Salesman From Mars

  Corporal Wayne retrieved Pepper’s purse.

  “That’s a fine looking man-bag,” commented the Walmart security guard.

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  Mystery at the Museum

  by Walter Knight

  General Manny Lopez, CIA Special Agent Max Hobbs, and museum curator Bruce Boedecker, all sat facing each other in a soundproof conference room deep in the bowels of the Smithsonian Museum. Despite a deep-rooted interest in the past, General Lopez had never visited the Smithsonian and was unsure why he had been summoned.

  “Do you have an interest in Christopher Columbus?” asked Agent Hobbs, abruptly getting to the point. “No.” “Are you sure?” “You accusing me of something?” asked General Lopez, angrily rising from his chair. “What is this about?” Agent Hobbs handed Lopez an ancient Columbus relic, a diary, long archived under lock and key. “Read it,” ordered Agent Hobbs. General Lopez scowled. This arrogant fool will pay dearly. “Columbus was a great conquistador,” he said, gently holding the diary. “So, what do I care of the final ramblings of long-dead Euro-trash?”

  “A graduate student doing research on Columbus’s last days found some interesting information that was, until now, undiscovered,” explained Boedecker. “Please read the last page.”

  General Lopez carefully opened the fragile diary, turning to the end. Using a translator, Lopez read aloud the last dying words of Christopher Columbus, Admiral of the Ocean Seas. “Today General Manny Lopez, a conquistador of America’s Galactic Foreign Legion, offered to restore my respect, fortune, and youth. General Lopez sails the winds of time and knows the secret of the Fountain of Youth. General Lopez boasts a powerful America conquered the stars. As reward, and in appreciation of my great discovery of the New World, I am to trek the stars too. Destiny is to be seized, and I accept General Lopez’s gracious offer. God willing, I shall return triumphant. God bless and protect my family.”

  “You have some explaining to do, mister,” threatened Agent Hobbs.

  “What sort of sick joke is this forgery?” scoffed General Lopez, nervously sliding his hand down to his sidearm. “You cannot be serious!”

  “The journal is authentic,” explained Boedecker. “We were hoping you could shed some light on history.”