Texting (The Complete Series

  Python: It was at this store. I was there to pick up a few supplies for EP and I ran into someone who’s…let’s say dangerous to me. Makes me lose my mind and do things I’m not usually prone to doing.

  Me: ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?

  Me: UGH.

  Python: Yeah. Dead serious. I was attacked by some redhead who was dressed like she was from the prairie.

  Me: I DO NOT DRESS LIKE THAT!

  Me: Okay, maybe a little bit.

  Python: Stop interrupting! I’m telling a story here.

  Python: ANYWAY. There I was, just strolling through the shoe store, doing my thang. Then BAM! She’s talking about how incredibly sexy I am, how much my muscles and tattoos turn her on. I was so stricken by this. I’d never even properly met her before and here she is, lamenting on and on to some poor old woman about my gorgeous body. Talk about awkward.

  Me: ROBERT!

  Python: SHH! And then, she FORCED me around the store while she tried on shoes. But wait, there’s more! She then DRAGGED me out of the store, using me as a DECOY while she STOLE! GASP!

  Me: I hate you.

  Python: Oh, it gets better, because she then just threw her legs around my waist and KISSED ME. It got extra awkward when she was caught stealing. I hightailed it outta there as fast as I could.

  Me: I’m never texting you again.

  Me: Like, ever.

  Me: NEVER EVER.

  Python: You adore me.

  Me: Not even a little bit.

  Python: You still mad at me for yesterday?

  Me: Yes.

  Python: Liar.

  Python: Also, I want to see you again.

  Me: You JUST saw me yesterday.

  Python: I know, but I wasn’t properly prepared for that. I wasn’t on my A game.

  Me: THAT wasn’t your A game?

  Python: Fuck no. That was like B minus game at best.

  Me: Is it sad to admit I’m now a little afraid to see what your A game is?

  Python: There’s no reason to be afraid of the python, Monty.