Dedication
For Bennett, Jeremy, and Ava—
who have saved me so many times
Contents
Dedication
Why Am I Out Here
I Know, I Know
Unfortunately
Not at All Fun, Actually
Though Tonight
At First We Can’t Find Any Homeless People
We Head West on Wilshire Boulevard
We’ve Been Scouring Our Assigned Area
Suddenly
Now It’s Almost Two a.m.
We Whirl Around
Who Is This Girl?
For a Split Second
Then She Turns Away
The Next Morning
I Mean Seriously, God
Most Days
My Friends
Generally Speaking
Pixel and I Are Only Halfway Home
We Break into a Run
Out of the Rain . . .
As Usual, the House Reeks of Pot
As We Sprint Through the Storm
She’s Shaking Her Hips
Kind of Hysterically, Actually
And She’s Twirling Me Around
And I Know This Might Sound Strange
Then the Rain Stops Falling
I Can Hardly Wait
I Can’t Believe My Ears
I Don’t Get It
Mom Is Exactly Where I Left Her
It Wasn’t Always Like This
I Guess By Now It’s Pretty Clear
I Would Have Tried to Stay Awake
And Then—It’s Morning
Pixel Grins at Me
It’s Quiet in the House
And I’m Contemplating This Monumentally Sad Fact
Which Means
Fifteen Minutes Later
So Much for My Winter Break Plans
Pixel Cocks His Head at Me
I Offer the Coat and the Cinnamon Bun
I Think I See Her
No Dogs Allowed
The Pier’s Hideously Crowded
Then I Hear a Familiar High-Pitched Laugh
Then a Baby Starts Wailing
I Rush Up to the Railing Overlooking the Water
Then He Starts Tugging on His Leash
The Three of Us
I Smile Back at Him
I Can Feel My Own Cheeks Flaming Up Now
Oh. Wait.
So, Just to Clarify Then:
Pixel Rests His Paw on My Arm
Pixel Gives Me a Look
A Second Later
I Open My Mouth to Call Out to Her
Then
Their Gondola Crests the Top of the Wheel
As Our Gondola Begins Its Descent
Pixel Gently Nips One of My Fingers
But Now Cristo’s Smiling at Me
When Our Gondola Finally Reaches the Ground
Something Tells Me
So Here’s What I’ve Learned So Far:
After Dinner
The Mime Bursts Out of His Invisible Box
A Minute Later
Her Arms Are Raised Above Her Head
Red Tears Her T-Shirt Off
The Guys Are Chanting Faster Now
Pixel’s Straining on His Leash
The Girl Looks Toward the Sound
Then Red and I Are Dancing
Pixel’s Glowering at the Guys in the Crowd
Minutes Later
Cristo Clears His Throat
I Stifle a Scream and Shout Her Name
I Stifle Another Scream
Before Red Heads into the Shelter
She Bumps Fists with Me
As We Head Away from the Shelter
We Manage
Then
I Pull Out My Phone to Check the Time
When We Walk into the Restaurant
But As We Ease into Our Seats
Whoa . . .
When a Boy Walks You Home
But
So Now
And I’m Staring at That Hedge
But Then—My Phone Rings!
I Sigh
My Throat Closes Up
Then I’m Lighting the First Candle
Because All of a Sudden
I Trudge Upstairs to My Room
A Second Later, My Phone Buzzes
So I Write:
But a Few Seconds Later
The Moonlight
Pixel Fetches That One Too
So Basically
It Takes Me Hours to Fall Asleep
Then—It’s Morning
I Throw on Some Clothes
There’s a Ringing in My Ears
She Stops Dancing and Grins When She Sees Me
It Takes Some Convincing, Though
And You Know Something?
Noah . . .
But Noah’s Joke About the Spider
But I Can’t Think About Noah Right Now
While We’re Waiting in Line to Pay
It’s Late Afternoon
Red’s Cheeks Flush
When the Elevator Doors Slide Shut
It’s a Beautiful Room
A Minute Later
When Red’s Finally Through
Riding the Red Roller Coaster
Pixel Hops Up onto Red’s Bed
But a Little Chill Shoots Up My Spine
A Second Later
My Heart Does a Little Cartwheel
Yikes . . .
Multitasking
She Tells Me That God Used to Visit Her
Which Cracks Her Up
Then Red and I Are in That Awful Coffin
Because
Then Pixel’s Beside Me
While Red’s in the Tub
It Turns Out
But Then Cristo Asks Me
Suddenly I Hear Red Shouting
At Noon
Maybe I Was Wrong About Red
As We Continue Walking Through the Park
And Now That Red’s All Cleaned Up
Red Gathers What She Wants
Sometimes I Miss Him So Much
Mom Used to Be So Proud
He Was the Best Brother Ever . . .
