There was humpy bumpy camels and chimpanzees.
There was catsandratsandelephants, but sure as you're born
The loveliest of all was the Unicorn.
But the Lord seen some sinnin', and it caused him pain.
He says, "Stand back, I'm gonna make it rain."
He says, "Hey Brother Noah, I'll tell ya whatcha do.
Go and build me a floatin' zoo.
And you take two alligators, and a couple of geese,
Two humpy bumpy camels and two chimpanzees.
Take two catsandratsandelephants, but sure as you're born
Noah, don't you forget my Unicorn."
Now Noah was there, and he answered the callin',
And he finished up the ark just as the rain started fallin'.
He marched in the animals two by two.
And he called out as they went through,
"Hey Lord, I got your two alligators and your couple of geese.
Your humpy bumpy camels and your two chimpanzees.
Got your catsandratsandelephants-but Lord, I'm so forlorn
'Cause I just don't see no Unicorn."
77
Ol' Noah looked out through the drivin' rain. But the Unicorns were hidin', playin' silly games.
They were kickin' and splashin' in the misty morn,
Oh them silly Unicorn.
Then the goat started goatin', and the snake started snakin'.
The elephant started elephantin', and the boat started shakin'.
The mouse started squeakin', and the lion started roarin'.
And everyone's aboard but the Unicorn.
I mean the green alligators and the long-neck geese.
The humpy bumpy camels and the chimpanzees.
Noah cried, "Close the door 'cause the rain is pourin'-
And we just can't wait for them Unicorn."
Then the ark started movin', and it drifted with the tide.
And the Unicorns looked up from the rock and cried.
And the water come up and sort of floated them away-
That's why you've never seen a Unicorn to this day.
You'll see a lot of alligators and a whole mess of geese.
You'll see humpy bumpy camels and lots of chimpanzees.
You'll see catsandratsandelephants, but sure as you're born
You're never gonna see no Unicorn.
78
79
TREE HOUSE A tree house, a free house,
A secret you and me house,
A high up in the leafy branches
Cozy as can be house.
A street house, a neat house.
Be sure and wipe your feet house
Is not my kind of house at all-
Let's go live in a tree house.
80
THE FLYING FESTOON Oh I'm going to ride on The Flying Festoon-
I'll jump on his back and I'll whistle a tune.
And we'll fly to the outermost tip of the moon.
The Flying Festoon and I.
I'm taking a sandwich, and ball and a prune,
And we're leaving this evening precisely at noon.
For I'm going to fly with The Flying Festoon...
Just as soon as he learns how to fly.
81
NO DIFFERENCE Small as a peanut.
Big as a giant.
We're all the same size
When we turn off the light.
Rich as a sultan,
Poor as a mite.
We're all worth the same
When we turn off the light.
Red, black or orange,
Yellow or white.
We all look the same
When we turn off the light.
So maybe the way
To make everything right
Is for God to just reach out
And turn off the light!
82
INVISIBLE BOY And here we see the invisible boy
In his lovely invisible house.
Feeding a piece of invisible cheese
To a little invisible mouse.
Oh, what a beautiful picture to see!
Will you draw an invisible picture for me?
83
TIGHT HAT I tried to tip my hat to Miss McGaffry,
I never should have put it on so tight,
'Cause it wouldn't come off my head
And my neck got stretched instead.
That's what you get for tryin'
To be polite.
84
PEANUT-BUTTER SANDWICH I'll sing you a poem of a silly young king
Who played with the world at the end of a string.
But he only loved one single thing-
And that was just a peanut-butter sandwich.
His scepter and his royal gowns.
His regal throne and golden crowns
Were brown and sticky from the mounds
And drippings from each peanut-butter sandwich.
85
His subjects all were silly fools For he had passed a royal rule
That all that they could learn in school
Was how to make a peanut-butter sandwich.
He would not eat his sovereign steak.
He scorned his soup and kingly cake,
And told his courtly cook to bake
An extra-sticky peanut-butter sandwich.
And then one day he took a bite
And started chewing with delight,
But found his mouth was stuck quite tight
From that last bite of peanut-butter sandwich.
His brother pulled, his sister pried.
The wizard pushed, his mother cried,
"My boy's committed suicide
From eating his last peanut-butter sandwich!"
The dentist came, and the royal doc.
The royal plumber banged and knocked.
But still those jaws stayed tightly locked.
Oh darn that sticky peanut-butter sandwich!
