throne-room, awaiting the Prince of Crim Tartary. Princess
Angelica sat at their feet, and behind the King's chair stood
Prince Giglio, looking very savage.
The Prince of Crim Tartary made his appearance, attended by Baron
Sleibootz, his chamberlain, and followed by a black page carrying
the most beautiful crown you ever saw! He was dressed in his
travelling costume, and his hair, as you see, was a little in
disorder. 'I have ridden three hundred miles since breakfast,'
said he, 'so eager was I to behold the Prin--the Court and august
family of Paflagonia, and I could not wait one minute before
appearing in Your Majesties' presences.'
Giglio, from behind the throne, burst out into a roar of
contemptuous laughter; but all the Royal party, in fact, were so
flurried, that they did not hear this little outbreak. 'Your R.
H. is welcome in any dress,' says the King. 'Glumboso, a chair
for His Royal Highness.'
'Any dress His Royal Highness wears IS a Court dress,' says
Princess Angelica, smiling graciously.
'Ah! but you should see my other clothes,' said the Prince. 'I
should have had them on, but that stupid carrier has not brought
them. Who's that laughing?'
It was Giglio laughing. 'I was laughing,' he said, 'because you
said just now that you were in such a hurry to see the Princess,
that you could not wait to change your dress; and now you say you
come in those clothes because you have no others.'
'And who are you?' says Prince Bulbo, very fiercely.
'My father was King of this country, and I am his only son,
Prince!' replies Giglio, with equal haughtiness.
'Ha!' said the King and Glumboso, looking very flurried; but the
former, collecting himself, said, 'Dear Prince Bulbo, I forgot to
introduce to Your Royal Highness my dear nephew, His Royal
Highness Prince Giglio! Know each other! Embrace each other!
Giglio, give His Royal Highness your hand!' and Giglio, giving
his hand, squeezed poor Bulbo's until the tears ran out of his
eyes. Glumboso now brought a chair for the Royal visitor, and
placed it on the platform on which the King, Queen, and Prince
were seated; but the chair was on the edge of the platform, and
as Bulbo sat down, it toppled over, and he with it, rolling over
and over, and bellowing like a bull. Giglio roared still louder
at this disaster, but it was with laughter; so did all the Court
when Prince Bulbo got up; for though when he entered the room he
appeared not very ridiculous, as he stood up from his fall for a
moment he looked so exceedingly plain and foolish, that nobody
could help laughing at him. When he had entered the room, he was
observed to carry a rose in his hand, which fell out of it as he
tumbled.
'My rose! my rose!' cried Bulbo; and his chamberlain dashed
forwards and picked it up, and gave it to the Prince, who put it
in his waistcoat. Then people wondered why they had laughed;
there was nothing particularly ridiculous in him. He was rather
short, rather stout, rather red-haired, but, in fine, for a
Prince, not so bad.
So they sat and talked, the Royal personages together, the Crim
Tartar officers with those of Paflagonia--Giglio very comfortable
with Gruffanuff behind the throne. He looked at her with such
tender eyes, that her heart was all in a flutter. 'Oh, dear
Prince,' she said, 'how could you speak so haughtily in presence
of Their Majesties? I protest I thought I should have fainted.'
'I should have caught you in my arms,' said Giglio, looking
raptures.
'Why were you so cruel to Prince Bulbo, dear Prince?' says Gruff.
'Because I hate him,' says Gil.
'You are jealous of him, and still love poor Angelica,' cries
Gruffanuff, putting her handkerchief to her eyes.
'I did, but I love her no more!' Giglio cried. 'I despise her!
Were she heiress to twenty thousand thrones, I would despise her
and scorn her. But why speak of thrones? I have lost mine. I
am too weak to recover it--I am alone, and have no friend.'
'Oh, say not so, dear Prince!' says Gruffanuff.
'Besides,' says he, 'I am so happy here BEHIND THE THRONE that I
would not change my place, no, not for the throne of the world!'
