“I was prepared to hate this book, but Sarah Dunn has managed to fuse frighteningly on-target observations with a historical perspective that is so often lost when people talk about slackers.
A tremendously funny book.”
—Richard Linklater, director of Stacker, Dazed and Confused, and Before Sunrise
Copyright
Copyright © 1994 by Sarah Dunn
All rights reserved.
Warner Books, Inc.
Hachette Book Group
237 Park Avenue
New York, NY 10017
Visit our website at www.HachetteBookGroup.com.
First eBook Edition: September 2009
ISBN: 978-0-446-56493-9
For Nana,
who is not a slacker
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I’d like to thank Nick Ellison, whose tireless efforts on my behalf have surpassed what could be expected of any mortal, and who has become both friend and agent. Also thanks to Mauro DiPreta, who not only superbly edited and shepherded this manuscript through production, but also demonstrated the sort of trust that only a slacker can appreciate when he gave me the Warner Books Federal Express account number.
David Warner, editor of the Philadelphia City Paper, can be held largely responsible for what has become of my career; I owe him a lot, not the least of which are about twenty columns that I was too lazy to write while working on this project. Thanks are also owed to Richard Linklater, who provided the inspiration for this book and an entire generation with his seminal film Slacker. Go rent it.
I, perhaps unwisely, elected to work with a few slackers in order to complete this book. I never got any of their work on time, but when I got it, it was great. Thanks to Christopher Borromeo, for his photos, Chris Gore, editor of Film Threat magazine, for the Slacker Film Round-up, and Katherine Dahlsgaard, for her herculean efforts as my research assistant. I also owe a huge debt to Bumby Vanover who was influential in both the conception and delivery of this book; at least half the chromosomes rightly belong to him.
Thanks to Alice Wood, for her enthusiasm and encouragement, and Michael Lynn-Hale, who did her best to keep me sane.
Countless people offered up their thoughts, theories, and occasionally even unsolicited intimate details about their personal lives in order to further my slack education, but I can say quite honestly that without hours of sitting in Makam’s Kitchen drinking coffee with a few of them, this book would never have been written. My utmost gratitude goes to: Paul Dellevigne, Steven Eckstein, and Greg Swartzentruber. Also, special thanks to Howard Gensler, Devin Williams, Mick Hans, and Charlie Vanover.
Thanks to John Petrie, Rich Carter, Shawn Leahy, and Jan Schiffman of the as-yet-unsigned Philly-based band Trouser, and Tom Dolan, Joe DeBlasio, and Katherine of the as-yet-unsigned Philly-based band New Age Killers. Also thanks are due to Gina Bittner, Alex DuComb, Margit Detweiler, and Bruce Schimmel of the Philadelphia City Paper.
I’d like to express my appreciation for the following individuals, who let me pick their brains, steal their ideas, and/or take their pictures: Lee Wybranski, Lori Marks, Michael Geszel, Alexander Jay Storman, Solomon Wise, Thomas Cannon, Ruth Schwechtje, David J. Brown, Dunkin, Camille Becerra, Edouard Bance, Lisa Krieger, Ananda White, Katherine Dahlsgaard, Kelly McQuain, Patrick Kelly, Hawk, Sebastian Havoc Oz, Lome Peart, Joe Jensen, Andrew J. Turner, Kevin L Burrows, John Cannon, Peter Wilson, Heather Mover, cph, James Andrews, Ryan Litts, Noel Ellerbe, Autumn Russo, Dominic Marano, Frank Iaquinta, Aaron Ferranti, Christopher Miller, Jim Smith, Jeff Howard, John DelHousaye, Tyler McGrath, Adam Bogage, Jacqueline Walter, Casper, Dana Wachs, Anastasia Goldman, Kathryn M. Sibrel, Debi Paoli, Paul Compano, Leslie Brauman, Raegan Fogg, Oddessa, Cory Sprenkle, Darin Basile, Timothy J. Kline, Terry L. Wade, James Eagle, Jacob Lavin, Kelly McBride, Jason McKibben, Eric Crittenden, Elisabeth Hammer, Melissa Ferus, Dana Witengier, Mpozi Tolbert, Juliana Shinn, Moses Johnson, Salvator Anthony Cinqu, Howard Martin, Jacob Lavin, Ned Sonstein, Anna Thea Conrad, Jesse Hershey, Adam Schuler, Shabut Hameed, Raul Wiznitzer, Ted Cohen, and Johnathon Goldstein.
