appertinent to man—as the malice of this age shapes
them—are not worth a gooseberry. You that are old consider
not the capacities of us that are young. You measure the
heat of our livers with the bitterness of your galls. And
we that are in the vaward of our youth, I must confess, are
wags too.
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE Do you set down your name in the scroll of
youth, that are written down old with all the characters of
age? Have you not a moist eye? A dry hand? A yellow cheek?
A white beard? A decreasing leg? An increasing belly? Is not
your voice broken? Your wind short? Your wit single? And
every part about you blasted with antiquity? And will you
call yourself young? Fie, fie, fie, Sir John.
FALSTAFF My lord, I was born with a white head and
something a round belly. For my voice, I have lost it with
halloing and singing of anthems. To approve my youth
further, I will not. The truth is, I am only old in judgement
and understanding, and he that will caper with me for a
thousand marks, let him lend me the money, and have at
him! For the box of th’ear that the prince gave you, he gave it
like a rude prince, and you took it like a sensible lord. I have
checked him for it, and the young lion repents; marry, not in
ashes and sackcloth, but in new silk and old sack.
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE Well, heaven send the prince a better
companion!
FALSTAFF Heaven send the companion a better prince! I
cannot rid my hands of him.
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE Well, the king hath severed you and Prince
Harry. I hear you are going with Lord John of Lancaster
against the archbishop and the Earl of Northumberland.
FALSTAFF Yes, I thank your pretty sweet wit for it. But look
you pray—all you that kiss my lady Peace at home—that our
armies join not in a hot day, for if I take but two shirts out
with me, and I mean not to sweat extraordinarily: if it be a
hot day, if I brandish anything but my bottle, would I might
never spit white again. There is not a dangerous action can
peep out his head but I am thrust upon it. Well, I cannot last
ever.
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE Well, be honest, be honest, and heaven bless
your expedition.
FALSTAFF Will your lordship lend me a thousand pound to
furnish me forth?
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE Not a penny, not a penny. You are too
impatient to bear crosses. Fare you well. Commend me to my
cousin Westmorland.
[Exeunt Lord Chief Justice and Servant]
FALSTAFF If I do, fillip me with a three-man beetle. A man can
no more separate age and covetousness than he can part
young limbs and lechery: but the gout galls the one, and the
pox pinches the other; and so both the degrees prevent my
curses.—Boy!
PAGE Sir?
FALSTAFF What money is in my purse?
PAGE Seven groats and two-pence.
FALSTAFF I can get no remedy against this consumption of
the purse. Borrowing only lingers and lingers it out, but the
disease is incurable. Go bear this letter to my
Gives letters
lord of Lancaster, this to the prince, this to the Earl of
Westmorland, and this to old Mistress Ursula, whom I have
weekly sworn to marry since I perceived the first white hair on
my chin. About it: you know where to find me.
[Exit Page]
A pox of this gout, or a gout of this pox! For the one or
th’other plays the rogue with my great toe. It is no matter if
I do halt. I have the wars for my colour, and my pension shall
seem the more reasonable. A good wit will make use of
anything: I will turn diseases to commodity.
Exit
Act 1 Scene [3]
running scene 3
Location: presumably York, the Archbishop’s palace
Enter Archbishop, Hastings, Mowbray and Lord Bardolph
ARCHBISHOP OF YORK Thus have you heard our causes and know our means,
And, my most noble friends, I pray you all
Speak plainly your opinions of our hopes.
And first, lord marshal, what say you to it?
MOWBRAY I well allow the occasion of our arms,
But gladly would be better satisfied
How in our means we should advance ourselves
Upon the power and puissance of the king.
HASTINGS Our present musters grow upon the file
To five and twenty thousand men of choice,
And our supplies live largely in the hope
Of great Northumberland, whose bosom burns
With an incensèd fire of injuries.
LORD BARDOLPH The question then, Lord Hastings, standeth thus:
Whether our present five and twenty thousand
May hold up head without Northumberland?
HASTINGS With him, we may.
LORD BARDOLPH Ay, marry, there’s the point:
But if without him we be thought too feeble,
My judgement is, we should not step too far
Till we had his assistance by the hand.
For in a theme so bloody-faced as this,
Conjecture, expectation and surmise
Of aids incertain should not be admitted.
ARCHBISHOP OF YORK ’Tis very true, Lord Bardolph, for indeed
It was young Hotspur’s case at Shrewsbury.
LORD BARDOLPH It was, my lord, who lined himself with hope,
Eating the air on promise of supply,
Flatt’ring himself with project of a power
Much smaller than the smallest of his thoughts,
And so, with great imagination
Proper to madmen, led his powers to death
And winking leaped into destruction.
HASTINGS But, by your leave, it never yet did hurt
To lay down likelihoods and forms of hope.
