a little high will help me understand your philosophy.
PETER
(Smiling)
It can’t hurt.
(They leave. Sally continues talking earnestly to the unseen woman as the light and noise fade)
Scene Seven:
SETTING:The student lounge.
AT RISE: Chris and Peter back in their usual positions. Peter is still wearing his new jeans and denim shirt. Chris is dressed as before.
PETER
God. You said that you’d deliver and you did. Boy, did you deliver. You are the man.
CHRIS
(ready to get angry)
What do you mean? You didn’t bang Sally, did you?
PETER
No, no. That’s why you sent her friend along, too, right? That was the big payoff for leaving Sally alone. I leave Sally alone and I get Judy.
CHRIS
Judy?
PETER
Yeah. You know. Sally’s friend.
CHRIS
Sally had a friend?
PETER
Yeah. I go to pick Sally up, this other girl, Judy, gets into the car, too. She was for me.
CHRIS
She said that?
PETER
No. Of course not. But I knew as soon as I saw her that you must have sent her along for me. She was a real tomato. That’s why you picked her for me.
CHRIS
You nailed Sally’s friend?
PETER
Well, I didn’t technically nail her. I was too wasted. We just fooled around a little.
(pauses)
Well, we fooled around a lot, actually. But she was happy with it. I did like you said. I tried to impress her a little. She seemed to think it was a big thing that I was a graduate student. She did a couple of undergraduate years, then dropped out. Lost her motivation, I think. But she’s smart. She’s getting her life straightened out again. I bet she goes back the school before long. I’m going to ask her out again. Then, who knows?
CHRIS
Fine. If you want to have a romance with Sally’s friend, I won’t stop you. But leave Sally alone.
PETER
No problem. Judy’s enough woman for me.
CHRIS
So what about Sally. How did she do at the party? What did she do?
PETER
I don’t know. I was pretty busy with Judy.
CHRIS
(annoyed)
I told you to stay with Sally. Make sure no one hit on her or slipped anything into her drink or anything.
PETER
That wasn’t a problem. I don’t think that she ever had a drink for anyone to slip anything into. Not even a Coke.
CHRIS
Good. So what did she do all night?
PETER
As near as I could see, she spent all night talking to people.
CHRIS
What people?
PETER
There was one girl who was sitting by herself when we came in, real weepy. Drew Sally like a magnet. Then later, I noticed a couple having an argument that was getting out of hand. Next thing I know, Sally was in there, talking at them.
CHRIS
What was she saying?
PETER
I don’t know. Judy was kind of busy with my ears at the time. I wasn’t hearing much besides her breath. She’s got this great throaty little moan. You gotta hear it to appreciate it.
CHRIS
Enough with Judy already. I want to know what Sally was doing.
PETER
I don’t know. You’ll have to ask her about it. I wasn’t around much after that.
CHRIS
So what time did they leave?
PETER
I don’t know. Not too late. Must have been around midnight? Maybe two? It’s hard to know. Drugs really screw with my sense of time.
CHRIS
(pedantic)
Well, what time did you take them home?
PETER
I don’t think I took them home. I think I remember them going out together some time later. Sally probably called a cab. She was talking about taking a cab home. I crashed at Henry’s. I was too wasted to drive. I didn’t leave until after the cock crowed thrice.
CHRIS
You don’t know what Sally was doing all night?
PETER
Nope.
CHRIS
You don’t know for sure if they left with anyone else?
PETER
Nope.
CHRIS
So you don’t even know if they got home all right?
PETER
Nope.
CHRIS
You are useless.
PETER
(Grins)
Not according to Judy.
(The lights fade out)
Scene Eight:
SETTING:Sally’s room again.
AT RISE:Sally and Judy are dressed in skirts and blouses – the ones we saw before. Sally shows little imagination in her fashion choices and Judy follows Sally’s lead.
SALLY
Good thing I brought cab fare last night. Peter was in no shape to drive us home. He could barely stand up.
JUDY
(dreamily)
Yeah. He was a real party animal, all right.
SALLY
(Accusingly)
So were you.
JUDY
Hey, it wasn’t like that. I just shared a couple of joints with him.
SALLY
(shocked)
Joints? You mean marijuana?
JUDY
Yeah, marijuana.
