GODSCAM
A Play in Twelve Scenes
by
Thom Whalen
Copyright (c) 2015 Thom Whalen
All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction, either in whole or in part, in any form. This play is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictionally. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
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GODSCAM
CAST OF CHARACTERS
CHRISTOPHER THOMAS. 26. A young man.
PETER SMITH. 23. Chris’ friend.
SALLY JOHNSON. 21. A member of an evangelical religious order.
JUDY JONES. 23. Sally’s friend; a member of the same evangelical religious order.
THE TIME
The present. November.
THE PLACE
Any large city, with a suburban shopping mall and a prestigious university; a city similar to the one in which the play is staged.
Scene 1. A shopping mall. Afternoon. The third Monday in November.
Scene 2. A graduate student lounge. Evening. The third Monday in November.
Scene 3. Sally’s small, spartan apartment. Evening. The third Monday in November.
Scene 4. The shopping mall. Afternoon. The last Monday in November.
Scene 5. The graduate student lounge. Evening. The last Monday in November.
Scene 6. The living room of a large apartment. Evening. The first Saturday in December.
Scene 7. The graduate student lounge. Morning. The first Monday in December.
Scene 8. Sally’s apartment. Morning. The first Monday in December.
Scene 9. The shopping mall. Afternoon. The first Monday in December.
Scene 10. A street near the university. Night. The second Saturday in December.
Scene 11. The graduate student lounge. Morning. The second Monday in December.
Scene 12. The shopping mall. Afternoon. The second Monday in December.
GODSCAM
Scene One
SETTING:A typical suburban shopping mall. The storefronts are decorated with tinsel and lights for Christmas. A stool and tripod with a round red pot are sitting in the middle of the space.
AT RISE:A young woman, 21, (Sally) is sitting on the low stool next to the tripod and pot. She is dressed in a Salvation Army uniform. Her hands are folded in her lap and she nods and smiles shyly at unseen passers-by.
CHRIS
(Walks up to Sally, stands directly in front of her, waiting until he has her full attention, then speaks, casually)
I am God.
SALLY
(surprised)
What?
CHRIS
(more definitively)
I am God.
SALLY
(confused)
What do you mean?
CHRIS
(pedantically)
I mean exactly what I say. I’m God. I’m your God. Your Lord.
SALLY
(chin up)
No, you aren’t.
CHRIS
(nodding vigorously)
Yes, I am.
SALLY
(visibly forcing herself to be more assertive than is her nature)
No, you aren’t.
CHRIS
(challenging her)
How can you say that I am not God?
SALLY
How can you say that you are God?
CHRIS
It’s easy. I am. So I say that I am.
SALLY
But you aren’t.
CHRIS
Why not?
SALLY
God is immortal. He is in Heaven.
CHRIS
No, your God is omnipresent. He–me, I’m everywhere.
(points up)
I’m in heaven.
(points offstage)
I’m in the church around the corner.
(points at himself)
And I’m in this man right now. All at the same time.
SALLY
There is no church around the corner.
CHRIS
(Rolling his eyes)
I’m speaking metaphorically.
SALLY
So you don’t really mean it when you say that you’re God.
CHRIS
No. That is the literal truth.
SALLY
Then I don’t believe you.
CHRIS
You believe that I am not within this man right now
SALLY
That’s right. I don’t believe that you are in this man.
CHRIS
Then you do not believe that God is omnipresent?
SALLY
Of course I believe that God is omnipresent.
CHRIS
Then God would have to be present in this man that you see before you, wouldn’t he?
SALLY
(only giving an inch)
Ok. You’re right. God is present in every person.
(quickly)
But that doesn’t mean that every person is God.
CHRIS
No, of course not. But God is all-powerful, right?
SALLY
(Reluctantly. She does not like where this is going)
Right.
CHRIS
So when I make a man speak my words, then it is God speaking, not the man. So right now, you are not speaking to this man. You are speaking to the God within this man. That is me. God.
SALLY
(Shaking her head doubtfully)
No.
