t the faintest idea. What did I order?
JULIE
Who cares?
LAMBERT
Who cares? I bloody care.
PRUE
Osso Bucco.
LAMBERT
Osso what?
PRUE
Bucco.
MATT
It’s an old Italian dish.
LAMBERT
Well I knew Osso was Italian but I know bugger all about Bucco.
MATT
I didn’t know arsehole was Italian.
LAMBERT
Yes, but on the other hand what’s the Italian for arsehole?
PRUE
Julie, Lambert. Happy anniversary.
MATT
Cheers.
They lift their glasses and drink.
TABLE TWO
RUSSELL
They believe in me.
SUKI
Who do?
RUSSELL
They do. What do you mean, who do? They do.
SUKI
Oh, do they?
RUSSELL
Yes, they believe in me. They reckon me. They’re investing in me. In my nous. They believe in me.
SUKI
Listen. I believe you. Honestly. I do. No really, honestly. I’m sure they believe in you. And they’re right to believe in you. I mean, listen, I want you to be rich, believe me, I want you to be rich so that you can buy me houses and panties and I’ll know that you really love me.
They drink.
RUSSELL
Listen, she was just a secretary. That’s all. No more.
SUKI
Like me.
RUSSELL
What do you mean, like you? She was nothing like you.
SUKI
I was a secretary once.
RUSSELL
She was a scrubber. A scrubber. They’re all the same, these secretaries, these scrubbers. They’re like politicians. They love power. They’ve got a bit of power, they use it. They go home, they get on the phone, they tell their girlfriends, they have a good laugh. Listen to me. I’m being honest. You won’t find many like me. I fell for it. I’ve admitted it. She just twisted me round her little finger.
SUKI
That’s funny. I thought she twisted you round your little finger.
Pause.
RUSSELL
You don’t know what these girls are like. These secretaries.
SUKI
Oh I think I do.
RUSSELL
You don’t.
SUKI
Oh I do.
RUSSELL
What do you mean, you do?
SUKI
I’ve been behind a few filing cabinets.
RUSSELL
What?
SUKI
In my time. When I was a plump young secretary. I know what the back of a filing cabinet looks like.
RUSSELL
Oh do you?
SUKI
Oh yes. Listen. I would invest in you myself if I had any money. Do you know why? Because I believe in you.
RUSSELL
What’s all this about filing cabinets?
SUKI
Oh that was when I was a plump young secretary. I would never do all those things now. Never. Out of the question. You see, the trouble was I was so excitable, their excitement made me so excited, but I would never do all those things now I’m a grown-up woman and not a silly young thing, a silly and dizzy young girl, such a naughty, saucy, flirty, giggly young thing, sometimes I could hardly walk from one filing cabinet to another I was so excited, I was so plump and wobbly it was terrible, men simply couldn’t keep their hands off me, their demands were outrageous, but coming back to more important things, they’re right to believe in you, why shouldn’t they believe in you?
TABLE ONE
JULIE
I’ve always told him. Always. But he doesn’t listen. I tell him all the time. But he doesn’t listen.
PRUE
You mean he just doesn’t listen?
JULIE
I tell him all the time.
PRUE
(To LAMBERT) Why don’t you listen to your wife? She stands by you through thick and thin. You’ve got a loyal wife there and never forget it.
LAMBERT
I’ve got a loyal wife where?
PRUE
Here! At this table.
LAMBERT
I’ve got one under the table, take my tip.
He looks under the table.
Christ. She’s really loyal under the table. Always has been. You wouldn’t believe it.
JULIE
Why don’t you go and buy a new car and drive it into a brick wall?
LAMBERT
She loves me.
MATT
No, she loves new cars.
LAMBERT
With soft leather seats.
MATT
There was a song once.
LAMBERT
How did it go?
MATT
Ain’t she neat?
Ain’t she neat?
As she’s walking up the street.
She’s got a lovely bubbly pair of tits
And a soft leather seat.
LAMBERT
That’s a really beautiful song.
MATT
I’ve always admired that song. You know what it is? It’s a traditional folk song.
LAMBERT
It’s got class.
MATT
It’s got tradition and class.
LAMBERT
They don’t grow on trees.
MATT
Too bloody right.
LAMBERT
Hey Matt!
MATT
What?
LAMBERT picks up the bottle of Valpolicella. It is empty.
LAMBERT
There’s something wrong with this bottle.
MATT turns and calls.
MATT
Waiter!
TABLE TWO
RUSSELL
All right. Tell me. Do you think I have a nice character?
SUKI
Yes I think you do. I think you do. I mean I think you do. Well … I mean … I think you could have quite a nice character but the trouble is that when you come down to it you haven’t actually got any character to begin with – I mean as such, that’s the thing.
RUSSELL
As such?
SUKI
Yes, the thing is you haven’t really got any character at all, have you? As such. Au fond. But I wouldn’t worry about it. For example look at me. I don’t have any character either. I’m just a reed. I’m just a reed in the wind. Aren’t I? You know I am. I’m just a reed in the wind.
RUSSELL
You’re a whore.
SUKI
A whore in the wind.
RUSSELL
With the wind blowing up your skirt.
SUKI
That’s right. How did you know? How did you know the sensation? I didn’t know that men could possibly know about that kind of thing. I mean men don’t wear skirts. So I didn’t think men could possibly know what it was like when the wind blows up a girl’s skirt. Because men don’t wear skirts.
RUSSELL
You’re a prick.