LORD BARDOLPH Yes, if this present quality of war—
Indeed the instant action, a cause on foot—
Lives so in hope as in an early spring
We see th’appearing buds, which to prove fruit,
Hope gives not so much warrant as despair
That frosts will bite them. When we mean to build,
We first survey the plot, then draw the model,
And when we see the figure of the house,
Then must we rate the cost of the erection,
Which if we find outweighs ability,
What do we then but draw anew the model
In fewer offices? Or at least desist
To build at all? Much more, in this great work—
Which is almost to pluck a kingdom down
And set another up—should we survey
The plot of situation and the model,
Consent upon a sure foundation,
Question surveyors, know our own estate,
How able such a work to undergo,
To weigh against his opposite. Or else
We fortify in paper and in figures,
Using the names of men instead of men,
Like one that draws the model of a house
Beyond his power to build it; who, half through,
Gives o’er and leaves his part-created cost
A naked subject to the weeping clouds
And waste for churlish winter’s tyranny.
HASTINGS Grant that our hopes, yet likely of fair birth,
Should be still-born, and that we now poss
essed
The utmost man of expectation,
I think we are a body strong enough,
Even as we are, to equal with the king.
LORD BARDOLPH What, is the king but five and twenty thousand?
HASTINGS To us no more, nay, not so much, Lord Bardolph.
For his divisions—as the times do brawl—
Are in three heads: one power against the French,
And one against Glendower, perforce a third
Must take up us. So is the unfirm king
In three divided, and his coffers sound
With hollow poverty and emptiness.
ARCHBISHOP OF YORK That he should draw his several strengths together
And come against us in full puissance
Need not be dreaded.
HASTINGS If he should do so,
He leaves his back unarmed, the French and Welsh
Baying him at the heels: never fear that.
LORD BARDOLPH Who is it like should lead his forces hither?
HASTINGS The Duke of Lancaster and Westmorland:
Against the Welsh, himself and Harry Monmouth.
But who is substituted gainst the French,
I have no certain notice.
ARCHBISHOP OF YORK Let us on,
And publish the occasion of our arms.
The commonwealth is sick of their own choice,
Their over-greedy love hath surfeited:
An habitation giddy and unsure
Hath he that buildeth on the vulgar heart.
O thou fond many, with what loud applause
Didst thou beat heaven with blessing Bullingbrook,
Before he was what thou wouldst have him be!
And being now trimmed in thine own desires,
Thou, beastly feeder, art so full of him
That thou provok’st thyself to cast him up.
So, so, thou common dog, didst thou disgorge
Thy glutton bosom of the royal Richard,
And now thou wouldst eat thy dead vomit up,
And howl’st to find it. What trust is in these times?
They that, when Richard lived, would have him die,
Are now become enamoured on his grave.
Thou, that threw’st dust upon his goodly head
When through proud London he came sighing on
After th’admirèd heels of Bullingbrook,
Criest now ‘O earth, yield us that king again,
And take thou this.’ O, thoughts of men accursed!
Past and to come seems best; things present worst.
MOWBRAY Shall we go draw our numbers and set on?
HASTINGS We are time’s subjects, and time bids be gone.
[Exeunt]
Act 2 Scene 1
running scene 4
Location: Eastcheap, London, near a tavern
Enter Hostess [Quickly], with two officers: Fang and Snare
HOSTESS QUICKLY Master Fang, have you entered the action?
FANG It is entered.
HOSTESS QUICKLY Where’s your yeoman? Is it a lusty yeoman?
Will he stand to it?
FANG Sirrah— Where’s Snare?
Looks around
HOSTESS QUICKLY Ay, ay, good Master Snare.
SNARE Here, here.
Comes forward
FANG Snare, we must arrest Sir John Falstaff.
HOSTESS QUICKLY Ay, good Master Snare, I have entered him
and all.
SNARE It may chance cost some of us our lives: he will stab.
HOSTESS QUICKLY Alas the day. Take heed of him: he stabbed me
in mine own house, and that most beastly. He cares not what
mischief he doth, if his weapon be out. He will foin like any
devil, he will spare neither man, woman nor child.
FANG If I can close with him, I care not for his thrust.
HOSTESS QUICKLY No, nor I neither: I’ll be at your elbow.
FANG If I but fist him once, if he come but within my
vice—
HOSTESS QUICKLY I am undone with his going. I warrant he is an
infinitive thing upon my score. Good Master Fang, hold him
sure: good Master Snare, let him not scape. He comes
continuantly to Pie-corner—saving your manhoods—to
buy a saddle, and he is indited to dinner to the Lubber’s-head
in Lombard Street, to Master Smooth’s the silkman. I pra’ye,
since my exion is entered and my case so openly known to
the world, let him be brought in to his answer. A hundred
mark is a long one for a poor lone woman to bear, and I have
borne, and borne, and borne, and have been fubbed off, and
fubbed off, from this day to that day, that it is a shame to be
thought on. There is no honesty in such dealing, unless a
woman should be made an ass and a beast, to bear every
knave’s wrong.