SALLY
You were smoking marijuana?
JUDY
Well, yeah. You knew that. You saw me.
SALLY
(indignant)
I did not!
JUDY
Well, you knew I was in the back where the weed was.
SALLY
I though that you were just drinking a little beer. I didn’t know you were using drugs, too.
JUDY
Hey, don’t get all upset over me. It’s not like I was shooting up or anything. I didn’t smoke a whole joint. I just had a couple of tokes to be polite. Peter was blowing most of it. I didn’t even get high. Just took a bit of the edge off.
SALLY
I never should have taken you there.
JUDY
I’m sure glad I didn’t let you go alone. That was no place for an innocent like you.
SALLY
I’m not that innocent.
JUDY
Sure, you’re a regular party animal. What did you do last night? You spend all night holding that woman’s hand and giving her a shoulder to cry on?
SALLY
Sophie? No. Not all night. We just talked for a while. She needed help.
JUDY
What kind of help? Scoring more drugs?
SALLY
No. She wasn’t using drugs. She was sad. Her boyfriend broke up with her. He brought her to the party, then left with another woman. She needed to talk to someone about it.
JUDY
(amused)
And you just happened along at the right time?
SALLY
And it was a good thing, too. She was really hurting. When they arrived, her boyfriend’s old girlfriend was already there. He started talking to her about old times, and when Sophie tried to talk to them, too, he told her to go get a drink to get rid of her. Then she told him that she couldn’t drink because she might be pregnant. And then they had a big fight and he left with the old girlfriend.
JUDY
She’s pregnant?
SALLY
Maybe. She doesn’t know. She’s only a couple of days late. But she might be.
JUDY
And she innocently happened to spring the happy news on him in the middle of a party?
SALLY
Well, yeah.
JUDY
(dryly)
Yeah. Because she was jealous of the old f
lame and she wanted to grab hold of him by the balls.
SALLY
(shocked at Judy’s language)
Oh, no. I don’t think it was like that. She was upset because she was pregnant and she was afraid that he might not marry her.
JUDY
(weary)
She’s not pregnant. Women are a couple of days late all the time. He was dealing the old friend back into the game, so she played her emotional trump card. But he called her bluff and she was unhappy that she lost the hand. That’s it.
SALLY
You are so cynical.
JUDY
You are so naïve.
SALLY
(defensive)
I am not naïve.
No? Ok, then. What did you say to her?
SALLY
I told her that God had a plan. That she was part of God’s plan.
JUDY
(sarcastic)
I bet that went over well.
SALLY
(missing the irony)
No, not really. She didn’t believe me at first.
JUDY
So you had to convince her.
SALLY
I told her that I knew because I talked to God and He was helping me. He could help her, too. I told her that we could talk to God together.
JUDY
So you prayed with her?
SALLY
Oh, no. I invited her to come down to the mall on Monday and talk to God with me.
JUDY
(disbelieving)
You told her to come down to the mall to talk to that lunatic?
SALLY
Sure. Why pray for help when you can talk to God in person?
JUDY
Oh, Sally, Sally, Sally. What am I going to do with you?
SALLY
Come with us on Monday and talk to Him. It will be all right. He’ll forgive you for using drugs last night.
JUDY
You and me and Sophie just hanging with God at the mall. What a touching scene that would be.
SALLY
Uh…Sophie and George and Janice and… Who else?… Oh, yeah, the Fitzjohn brothers.
JUDY
Who are they?
SALLY
The Fitzjohns? They’re just a couple of guys. Ian and Gerry. No big deal with them. They’re in university, but Gerry wants to drop out. He’s not happy there. But they’re scared to tell their parents because university is a big deal for them. It’s a family problem.
JUDY
And the others?
SALLY
George and Janice? They are upset about their pickup truck. She lent him the money for it and now she wants it back. He says that he repaid her already by giving her cocaine. She says that the cocaine was a gift, but the money for the truck was a loan. So I told them that God would help them sort out their problem.
JUDY
God is going to help them with their drug deals? That’s some God you’ve got down there in the mall.
SALLY
He’s going to help them see the light.
JUDY
So you told all those people that you talk to God in the mall? And you told them to come on down and God would bless them, too. Just like he did with you?
