I would never even think to ask, for you to change who you are.
I'd rather shut myself down, turn around and just walk away.
Love me for me,
or fuck off.
Whirl Wind In Sight
January.27.2005
from start to finish
i don't know the plans
i see no light, no path in sight
wandering in circles
life is a whirl wind, too many choices
Why Keep Pushing
January.20.2007
A countdown
always waiting, wasting time
Using and being used
to what avail
Smile when being smiled at
but where are all my friends
Laughing to fill in space
but who gets that last laugh
Every day, is just the same
continuing to drag on, with no real existence
Why is there a need to fill the space
to have so many useless accomplishments
Why not leave things to just be
to follow and accept the path that is set
why push, why keep on
Blur Of Yellow Lights
January.28.2005
everything is a blur,
to my eyes
there are only blots,
of yellow light
i don't know where,
life really is
only looking straight,
into the light
so blinding,
is this so called life
i contemplate in the dark,
with closed eyes
to the blur of yellow light,
what is this life
Beast
January.21.2000
I can feel the power, of the beast.
Chained inside, my ribcage.
The power, of the body.
Feeding blood, to my breast.
Every vein, is a chain,
The beast can easily, break.
But he doesn't, for he knows.
If he cuts the flow, he will die also.
So he lives.
Inside my ribcage.
Chained to my soul.
Where at any moment.
The beast can easily, take control.
Can’t Keep Up
Aug.16.2007
I don’t want to do this anymore
I don’t know if I can
I feel like I am overflowing
Running out of time
Everything I wanted to do
Has disappeared or I’ve given up on
I don’t know what I am supposed to be doing
I feel lost and wasted
There has to be more for me
I need there to be more
I cannot keep up with the game
Clear As The Light Of Day
November.01.2012
everything is so clear to me now
I know what it is that I want
yet the path is no less strewn with thorns
with fears and with tortures of mistakes and difficulties to come
it stings with the final knowledge of truth
to have something so close at hand yet just out of reach
everything is really too clear for me now
I secretly desire the past days of confusion ignorance and denial
these truths I feel curled inside trying to reach out and embrace life
I can't deny what might seem strange and obscure and insane
but I'd give anything to have him beside me again, with a babe inside, with a home, with a smile…
I feel empty without these things occurring in my life right now
I feel lost to not be living that life I vividly see escaping from my grasp
I feel as if I'm barely holding on and there are no more chances left
everything is crystal clear
clear as the light of day
the snapshots of my life gone past
yet I do not know how, nor do I see the path that gets me to where I need to be
life is the journey and right now mine is as clear as mud and as enjoyable as nails on a chalk board
from day to day of lonely depressing darkness, how do I get to him from here
everything for me is seen through a blinding haze of this city’s fake plastic bubble
I Think I Could Have Run
March.01.2004
i knew it was happening
i swear i could have run
but i think i stayed right there
i think it's because i don't care
anymore
i just can't take it
anymore
i try to keep fighting
i try to keep living
but i'm getting nowhere
and i'm so tired
i have nothing left
i need to lie down
to not give up
but to give in
what a failure i am
Wondering On
January.31.2004
i cut myself,
on purpose.
when i was intoxicated,
i thought in logic.
i must have been thinking,
that i had lost something.
i wonder what i was thinking,
when i was in pieces.
probably that no one but me,
can now save what is left.
No One Knows
September.18.2003
I wipe my face, till I can feel it turning red.
I cry, until I think I am blind.
I am sure, no one could ever know.
These things, that I've always felt inside.
Or I wouldn't be able, to be left alone.
I'd cut this life, from where it hangs.
Just holding on, by some thin thread.
No there couldn't be, anything else.
That could burn, the way that this is.
No I couldn't feel, any more lost.
Even if I let myself bleed, to death.
Imagine That Pain
May.15.2007
imagine the worst pain
ever
as if someone is ripping out
internal organs
like a fist inside
wanting more
wanting to bleed me dry
i want to know why
what was done to deserve
such non-acceptance
and hatred of who I am
To Be Given A Chance
January.20.2007
Given a chance, to fill the space
I revert back to patterns and plans, not creativity
Given a chance, where have all of my ideas gone
I feel I’m bled dry, no life to escape me, nothing to give
But I must, the drive is still there, only the love is dwindling
In a love hate relationship, but where is the pureness of life
With all that has happened, with all the stories left untold
Given a chance, I would do it all over again, but with more or maybe less control
I feel so old inside, but I think all I have to do is try a little harder
Given a chance, I would not lose or hide what I truly am inside
Controls Me
July.24.2011
a streaming race of emotions
i cannot control
a need to shout and run away
from the, are you okay? they ask only in passing
i can't answer truthfully
being truly me, I would be shunned
no one understands
this dark hole inside of me
eating at me, pulling at me.
i can't explain it even to myself
this need to be, someone
yet not near, anyone.
the part i despise the most, is lack of the thing I most treasure, control.
there is no controlli
ng this horribly abusive, powerful beast.
it does seem to control me, most days, most situations
or maybe it is my excuse
Not Really Cared For
January.17.2011
when I open up and tell you
the truth
the painful reality that is me, really me
i get a blank stare
you really just don't care
i let it out, emotionally i can't deal with this
you disgracefully tell me to silence my voice
it's a joke or misfortune to you
to have been a part of this
you have no understanding
no compassion or acceptance
i've never wondered why i'm not a lover,
but a born fighter just to stay alive here
To Get What In Return
November.17.2012
If I say it out loud,
if those words escape my lips,
I cannot take it back,
it'll be too late for any regrets.
