up one's own fundament he did not dwell on the decision for longer than was strictly necessary although the exact duration of the deliberations will never precisely be known due to the absence of the eagerly-sought timepiece
he opened his mouth filled his lungs and called out
the kindly hands that brought nutrition however did not appear
silence
suppose for a moment
what
suppose
this is not the one about the jumper is it
no
and not the one about the young composer with rime in his hair
no
nor the shopping rigmarole
no
o you do surprise me
well i am nothing if not full of surprises
listen young man i will
yes i know you will
suppose for a moment i am but a lad of eight or nine years with a bladder described as under-developed by the big man at the hospital in the white coat with the spectacles like fish bowls
o and did this make you incontinent
well listen and i shall tell you
it was in the night that i would often piss everywhere waking up with pyjamas bedclothes and bed soaked through in the small hours of the morning although this was not as bad as the memorable incident with the powerful laxative administered by a well-meaning but terribly misguided grandmother but no more of that as it will put you off your tea
the big man at the hospital in the white coat with the spectacles like fish bowls prescribed nasty white pills that were to be taken with water and which tasted like drains their purpose being to prevent deep sleep
o so essentially they were bennies
yes
and with deep sleep thus prevented the idea was that the bladder would send the appropriate signals to the old bonce indicating that it would be a good idea to get up and make use of the facilities rather than pissing everywhere
o and did it work
no
well
what happened was that i failed to sleep at all being instead in a state of constant tossing turning and swishing the old feet about in the darker recesses of the bed
all of which meant that i no longer pissed the bed but that i also no longer got any sleep at all
and all play and no sleep makes our narrator a very grumpy child indeed
by the end of a week it was observed that i had gone doo-lally-tap which is no mean achievement for a young lad of eight or nine and so a different approach was tried
it was suggested by the husband of the kindly hands that brought nutrition that a timepiece with an alarm might be used in order to wake our narrator in the middle of the night so that he might make use of the facilities and not piss everywhere
this while fine in theory was nixed by the fact that it was the first timepiece that our narrator had ever owned and led to such excitement that he rose from his not-yet-pissed bed and checked the time every few minutes
the timepiece was gently but firmly removed and the tablets were withheld
other measures were resorted to
o i have finished with the tea now what about the powerful laxative
there is little to tell except for the fact that the greasy dribble of the after-effects of a glycerine suppository were thenceforth greatly to be preferred to the sound of a temple curtain rent from top to bottom and the force of what felt like the sum total of the poor lad's internal organs issuing forth with great velocity in the form of a noxious spray that coated everything in its path
neither the timepiece nor the tablets that tasted of drains would have helped in this instance
nor for that matter anything else except a large black bin liner or a garden hose
about that timepiece
it had a leather strap and a white face with the date in a little hole
not unlike the timepiece which had gone missing during the transfer from the mattress and duvet to the bed and blankets and coverlet
it is impossible at this juncture to say for certain whether or not they were one and the same thing and given the circumstances the odds are reasonable although i might not bet my last hat on it
i might not bet any hat on it at all
a further more desperate call made with the rusty vocal cords brought greater success with the kindly hands et cetera appearing shortly thereafter armed with both the missing timepiece and the large mug of tea
at this point it was possible to discern that there was now time for only four entertainments according to the original schedule but now at least the entertainments could begin in earnest
our protagonist hero and companion the narrator assessed the condition of the verruca which was hurty painful and of the eczema on the big toe of the left foot which was markedly less painful but could almost certainly do with a day off from music-making
the feet went swish swish and the arms went needle needle and the fingers were cleaned one by one after the investigation of the verruca by dipping in the large mug of tea
see previous attempt at maintaining hygiene
it was decided that for the first entertainment the somewhat chaotic swishing of the feet back and forth back and forth would be disciplined and harnessed to whit place feet together then six isorhythmic swishes of the right foot return to starting position pause six isorhythmic swishes of the left foot return to starting point pause angle ends of big toes towards each other click left big toe nail with right big toe nail as if a plectrum
repeat