SALLY
Well, yes. I mean, they all have their problems. They all need to talk to God and get help.
JUDY
You need to get help. Forget about this lunatic who says he’s God. The men in white coats to come down with their giant butterfly nets and put you into the insane asylum.
SALLY
God gives me all the help that I need.
JUDY
I don’t think so.
SALLY
(earnestly)
He would help you, too. If you asked.
JUDY
(dryly)
First you want me to ask your lunatic for forgiveness and then you want me to ask him for help? I really don’t think so.
SALLY
(earnestly)
It’s ok. I’m sure that He’d help you.
JUDY
I am sure that I don’t need his kind of help.
SALLY
Are you really sure? What were you doing last night when I was witnessing for all these people? I mean, besides drinking and smoking dope?
JUDY
Not much. Mostly just talking to Peter.
SALLY
Well, I think that you’d be better off talking to God than talking to this Peter guy who was drunk and stoned and all.
JUDY
Even Peter stoned suits me better than a lunatic on his best day, thank you very much.
SALLY
So you are not going to come down to the mall on Monday?
JUDY
I surely am going to be there. It’s going to be the hottest show in town. You couldn’t keep me away.
(The lights fade out)
Scene Nine:
SETTING:At the mall.
AT RISE:Judy is sitting on a bench on one side of the stage. Chris walks onstage in company of Sally from the other direction. He does not pay any attention to Judy, not knowing who she is. He keeps looking back over his shoulder.
SALLY
(Looks back offstage, calling to people that we do not see)
Just wait a minute, we’ll be right back.
CHRIS
(upset, but trying to stay calm)
Who the hell are those people?
SALLY
Just Sophie and Gerry Fitzjohn. Gerry said that Ian couldn’t make it and I don’t know what happened to George and Janice.
CHRIS
What are they doing here?
SALLY
They’ve come to meet you.
CHRIS
Well, I didn’t come here to meet them.
SALLY
They need God’s help.
CHRIS
You need God’s help. That’s why I’m here. For you. They can go find their own God.
SALLY
If you are my God, then you’re their God, too. My God is the God of everyone, not just me.
CHRIS
(pauses while the implication sinks in)
God damn.
(looks at Sally who is looking up at him expectantly, her adoration plain on her face)
God damn.
(pauses to think)
Ok. We’ve got to get some ground rules straight, here.
SALLY
Ok.
CHRIS
I didn’t manifest myself to be a messiah this time around. I don’t fancy another crucifixion today, thank you very much. So, I won’t minister to a whole congregation, just to you. I am your personal God. Period. I’m not talking to anyone else.
SALLY
But–
CHRIS
(Ignoring Sally’s attempt to protest)
–If someone else has a problem, then they can tell you and you can tell me. I’ll give you the advice and you can take it back to them if you want.
SALLY
But–
CHRIS
–So we will start like that today.
SALLY
How?
CHRIS
Like I said. You tell me what problems they have and I will tell you what they should do.
SALLY
(dubiously)
Ok.
CHRIS
Ok.
SALLY
But I don’t see why you can’t just tell them yourself. I mean, if they’re all here and you are here–
CHRIS
Because that’s how it’s going to have to work. I know that you don’t understand, but that’s all right. You don’t expect that you are going to understand everything in God’s plan, do you?
SALLY
No, but–
CHRIS
Right. Well, this is a part of my plan that you don’t have to understand. Either it works like I say, or you tell them to go away right now.
SALLY
(quickly)
No, that’s all right. I’m sure that they’ll appreciate your help, even if they have to hear it through me.
CHRIS
Right. So why don’t we get started.
SALLY
Ok. Well, the first problem is that Sophie might be pregnant and her boyfriend has left her and taken up with her old girlfriend again.
CHRIS
Sophie?
SALLY
Yes, Sophie.
CHRIS
(pauses for a long while, lost in thought)
Tell her to make a dulcimer.
SALLY
What?
CHRIS
Tell her that God wants her to make a dulcimer.
SALLY
What do you mean? Make Lucifer?
CHRIS
Not Lucifer.
(pronouncing each syllable)
Dul-ci-mer. Dulcimer. It’s a medieval musical instrument that is used for folk music in the Southern mountains today. It is kind of like a small guitar with no neck.