Enter Falstaff [with his Page]and Bardolph
Yonder he comes, and that arrant malmsey-nose Bardolph,
with him. Do your offices, do your offices: Master Fang and
Master Snare, do me, do me, do me your offices.
FALSTAFF How now? Whose mare’s dead? What’s the matter?
FANG Sir John, I arrest you at the suit of Mistress Quickly.
FALSTAFF Away, varlets! Draw, Bardolph. Cut me
They draw
off the villain’s head. Throw the quean in the channel.
HOSTESS QUICKLY Throw me in the channel? I’ll throw thee
there. Wilt thou? Wilt thou? Thou bastardly rogue! Murder,
murder! O, thou honeysuckle villain, wilt thou kill God’s
officers and the king’s? O, thou honey-seed rogue, thou art a
honey-seed, a man-queller, and a woman-queller.
FALSTAFF Keep them off, Bardolph.
FANG A rescue, a rescue!
HOSTESS QUICKLY Good people, bring a rescue.— Thou
To Page
wilt not? Thou wilt not? Do, do, thou rogue! Do, thou hemp-
seed!
PAGE Away, you scullion, you rampallion, you
To Fang
fustilarian! I’ll tuck your catastrophe.
Enter Chief Justice
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE What’s the matter? Keep the peace here, ho!
HOSTESS QUICKLY Good my lord, be good to me. I beseech you
stand to me.
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE How now, Sir John? What are you brawling
here? Doth this become your place, your time and business?
You should have been well on your way to York. Stand from
him, fellow; wherefore hang’st upon him?
HOSTESS QUICKLY O my most worshipful lord, an’t please your
grace, I am a poor widow of Eastcheap, and he is arrested at
my suit.
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE For what sum?
HOSTESS QUICKLY It is more than for some, my lord, it is for all, all
I have. He hath eaten me out of house and home; he hath
put all my substance into that fat belly of his. But I will have
some of it out again, or I will ride thee o’nights like the mare.
FALSTAFF I think I am as like to ride the mare, if I have any
vantage of ground to get up.
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE How comes this, Sir John? Fie, what a man of
good temper would endure this tempest of exclamation? Are
you not ashamed to enforce a poor widow to so rough a
course to come by her own?
FALSTAFF What is the gross sum that I owe thee?
HOSTESS QUICKLY Marry, if thou wert an honest man, thyself
and the money too. Thou didst swear to me upon a parcel-
gilt goblet, sitting in my Dolphin-chamber at the round table,
by a sea-coal fire, on Wednesday in Whitsun week, when the
prince broke thy head for lik’ning him
to a singing-man of
Windsor; thou didst swear to me then, as I was washing thy
wound, to marry me and make me my lady thy wife. Canst
thou deny it? Did not goodwife Keech, the butcher’s wife, come
in then and call me gossip Quickly, coming in to
borrow a mess of vinegar, telling us she had a good dish of
prawns, whereby thou didst desire to eat some, whereby I
told thee they were ill for a green wound? And didst not thou,
when she was gone downstairs, desire me to be no more
familiar with such poor people, saying that ere long they
should call me madam? And didst thou not kiss me and bid
me fetch thee thirty shillings? I put thee now to thy book-
oath: deny it, if thou canst.
FALSTAFF My lord, this is a poor mad soul, and she says up and
down the town that her eldest son is like you. She hath been
in good case, and the truth is, poverty hath distracted her.
But for these foolish officers,
I beseech you I may have redress against them.
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE Sir John, Sir John, I am well acquainted with
your manner of wrenching the true cause the false way. It is
not a confident brow, nor the throng of words that come
with such more than impudent sauciness from you, can
thrust me from a level consideration. I know you ha’
practised upon the easy-yielding spirit of this woman.
HOSTESS QUICKLY Yea, in troth, my lord.
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE Prithee, peace.— Pay her the debt you owe
her, and unpay the villainy you have done her: the one you
may do with sterling money, and the other with current
repentance.
FALSTAFF My lord, I will not undergo this sneap without reply.
You call honourable boldness ‘impudent sauciness’. If a man
will curtsy and say nothing, he is virtuous. No, my lord—
your humble duty remembered—I will not be your suitor. I
say to you, I desire deliverance from these officers, being
upon hasty employment in the king’s affairs.
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE You speak as having power to do wrong. But
answer in the effect of your reputation, and satisfy the poor
woman.
FALSTAFF Come hither, hostess.
Takes Quickly aside
Enter Master Gower
LORD CHIEF JUSTICE Now, Master Gower, what news?