swishing the feet rhythmically proved difficult in the first instance due to the disruption of the transfer of domicile from the squashy mattress that prevented the floor from opening up et cetera to the previously unknown bed and of the absence of the timepiece and the large mug of tea
a fast swish was attempted on the grounds that if the feet were kept still they would flit and flicker and jump away to themselves at a fair old pace but the fast swish resulted in aching glutes all round and could not be maintained for more than a few minutes
at the other end of the spectrum a very slow swish was attempted but this merely gave the feet the opportunity to do their own thing when least expected as feet are prone to do
a moderate pace was at last established which allowed for the maintenance of a steady rhythm without the glutes aching or the feet going bananas on their own which allowed our hero to begin grooving away nicely in his new bed which in all honesty he was quite starting to like
swish swish swish swish swish swish
swish swish swish swish swish swish
click
repeat
repeat
repeat
a satisfying groove having been established it was difficult to bring the old shankses back to a standstill
for the old bonce would send a signal saying that's quite enough now thank you
and the feet would respond with another round of swish swish swish swish swish swish
swish swish swish swish swish swish
click
enough
swish
enough
click
click
by the time the feet were brought stuttering to a halt and the timepiece had been consulted it was observed that this particular entertainment had gone on for the best part of two hours which was much longer than planned and had thus disrupted the schedule of the day once again to the great consternation of our hero
that said it had certainly been absorbing and he saw no reason not to continue in a similar vein
the feet might become broken in and easier to bring to a halt if they had more practise
and god knows they needed more practise
o and how did you go about giving them more practise
well suppose for a moment
this is not the one about the jumper is it
no not the jumper
nor the washing of the hair nor the shopping rigmarole nor the powerful laxative
no none of
those
what then
well
suppose for a moment each foot can move at a different speed to the other
that is most certainly possible
and then suppose that the speeds of the two feet are in a ratio for example four swishes in the right foot to three swishes in the left
o this is very good
or five swishes in the right foot to three swishes in the left
yes
or five swishes in the right foot to four swishes in the
yes yes we get the idea
apologies
do continue
suppose one takes the number of beats or swishes performed by each foot in each measure and multiplies them together to obtain the lowest common denominator and then works out where the movements of the feet fall
yes
well go on then
for example with the three swishes in the left foot and the five in the right we are working with fifteen possible time slots in which a swish can occur
of course it is entirely possible for the feet to swish of their own accord if they are going bananas
but in order to keep the buggers evenly spaced the shooting match must proceed as follows
one left and right swish together
two nothing
three nothing
four right foot swish left foot nothing
five nothing
seven right foot swish left foot nothing
eight nothing
nine nothing
ten right foot swish left foot nothing
eleven left foot swish right foot nothing
twelve nothing
thirteen right foot swish left foot nothing
fourteen nothing
fifteen nothing
is that clear
o yes clear as mud
the keen reader is encouraged to empathise with our hero by trying the above method
o and how much of this is supposition and how much of it did you actually do
o none of this is supposition and all of it
the arithmetic required on the hoof to get these rhythms going was more challenging for the old bonce than the fibonacci sequence and however many thousands of damned sheep had been jumping over that rickety old gate
however
what
an undesirable consequence
what
this is the one about the kaleidoscope isn't it
yes
gripped by a fervour unknown since being confined to mattress and duvet any notion of evenly-distributed entertainment was chucked body and soul out of the window figuratively speaking of course and hours passed by in the pursuit of controlled foot-swish-nirvana
by the time the right foot was doing seven swishes in the same amount of time that the left foot was doing six the bonce was to say the least over-excited with
suppose for a moment
wait finish the one about the kaleidoscope first
when the swishing stopped here came everything in brightly coloured fragments and the heart sank at the sight of the rime in the hair the thick black electrical cable and the absurdity of being concerned about the marks around the swirling coloured glass fragments and mirrors and the jumper no this is not the one about the jumper which incidentally was from a charity shop and subsequently disposed of to a more elderly relative before it shattered into the shopping rigmarole before everything shattered into the picture broke into pieces the verruca broke into pieces shards of everything that led up to
into the
what
dark and tremulous night
suppose for a moment
i hope this is not what i think it is
suppose for a moment that there was nothing high or sturdy enough in the house
suppose for a moment that a length of electrical cable was tied around a door handle