SALLY
How can she make one of those?
CHRIS
She will have to find plans and then learn about woodworking.
SALLY
What about her being pregnant and her boyfriend leaving her?
CHRIS
She’s only a little bit pregnant. And she’s only a little bit abandoned. Tell her to make a dulcimer.
SALLY
What is she supposed to do with this dulcimer once she has built it?
CHRIS
Learn to play it, of course.
SALLY
But…
(pauses, looks at his stern face, then says, dubiously)
Ok, if you say so, then I’ll tell her to make a dulcimer.
CHRIS
I say so.
SALLY
And what about Gerry?
CHRIS
What about Gerry?
SALLY
He wants to drop out of university, but his parents really want him to graduate.
CHRIS
(thinks for a while, then says)
Tell him to change his major to art history.
SALLY
So he should not drop out?
CHRIS
Just tell him to change his major to art history.
SALLY
That’s it?
CHRIS
That’s it.
SALLY
(Dubiously)
Sophie makes a dulcimer and Gerry changes his major to art history.
CHRIS
Right.
SALLY
If you say so.
CHRIS
God says so.
(Sally walks to the edge of the stage and starts talking quietly to unseen people. Chris watches her dispassionately. While Sally is talking and Chris is watching, Peter enters near where Judy is sitting. Peter is still dressed in his new blue jeans and denim shirt. Because both are watching Chris and Sally, who are facing away, neither notices each other until they are right next to each other. Both notice each other at the same time and are equally surprised)
JUDY
(to Peter; Chris and Sally do not hear them)
Hi, Peter. What are you doing here?
PETER
Oh… Hi, Judy… Just… I’m just doing a bit of shopping.
JUDY
Do you come here a lot?
PETER
Um… Not a lot.
JUDY
(gestures toward Chris)
Do you know him?
PETER
Um… No. Don’t know him. Nope. Not at all.
JUDY
I was just wondering because you were here the last time Sally and I came down.
PETER
Yeah?
JUDY
Yes. You remember. That was when Sally asked you to take us to the party.
PETER
Oh, yeah. I remember. Yeah. Cool. I was just hanging around. I guess I hang around here sometimes. What about you? Why are you here?
JUDY
Sally comes down here to talk to him.
PETER
Oh.
(a pause)
So, do you, like, want to go out sometime? Like maybe on Saturday? Maybe to a movie? The campus film society shows movies on Saturday nights. I think they’re showing Harold and Maude this week.
JUDY
Who are they?
PETER
It’s a film It was made in the sixties. So do you want to go? Or something?
JUDY
Yeah. I’d like to go.
PETER
Cool. I’ll call you. Maybe we can have dinner, too?
JUDY
I’d like that. You have a piece of paper?
PETER
Paper?
JUDY
For my number?
PETER
It’s ok. Just tell me. I’ll remember.
JUDY
three nine nine two zero zero four.
PETER
Cool.
(He wanders off)
SALLY
(Sally waves at the unseen people, then returns to Chris who never noticed Peter’s entrance and exit. She speaks to Chris)
I told them like you said.
CHRIS
Good.
SALLY
They looked kind of puzzled about it.
CHRIS
(shrugs)
Will they do it?
SALLY
They better. Instructions from God’s mouth to their ear. I told them about Jonah.
CHRIS
Ignore God and get swallowed by a whale?
SALLY
That’s right.
CHRIS
(laughing)
You never know when you are going to run into a whale around here.
SALLY
I’m sure that you could provide one if you wanted.
CHRIS
I’ve got to go now.
SALLY
Will you be back here?
CHRIS
Sure. Next Monday. Right here. Same time.
SALLY
See you then.
(Chris waves and wanders away)
(The lights fade out)
Scene Ten:
SETTING: An urban street at night.
AT RISE:Peter and Judy are walking through the night, leaving the movie. Judy is dressed as at the party and Peter is wearing his new jeans and shirt.
PETER
Great flick.
(Belatedly remembering that he should consider his date’s opinion)
Did you like it?
JUDY
It was different. I was really shocked when Harold hung himself.
PETER
I still think it’s great when he gives that little wave just before setting himself on fire.