86
The carpenter, he tried with pliers. The telephone man tried with wires.
The firemen, they tried with fire,
But couldn't melt that peanut-butter sandwich.
With ropes and pulleys, drills and coil.
With steam and lubricating oil-
For twenty years of tears and toil-
They fought that awful peanut-butter sandwich.
Then all his royal subjects came.
They hooked his jaws with grapplin' chains
And pulled both ways with might and main
Against that stubborn peanut-butter sandwich.
Each man and woman, girl and boy
Put down their ploughs and pots and toys
And pulled until kerack! Oh, joy-
They broke right through that peanut-butter sandwich.
A puff of dust, a screech, a squeak-
The king's jaw opened with a creak.
And then in voice so faint and weak-
The first words that they heard him speak
Were, "How about a peanut-butter sandwich?"
87
LAZY JANE Lazy
lazy
lazy
lazy
lazy
lazy
Jane,
she
wants
a
drink
of
water
so
she
waits
and
waits
and
waits
and
waits
and
waits
for
it
to rain.
8888 <blank page> 89
THE EDGE OF THE WORLD Columbus said the world is round?
Don't you believe a word of that.
For I've been down to the edge of the world.
Sat on the edge where the wild wind whirled.
Peeked over the ledge where the blue smoke cur
ls,
And I can tell you, boys and girls,
The world is FLAT!
90
SANTA AND THE REINDEER "This is the hour," said Santa Claus,
"The bells ring merrily."
Then on his back he slung his pack.
And into his sleigh climbed he.
"On, Dancer! On, Prancer! On, Donner and Blitzen!
On, Comet and Cupid!" cried he.
And all the reindeers leaped but one.
And that one stood silently.
He had pulled the sleigh for a thousand years.
And never a word spoke he.
Now he stood in the snow, and he whispered low-
"Oh what do you have for me?"
91
"I have games and toys for girls and boys," Said Santa cheerily.
The reindeer stood as if made of wood-
"But what do you have for me?"
"The socks are hung, the bells are rung!"
Cried Santa desperately.
The reindeer winked at a falling star-
"But what do you have for me?"
Then Santa reached into his beard.
And he found a tiny flea.
And he put it into the reindeer's ear,
And the reindeer said, "For me? Oh gee!"
And into the blue away they flew,
Away they flew with the flea.
And the moral of this yuletide tale
You know as well as me.
92
THE TOUCAN Tell me who can
Catch a toucan?
Lou can.
Just how few can
Ride the toucan?
Two can.
What kind of goo can
Stick you to the toucan?
Glue can.
Who can write some
More about the toucan?
You can!
93
THE PLANET OF MARS On the planet of Mars
They have clothes just like ours.
And they have the same shoes and same laces.
And they have the same charms and same graces.
And they have the same heads and same faces...
But not in the
Very same
Places.
<image caption: person with a head coming out of its back and no head on its neck>
94
95
LOVE Ricky was "L" but he's home with the flu,
Lizzie, our "O," had some homework to do,
Mitchell, "E" prob'ly got lost on the way.
So I'm all of love that could make it today.
<image caption: kid holding a sign with a big "V" on it> 96
THE DIRTIEST MAN IN THE WORLD Oh I'm Dirty Dan, the world's dirtiest man,
I never have taken a shower.
I can't see my shirt-it's so covered with dirt,
And my ears have enough to grow flowers.
But the water is either a little too hot.
Or else it's a little too cold.
I'm musty and dusty and patchy and scratchy
And mangy and covered with mold.
But the water is always a little too hot.
Or else it's a little too cold.
97
I live in a pen with five hogs and a hen And three squizzly lizards who creep in
My bed, and they itch as I squirm, and I twitch
In the cruddy old sheets that I sleep in.
If you looked down my throat with a flashlight, you'd note
That my insides are coated with rust.
I creak when I walk and I squeak when I talk.
And each time I sneeze I blow dust.
The thought of a towel and some soap makes me howl.
And when people have something to tell me
They don't come and tell it-they stand back and yell it.
I think they're afraid they might smell me.
The bedbugs that leap on me sing me to sleep.
And the garbage flies buzz me awake.
They're the best friends I've found and I fear they might drown
So I never go too near a lake.
Each evening at nine I sit down to dine
With the termites who live in my chair.
And I joke with the bats and have intimate chats
With the cooties who crawl through my hair.
I'd brighten my life if I just found a wife.
But I fear that that never will be
Until I can find a girl, gentle and kind.