For help with conspiracy theories I turned to a handful of nameless anti-social loners in various cafes as well as to Conspiracies, Cover-Ups and Crimes, by Jonathan Vankin, The Illuminotus Trilogy, by Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson, and The UFO Guidebook, by Norman J. Briazack and Simon Mennick.
Thanks to the board and benefactors of Ledig House, who were kind enough to provide me with free food and shelter for two months so I could live in true slack fashion while finishing up my manuscript. Thanks to Elaine Smollin and Helmut Frielinghaus for their encouragement and support. Also thanks to the members of Sword & Spoon, past and present, who helped me shape my own Weltanschauung.
Thanks for all of their love and help to: Nancy, Susanne, Jean, John, Owen, Mark, Linda, Horace, Amy, Stephanie, Barbara, Shiloah, and Joy.
Thanks to my parents—Pete Dunn and Joe and Carolyn Davis—encouraging me, praying for me, and floating me the occasional loan (which, if this book goes platinum, I just might pay back). Also thanks to Aunt Sue, Grandma Dunn, Jeff, Kati, and Webb.
Finally, thanks to David Urso, who, more than anyone else, supported and encouraged me while writing this book Winnona Forever.
Contents
Copyright
Acknowledgments
Introduction
Hopping Into The Slack
Slack Like Me
Slacking Throughout History
The Slack Sensibility
The Slack Pantheon
Slackers Don’T Jog
A Day In The Life Of A Slacker
Mastering Sleep
Are You A Slacker?
Slacking Through Academia
College: Pace Yourself
Choosing A Major
Knowing When To Leave
I Hate My Job: Slacking At Work
Adventures In Serfdom: Choosing A Day Job
8 Jobs You Can Do While Wearing Your Pajamas
Dream Jobs To Day Jobs
Guerilla Temps Unite
Stealing Things From Work: Sin? Or Practical Form Of Political Protest?
“I Ain’T Gonna Work On Maggie’S Farm No More”: The Self-Employed Slacker
Slacking On The Dole: Bilking The U.S. Government
13 Things Parents Will Still Pay For
How To Sell Little Snippets Of Your Liver For Really Big Bucks: Drug Study Bonanzas And Other Unconventional Windfalls
Forewarned Is Forearmed
Rate Your Day Job Quiz #2
The Look And How To Get It
Principles Of Slack Fashion
A Brief History Of The Goatee
Secrets Of Outpatient Hair: How To Look Functionally Insane
If It’S Not Free, You Can’T Afford It: The Look For Men
Inside The Slack Pocket
Conforming To Non Conformity: The Look For Women
Why We’Ve Stopped Wearing Underpants
The Gap: Out Of Your Price Range
Transcending Hygiene: Grunge Was A Trend, Grease Is Lifestyle
Home Sweet Hovel
Interior Design, The Slacker Way
Code Violations
Inside The Bottom Dresser Drawer
Laundry: Mirror Of The Self
How To Forestall The Inevitable: Utility Termination And You
Ode To The Futon
When Your House Is, Uh, Your Home: Living With Your Parents
The Cool Parent Equation
The Abcs Of Squatting
Dumpster Diving
Free Food In The Mail
Do Ferrets Stink? House Pets As Surrogate Children
How To Make Hallucinogenic Drugs From Simple Household Chemicals
Slacker Soriety
Top 10 Cities To Slack In
The Unwritten Rules: Mastering Cafe Etiquette
13 Weighty Questions To Ponder While Sitting In A Cafe
The Cafe-Goer’s Who’s Who
Cafe Brain Teaser: The Serial Killers
Why We Smoke Cigarettes
Alcoholism On A Shoestring Budget
Hemp Vs. Coke: A Drug Primer
The Chess-Playing Slacker
Ah, Darts: Lowering Your Leisure-Time Brow
My Hobbies
Wanderlust
Slacker Pilgrimages
The Driveaway
Airhitch
Slacker Sex
Intellectual Foreplay
But Who Spring For The Condoms?: The New Sex Etiquette
The Slacker Network: How It Works
How To Pick Up Art School Chicks
To The Victor Go The Spoils: Breaking Up
Sophie’S Choice, Quiz #3
Intellectual Pretension
Pretending To Read
12 Books To Tell Other People You’Ve Read
The Slack Syllabus
The Books We Love To Hate
Useless Causes 101
Arguing Philosophy To Win
18 Key Words To Employ During A Heated Cafe Debate
Film Threat Magazine’S Top Ten Slacker Films, Give Or Take
Unshackling The Human Spirit: The Slacker as Unrecognized Genius
You And Your Dormant Potential
Creating A Buzz: Telling Others About Your Talent
Alienation And The Muse
The Poetry Slam
The Five-Minute Poet
The Art Of Fiction: Showing Off Your Suburban Childhood Scars
The Slacker’S Copyright
Creativity: The Dark Side
The “Start Your Own Rock Band” Kit
The Film School Dilemma
Alternacomix
Qualities Of A Good Screenplay Writing Partner
Should You Sell Out?