JUDY
It was kind of cute when he stabbed himself in the stomach.
PETER
And when he shot himself in the head–
JUDY
–It makes me want to learn to play a banjo.
PETER
(Forgetting that Judy is not in on the scam)
Or a dulcimer.
JUDY
(Instantly suspicious)
What do you know about dulcimers?
PETER
(Appalled at his slip)
Um… It’s a folk instrument. Kind of like a guitar, but with a long resonating box and no neck.
JUDY
Do you know that guy who hangs out in the mall who claims to be God?
PETER
Uh… No.
JUDY
You never saw him when you were hanging around down there?
Peter
Uhh… Maybe.
JUDY
(Certain that he is lying, asked matter-of-factly)
What’s his name?
PETER
(Knows that he cannot maintain the lie any longer)
JUDY
How do you know him?
PETER
He’s a graduate student, too.
JUDY
In philosophy? Like you?
PETER
Yeah. Just like me. Except that his specialty is ethics and he’s a year closer to finishing.
Judy
(angry)
Ethics. Right. He’s some ethical guy.
peter
It’s a complicated subject. Subtle.
JUDY
He’s not so subtle. You know what he’s been telling Sally?
PETER
Yeah. I know about the whole God scam.
JUDY
(angry)
So he’s not a lunatic, just a liar.
PETER
Well…yeah. I guess you could look at it that way.
JUDY
(angrier)
Is there any other way that you could look at it?
PETER
As experimental philosophy. Chris is an empiricist.
JUDY
(Flatly. Without embarrassment)
I don’t know what that means.
PETER
Ah… Well… Yeah.
(defeated)
It means that he’s lying to her. He doesn’t really think that he’s God. In fact, he’s an atheist.
JUDY
He doesn’t believe in God at all?
PETER
No. His position is stronger than that. He has a firm belief that God does not exist. His belief that there is no God is as much an act of faith as your belief that there is a God.
JUDY
Well, Sally believes that there’s a God; and your Chris asshole told her that he’s Him; and she believes him. She worships him. Literally. She’s a great kid. What do you think is going to happen when she finds out that he’s lying to her?
PETER
Chris says that she is going to be better for it. She’s going to learn about critical thinking. It’s just like teaching our own students.
JUDY
Bullshit. She’s going to be crushed. She doesn’t deserve that. She’s a really great person. She’s spent her whole life trying to help people. You think she likes sitting in the middle of the mall in her uniform collecting donations? She’s a shy person. She has to force herself to go out there every time. But she does that because she knows that it helps people who really need help.
PETER
Chris says that it’s just begging for money. That it’s degrading. There are better ways to get money to help people. Like from the government.
JUDY
(really angry)
It’s not just begging for money. It’s putting yourself out there for them. I know. She was out there for me.
PETER
For you?
JUDY
That’s right. For me. Two years ago. Oh, I didn’t look like I was in too bad shape. But I was on the edge of the abyss and I couldn’t see the bottom. She saw me shoplifting some lipstick right here in this mall and she started talking to me about God and what was right and what was wrong. She saw that I was already down and sinking fast. She saw that better than my so-called friends; and she cared a hell of a lot more than anyone else. She wouldn’t give up until she saved me, body and soul. And now Chris’ going to hurt her bad.
PETER
(apologetic)
I don’t think he wants to hurt her.
JUDY
Sure he does. He knew that from the start. There’s no way that he can’t hurt her. And you… You are in on it, too. You’re just as big an asshole as he is.
PETER
Wait. I’m not part of this. This was all his idea.
JUDY
You knew all about it from the start.
PETER
(hanging his head)
Yes.
JUDY
And you didn’t warn her that it was all a scam?
PETER
No.
JUDY
And you didn’t try to stop him?
PETER
No.
JUDY
You asshole.
PETER
Hey. Don’t get all down on me. I don’t agree with this any more than you do.
JUDY
I find that pretty hard to believe when you’ve been going along with it for weeks.
PETER
(utterly miserable)
I guess you don’t wanna go for a drink, now?
JUDY
(mimicking him)
No, I don’t wanna go for a drink, now. Not with you. I’m going home alone. I’ve got to figure out a way to get Sally out of this.