With a beautiful face and a sensitive mind.
Who sparkles and twinkles and glistens and shines-
And who's almost as dirty as me.
98
POINT OF VIEW Thanksgiving dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday dinner isn't sunny
Easter feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and lobsters, lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
99
MAGICAL ERASER She wouldn't believe
This pencil has
A magical eraser.
She said I was a silly moo,
She said I was a liar too,
She dared me prove that it was true,
And so what could I do-
I erased her!
100
SPAGHETTI Spaghetti, spaghetti, all over the place,
Up to my elbows-up to my face.
Over the carpet and under the chairs.
Into the hammock and wound round the stairs,
Filling the bathtub and covering the desk,
Making the sofa a mad mushy mess.
The party is ruined, I'm terribly worried,
The guests have all left (unless they're all buried).
I told them, "Bring presents." I said, "Throw confetti.'
I guess they heard wrong
'Cause they all threw spaghetti!
101
HELPING Agatha Fry, she made a pie.
And Christopher John helped bake it.
Christopher John, he mowed the lawn.
And Agatha Fry helped rake it.
Zachary Zugg took out the rug,
And Jennifer Joy helped shake it.
And Jennifer Joy, she made a toy.
And Zachary Zugg helped break it.
And some kind of help
Is the kind of help
That helping's all about.
And some kind of help
Is the kind of help
We all can do without.
IF I HAD A BRONTOSAURUS If I had a brontosaurus,
I would name him Horace or Morris.
But if suddenly one day he had
A lot of little brontosauri-
I would change his name
To Laurie.
104
BENJAMIN BUNNN Poor Benjamin Bunnn,
From Wilmington,
His buttons will not come undone.
He hasn't changed his clothes since last July.
And why?
'Cause no one can unbutton him
No matter how they try, poor guy.
And all that he can take off are his socks and shoes and tie,
And all that he can do is sit and bite his tongue and cry.
And he cannot take a bath-so just lets the water run.
And he can't go to the toilet, and he can't get any sun,
And life just isn't any fun
For Benjamin Bunnn, from Wilmington,
Whose buttons will not come undone.
105
THE BATTLE Would you like to hear
Of the terrible night
When I bravely fought the-
&
nbsp; No?
All right.
MINNOW MINNIE
May I ask you if you've noticed,
May I ask you if you've seen
My minnow Minnie
Who was swimmin'
In your Ovaltine?
For you've gone and drunk it up, dear.
And she isn't in the cup, dear.
And she's nowhere to be found, dear.
Do you think that she has drowned, dear?
106
THE RAZOR-TAILED WREN The razor-tailed wren.
He'll pretend he's your friend
As he cuts all the grass on your lawn.
But do not leave anything
Sticking far out
Or swishity-it will be gone.
<image caption: someone with a long nose whose tip got cut off by the tail of the razor-tailed wren flying by> 107
PLEASE DO NOT
MAKE F
UN OF
ME AN
D PLEAS
E DON'T
LAUGH
IT ISN'T
EASY T
O WRIT
E A PO
EM ON
THE NE
CK OF
A RUN
NING
GIRA
FFE.
108
THE BLOATH In the undergrowth
There dwells a Bloath
Who feeds upon poets and tea.
Luckily, I know this about him
While he knows almost nothing of me!
109
THE YIPIYUK In the swamplands long ago,
Where the weeds and mudglumps grow,
A Yipiyuk bit on my toe ...
Exactly why I do not know.
I kicked and cried
And hollered "Oh"-
The Yipiyuk would not let go.
I whispered to him soft and low-
The Yipiyuk would not let go.
I shouted "Stop," "Desist" and "Whoa"-
The Yipiyuk would not let go.
Yes, that was sixteen years ago.
And the Yipiyuk still won't let go.
The snow may fall.
The winds may blow-
The Yipiyuk will not let go.
The snow may melt.
The grass may grow-
The Yipiyuk will not let go.
I drag him 'round each place I go.
This Yipiyuk that won't let go.
And now my child at last you know
Exactly why I walk so slow.
110110
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111
WHAT'S IN THE SACK? What's in the sack? What's in the sack?
Is it some mushrooms or is it the moon?
Is it love letters or downy goosefeathers?
Or maybe the world's most enormous balloon?
What's in the sack? That's all they ask me.
Could it be popcorn or marbles or books?
Is it two years' worth of your dirty laundry,
Or the biggest ol' meatball that's ever been cooked?