'What are you two people chattering about there?' says the Queen,
who was rather good-natured, though not overburthened with
wisdom. 'It is time to dress for dinner. Giglio, show Prince
Bulbo to his room. Prince, if your clothes have not come, we
shall be very happy to see you as you are.' But when Prince
Bulbo got to his bedroom, his luggage was there and unpacked; and
the hairdresser coming in, cut and curled him entirely to his own
had not to wait above five-and-twenty minutes until Bulbo
appeared, during which time the King, who could not bear to wait,
grew as sulky as possible. As for Giglio, he never left Madam
Gruffanuff all this time, but stood with her in the embrasure of
a window, paying her compliments. At length the Groom of the
Chambers announced His Royal Highness the Prince of Crim Tartary!
and the noble company went into the royal dining-room. It was
quite a small party; only the King and Queen, the Princess, whom
Bulbo took out, the two Princes, Countess Gruffanuff, Glumboso
the Prime Minister, and Prince Bulbo's chamberlain. You may be
sure they had a very good dinner--let every boy or girl think of
what he or she likes best, and fancy it on the table.*
*Here a very pretty game may be played by all the children saying
what they like best for dinner.
The Princess talked incessantly all dinner-time to the Prince of
Crimea, who ate an immense deal too much, and never took his eyes
off his plate, except when Giglio, who was carving a goose, sent
a quantity of stuffing and onion sauce into one of them. Giglio
only burst out a-laughing as the Crimean Prince wiped his
shirt-front and face with his scented pocket-handkerchief. He
did not make Prince Bulbo any apology. When the Prince looked at
him, Giglio would not look that way. When Prince Bulbo said,
'Prince Giglio, may I have the honour of taking a glass of wine
with you?' Giglio WOULDN'T answer. All his talk and his eyes
were for Countess Gruffanuff, who you may be sure was pleased
with Giglio's attentions--the vain old creature! When he was not
complimenting her, he was making fun of Prince Bulbo, so loud
that Gruffanuff was always tapping him with her fan, and
saying--'Oh, you satirical Prince! Oh, fie, the Prince will
hear!' 'Well, I don't mind,' says Giglio, louder still. The
King and Queen luckily did not hear; for Her Majesty was a little
deaf, and the King thought so much about his own dinner, and,
besides, made such a dreadful noise, hobgobbling in eating it,
that he heard nothing else. After dinner, His Majesty and the
Queen went to sleep in their arm-chairs.
This was the time when Giglio began
his tricks with Prince Bulbo,
plying that young gentleman with port, sherry, madeira,
champagne, marsala, cherry-brandy, and pale ale, of all of which
Master Bulbo drank without stint. But in plying his guest,
Giglio was obliged to drink himself, and, I am sorry to say, took
more than was good for him, so that the young men were very
noisy, rude, and foolish when they joined the ladies after
dinner; and dearly did they pay for that imprudence, as now, my
darlings, you shall hear!
Bulbo went and sat by the piano, where Angelica was playing and
singing, and he sang out of tune, and he upset the coffee when
the footman brought it, and he laughed out of place, and talked
absurdly, and fell asleep and snored horridly. Booh, the nasty
pig! But as he lay there stretched on the pink satin sofa,
Angelica still persisted in thinking him the most beautiful of
human beings. No doubt the magic rose which Bulbo wore caused
this infatuation on Angelica's part; but is she the first young
woman who has thought a silly fellow charming?
Giglio must go and sit by Gruffanuff, whose old face he, too,
every moment began to find more lovely. He paid the most
outrageous compliments to her:--There never was such a
darling--Older than he was?--Fiddle-de-dee! He would marry
her--he would have nothing but her!
To marry the heir to the throne! Here was a chance! The artful
hussy actually got a sheet of paper, and wrote upon it, 'This is
to give notice that I, Giglio, only son of Savio, King of
Paflagonia, hereby promise to marry the charming and virtuous
Barbara Griselda, Countess Gruffanuff, and widow of the late
Jenkins Gruffanuff, Esq.'
'What is it you are writing, you charming Gruffy?' says Giglio,
who was lolling on the sofa, by the writing-table.
'Only an order for you to sign, dear Prince, for giving coals and
blankets to the poor, this cold weather. Look! the King and
Queen are both asleep, and your Royal Highness's order will do.'