PETER
Bummer… Wait a minute. He’s meeting her back at the mall on Monday. I’ll try to think of something before then. I’ll talk to him.
JUDY
(frosty)
Whatever.
(The lights fade out)
Scene Eleven:
SETTING: The graduate student lounge.
AT RISE:Peter and Chris are standing, rather than lounging as usual.
PETER
(trying to be assertive with Chris for the first time in his life; he goes a little overboard with it)
So what’s with you and this whole God scam thing?
CHRIS
(taken by surprise)
What do you mean?
PETER
I mean, are you trying to scam your way into Sally’s pants or not?
CHRIS
I was never trying to get into her pants.
PETER
That’s not the impression that I got from you a few weeks ago.
CHRIS
That was your impression because that’s where you were coming from. That wasn’t what I was doing.
PETER
Yeah? Well I’m not coming from there any more. So what is your big goal here if it isn’t to get into her pants? Just to humiliate her in front of her friends?
CHRIS
She’s the one who’s dragging her friends into it. Not me. I never wanted this to be a big public thing.
PETER
But that was kind of inevitable, wasn’t it? I mean, how in hell could you think that you were going to convince her that she was God’s best buddy and not expect her to tell anyone else? Or didn’t you plan that far ahead? If you are going to screw with someone’s head, don’t you think you have an obligation to think it through a little?
CHRIS
What is it with you all of a sudden? It’s just a lark. No harm, no foul. Now you’re coming down on me like I’m some kind of bad guy.
PETER
I see a lot of harm; a pretty big foul. Sally and Judy are nice people. They spend all their time trying hard to help other people. I don’t see you and me trying to help anyone.
CHRIS
I am trying to help her. I’m trying to teach her about what’s true and what’s not. I’m trying to show her that she has been basing her life on a lie.
PETER
Well, so far, you’ve done a pretty lousy job of it. All you’ve done is feed her a whole bunch of new lies, knowing that she was going to believe them. Where’s the truth part? Where’s the learning part? You’re the big ethics expert. Where’s the ethics part?
CHRIS
The learning part comes when she figures out that I’m not God after all.
PETER
How’s she going to figure that out?
(Chris shrugs)
PETER (cont’d)
What if she never figures it out?
CHRIS
Some people never learn some things. That’s just the way the world is. There’s nothing that we can do about that.
PETER
That’s not good enough. This whole God scam isn’t about the way the world is. It’s about the way you are. You told the lies. You led her on. You bullied her into doing what you wanted. You are responsible for the whole mess. Don’t try to blame the rest
of the world. You did it and now you better figure out how to fix it.
CHRIS
It’s not up to me to fix it. It’s up to Sally to figure out what she has to do.
PETER
No it’s not. She is doing what she does because she believes in you. You wanted to have all the power. Now you’ve got it. And it’s up to you to figure out how to use it to fix this mess.
CHRIS
I can’t fix it because I didn’t break it. Sally’s gullibility is the problem, not my ridiculous claims.
PETER
It is your problem because you started the whole thing. No one asked you to tell her that you were God. You thought that up all by yourself.
CHRIS
I don’t see why you’re getting so hot about this.
PETER
I’m tired of watching you jerk people around. You can’t do that.
CHRIS
Sure I can. You do the same thing. We do every day with every student in our classes. It’s called teaching. It’s making people think for themselves. I don’t know why you’re making such a big personal deal out of this… Wait a minute! I get it. I’m pretty slow to catch on, aren’t I? This isn’t about Sally. It’s about Judy. You’ve fallen for her. So is this some kind of Lysistrata thing? Judy won’t put out for you unless I get straight with Sally? That’s it, isn’t it? It was great when it was just me and Sally, but all of a sudden it’s all about you and Judy and now it’s not so great.
PETER
Leave Judy out of this. You’re dragging in a red herring to try to avoid admitting that you’ve got an ethical responsibility to Sally. But I’m not buying it. You have to get straight with her.
CHRIS
Sally’s got to get her own head straight.
PETER
You’ve got to get your own head straight.
CHRIS
Bah.
(Chris waves his hand dismissively in Peter’s direction and leaves in a huff)
(The lights fade out)
Scene Twelve:
SETTING: The mall.
AT RISE: Sally, Chris, Peter, and Judy congregate.