SUKI
Not quite.
RUSSELL
You’re a prick.
SUKI
Good gracious. Am I really?
RUSSELL
Yes. That’s what you are really.
SUKI
Am I really?
RUSSELL
Yes. That’s what you are really.
TABLE ONE
LAMBERT
What’s that other song you know? The one you said was a classic.
MATT
Wash me in the water
Where you washed your dirty daughter.
LAMBERT
That’s it. (To JULIE) Know that one?
JULIE
It’s not in my repertoire, darling.
LAMBERT
This is the best restaurant in town. That’s what they say.
MATT
That’s what they say.
LAMBERT
This is a piss-up dinner. Do you know how much money I made last year?
MATT
I know this is a piss-up dinner.
LAMBERT
It is a piss-up dinner.
PRUE
(To JULIE) His mother always hated me. The first time she saw me she hated me. She never gave me one present in the whole of her life. Nothing. She wouldn’t give me the drippings off her nose.
JULIE
I know.
PRUE
The drippings off her nose. Honestly.
JULIE
All mothers-in-law are like that. They love their sons. They love their boys. They don’t want their sons to be fucked by other girls. Isn’t that right?
PRUE
Absolutely. All mothers want their sons to be fucked by themselves.
JULIE
By their mothers.
PRUE
All mothers –
LAMBERT
All mothers want to be fucked by their mothers.
MATT
Or by themselves.
PRUE
No, you’ve got it the wrong way round.
LAMBERT
How’s that?
MATT
All mothers want to be fucked by their sons.
LAMBERT
Now wait a minute –
MATT
My point is –
LAMBERT
No my point is – how old do you have to be?
JULIE
To be what?
LAMBERT
To be fucked by your mother.
MATT
Any age, mate. Any age.
They all drink.
LAMBERT
How did you enjoy your dinner, darling?
JULIE
I wasn’t impressed.
LAMBERT
You weren’t impressed?
JULIE
No.
LAMBERT
I bring her to the best caff in town – spending a fortune – and she’s not impressed.
MATT
Don’t forget this is your anniversary. That’s why we’re here.
LAMBERT
What anniversary?
PRUE
It’s your wedding anniversary.
LAMBERT
All I know is this is the most expensive fucking restaurant in town and she’s not impressed.
RICHARD comes to the table.
RICHARD
Good evening.
MATT
Good evening.
PRUE
Good evening.
JULIE
Good evening.
LAMBERT
Good evening, Richard. How you been?
RICHARD
Very very well. Been to a play?
MATT
No. The ballet.
RICHARD
Oh the ballet? What was it?
LAMBERT
That’s a fucking good question.
MATT
It’s unanswerable.
RICHARD
Good, was it?
LAMBERT
Unbelievable.
JULIE
What ballet?
MATT
None of them could reach the top notes. Could they?
RICHARD
Good dinner?
MATT
Fantastic.
LAMBERT
Top notch. Gold plated.
PRUE
Delicious.
LAMBERT
My wife wasn’t impressed.
RICHARD
Oh really?
JULIE
I liked the wait
er.
RICHARD
Which one?
JULIE
The one with the fur-lined jockstrap.
LAMBERT
He takes it off for breakfast.
JULIE
Which is more than you do.
RICHARD
Well how nice to see you all.
PRUE
She wasn’t impressed with her food. It’s true. She said so. She thought it was dry as dust. She said – what did you say darling? – she’s my sister – she said she could cook better than that with one hand stuffed between her legs – she said – no, honestly – she said she could make a better sauce than the one on that plate if she pissed into it. Don’t think she was joking – she’s my sister, I’ve known her all my life, all my life, since we were little innocent girls, all our lives, when we were babies, when we used to lie in the nursery and hear mummy beating the shit out of daddy. We saw the blood on the sheets the next day – when nanny was in the pantry – my sister and me – and nanny was in the pantry – and the pantry maid was in the larder and the parlour maid was in the laundry room washing the blood out of the sheets. That’s how my little sister and I were brought up and she could make a better sauce than yours if she pissed into it.
MATT
Well, it’s lovely to be here, I’ll say that.
LAMBERT
Lovely to be here.
JULIE
Lovely. Lovely.
MATT
Really lovely.
RICHARD
Thank you.
PRUE stands and goes to RICHARD.
PRUE
Can I thank you? Can I thank you personally? I’d like to thank you myself, in my own way.
RICHARD
Well thank you.
PRUE
No no, I’d really like to thank you in a very personal way.
JULIE
She’d like to give you her personal thanks.
PRUE
Will you let me kiss you? I’d like to kiss you on the mouth?
JULIE
That’s funny. I’d like to kiss him on the mouth too.
She stands and goes to him.
Because I’ve been maligned, I’ve been misrepresented. I never said I didn’t like your sauce. I love your sauce.
PRUE
We can’t both kiss him on the mouth at the same time.
LAMBERT
You could tickle his arse with a feather.
RICHARD
Well I’m so glad. I’m really glad. See you later I hope.
He goes. PRUE and JULIE sit.
Silence.
MATT
Charming man.
LAMBERT
That’s why this is the best and most expensive restaurant in the whole of Europe – because he insists upon proper standards, he insists that standards are maintained with the utmost rigour, you get me? That standards are maintained up to the highest standards. up to the very highest fucking standards –
MATT
He doesn’t jib.
LAMBERT
Jib? Of course he doesn’t jib – it would be more than his life was worth. He jibs at nothing!