The story “Wishes” shares a premise with a failed sketch I wrote with Bryan Tucker back in 2009. Thank you, Bryan, for letting me recycle it here!
My biggest influence while writing this book was 69 Love Songs, the landmark Magnetic Fields album composed by Stephin Merritt. Other artists I’ve ripped off include T. C. Boyle, Stanley Elkin, and Matt Groening.
Thank you, Mom, Dad, Alex, Nat, and Michael for your love and support.
And thanks also to: Christoph Niemann, Matthew Schoch, Marlena Bittner, Deborah Jacobs, Michael Pietsch, Andrew Steele, Rachel Goldenberg, Dan Abramson, Lorne Michaels, Steve Higgins, Marika Sawyer, John Mulaney, Seth Meyers, Farley Katz, Monica Padrick, Lee Eastman, Gregory McKnight, Keith Sears, Mary Coleman, Pete Docter, Jonas Rivera, and Wikipedia.
Most of all, though, I want to thank my beautiful, brilliant, magical girlfriend Kathleen, who inspired all the best parts of this book. I love you.
About the Author
Simon Rich is the author of Ant Farm, Free-Range Chickens, Elliot Allagash, and What in God’s Name. He has written for The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Saturday Night Live, and Pixar. He lives in Brooklyn.
Also by Simon Rich
What in God’s Name
Elliot Allagash
Free-Range Chickens
Ant Farm
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Contents
Welcome
Dedication
Boy Meets Girl
Magical Mr. Goat
Occupy Jen’s Street
Dog Missed Connections
Sirens of Gowanus
Cupid
Set Up
Eureka
NASA Proposal
Archaeological Excavation Report: Ludlow Lounge
Victory
I Love Girl
Boy Gets Girl
Scared Straight
Center of the Universe
Girlfriend Repair Shop
The Adventure of the Spotted Tie
Celebrity Sexceptions
Wishes
Confidence
The Last Girlfriend on Earth
Boy Loses Girl
Is It Just Me?
The Haunting of 26 Bleecker Street
When Alex Trebek’s Ex-Wife Appeared on Jeopardy!
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Man Seeking Woman
Invisible Man
The Present
Children of the Dirt
Trade
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Also by Simon Rich
Newsletters
Copyright
Copyright Page
The characters and events in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
Copyright © 2013 by Simon Rich
Cover illustration by Christoph Niemann
Cover copyright © 2013 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.
All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher constitute unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at permissions@hbgusa.com. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.
Reagan Arthur Books/Little, Brown and Company
Hachette Book Group
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First e-book edition: January 2013
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Illustrations by Matthew Schoch
Portions of this book have appeared, in slightly different form, in The New Yorker (“Unprotected,” “I Love Girl,” “Center of the Universe,” and “Trade”) and Funny or Die, Inc.’s, e-magazine, The Occasional (“Dog Missed Connections”).
ISBN 978-0-316-21940-2