The boredom is killing you
Fierce headache developing
On top of everything else
Every tendril of your hair
Is screaming in agony
Nothing to do but kill time
The boredom is killing you
Pain is causing you to flinch
In need of a distraction
Must be something else to do
To speed-up a lazy day
Nothing to do but kill time
The boredom is killing you
Your condition’s getting worse
Re-arrange the furniture
Put this here, that over there
No, that’s not right; try again
Till it’s back where it started
Nothing to do but kill time
The boredom is killing you
Check steel ornaments for rust
So you can tell the cleaner
First thing tomorrow morning
If she bothers to turn up
Nothing to do but kill time
The boredom is killing you
Re-read yesterday’s papers
Cover to cover again
Telegraph, Guardian, Times
Mirror, Sun and Daily Mail
Nothing to do but kill time
The boredom is killing you
Refill the pepper grinder
Is it half-full, half-empty?
Do you need any saffron?
Or should you use Turmeric?
Nothing to do but kill time
The boredom is killing you
Open the window; look out
Hoping for a chance to see
…No one in particular
…Feed the crows to pass the time
Nothing to do but kill time
The boredom is killing you
A breath of fresh air at least
To calm the squall in your head
Before the doctor arrives
With powders, pills and potions
Nothing to do but kill time
The boredom is killing you
Check telephone messages
For the umpteenth time today
Blank LCD; audio
Mobile and land-line alike
Nothing to do but kill time
The boredom is killing you
Turn on your Home Computer
No emails to reply to
Double-check on your notebook
Refresh page time after time
Nothing to do but kill time
The boredom is killing you
Four hours after awaking
Seems like an eternity
Was that someone at the door?
Or just a passing shadow?
Nothing to do but kill time
The boredom is killing you
Is the postman late today?
You’re expecting a letter
From an important person
An expert in these matters
Confirming your suspicion
That your disorder’s chronic
Your
Condition is fatal and
You must prepare yourself
For a painless but
Slow death due to
Terminal
Boredom
Now!
Nothing else for it…!
Finely chop six red chillies of the hottest variety you can find.
Rub the chilli fragments into your hands, and through your fingers, making sure that pieces of chilli skin, seed and seed membrane stick to your flesh.
Scoop the surplus fragments into a bowl, for later use.
Now, with both hands, rub left and right eye, vigorously, for ninety seconds, or until your eyes feel as though they are bleeding…
And remember, if they feel as though they are bleeding, then in all likelihood, they probably actually are!
As the old adage goes… ‘No pain, no gain’.
Or, in this case… no pain, no game…!
If at any point, the constant flow of tears from your eyes shows any signs of slowing down, give your eyes another rub, with both hands, applying more chilli flakes to your fingers as appropriate.
DISCLAIMER… Stanski accepts no responsibility for the horrendous injuries that will most definitely be inflicted on anyone who participates in any of the above procedures.
6.Little People
How could she…? Your own Mother; the woman… no, not ‘woman’, not merely ‘woman’… only the Celestial Being who carried you in her womb for nine months, without a second thought for the pain and discomfort it was causing her; who gave you the precious gift of life, and allowed you to share in all its wonders; only the very person in whom you can trust and confide, without exception or prejudice… the one person on the entire planet who can do no wrong!
Do you remember bath night?
How scary was it for you?
Embarrassed at having to expose
Yourself to your giggling siblings?
Worried mum might rub shampoo
Into your delicate eyes?
Doesn’t bear thinking about
Does it?
Long before central heating
For most people anyway
When the immersion heater was
Too costly to use every week
You know…back in the sixties
Only telly was black and white
Everything else…dismal grey
And cold
Pans of water on the stove
Condensation scaling walls
Steaming up the kitchen windows
And clinging tight to the ceiling
“Use towels to carry hot pans
Not the clean ones – they’re for kids
Who must also be spotless”
Of course
Kids in two’s; mum gets busy
Using scrubbing brush and soap
Setting her controls to ‘severe’
First two boys, bright pink in seconds
Rubbing shampoo from their eyes
Clutching towels for modesty
And shivering themselves dry…
Bath night!
Why does it have to be her… of all people… who has to let you down? And in such a big, significant and, not to mention, potentially embarrassing way?
Let’s paint the picture, shall we?
Imagine it…
There’s you, and all your mates… Not just some of them… absolutely all of them. And they’re all at your house… in your living room… watching your telly… and it doesn’t get much better than this, does it? Because outside, it’s a glorious English summer’s day… There’s not a cloud in the sky, and Blue Peter is just about to start… perfect!
