creative, you're not alive." Heyden repeated. I looked at Uncle Linden, who was smiling. "Yes, yes," he said. "That's exactly it. The
young man knows."
"Well. I don't know," I said, shaking my head. But the whole idea suddenly looked possible,
and my boasting and moaning began to frighten me. "Well, I do know," Heyden fired back, all
stirred up with hope. "Here's what we can do: I'll
negotiate a price for the motor home and tell the
owner we'll pay him cash. He'll want some sort of
guarantee, so we can use your credit card for that, but
he won't pass it through, so no one can use it to track
us down.
"We can really do this," Heyden continued, his
excitement building.
"Sure we can," Uncle Linden said, waving his
bank book. "I've got what we need right here." "We'll load up and head out. First, we'll take a
scenic trip and give Uncle Linden a chance to see
some of the beauty in this county, something else
beside big, glitzy Palm Beach hotels, and then we'll
head for New Orleans. My father will help us find
work there. I'm sure."
Heyden was speaking so fast. I couldn't catch
my breath following.
"I don't know. Heyden. I've got to think about
this."
"Think about it." he said. "Meanwhile, I'll do all the research and planning necessary. Okay. Uncle
Linden?"
"Count me in." he said. "You've just got to take
me to the bank so I can transfer some money." "We'll be back very soon and do just that."
"Heyden,"
"What?"
"Nothing," I said, looking at Uncle Linden. His
face had taken on such healthy color, and his eyes
were the brightest I could recall. I stood up. "We've
got to go. Uncle Linden. We'll be back soon." "Very soon." Heyden promised him.
"Good. Good." Uncle Linden said. "What was
that you sang? I'm leaving on a motor home?" "Don't know when I'll be back again," Heyden
followed,
"I do," Uncle Linden said. "Never."
Heyden laughed,
I opened the door quickly.
"C'mon. Heyden." I urged, practically pushing
him out the door. "Good night. Uncle Linden.' "Good night. Hannah." He stepped up to me
quickly and kissed me on the cheek. I couldn't recall
him ever doing that before. It was always I who kissed
him first,
"Thank you." he said. "Thank you for coming
by and giving me something wonderful to think
about."
"We're not just thinking about it. Uncle Linden,
We're going to do it!" Heyden told him. Then he
shook my uncle's hand, and we left. I walked quickly. "Bye." Uncle Linden called from his doorway.
"See you soon I hope."
"Everything all right?" Mrs. Robinson asked,
stepping into the lobby of the home.
"Oh, yes. yes." I said. "He's fine."
"I thought as much. I know what good effect
your visits have on him. Come back soon."
"We will." Heyden told her.
I hurried out the front door and down the steps
to Mommy's car.
"Wait up." Heyden called. "You're practically
running away from the place."
"Just get in. Heyden." I started the engine and
he got in, "What's the matter with you?"
"What's the matter with me?" I exclaimed.
"How could you do that? How could you fill him with
such a story, such an idea? Just imagine how
disappointed he's going to be when we don't do it.
He's had too many disappointments in his life
already."
"Why won't we do it?"
"Please," I said, backing out of the driveway.
"Why won't we do it?" he demanded.
"We just won't. We were just talking,
dreaming."
"I wasn't just talking. I told you I've
investigated this idea. I've been thinking and planning
it for a while now. Maybe everything is just a childish
fantasy to you. Hannah, but from where I sit, in the
world I am living in, it's the only real hope I have.
And from the way your uncle reacted and from the
things he told us, it sounds like the only real hope he
has, too.'
someone like him on the road?"
"How were you going to take him home?" "He would be near available medical attention
all the time.," I said.
"We wouldn't exactly be in the Outback.
Hannah. We'd always be close to some sort of medical
help. Besides, he doesn't sound like he needs any. It
sounds like what he's getting is slowly killing him.
You wanted to do something for him. This is it!" he
emphasized.
I took a deep breath. I felt like I was falling,
like I had impulsively started to row a canoe down a
river and now I couldn't stop. The raging water had
taken over, and it could drive me to the rocks! "But take his money? I feel like we'd be taking
advantage of him. Heyden."
"Why? We'd be giving him something he really
wants and needs. Someday we'll pay him back.
Besides." he said, sitting back. "it would be better to
take him with us. and I don't mean just because of his
money."
"What do you mean? How could it possibly be
better?"
"It will help enormously to have an adult with
us, especially him because he's your uncle. There's
enough of a family resemblance to tell people he's
your father."
"No." I said sharply. "That's the ugly rumor the
twins were exploiting."
