The Hunchback of Neiman Marcus
A Novel about Marriage, Motherhood, and Mayhem
Sonya Sones
For my husband Bennett
and my daughter Ava—
who are not
the husband and the daughter in this book.
No.
Seriously.
And for my son Jeremy, too—
who’s glad to have dodged a bullet on this one.
BY THE FIRE
I’m curled up like a comma
on my couch,
swaddled in
my husband’s velvet arms,
watching sparks
play chase games up the flue,
breathing in
our pepper tree’s sweet scent,
listening to her hiss
and snap and purr,
savoring
her sizzling scarlet glow,
this heat of hers that flows
into my bones,
knowing
that our tree’s not really gone—
that even when her arms
have turned to ash
a part of her, the heart of her,
will live on in these lines.
THE POET’S DISCLAIMER
Oh no!
Due to reflow-
able text capability in e-books like this,
the pages might look somewhat amiss
when comprised of poems—
not at all like they do in paper tomes.
If you find that the font is too small to read
and you choose to adjust it to suit your need,
the stanzas might look a tad out of whack.
So feel free to switch it right back.
And there’s just one more thing
that I would like to bring to your attention:
I feel I must mention
that though some like to read
while they rub-a-dub-dub,
you’d be wise to keep this version out of the tub.
Contents
The Poet’s Disclaimer
Skidmarks
What I Learn from Cosmo While Waiting to See the Doctor
Ultrasound
Michael and I Don’t Want Any More Children
But Now–I’ll Never be Pregnant Again
Bad Timing
The Phone Rings–Snapping Me Back to the Present
As Soon As I Hang Up the Phone, It Rings Again
When I Get Home from the Beach
But Don’t Get Me Wrong
Then Suddenly–The Doorbell’s Ringing
Alice and I Drain the Bottle
When Michael Returns Home with Samantha
Half an Hour Later
When Wendy and Tess Come to Pick Up Sam
When Michael Returns from Driving Alice Home
When Sam Gets Home from Studying at Laura’s
Happy Birthday to Me
What I Am
Hmmmlet…
Thanksgiving
Cousin Alice Arrives for Thanksgiving Dinner
Though I Have to Admit
The True Meaning of Wistful
I Consider Myself a Pretty Darn Good Speller
Christmas in Cleveland
I Glance Over at My Mother
New Year’s Resolution
Which Is More Than I Can Say About Myself These Days
But What I Really Can’t Figure Out
Time Flies
Crying Jags
Because
What I Finally Figure Out is This
When Michael Returns from the Frame Shop
Moments Later
My Mother Has Been Admitted to the Hospital
I Hang Up and Call My Mother
The Kind of Girl Samantha Is
And When She Finally Finishes Baking
And Suddenly, A Memory Washes Over Me
April Fool’s Day
Our Baby’s Been in There for Ten Minutes
When Sam Finally Emerges
My Floodgates are Getting Ready to Burst
Writus Interruptus
I Mean, for Cryin’ Out Loud
Then, of Course, Things Spiraled Out of Control
After an Argument with Hubby
Is It a Bad Sign?
When I Finally Run Out of Old Boyfriends
I Don’t Answer My Daughter’s Rhetorical Question
Shift Happens
The Leaning Tower of Me
Chamber of Horrors
A Brief History of My Boobs
On the Way Out of Neiman’s
Cousin Alice Calls
Dr. Hack Finally Gets on the Line
I Tell Dr. Hack That Someone’s at the Door
But…
But Roxie’s Call Has Freaked Me Out
Even My Hair is Fifty…
My Knees are Fifty, Too
For Chrissake–
Maybe This is How It Will Happen
Is This How It Was For You?
How Do U No When Ur Old?
So I’m Feeling a Little Sad Today
Kitchen Quarrel
But I Shudder to Think About Next Year
Where I Get My Ideas
And Speaking of Blood
But That’s Not How I Described It to My Daughter
It Can’t Be PMS
Rude Awakening
Is It a Bad Sign?
To the One-Pound Bag of Oreos I Just Bought
I am Not Addicted to Email
Pepto Abysmal
Saturday Morning
Later On, Back at the Helliday Inn
Damn!
I Hang Up and Punch in Michael’s Number
On Sunday Morning
Why Don’t I Ask Him This?
But, Really
In the Taxi on the Way Home from the Airport
It’s Past Midnight When I Finally Get Home
The Next Day
After Alice Leaves
On the Way to the Farmers’ Market
Is It a Bad Sign?
When I’m Writing a Poem
When I’m Writing a Poem
I am Tired of Being a Poet
And Come to Think of It
And You Know What?
Every Time My Mother Calls
When I Get Like This
Though, Let’s Face It
Anyone Could Have Moved into That House
Actually
I’m In a Huge Hurry
Michael Doesn’t Notice Me Coming
So I Ask Him for My Scissors, Instead
Our Pepper Tree is Failing Fast
On Mother’s Day
I Ask Dr. Hack About My Mother’s Memory Loss
In Praise of Popcorn
I Wish My Mother Were Doing Better
The Last Time
A Few Minutes Later
Before Prom
Hold On–Back Up a Couple of Stanzas!
Just Kidding
A Sentimental Silence Drifts Down Over Us
Oh, Well
A Few Days After Prom
Graduation Day Snapshot
Another Call from My Mother
I Pull Myself Together
But I Call Alice, Just to Make Sure
Weekend Update
Is It a Bad Sign?