CHRIS
Yes. You know that when I chose to make a burning bush speak my words, it spoke them, didn’t it? You believe that.
SALLY
Yes. I believe that.
CHRIS
Of course. So if I choose to make a person speak my words, then he will speak my words, won’t he?
SALLY
(Slowly, reluctantly)
Maybe.
CHRIS
(Stops for a minute, gathers his thoughts and then tries again)
You know how I wrote the bible?
SALLY
(by rote)
You wrote it through the hands of the prophets.
CHRIS
That’s right. I guided their hands on the pages. And I spoke through the prophets, too. You believe that, don’t you?
SALLY
(Firmly. This is solid ground for Sally)
Yes. I believe that.
CHRIS
So, now I am choosing to speak through this man.
SALLY
(Still not believing. Suspicious. But has to try another objection)
So why would you choose to speak to me?
CHRIS
Because you asked me to.
SALLY
(incredulous)
I asked you to?
CHRIS
Haven’t you been praying to me for years; asking me to give you guidance?
SALLY
(reluctantly)
Well…yes.
CHRIS
And I was listening to your prayers. So here I am. Come to earth to give you guidance.
SALLY
(Needs a new objection)
Can you prove that you are God?
CHRIS
No.
SALLY
(Taken aback by his bluntness)
No?
CHRIS
No. I choose not to give man any direct proof of my divini
ty. Ever. I demand that he demonstrate his faith in me without proof.
SALLY
Why?
CHRIS
I tried many proofs long ago. It doesn’t work. It’s a slippery slope. No matter what proof I offer, people always demand more proof. If I make a dove appear out of thin air, then they will say that I am just a stage magician and demand a bigger miracle. Before you know it, they are demanding that I raise volcanoes and call down rains of blood. And when I do, they still dismiss them as mere coincidences and rare meteorological phenomena. Three thousand years ago, I wiped out a major chunk of the population of Egypt and the pharaoh still didn’t believe me. Pathetic. Then, in the end, people always try to make me grant their wishes. “If you give me a million dollars, then I will believe in you.” Like I was some kind of fairy tale genie. You should hear the things people pray for. No. Either you believe in me, as I am, without proof or… or you spend eternity in Hell. That’s it. That’s the only deal that I offer.
SALLY
But if you are omniscient, then you can tell me…
(she looks around, then looks down at herself)
…tell me what kind of underwear I am wearing. Then I would have to believe you.
CHRIS
(Laughing at the unexpectedness of her demand)
You want me to get up your skirt? What kind of God do you think I am? Divine antics like that went out of style with Zeus and his motley crowd.
SALLY
I don’t mean it like that. I just mean that you could easily prove that you are God by telling me something that an ordinary man wouldn’t know.
CHRIS
No I couldn’t. If I tell you about your underwear, then you would just say that I caught a glimpse of your bra when your blouse gaped open. Or that I have a female accomplice who was spying on you when you went to the washroom a while back. You can explain away any miracle if you are determined enough. I won’t play that game. Not even a little bit.
SALLY
(frustrated)
But if you can’t give me proof, then I can’t believe you.
CHRIS
If you cannot believe in God without any more proof than this wonderful world
(gestures grandly at the storefronts in the mall)
that I created for you, then you are doomed to Hell. Sorry.
SALLY
(Quickly)
Oh, no. I believe in God. I just don’t believe that you are God.
CHRIS
(flippant)
Doomed. Sorry.
SALLY
But how can I believe that you’re God. I mean, look at you. You’re just… just…
CHRIS
Ordinary?
SALLY
Yes. Ordinary.
CHRIS
(supercilious)
I have never created an ordinary man. Every man is special in my sight.
SALLY
I don’t mean ordinary in that way. I just mean that you look so much like everyone else. God would look different than ordinary men.
CHRIS
No, I wouldn’t. I made man in my image. All men look like me, so I look like them.
