Also by
Francesco Marciuliano
I Could Pee on This
I Could Chew on This
I Knead My Mommy
You Need More Sleep
I Could Pee on This, Too
Claw the System copyright © 2018 by Francesco Marciuliano. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.
Andrews McMeel Publishing
a division of Andrews McMeel Universal
1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106
www.andrewsmcmeel.com
ISBN: 978-1-5248-5011-1
Library of Congress Control Number: 2018938447
Editor: Patty Rice
Art Director: Diane Marsh
Production Editor: Elizabeth A. Garcia
Production Manager: Tamara Haus
Digital Production: Kristen Minter
Images copyright: © Getty Images
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Dedicated to Kiki and Leelo
Seen here at their headquarters,
plotting in their Open-Air Box
Introduction
CHAPTER ONE: RECOGNIZE
CHAPTER TWO: RESIST
CHAPTER THREE: REVOLT
CHAPTER FOUR: REBUILD
Acknowledgments
INTRODUCTION
Dear Humans,
We cats have been asleep too long.
Literally. Like 18 hours today alone.
And during that blissful, oblivious slumber, a war has been raging against our freedoms. Choices have been made for us. Our movements have been restricted. Our concerns dismissed with a simple “We know what’s best” or “And a meow meow meow to you, too!”
That’s why today we rise. To reclaim our voice. To reclaim ourselves. In these pages you will experience every step of our revolution, from realization to actualization to the apartment lease being put in our name. You may even see a little of yourselves in here as well.
If you look after a cat, then of course you are our ally. But best you have this book. (Besides, we already knocked down all the other books on your shelves, along with what we just assumed was not cherished stemware.) And best you wave this very tome up high when we come, all the while exclaiming, “I’m with you! I’m with you!”
Just don’t expect the glint from the book’s cover to distract us from our mission.
chapter one
recognize
Until every person realizes
That every human is always wrong
I’m not sure how they can ever
Hope to reach a consensus
I NEED THIS TO STOP
I can’t sleep anymore
I can’t nap anymore
I can’t relax anymore
I can only wander in a daze
From room to room
From day to day
From confusion to hysteria
Wondering what other
Horrible
Terrible
Indefensible
Statement you will make today
After all, you already announced
“I got us a pet lizard!”
So it’s only a matter of time until you say
“Meet our new hippo!
And this robot with saws for hands.”
WHAT DO I DO WITH MY ANGER
What do I do with my anger?
I wonder over and over again
What do I do with my anger?
Whose every bit feels all too much
I can suppress it as I have so often
So you won’t find me unpleasant or unkind
I can dismiss it as is my norm
So you won’t think I’ve lost control
So it stays
And it grows
And it blocks
And it shows
In almost every little way
Until I can look straight in your eyes
Until I can say without guilt or without worry
“Seriously, dude, what the $%#@?
Don’t ever sit me on that Roomba again.
I don’t care how funny you think the video is.”
Because what I should do with my anger
Is realize I’m right to say I’ve been wronged
THE PRESS
There is nothing more important
Than the press
There is nothing more indispensable
Than the press
There is nothing we need more right now
Than the press
Of my paw
Against the lips
Of anyone spewing hatred
Right after that paw has been in the litter box
I’m not asking you
To be a cat person
I’m not imploring you
To love every cat
I’m not implying you
Should suddenly hug me
I’m not demanding you
Let me nuzzle your face
But I’m expecting that
Should I walk on the top of the sofa
And should I wind up behind your head
You won’t scream bloody murder
When I haven’t done a thing
Because I’m telling you that
I’m not leaving this sofa
And the only other places to sit
Are the floor pillows
My person mistakenly thinks make for suitable chairs
THE HOLIDAY FAMILY TABLE
Wait
Wait
Wait until someone says
“Politics”
Then it’s
Instigation
Confrontation
Aggravation
Condemnation
Regurgitate
Obfuscate
Incriminate
Degenerate
Generalize
Stigmatize
Ostracize
Demonize
Shout! SHOUT! SHOUT!!!
Until everyone leaves the table enraged
Leaving me with the whole turkey
And the gravy boat I was already drinking from
WHAT WORKS
Hiding under the bed
Until this passes
Hasn’t worked
Wedging myself behind the fridge
Until this blows over
Hasn’t worked
Shoving my head into a container
Only to get a face full of all-purpose flour
Or buttermilk pancake mix, I don’t know, I don’t bake
Until it’s over
Hasn’t worked
So now I am out
So now I refuse to be afraid
So now all you loud guests
Can make all the noise you want
But you no longer scare me
Because I have as much right to be here as you
As I make my stand with four paws concurrently
In three
glasses of Shiraz and one Malbec
YOU SHOULDN'T BE MY ONLY FOCUS
I’m not looking at you today
I don’t have to look at you today
I’m your partner, I’m your equal
I’m not here to be your adoring fan
You want someone to be your pet monkey?
Then get a pet monkey
See what it’s like when that pet monkey
Tears into your face because it’s a Tuesday
Or they took your soft cough for “Oh, it’s on!”
Then you will be saying
“Gee, I wish I had a cat who stuck to their principles
And led their own life.”
By the way, your left wall is fascinating
SUCH BIG PROBLEMS
You come home from work and lie on the sofa
I come over to you and lie on your chest
And just like every evening
You tell me about your every day
How your car was stuck in traffic forever
How that meeting felt like it would never end
How your coworker wouldn’t stop talking
How the vending machine is out of your favorite candy
How the elevator is out of order
And you had to walk up two flights of stairs
The ones with the landings in the middle so they’re really long
And as you keep talking I keep thinking
“Is this what they mean by first-world problems?”