Limbo Daze
I’ve Been Out All Morning Buying Presents for My Mother
So I Stomp Out of My Office
Omigod!
My Hand Creeps Out
Suddenly
Samantha Says She’s Craving an Omelet
Sam Hands Me a Stick of Butter
Two Mindless Hours, Three New Bras, Four New T-Shirts, and Five New Sweaters Later
Samantha Notices, Too
Enough is Enough
Here is What the Email Says
Michael’s Not Buying Art Supplies!
I Turn to Run Out the Door
At Which Point
Later
That Evening
It is Dr. Hack!
The Three of Us Do the “Happy Benign Mass” Dance
My Mother is Not a Married Woman
Is It a Bad Sign?
Trying to Reserve the Flight That Will Take Samantha to College
A Few Weeks Before Samantha Leaves for College
Trashed
In Just a Few More Days
But How Can That be Possible?
Samantha Was an Incredible Baby
And Michael Was Grateful, Too
One Day
I’m Cleaning Out Samantha’s Closet
I Close the Lid On the Box
A No-Brainer
Aftermath
I Close the Door Behind Them
Remembering the Day Samantha Learned to Ride
I Take a Few Deep Breaths
When My Mother Hears My Voice
I Just Weighed Myself
And I’ll Cry If I Want To
The Night Before Samantha Leaves
Alice Drove Us to the Airport at Noon
We’re the First to Arrive at Her Dorm
Everyone’s Unpacking
Making Up Her Bed
An Old Friend
The Unpacking is Done
After We Kiss Samantha Goodnight
Is It a Bad Sign?
In the Morning
When I Hug My Daughter Good-Bye
I Will Miss Her
The Captain Has Turned on the Seat Belt Sign
The Taxi Drops Us Off in front of Our House
Our Pepper Tree is Dead
Samantha’s Room
At the Grocery Store
So I’m Feeling a Little Sad Today
The Phone Rings
We Say Good-Bye to Samantha and Hang Up
The Mothers of Daughters Who Have Gone Off to College
Michael Says We Need to Have Some Fun Together
At Spumoni’s
The Next Morning
How Does It Happen?
I Head to the Bedroom to Lie Down
A Minute Later
I’m Still in Mid-Weep When Alice Calls
The Phone Rings Again
Stopping to Admire a Baby at the Cleaners
And Speaking of My Mother…
I’m Really Not in the Mood to Go Out
On a Bad Day
It’s Strange…
A Match.Com Made in Heaven
Double Date
What to Expect When Your Husband Goes into Therapy
I Want a New Husband
I Want a New Husband
I Want a New Husband
Firewood
Our Backyard Looks So Barren Now
Then–Pinkie Starts Yapping
Another Call from Samantha
A Chat with Dr. Hack
United Flight #3534
The Visit
My Mother Finally Nods Off
I’m Blushing in Places I’ve Never Blushed Before
I Have Got to Get a Grip
Griffin Presses the Button for the Fifth Floor
I Feel As If I’m in a Dream
I Gasp and Stifle a Scream
“Someone” is a Lot Claustrophobic!
And As Soon As I Hear It
So…
And That’s When I Notice It
Griffin’s Silhouette Glides Closer
But Then
The Lights Flicker Back On!
The Really Good News
Before I Can Answer Her Question
Dr. Gold Invites Me to His Office to Talk
All That Glitters is Dr. Gold
After My Mother’s Examination
Hospital Waiting Room Haiku
Aftershocks
My Mother Takes a Nap
The Sun Paints the Parking Lot Pink
The Next Morning
I Step Outside to Take the Call
As Soon As We Say Good-Bye
Turbulence
Isn’t It Strange?
I Splash Some Cold Water on My Face
When I Return to the Hospital
Time Does Not Fly When You are Waiting for Test Results
I’ve Never Been Much Good at Waiting
Thank God!
For the Next Few Days
Marriage is a Fire
You Know What I Love About Michael?
On a Good Day
Michael and I Go Over to Meet the New Baby
Sam’s Taking a Class Called Positive Psychology
I Don’t Feel Like Going to the Party
And That’s When It Dawns On Me
Safe and Sound?
Today, When I Call
During the Hell That Freezes Over
I’ve Been Working Day and Night
It Happens for the Zillionth Time On the Eve of My Fifty-First Birthday
I Shove Open the French Doors
On My Birthday
Later On
Culture Shock
Aw, Come On
In the Mail
Is It a Good Sign?
Nostalgia
What I Am Going to Do
Spanx?
It’s a Perfect California Fall Day
I Clear My Throat
A Week Later–Roxie Calls
By the Fire
A Recipe for Butterscotch Brownies
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Other Books by Sonya Sones
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
SKIDMARKS
The first one catches my eye
as I fly down the freeway rushing
to get to the doctor’s office on time
and pretty soon that’s all I can see—
streaming across the pavement
in blurred black streaks
as though
the road’s mascara
is running.
I don’t want to fixate
on these desperate claw marks,
these permanent records of calamity,
but I can’t seem
to stop myself
from staring at them
any more than I can stop myself
from careening toward
my fiftieth birthday—
the one that’s rushing at me
like a cinderblock wall while I try