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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Carbone, Courtney.
Srsly Hamlet / William Shakespeare and Courtney Carbone.
pages cm.
Summary: “William Shakespeare’s tragedy told in the style of texts, tweets, and status posts.” —Provided by publisher
ISBN 978-0-553-53538-9 (trade) — ISBN 978-0-553-53547-1 (ebook)
[1. Shakespeare, William, 1564–1616—Adaptations.] I. Shakespeare, William, 1564–1616. Hamlet. II. Title. III. Title: Seriously Hamlet. IV. Title: Hamlet.
PZ7.C1863Sr 2015 [Fic]—dc23 2014041937
Random House Children’s Books supports the First Amendment and celebrates the right to read.
v4.1
a
To all my extraordinary English teachers,
I’m sorry.
—C.B.C.
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Who’s Who
Characters You Won’t Meet in This Book
Act 1
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Scene 5
Act 2
Scene 1
Scene 2
Act 3
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Act 4
Scene 1
Scene 2
Scene 3
Scene 4
Scene 5
Scene 6
Scene 7
Act 5
Scene 1
Scene 2
The 411 for Those Not in the Know
Some Emotions You Might Find in This Book
About the Authors
FOMO? Read on for a peek at YOLO Juliet
Who’s Who
Hamlet, Prince of Denmark
The Ghost, Hamlet’s dead dad, the old King Hamlet
Queen Gertrude, Hamlet’s mom, now married to Claudius
King Claudius, Hamlet’s dad’s brother, Hamlet’s uncle and stepdad
Ophelia
Laertes, Ophelia’s brother
Polonius, Ophelia and Laertes’s father, councillor to King Claudius
Reynaldo, servant to Polonius
Horatio, Hamlet’s friend
Voltimand, member of the Danish court
Cornelius, member of the Danish court
Rosencrantz, member of the Danish court, Hamlet’s old friend
Guildenstern, member of the Danish court, Hamlet’s old friend
Francisco, Danish soldier
Bernardo, Danish soldier
Marcellus, Danish soldier
Fortinbras, Prince of Norway
Gravedigger
Angry Mob
Characters You Won’t Meet in This Book
(aka People w/o Smartphones)
Osric, member of the Danish court
Gentlemen
A Lord
A Captain in Fortinbras’s army
Ambassadors to Denmark from England
Players who take the roles of Prologue, Player King, Player Queen, and Lucianus in The Murder of Gonzago
Two Messengers
Sailors
Gravedigger’s companion
Doctor of Divinity
Attendants, Lords, Guards, Musicians, Laertes’s Followers, Soldiers, Officers
[Scene 1]
Bernardo
almost there!!
Francisco
Who is this?
Bernardo
sry new #
Francisco
Bernardo?
Bernardo
yep. it’s after . go 2 bed!! i’ll take over.
Francisco
Thx, yeah I’m super .
Bernardo
lmk if you horatio or marcellus. they’re on 2nite 2.
Francisco
K
Group text: Marcellus, Bernardo, Horatio
Marcellus
BRB. Bringing Horatio so he can c u-know-who.
Bernardo
the ?
Marcellus
Yup
Horatio
IF this is real, it’s 4 Denmark.
BTW did you guys see the I posted this morning? www.NorwegianNews.com/article/Norway-Pretending-It-Won-War-Against-Denmark/
Marcellus
TL;DR. Can I get a recap??
Horatio
The late King Hamlet won a war against Norway’s late King Fortinbras, yes?
Bernardo
yeah, i know…but what were they late 4?
Horatio
SMH. That means dead.
Bernardo
ah…
Horatio
Anyway, King Hamlet defeated King Fortinbras fair and , but his son, Prince Fortinbras, is threatening to attack us to avenge his father’s death.
Bernardo
that can’t be good.
Marcellus
Horatio
Speaking of which, when is this supposed to show? It’s out here!
Bernardo
yesterday he showed rite after the …kinda like the 1 ringing now…
Marcellus
OMG! Did you c that?!
#NoFilter
Bernardo
holy !! it looks like a of the king!
Marcellus
Well, what do u have 2 say now, Horatio?
Horatio
Man. You were right.
Marcellus
And u were…?? Remind me. I forget!
Horatio
Relax. What do we do now?
Marcellus
it?
Bernardo
stab a ? u can’t kill something that’s already !!
Horatio
Too late! It’s gone. We have to tell Hamlet asap.
Bernardo
you’re rite. the will want 2 talk 2 his son.
[Scene 2]
Claudius
RIP @KingHamlet. You’ll b missed.
REPLY
Claudius
And now that funeral is over, let’s get on w/ the wedding! / Shout-out 2 my beautiful , @Gertrude. #blessed
Gertrude likes this.
REPLY
Hamlet: Srsly?
Group text: Claudius, Voltimand, Cornelius
Claudius
I need u guys.
Voltimand
What’s up?
Claudius
Did you c the link Horatio posted?
Cornelius
Yeah, everyone’s been talking about it.
Claudius
K well I didn’t read the whole , but it sounds like I need ppl 2 go 2 Norway, talk w/ Fortinbras’s uncle, and convince him to keep his from attacking us. Can u do that 4 me?
Voltimand
Yeah, np.
Cornelius
We’ll catch the next .
Claudius
Thx. I’d do it myself but I have my 2nite.
+ i’m the king
Group text: Laertes, Claudius, Polonius
Laertes
Your ness, I have something 2 ask of u.