SALLY
No they don’t. All men look different from each other. Men just look like God in a general way. But a man who had God in him would look special compared to an ordinary man. You know. The way that Christ looked special so that John the Baptist could recognize him as different from everyone else.
CHRIS
Nah. When I came to earth as Christ, I looked pretty ordinary. John the Baptist was the one who was special. Until Salome decided that she liked his face so much that she couldn’t leave it on top of his neck.
SALLY
I don’t care what you say. I believe that Jesus was special and he looked special.
(with a dreamy look on her face)
He must have been so handsome.
CHRIS
Don’t believe those paintings that you see hanging in Sunday School. Those are just pictures of male models. Christ looked a lot earthier than that. I was a carpenter two thousand years before Black and Decker got together and made life easy for us woodworkers.
SALLY
But even so, He must have glowed. His divinity must have shone out of him.
(looks at him)
Not ordinary.
CHRIS
Want to bet? How many people saw Christ in his lifetime? Thousands. How many recognized him as God? Fifteen. Three wise men, John the Baptist and eleven of the disciples. Even Judas didn’t really believe that I was God or he would never have sold me out for a handful of silver. I mean, even the wise men offered gold.
SALLY
What about Mary and Joseph?
CHRIS
I’m afraid that they had their doubts. Despite what the Catholics say, Mary loved me like a son, not like her Lord. A mother always sees her son as her little boy, no matter what he accomplishes.
SALLY
Mary didn’t believe in you?
CHRIS
Not really. No.
SALLY
(shocked)
Then she couldn’t get into heaven.
CHRIS
Don’t be silly. Of course I brought Mom up to heaven. Dad, too. What kind of heartless bastard do you think I am?
SALLY
I don’t think you’re bad. I just can’t believe that you are God. That God would just walk up to me in a mall and introduce himself.
CHRIS
Believe it, baby. Belief is what it is all about.
(He pauses for a few seconds. She waits, not sure what to say next.)
CHRIS (cont’d)
Let me tell you a story. A parable if you will.
SALLY
Ok.
CHRIS
There’s a nun in her convent, praying to me, when a dam bursts some miles up the valley. As the water begins to rise, her first thought is to pray for deliverance for everyone in the valley. Ever so devout, this nun. When the water gets to her chin, a rowboat comes by and the man in the boat tells her to get in and he will row her to dry ground. The nun tells him to go help someone else because she has faith that God will save her. The boat goes away.
The water continues to rise, so the nun climbs up onto the roof of the chapel, praying for deliverance all the while. When the water reaches the eaves, a speedboat comes by and the driver sees her sitting on the roof, praying, praying, praying. He tells her to get in and he’ll take her to safety. The nun tells him to go away because she is a holy woman and God will save her. The speedboat goes away.
The water continues to rise. The nun climbs up the steeple, praying all the while. As the water reaches her hem, a helicopter sees her clinging to the little cross and swoops down. A man with a megaphone tells her to climb up the rope ladder to safety. The nun shouts back that the helicopter should go save someone who really needs it. God will save her. The helicopter goes away.
The water continues to rise and the nun drowns.
When she meets me in Heaven, she says, “I was a good woman. As loyal and devout as anyone has ever been. Why didn’t you save me?”
I replied, “I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What more could I do?”
SALLY
(Dryly)
That was a funny story the first time I heard it, years ago. I’d think that God would be more original. Make up his own parables.
chris
(Offended)
Who do you think made up that story and told it the first time?
Sally
Whatever. So what does your story have to do with me?
CHRIS
I’m your helicopter. Don’t send me away just because I’m not miraculous enough to impress you.
SALLY
You’re here to save me?
CHRIS
SALLY
Well, if you claim to be God, come down to the mall to gi
ve me guidance, then go ahead and give me some. Where is it?
(Looks around to see behind his back)
You have a stone tablet with the eleventh commandment carved on it or something?
CHRIS
No tablet. I’m just here to talk. What kind of guidance do you want?
SALLY
I don’t know… I mean, nothing comes to mind at the moment.