What could be better, more idyllic, than that? Luxury doesn’t even begin… doesn’t even have a clue how… to describe it…
Then your mum enters the room… but she isn’t carrying a tray of orange squash and Jaffa Cakes this time, is she? No she isn’t…! She’s wearing that look on her face… you know the one… that look… the one that says ‘party pooper’. And she’s heading straight for the front room window, and you can already see… or imagine, at least… the net curtains twitching, and then being lifted clear of the window pane… so you can now all really see for yourselves exactly what it is your mum’s so worried about.
Ever wondered where Heaven is?
Look around you, you will find
The land of milk and honey is
A suburb of purgatory
Where the ignorant know comfort
Through preying on our misfortune
While our own children go hungry
Though seemingly oblivious
To the dull ache in their stomachs
Ambition can be dangerous
When living in the Dark Ages
Where we play out our walk-on part
In the lives of wannabe stars
Therefore we do not resent them
We offer only thanks and praise
Cough timidly for attention
As we tug at our forelocks
… We’re a people who know our place.
Somewhere in the distance… beyond the planet Neptune, as far as you and your mates can tell, but in the sky for sure… lurks a cloud… a grey cloud… Not a particularly dark, grey cloud, by all accounts… at least, all the accounts of present company; mothers excepted… but a grey cloud all the same… And grey clouds, especially during the summer holidays… according to your all-knowing mum, at least… can only mean one thing… rain!
Well… two things actually… thunder and lightning! But hold on a second… that’s three things, isn’t it? Rain, and thunder, and lightning… Even you lads know that much. But your mum’s in no mood for pedantic arguments is she? She doesn’t have the time, for one thing… That dark… well darkish… cloud could develop into a cyclone, a hurricane, or tropical storm, in an instant, without any warning! Before even the meteorological experts at the BBC even have time to work it out and issue a Severe Weather Warning, or a Breaking News event, to be scrolled across the TV screen, highlighted in red, and partially obscuring the events being transmitted on today’s episode of Blue Peter.
Before any of these events can occur, the dreaded words are issued… direct from the lips of none other than your own mother… the same words that have broken the heart of so many a growing child, introducing them to the concept of disappointment, long before they’re mentally, psychologically, physically or emotionally prepared for such extreme revelations about the reality of life… And those words are…
“Switch off the television… and unplug it at the socket… Detach the satellite cable link while you’re at it… just in case…”
And doesn’t that kind of explain why you grew up so scared of unexpected loud noises, and flashes of light…? Doesn’t that just emphasise to you how, behind every silver lining, lurks a cloud…?
But please… don’t ever underestimate a mother’s wisdom… Her’s is the voice of experience… Believe it.
Dark clouds congest the sky
A tear forms in her eye
Heaven’s lethargic response
To our Mother Earth’s thirst – she was once
Fertile, draped in green
Extravagant…? Obscene…?
Stripped naked and violated
Gang-raped by man’s unabated
Lust for Mother’s hoard
She screams; her cry ignored
Inevitable consequence
Irreversible course of events
Ice embraces fire
Sworn enemies conspire
As four seasons merge into one
Mother wilts in the heat of the sun
Dehydrated veins
Trace scars across the plains
Her bosom deprived of the good
And her legacy…? Rivers of blood
Still the violence flows
No respite, no repose
Abused to satiate the greed
Of arrogant minds that did not heed
Mother’s plaintive call
The writing on the wall
Fair warning; a chance to repent
To console Mother Earth’s sad lament
Dark clouds gather yet
To pose a welcome threat
The weather’s ironic display
Taunts her briefly, and then turns away
Apathy prevails
Obstinate; hard as nails
“Don’t fix what ain’t broke, it’s the norm
Just the calm that precedes every storm”
Emphasise that word –
“Storm” – it may sound absurd
But for our sins, we shall atone
So it is written…so shall it be done
Absolute truth may be contained within
Parapsychological Lucid Dreams
Or Out of Body Experiences
Journeys to the centre of one’s Self
Switch from Physical State to Astral Plane
And enter Equilibrioception
A world of Light between Heaven and Earth
Space and Time in a single dimension
Where Telepathic Communication
And Clairvoyant Psychic Abilities
Are realised through Astral Projection
Using Extrasensory Perception
Nihilists, sceptics and doubters alike
Are unable to grasp such a concept
That intuitive hunch; that gut instinct
Allows it all to make perfect Sixth Sense
Astral Projection
Mind leaves Physical Body
Joins Astral Body
Astral Projection
Equilibrioception
Makes Sixth sense to me
PARAPSYCHOLOGICAL
Makes Sixth sense to me
Equilibrioception
Astral Projection
Astral Projection transports you to a world between Heaven and Earth.
