[Scene 6]
Malcolm
Every1 throw ur s on2 the ground! Blow the !!! This one’s for you, Dad!
Siward likes this.
REPLY
Siward: IS GOIN !
[Scene 7]
Macbeth
Macbeth has created an online survey:
REPLY
Young Siward
REPLY
Young Siward: I was born of a woman, but I’m gonna fight you like a man.
Macbeth: *Wipes blood off sword* Nice try. Anyone else?
[Scene 8]
Macduff
Face me, u coward.
Macbeth
Macduff? *sigh* I’ve already killed ur whole . Isn’t that enough?
Macduff
My is my voice. #NoWords
Macbeth
Save urself the trouble. I’m and can’t be killed by any1 born of a woman, including u.
Macduff
Is that so?
Macduff
REPLY
Macbeth
Well, that’s ironic.
Macduff
You mean “coincidental.”
Macbeth
Either way! I definitely don’t want 2 fight u now!
Macduff
If you’d rather wave the white we could spare ur life, put u in a like the that u are.…
Macbeth
Meh. That doesn’t sound much better than dying a painful death.
Macduff
Meet me downstairs. Bring ur sword & let the games begin.
Group text: Malcolm, Siward, Ross
Malcolm
I wish no one had 2 die. I hate how war has 2 be so violent.
Siward
Life, ya know? But fortunately we didn’t lose 2 many .
Ross
Yeah, but we did lose ur son.
Siward
Tell me, were his wounds on his back (from away) or his front (from valiantly)?
Ross
His front.
Siward
Well, that’s all I can ask 4. I’m as proud as any father can be. 2 he goes. Hold on. I just got a txt from Macduff.…
Macduff has posted a photo to the album:
*NSFL* Macbeth’s Head on a Stick
REPLY
Group text: Macduff, Malcolm, Ross, Siward
Macduff
We won!!!! Did you guys see what I just “posted”?? Get it?! #SeeWhatIDidThere
Malcolm
YESSS!!
Macduff
All hail Malcolm! #The1TrueKing
Malcolm
THX, EVERYONE!!! You’re all invited to see me ed!
Oh, what the ! You get to be an earl! And you get to be an earl! And you! And that’s everyone on this group text!
Macduff
Should we have a moment of silence for Lady Macbeth’s suicide?
Malcolm
Wow, way to ruin the moment, dude.
Macduff
Hey, Malcolm, now that you’re the king…you were JK about all that stuff u said earlier: , right?
Malcolm
Guess u’ll just hafta wait & see.
The 411 for Those Not in the Know
411: Information
AKA: Also Known As
ASAP: As Soon As Possible
BFF: Best Friend Forever
BRB: Be Right Back
BTW: By The Way
CTFO: Chill The F*ck Out
FML: F*ck My Life
FOMO: Fear Of Missing Out
FTW: For The Win
FYI: For Your Information
G2G: Got To Go
GTFO: Get The F*ck Out
ICYMI: In Case You Missed It
IDK: I Don’t Know
IMHO: In My Humble Opinion
IRL: In Real Life
JIC: Just In Case
JK: Just Kidding
JW: Just Wondering
LMAO: Laughing My A$$ Off
LOL: Laughing Out Loud
LOLZ: Laughing Out Loud (ironically)
NBD: No Big Deal
NP: No Problem
NSFL: Not Safe For Life
OMG: Oh My God
OTW: On The Way
ROTFLMAO: Rolling On The Floor Laughing My A$$ Off
SMH: Shaking My Head
STFU: Shut The F*ck Up
TBD: To Be Determined
TL;DR: Too Long; Didn’t Read
TTYL: Talk To You Later
WTF: What The F*ck?
WTG: Way To Go
YOLO: You Only Live Once
Some Emotions You Might Find in This Book
Angry
Anguished
Anxious
Confounded
Confused
Cool
Dead (or Dying)
Disappointed
Embarrassed (and/or Drunk)
Evil (Devil)
Flirty
Friendly (wink, wink)
Fuming Mad
Goofy
Happy
Innocent
Nervous
Nothing
Really Angry
Sad
Sad (and Crying)
Sad (and Sobbing)
Scared
Scared (and Screaming)
Sheepish (and/or Grimacing)
Sick
Silent
Sleepy
Sly
Surprised
Unamused
Worried
COURTNEY CARBONE studied English and creative writing in Baltimore, before moving to New York City to become a full-time children’s book editor. When she isn’t collaborating with the greatest playwright of all time, Courtney can be found studying various forms of comedy and trying to finish the joke “Two groundlings walk into a bard.…”
@CBCarbone
CourtneyCarbone.com
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE was born in Stratford-upon-Avon in 1564. He was an English poet, playwright, and actor, widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language and the world’s preeminent dramatist. His plays have been translated into every major language and are performed more often than those of any other playwright.
[Scene 1]
Oberon
Soooo…wanna explain what’s going on?
That new from India should be one of my knights, not hanging out with you.
Titania
I can’t even with you.
Oberon
Titania
You’re pulling the MARRIAGE card? OK, then! Maybe you’d like to explain why you’re sooo in with Hippolyta. You keep leaving our to woo her, and everyone knows it.
Oberon
HDU. Also, you’re such a hypocrite. As if you aren’t completely into Theseus. Psh. You’ve sabotaged all his relationships because of it.
Titania
Liiiiiies!
I’m so tired of arguing. It keeps interrupting every meeting I have with my fairies. And because of it, everything has been all mixed up since the beginning of summer. The is off its axis! All the seasons are screwed up.
#hotmess
Oberon
Fix it, then!
By letting the new kid hang out with my friends and me.
Titania
No way. I promised his I’d take care of him right before she died giving birth to him. A little detail you like to overlook.