My Heart Clenches Like a Fist
I Squeeze My Eyes Shut
I Call Her Name
He Asks How Operation Red Is Going
I Send Him Back a Zillion Smiley Faces
Then
We Find the Hidden Key
Cristo’s Yard Is So Beautiful
I Grab a Couple of Towels
Sequoia Yawns in Response
So I Suggest
Somehow This Sound Triggers a Memory
Before We Head Off
Red Peeks at the Picture Over My Shoulder
I’m So Mad
I Dash Across the Lawn
Then He FaceTimes Me
And We Just Sort of Gaze at Each Other
The Bicycles Are Perfect
On the Way Back to Cristo’s Backyard
She Always Used to Say She Did, Anyway
Though I Sort of Wish I Had
I Know I Should Just Say Good Night
When Pixel and I Get Home
God I Miss My Brother Tonight
And That’s the Kind of Guy Dad Was, Too
I Toss and Turn for Hours
Fifteen Minutes Later
There’s Red!
But Looks Can Be Deceiving
I Can Feel My Cheeks Burning Up
Then She Bursts Out Laughing
We Share Another Laugh at This
But When I Call Out to Pixel
I Look Down at My High-Tops
A Half Hour Later
Two Hours Later
When We Get Back to Cristo’s
When You’re Riding Your Bike
&
nbsp; But an Hour Later
For the Last Couple of Days
I Don’t Get It, God
When I Tell Red What’s Going On
There’s Only Five Days Left Till Christmas Eve
I’ve Been Trying My Best
Finally
For the Next Few Days
When I Wake Up
When We Get to Cristo’s
Maybe It Would Be Better to Bring Him with Us . . .
As Red and I Take Our Seats at the Library
Red Searches My Face
As We Pedal Back to the House
Because a Few Seconds Later
My Stomach Lurches
I Steal Another Glance at Red
Red and I Collapse into Each Other’s Arms
But Then I Think of Pixel
I Rinse Out My Mouth
Then Just as I Hang Up from the Last Call
We Careen Around the Block
Then
The Whole Way There
By the Time We’re Approaching Cristo’s Gate
Mom Doesn’t Answer Till the Zillionth Ring
I Don’t Even Bother Answering Her
All of a Sudden
My Mouth Goes Dry as Dust
Red Shrinks Away from Me
But I Don’t Know How to Help Her
Then Suddenly I’m Standing in the Chapel
The Crashgrinding Roar
My Fingers Start Tingling
Then She Bursts Out Laughing
It’s So Total and Complete
I Leap onto My Bike
But I Can’t!
Then
I Whirl Around and Around
A Sharp Pain Rips Through My Chest
Did Red Feel Just Like Jimmy?
My Body Feels So Heavy All of a Sudden
Then I Hear a Sound
She’s Going to Jump!
I Begin Pretending to Cry
She’s Standing There Frozen
And Then I’m Running Toward Her Too
We Cry
We Pull Apart and Lock Eyes
A Few Delirious Minutes Later
I Can’t Help Cracking Up at This
And We’re Just Sort of Sitting Here
And Just Then
I Hold My Phone Out to Red
I Tell Her All About Noah
The Ice in Red’s Eyes Has Melted
My Dad Doesn’t Really Like Alcohol
The Truth Is
I Just Wanted to Have Some Fun
I Stopped in My Tracks
But
Red Squeezes My Hand
Then Red Gathers Me into Her Arms
Suddenly Red Pulls Away from Me
Pixel Cocks His Head at Me
I Suck in a Breath
I Give Red a Giant Bear Hug
I Can Tell By the Look on Her Face
I Wish I Could Say
So What Red’s Mom Actually Says Is This:
Her Mom’s Crying Now
After I Say Good-Bye
Red Wraps Her Arms Around Herself
My Blood Freezes
Now Red Breaks into a Run
Her Eyes . . .
Keeping a Tight Hold on Her Hand
The Ambulance Arrives Five Minutes Later
This Isn’t Just a Sprinkle
A Second Later
My Parents Pick Up on the Very First Ring
And That’s When I Realize
A Few Minutes Later
When My Parents Finally Let Go of Me
Then I Leap onto My Bike
Pretty Soon
When She Opens Her Eyes Again
I Can Feel Her Words
I Refuse to Cry . . . I Absolutely Refuse!
