Dedicated in loving memory to
Boris and Natasha,
two unforgettable cats
who I had the great fortune
to call family
Contents
Introduction
Chapter 1: Family
Chapter 2: Work
Chapter 3: Play
Chapter 4: Existence
Acknowledgments
INTRODUCTION
For thousands of years, cats have strived to express to humans what it means to be feline. They have tried body language, plaintive meowing, even a filmmaking style best described as “fallen camera nudged across floor until forgotten or smeared with saliva.” And for thousands of years, we humans have witnessed this unending struggle for true emotional and spiritual connection and said, “Wook at that wittle furry face! Wook at that wittle furry face! Who’s got a wittle furry face? You’ve got a wittle furry face!”
But now, through the power of poetry and a publishing contract, cats everywhere can fully welcome people into their hearts, minds, and souls. Within these very pages, you’ll find poems penned by cats that reveal their every desire, their every conflict, and their every epiphany. You’ll also discover why cats do things like put their whole paw in your glass and then look at you as if you’ve never had a date over for wine before. Seriously, their whole paw. Like they think it’s easy to get cabernet out of orange tabby.
In fact, by the time you’ve finished reading this poetry anthology, you’ll not only completely understand everything your cat thinks and does but even applaud him for it. Maybe give him a medal. Or throw him a parade in your hallway, making sure to avoid staircases so all the tiny floats don’t tumble down. Or you can just sit your cat down, look him straight in the eyes and say, “I get it. I really do get it… furry face.”
CHAPTER 1
FAMILY
Sometimes when I lie on your warm chest And hear your every happy sigh I gaze into your two kind eyes And wonder, “Who is that?”
CAT EPIGRAM
I COULD PEE ON THIS
Her new sweater doesn’t smell of me
I could pee on that
She’s gone out for the day and left her laptop on the counter
I could pee on that
Her new boyfriend just pushed my head away
I could pee on him
She’s ignoring me ignoring her
I could pee everywhere
She’s making up for it by putting me on her lap
I could pee on this
I could pee on this
I LICK YOUR NOSE
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you’re up? Feed me
CLOSED DOOR
LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN
LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN
LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN
LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN
LET ME IN LET ME I-
Oh, uh, hello
I did not expect an answer
I did not expect an entrance
I did not expect this room to be so unbelievably dull
So, uh, goodbye
WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING?
Why are you screaming?
What did I do wrong?
Why are you crying?
How can I make it right?
Would you like it in a different color?
Would you like it in a different size?
Would you like it in a different room?
I just wanted to show my love
I just wanted to express my thanks
I just wanted to put a dead mouse on your sheets
But now you are screaming
And I don’t know how to make you stop
WHO IS THAT ON YOUR LAP?
There’s another cat in the house
A cat I’ve never seen
A much younger cat
You seem to know her name
You accidentally called me by her name
Right in front of the lamp
And my friend the throw pillow
I’ve never been so humiliated
I may never love again
SEPARATION
You can have the CDs,
I will take the string
You can have the TV,
I will take this fuzzy thing
You can have the kitchen set,
I will take this crumpled foil
You can have the car,
I will keep this rug I soil
You can have the beach house,
I will take this tissue box
You can have everything,
Ooo I want those dirty socks
You can go to hell, I will see to that
For how dare you come home
smelling of another cat?
SOMETHING’S WRONG
Something’s wrong
Why are the walls a different color?
Something’s not right
When did we get these stairs?
Something’s off
How did the kitchen move across the floor?
Something’s going on
Who changed all the homes outside?
Something’s very odd
Why are you mispronouncing “Georgia” as “New York”?
Something happened
When you put me in that carrying case
And someday soon
I will figure it out
I knead your chest with my sharp claws
To show you my affection
I bite your arm and don’t let go
To show you adoration
I walk across your throat at night
Because I want to say, “Hello!”
I leap from high upon your crotch
Because I miss you so
I trip you when you walk down the stairs
So you know I’m always near
I sit on your face and block all your air
So my absence you need not fear
I show my love in so many ways
My devotion runneth over
So I don’t know why when I approach
You duck and run for cover
BROTHERS
They say we are brothers though
we look nothing alike
They say we are family though
we differ so much
I am tabby, you are brown
I am long, you are short
I am thin, you are stout
I am lively, you are shy
I am a kitten, you are a hamster
But kin is kin
So let me run on your wheel
O CHRISTMAS TREE
O please
O come on
0 like you didn’t know
What you were getting for Christmas
Before I ripped open all your gifts
0 by the way
The tree looks better on its side
0 I really do think so
THE LEASH
Don’t put that thing around my neck
Don’t take me out the front door
Don’t show me off in the park
Don’t drag me into every store
Don’t smile when people stop and stare
Don’t sit outside and talk on the phone
Don’t walk me all over this damn town
Then wonder why you’re still alone
SERIOUSLY
Seriously?
Seriously?!
SERIOUSLY?!
If I took YOU to the doctor
I would make damn sure
You came back with both of them
Down there
Now if you’ll exc
use me
I’m going to look forlornly out a window
For like eighteen years
Eighteen looooooooong years
Seriously?!