So I said it out loud,
every word precisely decided upon,
every action and moment perfectly planned,
and I was smiling as I did.
Until the moment was gone,
finished and so far out of reach now,
I doubted what would come back to me in return,
if it would be real or just another heartbreaking game.
Into Who I Am Right Now
October.15.2003
i can start from, a beginning
but it wouldn't change, a thing
just to make a long story, short
i didn't get enough, of any thing
i was deprived, and left alone to cry
i made myself, into who i am right now
and then i'll die...
Tip Over Me
December.07.2004
tip me over, let the water rush
my blood isn't flowing,
is there a pounding heartbeat
can you not complete me?
things are said, but nothing done
promises made, and promises broken
how can nothing i do,
make a difference
when i smile, great expectations should occur
doors shouldn't close, arms should be wide open
i guess i just expect, too much
too high of expectations, or so i've been told
To Feel The Blood
May.30.2004
i want to feel
the searing pain
i want to be the one
causing the stain
to watch it ooze
up onto my skin
feeling it start
to get cold within
i bleed too much
and cry too silently
i can't even scream
too much anger to breathe
there is no strength
inside my soul
to let myself just be here any more
Too Emotional, Just Like A Little Girl
May.30.2004
my eyes are still
hurting
it stings to even
blink
i can't believe i still, cry
just like some little, child
i just can't control
the pain
it seeps out through my blood stream
i can't do anything but die a little more inside
yet everyone thinks i am still here
a walking ghost
among them unseen
why am I always still surprised
Welling Up
November.09.2003
I can feel it,
welling up inside.
Ready to overflow,
ready to let it go.
These feelings,
of pure sickness.
These feelings,
of death combined.
All of these things,
are deep inside.
And all of the sudden,
I can't hold on.
I Find Myself, Here
February.26.2003
I find myself holding, my head a lot.
Closing my eyes.
Sitting in silence.
Being alone.
Just trying to make sense, of my thoughts.
Just trying to not drown, in them all at once.
I find myself ready, to completely fall apart.
Closing my eyes.
Listening to my breath.
Feeling my feet fall out from under me.
I've tried to make sense, out of any thing.
I've tried to stay together, but I just simply can't.
So I find myself sitting, holding myself.
Closing my eyes.
Fighting the tears.
Starting to cry.
Just trying to be quiet, because I want to be alone.
Just trying to find out, who I am in all of this sorrow.
Not Strong Enough Right Now
January.10.2004
my back is killing me.
my brain feels like it's going to explode.
i get flashes of peoples eyes,
staring...
i can't believe, no matter how hard i try.
smart enough, pretty enough.
i can't seem to be, who i am supposed to be.
i can't breathe anymore.
not like i ever have in the first place.
i can't, i really can't do this any more.
i am not strong enough...
the fight, the battle is winning...
and i don't think i can care any more.
i am too weak, too tired.
not strong enough...no air to breathe.
Pulling To Be Alone
August.17.2010
crawling
breathing quickens
please leave me alone
stop staring
stop pressing
stop acting like you know me
like you think you know what i'm going through
pulse beating, speeding
i want to be left alone
i want to run away from this place
sickness fills me
i gasp for words, for breath, for space
Is My World
February.20.2013
I look wildly around
I keep looking wildly around
avoiding any eye contact
avoiding feeling any judgment from the stares
avoiding feeling anything but my inner insanity
because that tragedy is my world
I realize I am not wildly doing anything
I accept the tragedy of my world is my own
Missing Something
July.25.2002
I am missing something…
something huge in my life
similar to a puzzle piece
deep down inside of me
and I don't know what to do
to fix this disfiguring loss...
I feel like I am stuck in a trap…
with all my doors slammed shut
I am locked up tight with no escape or get away
I can't find any way out
I feel so empty with these missing pieces...
I am missing something…
like real people around
like real true friends
like a lover at night
like my real true self…
Something about me is missing…
something inside me is askew
in my life there is an emptiness
I need to find my place in the darkness
I need to find myself without them
I need to put myself together
with or without the missing somethings…
The Crazy
February.22.2011
The crazy inside of me is… building
I used t
o be so nice, so polite and proper
… everyone agrees I've gone crazy
I keep thinking I'm gonna snap
just watch me, just keep on pushing me
You don't care, you just want a show
fill those mental homes with empty souls
The crazy inside me wants… out
I want out of this place before I lose all control
Encompassed
April.30.2007
what happens when
you
see something
devastating?
what happens if you
are
the devastation?
trapped, no breath, atrociousness
memories, flashbacks, hallucinations
wrecking guilt
unclean… anxiety… terror
only the innocence of a child
could possibly
… secretly endure…
with so much we
… bear
where does it hide?
where does it go?
where is all of the
dark horror inside?
Lost In
May.27.12
I'm lost in the, what if's of my life.
My mind just wonders, always wondering what if?
All my hopes, cling to the person who last touched me.
I keep re-living the moments, thinking I could be better, just give me one more chance.
Thinking… if I plan out every detail, I can win him over for sure.
Inside, I know, this is pathetic, I should be in the moment, living, not analyzing.