So Giglio, who was very good-natured, as Gruffy well knew, signed
the order immediately; and, when she had it in her pocket, you
may fancy what airs she gave herself. She was ready to flounce
out of the room before the Queen herself, as now she was the wife
of the RIGHTFUL King of Paflagonia! She would not speak to
Glumboso, whom she thought a brute, for depriving her DEAR
HUSBAND of the crown! And when candles came, and she had helped
and actually practiced on a sheet of paper, 'Griselda
Paflagonia,' 'Barbara Regina,' 'Griselda Barbara, Paf. Reg.,' and
I don't know what signatures besides, against the day when she
should be Queen, forsooth!
IX. HOW BETSINDA GOT THE WARMING PAN
Little Betsinda came in to put Gruffanuff's hair in papers; and
the Countess was so pleased, that, for a wonder, she complimented
Betsinda. 'Betsinda!' she said, 'you dressed my hair very nicely
today; I promised you a little present. Here are five sh--no,
here is a pretty little ring, that I picked-- that I have had
some time.' And she gave Betsinda the ring she had picked up in
the court. It fitted Betsinda exactly.
'It's like the ring the Princess used to wear,' says the maid.
'No such thing,' says Gruffanuff, 'I have had it this ever so
long. There, tuck me up quite comfortable; and now, as it's a
very cold night (the snow was beating in at the window), you may
go and warm dear Prince Giglio's bed, like a good girl, and then
you may unrip my green silk, and then you can just do me up a
little cap for the morning, and then you can mend that hole in my
silk stocking, and then you can go to bed, Betsinda. Mind I
shall want my cup of tea at five o'clock in the morning.'
'I suppose I had best warm both the young gentlemen's beds,
Ma'am,' says Betsinda.
Gruffanuff, for reply, said, 'Hau-au-ho!--Grauhawhoo!--Hong-
hrho!' In fact, she was snoring sound asleep.
Her room, you know, is next to the King and Queen, and the
Princess is next to them. So pretty Betsinda went away for the
coals to the kitchen, and filled the royal warming-pan.
Now, she was a very kind, merry, civil, pretty girl; but there
must have been something very captivating about her this evening,
for all the women in the servants' hall began to scold and abuse
her. The housekeeper said she was a pert, stuck-up thing: the
upper-housemaid asked, how dare she wear such ringlets and
ribbons, it was quite improper! The cook (for there was a
woman-cook as well as a man-cook) said to the kitchen-maid that
she never could see anything in that creetur: but as for the
men, every one of them, Coachman, John, Buttons, the page, and
Monsieur, the Prince of Crim Tartary's valet, started up, and
said--
'My eyes!' }
'O mussey!' } 'What a pretty girl Betsinda is!'
'O jemmany!' }
'O ciel!' }
'Hands off; none of your impertinence, you vulgar, low people!'
says Betsinda, walking off with her pan of coals. She heard the
young gentlemen playing at billiards as she went upstairs: first
to Prince Giglio's bed, which she warmed, and then to Prince
Bulbo's room.
He came in just as she had done; and as soon as he saw her, 'O!
O! O! O! O! O! what a beyou--oo--ootiful creature you are! You
angel--you peri--you rosebud, let me be thy bulbul--thy Bulbo,
too! Fly to the desert, fly with me! I never saw a young
gazelle to glad me with its dark blue eye that had eyes like
shine. Thou nymph of beauty, take, take this young heart. A
truer never did itself sustain within a soldier's waistcoat. Be
mine! Be mine! Be Princess of Crim Tartary! My Royal father
will approve our union; and, as for that little carroty-haired
Angelica, I do not care a fig for her any more.'
'Go away, Your Royal Highness, and go to bed, please,' said
Betsinda, with the warming-pan.
But Bulbo said, 'No, never, till thou swearest to be mine, thou
lovely, blushing chambermaid divine! Here, at thy feet, the
Royal Bulbo lies, the trembling captive of Betsinda's eyes.'
And he went on, making himself SO ABSURD AND RIDICULOUS, that
Betsinda, who was full of fun, gave him a touch with the
warming-pan, which, I promise you, made him cry 'O-o-o-o!' in a
very different manner.
Prince Bulbo made such a noise that Prince Giglio, who heard him
from the next room, came in to see what was the matter. As soon
as he saw what was taking place, Giglio, in a fury, rushed on
Bulbo, kicked him in the rudest manner up to the ceiling, and
went on kicking him till his hair was quite out of curl.
