PLAY
Life is a hallway
Meant to be explored
One barely head-sized hole at a time
CAT ADAGE
NUDGE
Nudge
Nudge nudge nudge
Nudge nudge nudge nudge nudge nudge
Nudge
Your glass just shattered on the floor
TINY BOXES
Tiny boxes
Play and hide
Tiny boxes
Squeeze inside
Tiny boxes
Oozy here
Tiny boxes
Paw in ear
Tiny boxes
Stuck
STUCK
STUCK!!!
Tiny boxes
Little help?
KITTEN
HOLY [censored], THAT BALL CAN BOUNCE!
GET THE [deleted] OUT OF HERE,
THIS STRING IS GREAT!
SON OF A [removed], I CAN RUN SO FAST!
NO [banned] WAY, I JUST BROKE THAT PLATE!
WHAT THE [edited], DID YOU SEE ME JUMP?!
WELL [forbidden] ME, I’M CAUGHT IN A JAR
MOTHER [bleep], I SHOWED THAT LAMP!
OH [cut] NO, THERE GOES YOUR GUITAR!
UN-[denied]-BELIEVABLE,
I CAN CLIMB YOUR LEGS!
NO [blocked] LIE,
I CAN DISTRESS YOUR FLOOR!
FOR [erased] SAKES, ISN’T MY LIFE GRAND?!
SO [censored] SAD I’M A KITTEN
FOR JUST SIX MONTHS MORE!
SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE DOGS
Some of my best friends are dogs
We talk about dog things
Some of my cat friends don’t get it
We laugh at their fear
The dogs see me as one of their own
True, they don’t like it when I bark
Or play dead
Or chew their toys
Or sniff their butts
But we’re cool
Some of my best friends are dogs
I just thought you should know
THEN ALL WENT DARK
I’M BLIND!
Oh wait, I’m not
I’M BLIND!
No, my vision is clear
I’M BLIND!
But now I see you
I’M BLIND!
And there you are again.
I’M BLIND!
What is going… Wait,
is that your hand over my eyes?
THAT TOP SHELF
I think I can jump to that top shelf
I want to jump to that top shelf
I know I can jump to that top shelf
I am jumping to that top shelf
I missed that top shelf by a good six feet
And now everything is on the floor
And I’m left wondering
Why people even bother buying china
If it breaks so easily
THE WORLD OUTSIDE MY HOUSE
In the world outside my house
The mice jump in your mouth
And birds serve themselves in butter
Rather than fly south
In the world outside my house
The sun is a laser light
Each cloud a snuggly blanket
And the doors are not shut tight
In the world outside my house
All the trees they dangle string
The flowers brush from head to tail
And the neutered cat is king
In the world outside my house
I can never go
But as an indoor cat I know these things
Because the dog does tell me so
MOST AMUSING
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Hahahahahahahaha
Haha Haha Ha
That dog is wearing a sweater
MY TAIL
If my tail is curved then I am at ease
If it is tucked then do what you please
If it is to one side then I’m free for the night
If it is fluffed then I simply can’t deal
If it swishes then it’s about to get real
If it is erect then for you I give thanks
If it is gone then I’m probably Manx
If it grabs food then you’re petting a monkey
You should probably walk away right now
ELEGY FOR A TOY I BROKE
You no longer jingle
You no longer roll
You no longer do anything
Since I had to see what made you work
I can’t deal with all this guilt
I can’t express my deep, deep grief
I can’t believe what a cheap piece of crap you were
Seriously, I hardly touched you before
you broke
MEOW
Meow
Meow meow meow
Meow meow
Meow meow MEOW!
Well?
Why aren’t you laughing?
Sigh
I must have told the joke wrong
SUSHI
Did you really think
That you could hide fish in rice?
Oh, the green paste burns!