CHRIS
That’s all right. I’m not going to put you on the spot. I just came by today to introduce myself. I’ll come back here again tomorrow at this same time. Be here and we’ll talk again.
SALLY
I can’t be here tomorrow. I have a prior commitment.
CHRIS
(harshly)
Be here or don’t bother praying to me for help ever again. There is nothing that you have to do that is more important than talking to God.
(Chris walks away without waiting for an answer. Sally can only stare at his back)
(The lights fade out)
Scene Two:
SETTING:A graduate lounge at a university.
AT RISE:Chris is slouching on a fabric couch across from Peter, another man, only a couples of years younger than he, is sitting in an easy chair. They are both graduate students and have been friends since Peter entered graduate school last year. Chris is dressed as before. Peter is wearing dirty ripped jeans and a torn black tee shirt promoting a heavy metal band.
PETER
(laughing)
You what? You said what?
CHRIS
(with an air of calm superiority, a master talking to a disciple)
I told her that I was God.
PETER
(with amused astonishment)
You? God? God damn. You didn’t really.
CHRIS
Yup. I really did. I just walked up to her, bold as brass, and said, “I’m God.”
PETER
(still laughing)
Why?
CHRIS
(taken aback, slightly)
It just seemed like the thing to do, you know. There I was, walking through the mall doing a little early Christmas shopping and I see her sitting there. So prim and proper. Looking…you know… looking so self-righteous… so holier-than-thou, and she annoyed me, the way she was sitting there so smug–
PETER
(still searching for the logic of Chris’ story)
–Was she trying to convert you?
CHRIS
Nah. She wasn’t there to convert people, just to beg for their money. But, anyway, you know I’m T.A.ing for Old Harry and I started thinking about–
PETER
–Old Harry?
CHRIS
Yeah, Harold Smyth. His logic and rhetoric course.
PETER
I know Smyth’s course, but I never heard anyone call him “Old Harry” before.
(He laughs)
That’s just too appropriate.
CHRIS
Well, I don’t call him that to his face, you know. Anyway, I’m T.A.ing for his logic and rhetoric class–
PETER
–That must be a hoot.
CHRIS
Yeah. I’ve been doing that for three years straight. Old Harry’s a pretty cool guy. Anyway, this year, he’s going to let me deliver the whole lecture series on the fallacies of the God proofs–
PETER
–Why?
CHRIS
Because someone has to do it.
PETER
Yeah, but why is he letting you do it? Doesn’t he like to do it himself. I thought that was the high point of his course.
CHRIS
Yeah, but he can’t because he has to get ready for his almighty panel.
PETER
Panel? What panel?
CHRIS
I thought you’d have heard. He’s been bragging about it to everyone for months. He’s been invited to organize a panel on skepticism as a form of religious dogma for the American Philosophical Society. He’s been tooting his own horn all over the place.
PETER
So he’s letting you give his favorite lecture series?
CHRIS
That’s his way of showing the department how important he thinks his panel is. Anyway, I was thinking about these lectures– I’m going to start out by presenting all of the proofs of God in the first lecture because it makes such an impressive list and then shoot them down one at a time during the rest of the term. I think that that will have more punch than presenting them one at a time and shooting them down as I go, the way Harry does.
PETER
(not wanting to hear more about lectures)
Yeah. I guess. So what made you tell this poor girl that you’re God incarnate?
CHRIS
I’m getting to that. So I was walking through the mall, being a good participant in the mass consumer culture and thinking about how to organize Old Harry’s course, and I see her sitting there all self-righteous, and I start thinking that she’s the one who ought to be listening to my lectures. You know, getting a good dose of cold logic? But people like her are never critical thinkers. They never challenge their own beliefs.
PETER
So you figure that you’ll just walk up to her and tell her that you’re God.
chris
That’ll make her think about whether she should believe in God or not.
Peter
But you think she’s got to believe you.
CHRIS
Exactly. That’s her Achilles’ heel. She doesn’t question her religion, so all I have to do is identify myself as central to her religion, and she can’t question