Poor Betsinda did not know whether to laugh or to cry; the
kicking certainly must hurt the Prince, but then he looked so
droll! When Giglio had done knocking him up and down to the
ground, and whilst he went into a corner rubbing himself, what do
you think Giglio do
Betsinda, takes her hand, begs her to accept his heart, and
offers to marry her that moment. Fancy Betsinda's condition, who
had been in love with the Prince ever since she first saw him in
the palace garden, when she was quite a little child.
'Oh, divine Betsinda!' says the Prince, 'how have I lived fifteen
years in thy company without seeing thy perfections? What woman
in all Europe, Asia, Africa, and America, nay, in Australia, only
it is not yet discovered, can presume to be thy equal? Angelica?
Pish! Gruffanuff? Phoo! The Queen? Ha, ha! Thou art my
Queen. Thou art the real Angelica, because thou art really
angelic.'
'Oh, Prince! I am but a poor chambermaid,' says Betsinda,
looking, however, very much pleased.
'Didst thou not tend me in my sickness, when all forsook me?'
continues Giglio. 'Did not thy gentle hand smooth my pillow, and
bring me jelly and roast chicken?'
'Yes, dear Prince, I did,' says Betsinda, 'and I sewed Your Royal
Highness's shirt-buttons on too, if you please, Your Royal
Highness,' cries this artless maiden.
When poor Prince Bulbo, who was now madly in love with Betsinda,
heard this declaration, when he saw the unmistakable glances
which she flung upon Giglio, Bulbo began to cry bitterly, and
tore quantities of hair out of his head, till it all covered the
room like so much tow.
Betsinda had left the warming-pan on the floor while the princes
were going on with their conversation, and as they began now to
quarrel and be very fierce with one another, she thought proper
to run away.
'You great big blubbering booby, tearing your hair in the corner
there; of course you will give me satisfaction for insulting
Betsinda. YOU dare to kneel down at Princess Giglio's knees and
kiss her hand!'
'She's not Princess Giglio!' roars out Bulbo. 'She shall be
Princess Bulbo, no other shall be Princess Bulbo.'
'You are engaged to my cousin!' bellows out Giglio. 'I hate your
cousin,' says Bulbo.
'You shall give me satisfaction for insulting her!' cries Giglio
in a fury.
'I'll have your life.'
'I'll run you through.'
'I'll cut your throat.'
'I'll blow your brains out.'
'I'll knock your head off.'
'I'll send a friend to you in the morning.'
'I'll send a bullet into you in the afternoon.'
'We'll meet again,' says Giglio, shaking his fist in Bulbo's
face; and seizing up the warming-pan, he kissed it, because,
forsooth, Betsinda had carried it, and rushed downstairs. What
should he see on the landing but His Majesty talking to Betsinda,
whom he called by all sorts of fond names. His Majesty had heard
a row in the building, so he stated, and smelling something
burning, had come out to see what the matter was.
'It's the young gentlemen smoking, perhaps, sir,' says Betsinda.
'Charming chambermaid,' says the King (like all the rest of
them), 'never mind the young men! Turn thy eyes on a middle-aged
autocrat, who has been considered not ill-looking in his time.'
'Oh, sir! what will Her Majesty say?' cries Betsinda.
'Her Majesty!' laughs the monarch. 'Her Majesty be hanged. Am I
not Autocrat of Paflagonia? Have I not blocks, ropes, axes,
hangmen--ha? Runs not a river by my palace wall? Have I not
sacks to sew up wives withal? Say but the word, that thou wilt
be mine own,--your mistress straightway in a sack is sewn, and
thou the sharer of my heart and throne.'
When Giglio heard these atrocious sentiments, he forgot the
respect usually paid to Royalty, lifted up the warming-pan, and
knocked down the King as flat as a pancake; after which, Master
Giglio took to his heels and ran away, and Betsinda went off
screaming, and the Queen, Gruffanuff, and the Princess, all came
out of their rooms. Fancy their feelings on beholding their
husband, father, sovereign, in this posture!
X. HOW KING VALOROSO WAS IN A DREADFUL PASSION
As soon as the coals began to burn him, the King came to himself
and stood up. 'Ho! my captain of the guards!' His Majesty
exclaimed, stamping his royal feet with rage. O piteous