"So let's exploit it, too, only to help us and not
hurt us. If people believe it, none will question why
we are on the road and what we are trying to do. Don't
you see how perfect this is?" he asked, the strain and
frustration in his voice.
"I do. It's just..."
"Just what?"
"Just that I'm frightened. Heyden."
"To tell you the truth. Hannah, so am I. but
what should I do? Remain here and let my mother and
my sister drag me down. Or go out there and seek a
new and better life?
"And you, do you want to remain where you
are, swimming in a pool of guilt and regret, coming
home to unhappiness every day? I can tell you
firsthand what that does to you. Before long, nothing
will look good to you. You'll hate the morning
because all it will be doing is starting another
miserable day," he said and sat back again.
"Let me think about it," I relented, "Right.
Think about it," he said sharply.
My heart was pounding. When I dropped him
off. I promised again that I would really think about it. "You know what it's like to do that. Hannah?
All this thinking and thinking? You ever stand on a
diving board when you were younger?"
"Yes."
"Remember how the longer you looked down,
the less courage you had? You had to concentrate on
the technique, the process, and then just do it,
otherwise, you would eventually retreat and you would never know what it could have been like. That's us. Think about it, but don't think about it to
o much, and whatever you do, don't look down." he advised, turned, and strode toward the front door of his dark
house.
I drove home in such a daze, I didn't even
remember the turns I had made,
.
"Where were you?" Mommy screamed down at
me. She was at the top of the stairway, apparently
alerted to my return the moment I opened the front
door. She took a step down. "Well? Go on, tell me."
she ordered.
"I had to go for a ride." I said.
"Where did you go. Hannah?"
"I went to see Heyden."
She took another step down. I looked behind
her and down the hallway. Where was Miguel? "And then where did you go?" she followed. It
was obvious from the way she looked at me and the
tone in her voice that she already knew the answer, "I went to see Uncle Linden. I was worried
about him after what you told me."
"Even though I forbade you to do it, you went
ahead and did it, is that it?"
"I did what I thought was right. Mommy." "You are not to use my car again. Ever!" she
screamed. "Now go to your room and don't you dare
to set foot off this property except to go to school,
understand?"
"I will not permit the madness to give life to the
curse on this family. I will not permit it. I will fight it
now, fight it tooth and nail." she vowed, lifting her
right fist in the air.
She continued to look up at the ceiling. "You took my baby, but you will regret it," she
threatened. Whom was she threatening? God? Fate?
Me?
"Go to your room." she ordered, turned, and
walked back upstairs.
I went looking for Miguel instead and found
him in the library, sitting at the desk and sipping from
a glass of bourbon, the bottle beside him. He was
staring out the window, reminding me of Uncle
Linden. actually.
"Miguel?"
He turned slowly. "Oh, Hannah. I came
downstairs looking for you, wondering why you
hadn't come up to tell me about dinner, and Lila said
she heard you leave. You took Willow's car without
her permission or mine?"
"I just felt I had to get away for a while." "Your mother was very upset. She went to the
phone, and she called Mrs. Robinson, who told her
you and that boy had just left. Why did you do that.
Hannah? Why? Are you deliberately adding fuel to
the fire of her sorrow, my sorrow?"
"No, just the opposite."
"Just the opposite?" He shook his head. "You
have a funny way of doing just the opposite. Selfish.
That's all. Thinking only of yourself. Maybe you can't
help it Maybe you inherited it from your father." he
said bitterly and took another sip of his straight
bourbon.
"That's not fair. Miguel."
"I'm tired," he said. "Tired of protecting
everyone, tired of fighting for happiness. Maybe there
is something here we can't stop. Go on. Hannah. Go
on to bed. You have to bear responsibility for your
actions now. I'm not going to get in between you and
your mother on this. I hope you'll come to your senses
and make a change." he said and turned away. "I have
my own pain to endure. I'm not taking on anyone
else's for the moment." he muttered,
Stunned and deeply hurt, so much so I felt mortally wounded. I was speechless. This time my tears did burn my eyes. I let them roll dawn my cheeks and fly off with my quick stride out of the library, through the corridor, and up the stairs to my room where I slammed my door shut and sat on my bed, the fury in me feeling like a small hurricane building and building and threatening to burst and
blow me apart. I wanted it to do just that.
What was it Miguel had said: He hoped I would
make a change?
Yes, Miguel, that's exactly what I will do, I
thought, and I went to my phone.
Heyden picked up after one ring.