Are You A Temperamental Auteur Or Just Another Moody Slacker? Quiz #4
Inside The Twisted Slacker Psyche
Martins Vs. Masons: Choosing A Conspiracy Theory
Alien Lexicon
Novus Ordo Seclorum: Masons In The White House
Conspiracy A-Go-Go
Is That A Safety Pin In Your Nipple Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?: Slacking Through Ritualized Pain
The Paranoia Checklist
The Inner Pain Chart: What Your Tattoos Say About You
Are You Mentally Ill Or Just Slacking? Quiz #5
Appendix
Daily Affirmations for the Slacker
About the Author
The official Slacker handbook
introduction
HOPPING INTO THE SLACK
It is the inalienable right of every man, woman, and child to work as little as humanly possible. Looking, acting, and ultimately being slack is no longer restricted to an elite minority of twenty-four-year-olds lucky enough to spend their days drinking coffee in smoke-filled cafes and writing delicate poems littered with obscenities. You don’t even have to have read Bukowski. In this decade of shame and self-loathing anyone can be a cynical destitute genius. It’s only fair.
The Official Slacker Handbook will help you in your transformation from gainfully-employed sane person to poverty-stricken malcontent. For slacking is much more than just battling adult-onset acne and sleeping til noon—it’s making your way through a hermetic subculture in which important subtleties abound. Within this book lies the sort of information that would make even the most intrepid zeitgeist-forging slacker gape: where to live, what to wear, what to read, what to tell people you’ve read, how to steal things from work, how to forestall utility termination—even how to make hallucinogenic drugs from basic household chemicals. It includes advice on choosing day jobs, house pets, live-in lovers, tattoo designs, and conspiracy theories. It covers everything from cafe etiquette to sex etiquette, from serial killers to suicidal artists, from hooking up to breaking up.
So stop thinking you’re a lost cause just because you own a couch that’s never been propped against a curb on trash day. Even the most die-hard slacker had to learn to struggle with timeless existential questions and cultivate his deathlike pallor. Remember: Slackers don’t have to be overeducated Caucasian males who were raised in the suburbs in the Seventies and are deluded about their creative abilities. But they do have to read this book. Even if they do it standing up in the corner of the bookstore. It’s the ultimate shortcut. It’s alpha prime.