Oberon
I’m over you. How long are you staying in the forest?
Titania
IDK. Maybe until after Theseus’s marriage.
The fairies and I are celebrating tonight. I guess you can come if you get over yourself. Otherwise, leave us alone and we’ll do the same for you.
Oberon
Hand over the and I’ll party with you.
Titania
BYE.
Oberon
Puck! Hey, ol’ buddy, ol’ pal. How’s it going?
Puck
Dandy!
What’s up?
Oberon
I was just thinking …and I remembered something. One night I saw Cupid aim his bow and shoot an arrow at a girl, but she was too busy to notice and I watched the arrow fall and hit a .
I kinda sorta maybe definitely need that now. I showed it to you once. Remember?
Puck
Okeydoke, but why?
Oberon
Because, tbh, if you rub it onto someone’s while they’re , then when they wake up, they’ll fall in with the first person they see.
Bring it to me quickly, please.
Puck
Aye-aye, captain.
HA! Once I have that , I’ll use it on Titania while she’s asleep. After she falls in with whatever she first—even if it’s a , , or —I’ll promise to cure her with the other plant that I have—only if she agrees to let me have the . Easy, breezy. Nothing can go wrong!
Puck has checked into a flower garden in the forest.
Demetrius has checked into the forest.
Helena has checked into two trees behind Demetrius.
Demetrius
Are you following me
Helena
uhhh
Demetrius
I see you behind that .
You have GOT to stop stalking me.
Helena
nmf. i’m so crazy about u. u hold this power over me!
i can’t let go until u let go of me.
Demetrius
WTF. I tell you constantly that I. Don’t. Love. You. Never have, never will. Is that #closure enough?
Helena
if it wasn’t for me, u wouldn’t even know about hermia and lysander running away. so yw.
Demetrius
And I’ve been going in trying to find them. Were you really lying? Was this a trick to be alone with me?
Helena
no, i swear! i’m like ur little . i’m always going to follow u around. it’s kinda cute, y/y?
Demetrius
Ugh, you make me .
You shouldn’t be here, you know, all alone in the woods.
Helena
i’m not alone if ur here.
Demetrius
I wish a wild would eat you. You’re so annoying!
Helena
ur crueler than any , so it’s nbd.
Demetrius
OMG. That’s it. I’m leaving.
And you better not follow me!
Helena
this is so messed up. u should be the one chasing me, u know!
Oberon
Hey, buddy! Did you get the ?
Puck
Yep! I’ll bring it over in a sec.
Awesome! I want you to keep some of it as well.
I’m going to find Titania. But with your part, I need you to do me a favor.
I overheard a couple fighting in the forest just now. Can you perform a little switcheroo? Find the man from Athens, and make sure you rub a huge amount of the on his . He’ll be chasing her for once, hehehe. TTYL!
[Scene 2]
Titania
Woo-hoo! Can’t wait to and celebrate all night long! Twist, twirl, shake it off…and then my fairies will sing me to sleep. I LOVE love! Congrats, T+H!
Theseus, Hippolyta, and 5 others like this.
REPLY
Hippolyta: Thx, sweetie! xoxo
Oberon has checked into Titania’s chambers.
Great—she’s asleep. Now to squeeze this into her . When you wake up, you’ll love whatever you see first. Even if it’s a . TT4N.
Lysander and Hermia have checked into a part of the forest they swear they’ve seen before.
Lysander has checked into a grassy knoll.
Hermia has checked into a cozy bush a few trees away from Lysander.
Lysander
Hey, what are you doing all the way over there?
Hermia
IDK. Maybe we shouldn’t sleep so close together.
Lysander
Sorry! I wasn’t trying to get fresh with you—promise.
I just think it would be nice to finally be close to each other. The whole night.
Two , one sweet spot.
Hermia
Ooh, you flirt. I’m almost convinced.
But it’s better this way. We have to be good until we’re married.
Lysander
Amen. Sweet dreams!
Lysander
Can’t find my way out of Athens, but at least I get to sleep next to my bae. —feeling lost
REPLY
Puck has checked into the forest.
I’ve been running around this forest all day and I haven’t seen anyone from Athens! I’m exhausted. Aha! A couple sleeping. So this must be the guy who doesn’t love this girl. I know what to do. Hope this makes you fall in love with her so hard that you’ll never sleep again.
Demetrius has checked into a different part of the forest.
Helena
can u plz slow down?? i can’t keep up w/u.
Helena has checked into four trees behind Demetrius.
Demetrius
You’re more attached to me than my own shadow! Get a clue. I’m trying to lose you.
Helena
fine. leave me here in the dark. idc n-e-more.
Demetrius
Great! Bye!!
Helena
life is a bottomless pit. i’ll never be good enuf for him—feeling bummed.
Helena and two others like this.
REPLY
Helena has checked into the grassy brush.
Helena
lysander, is that u? u awake?
Lysander
YAWN. I was just resting my eyes.
Wait.
Helena, is that you over there?
How have I never noticed before? You’re so beautiful! You’re as bright as the today!
Is Demetrius with you? I could kill him for the way he treats you!
Helena
y? it doesn’t matter. he luvs hermia, but she luvs u.
u don’t have n-e-thing to worry about. ur lucky. be happy w/hermia.
Lysander
Happy with Hermia Yeah right.
She is capital B booorrring. I don’t even like her, let alone love her.
In fact, I love YOU, Helena!
But Wait! There’s More!
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
I see an awesome in your future.
Scrooge
Yeah, great. You people get new OMG and I get .
#worstgiftever
Darcy
Speaking of worst things, I just got back from the worst ball EVER.
Lizzy
You know I’m on this group text, right? #thisiswhyimsingle
Darcy
Wait, no, you misunderstood.…