A Plane where Space and Time are contained within a single dimension.
Equilibrioception; parapsychology of Lucid Dreams.
You feel a Dangerous Game coming on, don’t you…?
For best results, play this game while staring into the bathroom mirror
With a rotary electric toothbrush in your right hand, if you’re right handed; left hand if you’re left-handed… place the rotary tip on to the bridge of your nose, bristle side touching.
Switch the power to ‘ON’, and draw the toothbrush underneath the right eye, across the cheekbone, and back over the top, across the brow; all the while, remembering to keep the left eye tightly closed.
Repeat the procedure for the left eye, this time holding the rotary toothbrush in your left hand.
What you will find, by staring intently into the bathroom mirror, is that your eyes will begin to go red as they become bloodshot.
Now, using the bathroom mirror again, compare left and right eyes, to see which is the most bloodshot.
It should be noted that the more times you pass the toothbrush around your eyes, the redder they will become, and the harder you push down on the rotary toothbrush, the quicker your eyes will become bloodshot.
The benefits of performing this ritual might be enormous… according to some… because you are actually dispersing the bags that you will most likely have beneath your eyes.
So it’s not just a Dangerous Game… it’s arguably practical DIY facial surgery too!
Why go for that expensive private cosmetic treatment, when you can be this pro-active?
But, as we all know, there are two sides to every story, and this self-help treatment also has its pros and cons.
So it’s a big YES… you will look ten years younger!
And it’s another big YES… in a very negative kind of way…
It will also take ten years off your life…
If you are fortunate enough to be the proud owner of, not one, but two rotary electric toothbrushes, never attempt to use both on your eyes at the same time…
Instead, use the spare one for brushing your teeth, and the other one for your eyes…
If you prefer, you could always use them alternately, with either hand, for both procedures.
Also, for those of you who are unfortunate enough to be bald, you can massage your head with the spare brush, while playing the Dangerous Game with the other.
The purpose of this practice is to stimulate the growth of new hair, meaning you can finally chuck out that dodgy old syrup…
DISCLAIMER… Stanski accepts no responsibility for the horrendous injuries that will most definitely be inflicted on anyone who participates in any of the above procedures.
7. Don’t Try This At Home
Warning…
Don’t try this at home…
&n
bsp; That’s what you were always told; the caution you were given from the very beginning, with regard to anything that carried a certain risk… held a certain element of excitement, or danger. But isn’t that what also rendered these forbidden fruits so tempting in the first place? Without a serpent in sight, you made your own decision about the validity of those legendary claims of danger in the extreme; decided you could leave them… couldn’t Adam and Eve them… and from that moment forward, everything in the garden took a distinctive shape, and followed your twisted path directly to the first bite.
Heaven
And Earth unite
To seek revenge
For man’s complacency
In turns
My she-devil
Sister and I
Wreak havoc all around
In truth
One and the same;
Double helix
Combining X and Y
My name?
Call me Arthur
Or Katrina
Choose any; A to Z
But know
I am Legion
And my power
Corrupts land, sea, and sky
Be warned
Don’t throw caution
Into the wind
Laws of Physics dictate
Actions
And reactions
Of equal scale
My retaliation
Renders
Consequences
Akin to the
Atrocities of war
In short;
Everything is
Expendable
I’m nature’s nemesis
I am
Harrowing
Uncompromising
Relentless
Ruthless
Indiscriminate
Cruel
Arrogant
Non-negotiable
Extreme
Despite your own addiction to acts of extreme danger, you feel it necessary to issue a disclaimer… words to the effect that you proceed with extreme caution… What you are about to learn, carries a simple warning… Don’t try this at home… ever…!
And this is what you shouldn’t try… ever!
If you have a smoke alarm connected to the mains electricity supply, you must lie on the floor, in the dark, and stare at the green light, without blinking.
Press really really hard, on the underside of both eyeballs, with the index fingers of both hands placed at the centre of the lower eyelids.
This should cause excruciating pain, if done correctly.
After about forty five seconds, close your right eye.
The green sphere, on your wired-in smoke alarm, now becomes a half moon.
As you wiggle your eyeball, the half-moon will move around the room.
Now, close your left eye, and repeat the procedure, with your open right eye.
Now open both eyes, and TWO half-moons will appear.
As they zoom around the room, you can cause them to collide.