A CAT LIKE ME
I didn’t know you had a second sofa
I didn’t know you had a second TV
I didn’t know you had a second cat
One who looks just like me
I didn’t know you had another living room
I didn’t know you decorated it just the same
I don’t like this twin cat
staring back at me
Well, two can play at that game
I don’t know why I can’t get into
that other living room
I try and try but can’t get through
I don’t know why you yell at me
not to scratch the mirror
When that twin cat is doing it, too
THIS. WILL. NEVER. END.
It’s been four days since we started
It’s been three days since you ate
It’s been two days since your boss called
And fired you for being late
But you’re the one who did this
The one who put the feather on the string
The one who waved it for me to play
The one who made my heart just sing
So welcome to your eternity
KUBLA KAT
On the edge of a laughing teacup
Did Kubla Kat decree
That the corn fritter festooned with medals
Shall make the brownies free
And so the walls turned to water
To let our sorrows drown
As the chairs burned themselves for warmth
So they need not face the clown
Then the spoons burst into song
And all the forks they understood
As I stared at my now talking claws
Because this catnip is just that good
CHAPTER 4
EXISTENCE
Everything I do you hate
Is pure instinct
Everything I do you love
Is pure me
CAT APHORISM
SELF-AFFIRMATION
I am intelligent
I am attractive
I am powerful
I am proactive
I have value
I have health
I have strength
I have stealth
I am surrounded by love
I am a beacon of hope
I-HORKFLAKGLORKSPUKE
…
That was a hairball
And I am a cat
And what just happened
I am fine with that
NATURE’S WAY
The leaf twirls gently
to the dry ground
The flake tumbles lightly
to the snowy mound
The lightning falls mightily
to the earth with a crash
And I plummet sleepily
from the fridge to the trash.
Such is nature’s way
JUST THE TWO OF US
There is nothing like long
Direct
Intense
Awkward
Unfortunate
Eye contact
To help us see
That maybe you put my litter box
Too close to your favorite chair
I’M NOT PARANOID
I’m not touching my food because
there’s a pill in it
I’m not having that treat because
there’s a pill in it
I’m not going near your hand because
there’s a pill in it
I’m not playing with that toy because
there’s a pill in it
I’m not going into that room because
there’s a pill in it
I’m not sleeping on that couch because
there’s a pill in it
I’m not looking at the sky because
there’s a pill up there
I’m not doing anything because
there’s a pill everywhere
You may think I’m paranoid
You may think I’m rather nuts
But you’re not going to fool me twice
And besides, I think I can cure
hookworm with my mind
GIVE
You can’t hold someone who
wants to leave
You can’t clutch a memory
as if it were today
You can’t take an insult
close to heart
You can’t grasp for glory
from your chair
You can’t seize life
thinking only of loss
And you can’t grab a laser pointer dot
on the wall
No matter how much you try
These hard-earned truths I give to you
SIAMESE
What’s the longest you can hum
before they say you’ve gone insane?
What’s the difference between a street,
an avenue, and a lane?
Have you ever told an ethnic joke
and insulted a nearby ghost?
Have you ever wondered what happened
to “Happy Days” star Donny Most?
If a hurricane were named “Mortimer,”
would anyone run away?
If a toaster were brought to life,
would it clean its own crumb tray?
Why don’t leprechauns use their gold
to pay off their student loans?
Why don’t ninjas ever forget
to silence their cell phones?
I know many people think
that Siamese are way too chatty
I know they all think we just
talk and talk and talk
But you’re wide awake in bed
just staring at the ceiling
So maybe you could tell me
why not whiteboard and black chalk?
