The Growing Pains of Adrian Mole

  Did I really write a poem called ‘Autumn Renewal?’

  I must have written it while the balance of my mind was disturbed in April.

  British Broadcasting Corporation

  30th May

  Dear Adrian Mole,

  I do not think I will call you ‘Aidy’ and I think that it is a little premature in our correspondence for you to call me ‘Johnny’. In fact I am never known as ‘Johnny’, only as ‘John’. I do not wish to sound like a stuffy old grown-up, but when you are writing to people officially it is polite for one of your years to address them formally - though I do not mind, at this stage in our correspondence, your addressing me as ‘Dear John Tydeman’. But ‘Johnny’, no! I do have several nicknames by which my friends know me but I am not going to reveal them to you. They relate largely to my surname rather than my Christian name.

  Your last letter was altogether rather peculiar. Had you been at your parents’ cocktail cabinet by any chance? Or had you drained the dregs of the previous night’s vino? I do hope you had not tried glue-sniffing again. At least I am very pleased to hear that you have decided not to kill yourself this year. It would be a shocking waste. A poet can only die young when he has written a number of successful poems - vide: Keats, Shelley, Chatterton and co. Most poets write drivel in their old age - vide: Wordsworth and quite a lot of Tennyson. I am sure your mother would miss you very much, so it is best that you remain alive.

  Perhaps under the influence of something or other, your grammar seems to have gone to pot, eg: ‘I have wrote some.’ But your poem ‘Autumn Renewal’ certainly has its moments. I like the pun about chaps. A bit rude though. ‘Dandeline’ (sic - not ‘sick’!) is actually spelt ‘dandelion’ so you can’t make it rhyme with ‘decline’ nor ‘Vaseline’ – try as you will.

  Do not worry about our files. They will be shredded before the KGB can get to them. Your secrets are safe in Ware and Caversham.

  With my best wishes and continued good luck with your writing efforts.

  Yours,

  John Tydeman

  WEDNESDAY JUNE 1st

  This will be my last entry; until the exams are over.

  Courtney Elliot is coming round to give me last-minute coaching; must stop, his taxi has just drawn up outside.

  THURSDAY JUNE 2ND

  My parents went to see a family therapist last night. During their absence Pandora and I indulged in extremely heavy petting; so heavy that I felt a weight fall from me.

  If I don’t pass my exams it won’t matter.

  I have known what it is to have the love of a good woman.