"Hey," he said. "Sorry I was so hard on von. I
understand what you're feeling, how scary this whole
idea is for you, and I guess--"
"No, you don't." I said quickly. "Make the
arrangements. We're taking Uncle Linden and we're
leaving as soon as you can arrange it."
"Really?"
"Just do it!" I nearly screamed.
"Okay, okay. Hey." he said. "you're not going
to regret this.'
"What difference does it make what I regret and
don't regret? I just want to do something good for someone and you're right: Taking Uncle Linden out of there is the best thing we can do for him. At least
someone really wants me, needs me."
"Two someones," Heyden said. "Don't forget
me."
"I won't," I said, smiling through my fury and
drying my eyes. "I'll get right on it." he promised. "Oh. I can't use the car anymore. Heyden. How
are we going to get back to Uncle Linden to tell him
we're really going to do it and he should get his
money transferred?"
"We'll use my moped. It will take us longer, but
we can get over there. When we have to take him to
the bank, we'll get a taxicab. These aren't big
problems. Hannah. Trust me. I'll solve it all and take
over from here."
"How can I do that? Mommy and Miguel are
going to be sure I come right home from school. I've
been forbidden to set foot off the property." "So go right home. You can sneak out
afterward, can't you?" "Yes. I suppose I can." All these little acts of disobedience were like
little lies. tiny leaks that soon gushed and took over
completely.
"Then there's no problem. We'll plan it all out
in school tomorrow. Start packing," he said. And that was just what I thought I would begin
to do.
.
The following morning Heyden and I met like
two conspirators in school, keeping ourselves far
enough away from anyone else so no one could
overhear any of our conversation. Half the time I
found we were whispering. Oh, my friends were
watching us and talking about us. I could see that, but
none of them had any idea what we were plotting. Heyden had downloaded a copy of the motorhome description with pictures on his computer and
showed it to me.
"You can see we have lots of room for us and
Uncle Linden," he said.
"What if he gets frightened. Heyden?" "Of what?"
"He's never really been away. He's only been in
hospitals and homes and Joya del Mar."
"He won't get frightened as long as we are
confident." he insisted. 'We have just got to keep our
own fears and nervousness covered up well." He looked down and then up and smiled, "I
made the deal."
"You did?"
"And once he heard it was for cash, it was even
a better one than I originally thought. I have to bring
the money to the owner as soon as possible. Right
after you get home, you'll get out and we'll go to
Uncle Linden and take him to the bank so he can
make his withdrawal.'
"But what if Mrs. Robinson gets wind of this?
We can't just take him off in a cab. She lets me take
him
for walks, but she's never let me take him in a cab
or in the car. I would need Mommy's permission
first."
Heyden thought a moment.
"What we'll do is pretend we're just taking him
for a walk, and about a block or so away we'll get the
cab. Then we'll get the motor home and leave." "Leave. You mean today?"
"Of course. I can't park the thing by my house.
We've got to go. You told me last night to make the
arrangements as soon as possible. I did exactly what
you told me to do."
"But... what about my things?"
"You didn't pack a lot I hope?"
I looked down.
"You didn't pack at all, did you?" he asked, his
voice dripping with disappointment.
I shook my head. "Why not?"
"I don't know. I started to and then I was
worried someone would see what I had done. I didn't
think we were really going to go this soon."
"You called me. You led me to believe you had
decided. You--"
"I know. I know. Don't keep telling me that." I thought a moment.
He watched me, his face full of anticipation. He
didn't even look as if he was breathing.
"All right." I said. "I know what I want to take.
It won't take me fifteen minutes to put it all in a
suitcase."
"Do you have something like a duffel bag,
something soft so we can tie it to the moped?" "No. At least. I don't think I do."
"Then fill up a pillowcase. That's what I did.
And tie it and that'll do just fine."
"My dresses, shoes, blouses, and skirts, in a
pillowcase?"
'Hannah, we don't need all that much to start.
We'll get things as we go along. This isn't one of your
ritzy vacations. We're going to be on the road,
roughing it. We'll have to do the same for Uncle Linden: buy him what he needs as we go along. You're not thinking realistically. You're still not serious enough about this," Heyden said, shaking his
head.
"Yes. I am," I insisted, "All right, I'll manage. I
promise."
He thought a moment. "Go home from school
now," he said suddenly.
"What?"
"Go on. Go complain about a stomachache or
something and get picked up or delivered home. I can
see you'll need a little more time to prepare, a lot more
than I will."
"But..."
I was going to say I had to attend my next class.
We were having an exam, but the ridiculousness of
that struck me like a rock in my forehead, If I was
really leaving, nothing I did here mattered anymore. "What?" he asked, looking frantic.