COLD
This table is cold
That hand is cold
The needle is cold
The stethoscope is cold
The doctor is cold
The nurse is cold
This room is cold
The only thing that’s warm
Is the puddle of urine
I made on the vet’s notes
EVERYONE
Everyone has restless leg syndrome
Everyone has slipped, or fell
Everyone suffers from depression
And bladder dysfunction as well
Everyone should sue their doctor
Everyone can’t sleep at night
Everyone can’t do the simplest task
When filmed in black and white
Everyone must buy insurance
Everyone owes the taxman pay
Everything looks so bleak and hopeless
Since you left the TV on
to keep me company all day
BIGGER CAT
I’m not fat, I’m big-boned
I’m not fat, I’m a bigger breed
I’m not fat, it’s just more hair
I’m not fat, it’s just more muscle
I’m not fat, it’s only winter weight
I’m not fat, it’s only a trick of the eye
I’m not the reason you threw out your back
But the next time you lift me,
do so with your knees
NECTAR OF THE GODS
Lap, lap, lap
Savor the oak
Lick, lick, lick
The sweet fruit delights
Slurp, slurp, slurp
So delicate in structure
Gulp, gulp, gulp
So complex in nature
Oh, I didn’t know water
could taste like this
Oh, I didn’t know the sink faucet
was such bliss
Oh, I can’t believe all those years
I did piss
Away drinking that swill you serve
in my bowl
I’M SO MAD I COULD
What do you think you—
How could you treat me like—
Don’t you dare turn on that—
Oh hell it’s torture in all this—
AUGH! AUGH! It’s going in my—
How could you do such a cruel—
Don’t you dare put me in—
I’m going to kill you right—
Let me just scratch your eye with my—
Stop interrupting me with your—
Will this nightmare ever—
Oh, it’s over
Okay then
But this is the last time
you’re ever giving me a bath
NO
I know what “No” means
I know what you said
I know you said “No”
I heard you every time
I know you screamed, “Don’t break it”
I know you shouted, “Don’t do that,
you hear?”
But I don’t know why
You’re upset it’s now broken
When I know for a fact
You didn’t say, “No don’t do that”
The seventh time I smacked it
When your head was turned
MAN’S BEST FRIEND
Why is the dog man’s best friend?
Because I don’t greet you at the door?
Because I don’t wave my tail when you leave?
Because I don’t play catch or fetch?
Because I don’t do a single trick?
Because I don’t beg for your attention?
Because I don’t answer when you call?
Well, I also don’t watch you having sex
And let’s just say the dog talks
I MISS ME
I miss my special sunny place
I miss my head pressed against your face
I miss the carpet rub against my paws
I miss the sofa tug at my claws
I miss skidding across the kitchen floor
I miss yowling at your bedroom door
I miss lying on my windowsill
I miss refusing to take my pill
I miss my family, my home, your sweater
I even miss that worthless Irish Setter
I miss everything that once was me
Before I climbed this stupid tree
CUTE BED JUMP
Cute bed jump
See yes yes
No don’t door
Ball ball couch
Yes chin ear
Got tail tail
Run food skid
I’m just three
Weeks old and
Not good with
Man talk yet
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
M
y deepest thanks to Emily Haynes, Scott Mendel, Emily Dubin, Becca Cohen, Emilie Sandoz and the fantastic people at Chronicle Books who made all this possible and let me keep the word “Pee” in the title.
And a very loud “Thank You!” for all the love and support from Mom, Dad, Marcello, Kim Lofgren, Ari Jaffe, Lena Verkhovsky, Maryanne Ventrice, Dan Piraro, “Alspaugh” and every cat who somehow managed to use a keyboard without typing “Thustewje cdtfxjhsyt kshs” for 120 pages.
FRANCESCO MARCIULIANO writes the comic strip Sally Forth, which runs in 700 newspapers (and the webcomic Medium Large, which does not). He was Head Writer for the Emmy Award-winning children’s show SeeMore’s Playhouse and has written for Onion News Network, Smosh.com, McSweeneys, and The New York International Fringe Festival. It took him over 30 years to learn how to spell his entire name correctly.
Text copyright © 2012 by FRANCESCO MARCIULIANO.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.
ISBN 978-1-4521-1058-5 (digital)
The Library of Congress has cataloged the previous edition as follows:
Marciuliano, Francesco.
I could pee on this, and other poems by cats / by Francesco Marciuliano. p. cm.
ISBN 978-1-4521-1058-5
1. Cats—Poetry. I. Title.
PS3613.A7348C68 2012
811’.6—dc23
2011053152
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