ALSO BY WENDY NORTHCUTT
The Darwin Awards: Evolution in Action
The Darwin Awards 2: Unnatural Selection
The Darwin Awards 3: Survival of the Fittest
INTELLIGENT DESIGN
Wendy Northcutt
with Christopher M. Kelly
DUTTON
The Darwin Awards 4: Intelligent Design contains cautionary tales of misadventure. It is intended to be viewed as a safety manual, not a how-to guide. The stories illustrate evolution working through natural selection: Those whose actions have lethal personal consequences are weeded out of the gene pool. Your decisions can kill you, so pay attention and stay alive.
DUTTON
Published by Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
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Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
Published by Dutton, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
First electronic edition, October 2006
Copyright © 2006 by Wendy Northcutt
All rights reserved
Illustrations by Peter McDonnell
DARWIN AWARDS is registered in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.
REGISTERED TRADEMARK—MARCA REGISTRADA
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGINGPUBLICATION DATA
Northcutt, Wendy.
The Darwin awards 4 : intelligent design / Wendy Northcutt with Christopher M. Kelly.
p. cm.
ISBN: 0-7865-8996-5
1. Stupidity—Anecdotes. 2. Stupidity—Humor. I. Kelly, Christopher M. II. Title. III. Title: Darwin awards four. IV. Title: Intelligent design.
BF431.N675 2006
081—dc22
2006023936
Set in Century Old Style and Weiss
Designed by Leonard Telesca
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This one’s for you, babe.*
If all else fails, Immortality
can always be assured
by spectacular error.
—John Kenneth Galbraith
Contents
Introduction
True intelligent design is the unerring scythe of natural selection.
What, Me Worry? Why There Are Darwin Awards
The Rules
Reproductive Dead End
Excellence
Self-selection
Maturity
Veracity
The Categories
Honorable Mentions
Personal Accounts
Picking the Winners
History of the Darwin Awards
Survival of the Fittest
Origin of the Novel Species Noodleous doubleous: Evidence for Intelligent Design
Cleaning the Gene Pool
CHAPTER 1
Vehicles
Motorcycles, trucks, trains, cars, snowmobiles, mopeds, a wheelchair, and one mountain bike—wheels spark a powerful urge to test mechanical limits. The stories in this chapter show that humans still have a long way to go, in evolving to cope with the ubiquitous dangers of our transportation system.
Discussion: AIDS, Bubonic Plague, and Human Evolution
Darwin Award: Daring Feet
Darwin Award: Rutting Contest
Darwin Award: 4-1-0 Club
Darwin Award: Auto Blotto
Darwin Award: Stepping Out
Darwin Award: The Nuisance of Seat Belts
Darwin Award: Terminal Creativity
Darwin Award: Jack Up
Darwin Award: Tree vs. Man
Darwin Award: Tunnel Vision
Darwin Award: Dope on a Rope
Darwin Award: Death Valley Daze
Darwin Award: Tree Hard, Head Empty
Darwin Award: Heck on Wheels
Darwin Award: Self-Demolition Derby
Darwin Award: Asphalt Tattoo
Honorable Mention: Overheated Engine
Honorable Mention: Clean Brake
Honorable Mention: Happy Camper
Honorable Mention: Picture-Perfect Cop
Honorable Mention: New Hog
Personal Account: Blast from the Past
Personal Account: Brake Care
Personal Account: Wild Wheelchair Ride
CHAPTER 2
Water
Water covers 70 percent of the Earth’s surface, so it’s little wonder that this is the medium in which many Darwin demises occur. We herein encounter the dangers of “snowmoboating,” the tide, frozen rivers, raging rivers, two waterfalls, one bungee cord, and even the kitchen sink! Dive into stories featuring water, where one soon sees that our evolutionary adaptations are not yet complete.
Discussion: Aquatic Apes Are People, Too!
Darwin Award: Snowmoboater
Darwin Award: Second Time’s the Charm
Darwin Award: Man Drowns in Kitchen Sink
Darwin Award: Tide Waits for No Man
Darwin Award: Cold Call
Darwin Award: Bottom of the Barrel
Darwin Award: Hurricane Blumpkin
Darwin Award: A Closer Look at Victoria Falls
Honorable Mention: Catching the Boat
Honorable Mention: Go with the Floe
Personal Account: Do-It-Yourself Bass Boat
CHAPTER 3
Women
Few women win Darwin Awards, but this book is lucky enough to have a strong selection of female applicants. We have a spy, two explosions, pilot sex and street sex, a desperate smoker, a gymnast, an amateur mechanic, and a thief. We also have a Jet Ski, a hurricane, a raging river, a roller coaster, gasoline, and an aerosol can. It is with great pleasure that I introduce these stories about feminine wiles….
