It’s strange to think of how much energy people poured into JT’s existence. And through their collective energy, it was as though JT had come into being, separate from Laura or me. No wonder people felt betrayed.
JT had funneled emotions and thoughts between Laura and me as if through an invisible pipeline. It had become much more satisfying to triangulate our lives. In a sense, Laura, JT, and I had found a whole new way of communicating. Now our trinity was severed. Really, I was preparing to mourn the loss of two people. I worried that since JT was gone, Laura was soon to follow. I had worried when she said she wanted to disappear. I wanted her to find a way to live as herself and be acknowledged as a writer. I also worried that our friendship was over. Now that we weren’t connected through JT, she wouldn’t want me anymore. She would leave me behind. A part of me wished that I had walked away first. But I would never have been ready to say goodbye to him; it would never have been the right time. In truth, I had no idea what my life would be about without JT.
On the floor in my office, I felt a warmth in my crotch, and I realized, stunned, that I had started my period, which I wasn’t expecting. I lay there feeling paralyzed. After years of complaining about how JT had distracted me from my life, I now had to face myself and my fears of failure, and create something on my own. I looked gratefully at the pins stuck in the carpet, the knots of thread and scraps of fabric littering the floor. Tomorrow morning, I thought, I will copy out the sizes for a pair of pants and a shirt pattern. I will source the fabric and buttons. I will miss JT. And I will hold him dear as I learn to live as myself.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I would like to thank the people in my life who made this book possible: Hennessey, Sharon, Laura, Geoff, John, and all of the family and friends who supported me through this time. A special thanks to Mary Ellen Mark.
Thank you to Mick Rock, Juergen Teller, and Angela Scrivani.
And to those who helped in the process of creating Girl Boy Girl—Martha Kaplan, Amy Scholder, and everyone at Seven Stories Press—thank you for believing in me.
1 I may be misremembering some of the names of my Italian publishers.
2 I can’t remember the names of the Japanese publishers and film distributors so these are made up.
3 I can’t remember the name of the band so I’ve made this one up.
© 2008 by Savannah Knoop
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including mechanical, electric, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Knoop, Savannah.
p. cm.
eISBN : 978-1-583-22990-3
1. Knoop, Savannah. 2. Popular culture--United States. I. Title.
CT275.K665A3 2008
306.0973--dc22
2008020029
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