Then She Heaves a Ragged Sigh
I Let My Mother’s Words
Until Today
When Mom and I
When We Get to Cristo’s
When She’s Done
While Sequoia Eats Her Dinner
I Feel So Overwhelmed All of a Sudden
My Battery’s Totally Dead
I’m Not Going to Say
The Truth Is
But When It Gets Real Bad
When I Wake Up on December 31st
Halfway There
I Pedal Through Palisades Park
A Part of Me
When I Answer Cristo’s Call
What I Know Now
Then
I’m Still Not Sure If God Exists
It’s Almost Midnight
The Emcee Starts Counting Down
Acknowledgments
Author’s Note
Resources
Back Ads
About the Author
Books by Sonya Sones
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
Why Am I Out Here
In the middle of the freaking night
wandering the streets of Santa Monica
looking for homeless people
when I could be lying in bed
watching videos of babies eating lemons
and soldiers reuniting with their dogs?
Because I need four more hours
of community service this semester.
That’s why.
And
I need them
by tomorrow morning.
I Know, I Know
I shouldn’t have waited
till the very last minute.
But isn’t that what
the very last minute is for?
I mean, if God hadn’t wanted us
to wait until the very last minute,
he wouldn’t have
created it, right?
Unfortunately
This morning, when I explained
that theory to my Freshman Seminar teacher,
she just laughed and said,
“Molly, if God hadn’t
wanted us to meet deadlines,
she wouldn’t have created them.
And you’ve known for months now
that every student has to complete
their community service before winter break.”
Which is why I am out here
freezing my butt off
at eleven thirty at night,
with a clipboard and a tally sheet
and a pen that only works
when you wring its neck,
roaming the streets
with my faithful dog Pixel
and 250 other volunteers—
all of us
helping the city
take its annual homeless count.
Which is sort of like
being on a scavenger hunt.
Only much less fun.
Not at All Fun, Actually
I mean,
I knew there were people
living on the streets in Santa Monica.
You’d have to be blind not to notice them.
Though until tonight
I never really focused on them.
In fact, I tried really hard
not to focus on them.
Whenever I saw someone sleeping in an alley
or picking through a trash can
or trudging along in taped-up shoes,
I looked away and hurried past them.
Not because I’m one of those
spoiled self-centered teenage girls
whose idea of unendurable hardship
is having a broken fingernail.
But because . . .
Well, because seeing those people
stirs up all sorts of stuff in me.
Stuff I don’t like to think about.
Though Tonight
I can’t look away
and hurry past them.
Because tonight it’s my job
to count them for the city.
My mom never would’ve signed
the permission slip
if she knew I was doing this
alone.
I had to lie and tell her
some friends were coming with me.
Even though I have exactly
zero friends.
So the people running this event
assigned Pixel and me to a random team
with these two ancient hippies—
Feather and Eden.
Their clothes are so scruffy
they kind of look
a little homeless themselves.
But they’re not so bad, I guess.
If you don’t mind hanging out
with a couple of people
who’ve decided it’s their mission in life
to convince you of the many joys
of a gluten-free
meat-free dairy-free
soy-free fish-free
free-free existence.
At First We Can’t Find Any Homeless People
But when we get to Reed Park,
we spot a guy with a long white beard
wedged into the skinny plastic slide
for toddlers,
a baseball cap
covering his eyes,
his hands crossed over his chest
like a corpse in an open casket.
We stand here for a while,
just sort of watching him sleep.
And suddenly I’ve got this lump in my throat,
and I’m wishing we could help him somehow . . .
The event organizers
warned us we’d feel this way.
But they said we weren’t allowed
to interact with the people we find.
They said we should just concentrate
on counting as many of them as we can.
Because the more people we count tonight,
the more homeless funding the city will get.
So I swallow hard,
mark the guy down on our tally sheet,
and force myself to follow
Feather and Eden out of the park.
We Head West on Wilshire Boulevard
And pretty soon we notice a man
sleeping on a bench at a bus stop,
cradling a suitcase held together
with duct tape and string.
And just as we cross over 5th Street,
we see a woman sleeping in a beat-up Toyota,
crammed full of all the stuff
that once must have been in her closet.
Then, a couple of blocks later, we see
an old woman dozing on a yoga mat
tucked underneath a stairwell,
her fingers gripping a mangy stuffed bear.
And when I see that shriveled old lady
clutching that bear, my heart shrivels too.
And it’s all I can do to keep myself
from calling 911
and begging them
to get over here right now
and find her a place to live.
Find all these people places to live . . .
We’ve Been Scouring Our Assigned Area
For a couple of hours now,
on this totally strange,