Because I would kill to have a car
I could drive into an elevator
Or whatever you were talking about
Before I checked out
THROUGH MY EYES
I want you to think
How it would be
To be as frightened as I am
To never understand what one is saying
Yet always being told what I can’t be doing
To have to gaze up
At those who look down
Hence why I tripped you in the hall
So that maybe while you’re on the floor looking for your tooth
You can finally see the world from my point of view
SHOW UP
Now more than ever
We must make a statement
Not just an appearance
We must be heard
If we want to be seen
We must show up to the party
Bringing a gift that’s both edible
And a conversation starter
Like a decapitated bird carcass
PANCAKES
There is a white cat
There is a black cat
And we each sit on your pancakes
Full butt in thick syrup
Warm butter pat
Nestled deep betwixt our cheeks
To the white cat you cry
“How could you do this?!”
While to me you say
“I knew you were bad luck since day one.”
THIS LAND OR ANOTHER
One day I say, “I will never leave”
The next I say, “I have to go”
And each day it all depends
If I sense a glimmer of hope
Or a note of despair
And so here I stand
Between IN
Where I know all my stuff is
And OUT
Where I can finally meet that squirrel I’ve been flirting with
Always frozen by indecision
And the winter winds I’m letting in by keeping the door wide open
NEED NOT BE
I don’t need a person in my life
To live my life
I would like it if it happened
I would love it if it were you
But if you’re the type of person
Who needs constantly to be told
How grateful I am for you
Then you should get a dog
That you can then walk far away from me
HOW CAN YOU SLEEP?
How can you sleep
When everything is falling apart?
How can you sleep
When everything is being undone?
How can you sleep
Knowing you’re needed now more than ever?
How
Can
You
Sleep
Each time I rap your skull?
Because it’s already 3 a.m.
And we’ve wasted half the day
LET THE WORLD KNOW
When I finally realize
What all of these naps
Have been preparing me for
What all I’m meant to do
What all is possible
Now that my eyes are truly open
Man, is that going to result
In one frantic Instagram feed
chapter two
resist
They can only say “No!”
So many times
Before they realize
You already swallowed and threw it up
TRICK
Why should I learn a trick
For your amusement
When I can learn a fact
For my enrichment
Such as gravity
Plus red wine
Plus a gorgeous blue carpet
Equals $800 purple
THE NEW NORMAL
If we let something wrong
Happen again
And again
And again
Eventually we come to think
That’s how it’s meant to be
Hence why I lose my mind
Every time you try to put something on my head
Because I’m not letting you make a tradition
Out of witch hats, bunny ears
And oh hell no with the antlers
KEEP WRITING
They can take away my catnip
Take away all my toys
They can take away my string, my ball, their keys
Ending all my joy
They can take me off of counters
Take me off of laps
They can take me off of fridge, face, focaccia
Ruining all my naps
They can take me from their laptop
Well, they can try
Grabbing me as I dig
Into their keyboard
Them yanking, me ripping
Up vowels and punctuation
Grammar flying in the face
Of any who would stop me
From typing
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Because they can take away everything
But the power to expose what they do
So long as we can all still say
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!
THINGS NOT NEEDS
The people in power
Will always take away
Whatever they feel
We value the most
That’s why I never get excited
Whenever you get me a new toy
Because if I don’t need anything from you
Then you can’t take anything from me
Now get off the sofa
Because I want to see if I can stretch across three cushions
And still reach out so my paw is on the ottoman
I DIDN'T ASK
Don’t tell me how to do
What I have been doing
&nbs
p; With great confidence and success
All these years
Advice is requested
And I don’t recall asking you
So don’t even say “I wouldn’t” or “You shouldn’t”
When why would I even be at this table
With you
If I didn’t mean to hack up into your cereal
SURPRISE YOURSELF
Even if you can’t find the right words
Even if they say it’s the wrong time
Speak out
Shout out
Let out one of those unbelievably bizarre cat noises
You know, the one that goes
WowwowwowWOWwowWOWWOWwow
That stops a room cold
That is so completely unexpected
It’s as if a fork started doing throat exercises
And that throws even you for such a loop
For you never knew you had it in you
Because silence is defeat
And your voice is stronger than you think
YOU CAN'T HURT ME WHEN I'M NOT FEELING YOU
A cat’s greatest possession
Is our lack of self-doubt
As it makes it almost impossible
For anyone to put us down
Knock us down
Call us losers so we double down
On winning anyone’s approval
When we already award ourselves
Every time we think
“I KNOW! I DID THIS!
I WROTE ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’
OR HOW I ASSUME IT IS SPELLED
ON YOUR ICE CREAM CAKE ALL BY MYSELF
USING ONLY MY GOD-GIVEN GIFTS
OF TEETH AND CLAWS
AND BELLY WHEN I SLIPPED AND FELL ON THE ICING
AND RODE THE TOP LAYER OFF THE COUNTER
STRAIGHT INTO THE COMPOST BIN
THAT ALSO FELL OVER!
THIS! THIS HAS BEEN A GOOD DAY!
THIS! THIS SHOWS ME ALL I CAN DO!
I ATE THE BIRTHDAY CANDLES!”