Slack Like Me
SLACKING THROUGHOUT HISTORY
Somerset, Englang, 1797
Education history: Cambridge dropout
Drug of choice: Opium
Formative experience: The French Revolution
Signature affectation: Rumpled ascot
Night table reading: Immanuel Kant’s Groundwork of the Metaphysic of Ethics
Weltanschauung-shaking assassination: Marie Antoinette
Sexual mores broken: Fell unhappily in love with prudish sister-in-law
Basic philosophical conflict: Man vs. Nature
Hallmark of creative efforts: Shocking subject matter presented in simple, unpoetic style with thinly disguised autobiographical content
Day job: Disgruntled landbearing aristocrat
Paris, 1922
Education history: Princeton dropout
Drug of choice: Jug wine
Formative experience: Discovery that he could invite women back to his studio and make them disrobe nearly convinced him to give up fiction and dedicate his life to painting
Signature affectation: Beat-up walking stick and pipe
Night table reading: James Joyce’s Ulysses
Weltanschauung-shaking assassination: Archduke Ferdinand
Sexual mores broken: Associated with known homosexuals
Basic philosophical conflict: Man vs. Man
Hallmark of creative efforts: Shocking subject matter presented in simple, unpoetic style with thinly disguised autobiographical content
Day job: Disgruntled dairy fortune heir
San Francisco, 1967
Education history: High school dropout
Drug of choice: Ditch weed
Formative experience: Hallucinogen-induced late-night vision of Alexander Pope convinced him to dedicate his life to poetry
Signature affectation: Black turtle-neck
Night table reading: Charles Bukowski’s The Post Office
Weltanschauung-shaking assassination: John F, Kennedy
Sexual mores broken: Opted to have sex with his brother-in-law
Bask philosophical conflict: Man vs. Society
Hallmark of creative efforts: Shocking subject matter presented in simple, unpoetic style with thinly disguised autobiographical content
Day job: Disgruntled trust-fund drifter
austin, 1994
Education history: Film school dropout
Drug of choice: Unfiltered Camels and black coffee
Formative experience: Discovery that Heinz ketchup’s “57 varieties” was secret Illuminati codescript (right along with the pyramid with the eye on the back of the dollar bill) convinced him to resign himself to political and economic apathy
Signature affectation: Knit cap
Night table reading: Robert Graysmith’s Who Killed Bob Crane?
Weltanschauung-shaking assassination: Ronald Reagan (attempted)
Sexual mores broken: Stuns dominant culture by frequently being too lazy to have sex
Basic philosophical conflict: Man vs. Me
Hallmark of creative efforts: Shocking subject matter presented in simple, unpoetic style with thinly disguised autobiographical content
Day job: Disgruntled coat check boy
THE SLACK SENSIBILITY
THE SLACK SENSIBILITY IS PART OLD-FASHIONED BOHEMIANISM AND PART FIN DE SIÈCLE EXHAUSTION, PLACED AGAINST THE BACKDROP OF A CRAPPY RECESSION AND INTOLERABLE SUBURBAN IRONY. IN SOME IT BLOSSOMS INTO A HAPPY-GO-LUCKY PROLONGED ADOLESCENCE IN WHICH THE SATISFACTION THAT COMES FROM TRASH-PICKING BJ AND THE BEAR LUNCHBOXES AND MAKING UP SONGS CALLED “JEWISH HOAGIE” TAKES THE PLACE OF SCALING THE CORPORATE LADDER AND SPAWNING KIDS. OTHERS ELECT TO PICK AT THE SCABS OF THEIR PSYCHE AND QUICKLY DEGENERATE INTO A MOUND OF BROODING APATHY AND DESPAIR. EITHER WAY, THEY SHARE A FEW IDEALS THAT TRANSCEND MERE FASHION OR MUSIC, A COMMON SENSIBILITY THAT ALSO HAPPENS TO BE, AS ASTUTE CULTURAL COMMENTATORS WILL SURELY NOTE, NOTHING NEW:
CONSCIOUS NON-PARTICIPATION
Metaphysical paralysis? TV-induced inertia? plain old-fashioned laziness? A lot has been said about the slacker’s trademark indolence, but the point must be made that deliberately opting out of socially-recognized forms of activity isn’t the same thing as stumbling into inaction. If you refuse to be a cog in our economic machine you become, de facto, a detached spectator with a lot of free time on your hands.
REJECTION OF CONSUMERISM
This isn’t to say that slackers have rejected materialism. They don’t aspire to give away their CD collections and live like Gandhi. Quite the contrary. But, put plainly, rejecting the nose-to-the-grindstone lifestyle that’s founded upon the ethic of Purchasing New Things isn’t the same as rejecting the ethic of Mooching, Shoplifting, and Stealing them.
CONTEMPT FOR CORPORATE AMERICA
THE NUMBER OF FETID CORPSES AND DISMEMBERED KITTENS THAT CAN BE LEFT AT THE DOORSTEP OF CORPORATE AMERICA DEFIES CALCULATION. VAGUE SLACK ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT LEANINGS FIND THEIR IDEAL TARGET IN THIS EVIL FACELESS BEHEMOTH. CHEMICAL CORPORATIONS THAT TOXIFY THE WATER TABLE?