Claudius
Yes?
Laertes
It’s been gr8 seeing u and everything, but now that it’s over, I’d like 2 go back 2 school in France.
Claudius
Polonius, wut do u think? Laertes
Polonius
by me.
Claudius
Laertes, u r free 2 go. Ttyl.
Group text: Claudius, Hamlet, Gertrude
Claudius
Hamlet, my nephew/new son! Wut’s new?
Hamlet
That about covers it.
Claudius
Something wrong? Why is ur head still ?
Hamlet
Actually, I am too much in the . I can’t believe you people are like nothing happened.
Gertrude
Son, I wish you would . It’s common to . But everything that lives must eventually.
Hamlet
Common is one word for it.
Gertrude
Why do you seem to take it to ?
Hamlet
Seem? No, Mother. I don’t SEEM . I AM .
Claudius
Hamlet, really, it’s been 2 months already ! Move on! Look @ ur mother. She’s already remarried! Parents all the . I’m ur father now. Deal. 1 day you’ll be king just like me!!! !
help me. God, I want to . I wish I could and not go to for killing myself. My dad hasn’t even been two months, and already everyone has forgotten about him. He was such an amazing , and he gets replaced by my uncle.
Does no one remember how good my father was to my mother? I wish I didn’t have to about it. She was with him. And yet 2 s later she has completely moved on. How is that possible?? Even are more loyal than that. And not only does she move on, she MARRIES my father’s brother. My UNCLE. Who is the complete and total OPPOSITE of my father. Her were barely dry by the wedding. It’s too much too fast. (Also, kind of INCEST. Just saying.)
It’s bad. And I know it will only get worse. And yet… as I am, there’s nothing I can do.
Horatio
Hey, stranger.
Hamlet
Horatio! Great to hear from you!
Horatio
Listen, I heard about your father. I’m so, so sorry. I’m in the to pay my respects.
Hamlet
Ha! More like you got an invite to my mother’s .
Horatio
SMH, one did quickly follow the other.
Hamlet
#understatement
I’m pretty sure they used the same for both.
You know, sometimes I think I still my father. Just can’t believe he’s gone.
Horatio
Funny you should that.
Hamlet
?
Horatio
I think I saw him last night IRL.
Hamlet
Horatio
This is going to sound , but long short, Marcellus and Bernardo saw his while on . They asked me to come for myself.
On the third night, I went. Swear to God… was real.
Hamlet
I don’t know what to say.
Are you going back tonight?
Horatio
Hamlet
How did he look?
Horatio
More than .
Hamlet
or ?
Horatio
Hamlet
I’ll go with you tonight. Maybe he’ll come back.
Horatio
I think he will.
Hamlet
The way I feel right now, the couldn’t keep me from talking to him.
Let’s keep this between us.
Horatio
See you later.
Hamlet
I’ll be there before midnight.
[Scene 3]
Laertes
Hey, sis, my is here. Don’t want 2 miss my 2 . I’m going 2 miss you so much. Promise me you’ll ?
Ophelia
don’t be silly. of course i will!
Laertes
And listen…there’s something else I want 2 talk 2 u about.
Ophelia
your excessive use of 2s???
Laertes
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Ophelia
i’m listening.…
Laertes
I know u have been hanging out w/ Hamlet a lot lately. I just want 2 make sure you’re not getting . Sure he might say he u now. But he’s the prince. His #1 priority is & always will b . Please just don’t get .
Ophelia
i know, i know. you have nothing to worry about.
Laertes
So you’ll b careful?
Ophelia
i have your words in my and you alone have the . but it goes both ways. you better stay out of trouble in !
Laertes
Polonius
Son, b4 u go, I made this for u.
Advice 4 Laertes on His Trip 2 :
1. B careful what u say.
2. b4 u act.
3. B friendly, but not 2 friendly.
4. Hold on 2 good friends , but don’t waste ur on every new person that comes into ur life.
5. Stay out of fights. But if u find urself in 1 anyway, kick some ***.
6. Listen 2 every1, but don’t waste & energy on ppl who don’t deserve it.
7. what other ppl do, but don’t them.
8. Dress nicely, but don’t go overboard. (u know how ppl are.)
9. Don’t borrow or lend 2 friends or u might lose both. And/or u might start 2 resent them. And/or they might start 2 resent u!
10. Above all: b true 2 urself. If u are completely urself, then u b fake 2 any1!!
Laertes
Thx, Dad. I’ll let u know when I get there.
Polonius
Good luck!
Group text: Laertes, Ophelia, Polonius
Laertes
About 2 board. Bye, guys. Ophelia, remember wut I said!!
Ophelia
xoxo
Polonius
U can tell me what that was about when I get .
Ophelia
sigh. if you must know, it was about hamlet.
Polonius
I knew it. U 2 have been spending a lot of 2gether. What’s going on? & don’t u dare lie 2 me!
Ophelia
dad, it’s just…
he me.
Polonius
He probably CANOODLING w/ u!
Ophelia
ew. dad. please don’t ever say something like that again.
Polonius
Don’t b naïve. He’s the prince! Do I need 2 make U a of advice like ur brother?! That’s it. U r forbidden 2 speak 2 Hamlet ever again.
Ophelia
dad, stop. you’re overreacting. he’s serious about me. soon??
Polonius
You rly don’t have a choice. This ends NOW, Ophelia.