Discussion: Love Bites
Darwin Award: Military Intelligence
Darwin Award: Mile High Club Failure
Darwin Award: Ultimate Quest for Airtime
Darwin Award: Right Over the Dam
Darwin Award
: Love Struck
Darwin Award: Hurricane News Junkie
Darwin Award: Dying for a Ciggie
Darwin Award: Off-Road Driving
Darwin Award: What I Can Still Do
Honorable Mention: A Fast Escape
Personal Account: Gas Spill
Personal Account: Stupid Car
Personal Account: Air Freshener
CHAPTER 4
Animals
An animal might win a Darwin Award if it migrated in the wrong direction. But in this chapter, animals are not the winners; they are the backdrop against which humans lose to Mother Nature. Enjoy these stories about elephants, snakes, raccoons, chickens, bees, bugs, birds, eels, sharks, toads, horses, and bison—animals that have the misfortune to share the planet with clueless Homo sapiens.
Discussion: “Brother, Can You Spare a Banana?”
Darwin Award: Mining for Elephants
Darwin Award: Snake Man
Darwin Award: Elephant Tail
Darwin Award: “Hazard Befell Him”
Darwin Award: Chicken to Go
Darwin Award: A Honey of a Buzz
Honorable Mention: Kills Bugs Dead
Honorable Mention: Parrot Hunter
Honorable Mention: Eel Enema
Honorable Mention: Warm Snakes
Honorable Mention: Wades with Sharks
Personal Account: Bufo marinus
Personal Account: Dodging the Draft Horse
Personal Account: Watch Where You’re Going
Personal Account: Shortcut Cut Short
CHAPTER 5
Alcohol
Alcohol plays a role in many Darwin Awards, but this is the first chapter devoted exclusively to the boneheaded things we do while inebriated. Get ready for a spy device, freeway calisthenics, saliva, bar bets, sunglasses, revenge, a beer-filled condom, window glass, a drinking glass, auto repair, firecrackers, and a submarine. Here are stories of inebriated innovations that make mice and monkeys cringe when we say we’re related to them….
Discussion: Endogenous Retroviruses and Evolution
Darwin Award: Homemade Wine
Darwin Award: Freeway Dangler
Darwin Award: Spy vs. Self
Darwin Award: Failed Frame-up
Darwin Award: Aim to Win
Darwin Award: Damned if You Do…
Darwin Award: Killer Shades
Honorable Mention: A Medical First at Oktoberfest
Personal Account: Power Over Plate Glass
Personal Account: The Man with the Iron Stomach
Personal Account: Volunteer Fireman
Personal Account: Bullet-Brain
Personal Account: BlackCats in the Pants
CHAPTER 6
Explosion/Fire
Pyrotechnics aren’t just for professionals; amateurs frequently find the allure of explosives too great to pass up. With grenades, bombs, dynamite, gasoline, a mine detonator, electricity, ammunition, acetylene, chemicals, methane, lots of fireworks, a fire-breather, a bungee cord, and even a lava lamp, there’s never a shortage of examples for fire-safety courses!
Discussion: Chicken Little Was Right
Darwin Award: Chimney-Cleaning Grenade
Darwin Award: Unsafe and Insane
Darwin Award: Do-It-Yourself Land Mine
Darwin Award: “Plug Me In”
Darwin Award: Workin’ at the Car Wash
Darwin Award: Rocketing to Glory
Darwin Award: The Army’s a Blast
Darwin Award: Human Torch
Darwin Award: Lava Lamp
Darwin Award: Amateur Bomb Inspector
Honorable Mention: Firewalls
Honorable Mention: Welding Warning
Honorable Mention: Crotch Rocket
Honorable Mention: Hot Pants
Honorable Mention: Exploding Boat
Honorable Mention: Exploding Outhouse
Honorable Mention: Flaming Bungee Jump
Honorable Mention: Cooking with Gas
Personal Account: Cleaning Solution
Personal Account: Tight Wad
Personal Account: Medieval Flambé
Personal Account: Pocket M80
CHAPTER 7
Weapons
Whether wielded on the right side of the law, the wrong side, or no side of the law at all, weapons tend to bite the hand that feeds them. Guns, grenades, knives, bullets, and axes all hold a grudge against those who abuse them. In the following stories, misused weapons themselves act as judge and jury to mete out their own form of justice….
Discussion: Forensic Analysis: Achieving Justice
Darwin Award: Surprise Attack Surprise
Darwin Award: Exploding Ex-Tortionist
Darwin Award: Shooting Blanks
Honorable Mention: Shoot ’em Off
Darwin Award: Slaughterhouse Robbery
Darwin Award: Sharp Landing
Honorable Mention: Nighttime Fun with Bullets
Honorable Mention: Baked Bullet Surprise
Honorable Mention: Self-Protection
Honorable Mention: Testosterone, Chickens, and Guns
Personal Account: Village Idiot
Personal Account: Gun-Safety Nonsense
Personal Account: Do What I Say, Not What I Do
CHAPTER 8
Miscellaneous
Some innovative Darwin Awards don’t fall into predictable categories. Enjoy the miscellaneous methods man has invented to bedevil himself, using thallium, an ice maker, trees, scaffolding, a confession, a nail gun, a homemade parachute, chocolate sauce, eletromagnets, an innocent paper-towel dispenser, and an auger—two different ways. They are all examples that one should avoid emulating, if one wants to keep the body’s metabolism running efficiently—or running at all!
Discussion: The Skinny on Fat
Darwin Award: Watch Out for That Tree!
Darwin Award: Bannister to Heaven