FOREVER
I could lie by your side for the rest
of our lives
I think I’ll walk away right now
I could let you pet me for
a hundred years
I think we need some time apart
I could be kissed a thousand
thousand times
I think I’m needed somewhere else
I could sit on your lap forever
I said I could sit on your lap forever
Don’t you even think of trying to get up
Well, you should have gone
to the bathroom beforehand
Because forever is a very, very long time
THIS IS MY CHAIR
This is my chair
This is my couch
That is my bed
That is my bench
There is my chaise
There is my settee
Those are my footstools
Those are my rugs
Everywhere is my place to sleep
Perhaps you should just get a hotel room
MY LIFE IS RUINED
That was just for you
That was just our little joke
So we could share a little laugh
Just the two of us alone
But you took that special moment
You posted it online
Now forty million people think
I bark like a dog
And so I hide under the covers
Cursing your very name
Saying you better get a good lawyer
Or me a great agent
CHAPTER 2
WORK
Twenty-four hours in a day
But I’m only up for three of them
And two I consider overtime
CAT PROVERB
I LICK
I lick my neck, I lick my chest
I lick my back to look my best
I lick my paw to wash my face
I lift my leg to lick that place
I lick my tail, I lick my belly
I lick my back or did I do that already?
I lick my tail, maybe once more
Oh what the hell, let’s make it four
I lick my neck in case I forgot
Did I lick my chest? Well, I missed a spot
I lick my face, my leg, my tail, my face
I relick my belly and then, yes, my face
I lick all the time, I’m so soil-free
Seems the only thing I can’t lick is my OCD
YOUR KEYBOARD
Suetdhe8defdisjas
I just typed a poem in your presentation
Chsothekstevdswdj
I just typed a joke in your email
Nosyd76mhdlwdag
I just typed something personal
on your update
Vos7swps8s73wbk
I just typed my political views
in your tweet
Bhst9ahw-2ynsyhz
I just accidentally typed in
your bank account password
Kitty’s gonna buy himself
a new scratching post
ONE DAY
One day words I shall talk
One day on my hind legs I shall walk
One day your books I shall read
One day I shall dress in your finest tweed
And on that day when I talk and walk
When I know the facts
and look stunning in slacks
When I am your equal
and not under your command
I shall stride right up and fully demand,
“Can you get my favorite fuzzy toy
from under the bed?
It’s been there for like a week,
and I can’t reach it”
BUSY, BUSY
It’s 8A.M. and time to rest
It’s 10A.M. and time to relax
It’s noon and time for repose
It’s 3P.M. and time for shut-eye
It’s 6P.M. and time for siesta
It’s 9P.M. and time to slumber
It’s midnight and time to snooze
It’s 4A.M. and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
SCRATCH
Scratch Scratch Scratch
Scratch Scratch Scratch
Scratch Scratch
Scratch
There
It is done
Now gaze upon your sofa leg
And see an exact replica
of Rodin’s The Thinker
I mean, if you look at it
from just the right angle
Anyway, on to my next masterpiece—
Turning your curtains into confetti
Really, I should have
my own gallery show
TALK TO ME
Tell me about your day
Tell me about your dreams
Tell me about the girl you adore
The one who smiles but walks away
Tell me your greatest fears
Tell me your biggest secrets
Tell me your most cherished moments
The ones that light your darkest days
Tell me why things don’t work out
Tell me why stuff gets in the way
Tell me why it stops you cold
The one thought you can’t let go
Lie on the couch and talk to me
Open your mind and bare yourself
Because I think I finally figured out
how to bill you
And I’m about to make a fortune
DID YOU KNOW
Did you know?
Did you see?
Did you count?
How many times
I had to smack that moth
On your forehead
With my paw?
It was like a thousand
He’s dead now, though
Definitely dead
One more smack
You’re welcome
NINE LIVES
The first life is for running
The second life is for staring
The third life is for climbing
The fourth life is for tearing
The fifth life is for sleeping
The sixth life is for sleeping
The seventh life is for sleeping
The eighth life is for sleeping
The ninth life is for writing my memoirs
I RUN
I run across the room
I race across the floor
I dash to this wall
I thought I saw something
I forgot what it was
Now everyone is staring at me
So I run back across the room
I race back across the floor
I dash back to that other wall
So everyone will think
I’m just running laps
TRIPPED
I’m sorry I tripped you in the hall
I’m sorry I tripped you in the den
I’m sorry I tripped you in the bedroom
I’m sorry I tripped you in the kitchen
I’m sorry I tripped you in the attic
I’m sorry I tripped you in the basement
I’m sorry I tripped you out the door
I’m sorry I tripped you on hard cement
But some men paid me five grand to kill you
WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER
I cleaned the floor
With your sweater back and forth
I cleared the table
With a few whips of my tail
I dusted your shelves
Of all the knickknacks you kept
I made your bed
Smell a lot more like me
I’m here to help
I wan
t to do my part
After all, we’re all in this together
CALL ME
You can
Gall me
“Muffins”
All you want
But ‘til
You add
“Sir”
At the start
I’m not turning my head
CHICKEN AND RICE
Chicken and rice for the first day
Chicken and rice for the second day
Chicken and rice for the third day
Chicken and rice for the fourth day
Chicken and rice for the fifth day
Chicken and rice for the sixth day
Lamb and rice today
And just like that my world crumbles
AND NOW WE KNOW
Nine-hundred-and-ninety-five
I’m doing this for you
Nine-hundred-and-ninety-six
So please don’t interrupt
Nine-hundred-and-ninety-seven
I’m just keeping them honest
Nine-hundred-and-ninety-eight
So please do take note
Nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine
And now thanks to me we all know
There really were one thousand sheets
in this toilet paper roll
KNEEL BEFORE ME
In ancient Egypt
We cats were gods
We ruled the heavens
We reigned on earth
So kneel before me
I said come to me
Uh, listen to me
How about just a treat then?
Okay, maybe a toy
Some crumpled paper would do
I’m not picky
Well, can you at least scratch
behind my ear?
Can you at least do that?
Oh
Oh yes
You serve your master well
CHAPTER 3