on my shoe.
Blue and red lights
blur past,
and I thinking of Dan, poor guy,
and me without brain,
and why I always do the stupid thing.
Why?
What idiot idea
to using my protect.
And it come …
Like Falls of Niagara it come.
I can’t to control
the tears.
My stomach and shoulders
bouncing
bouncing
bouncing
like the
doof
doof
doof
on the night of our
ice skate
date.
And I still can’t to breathe.
‘Come on, Nicu,’ Jess say.
And she making her thumbs do car wiper on my eyes.
‘Jesus, don’t cry.
It was self-defence.
I saw it.
There’s CCTV cameras all over the place to prove it.
I’m telling you, it was self-defence.’
Jess move closer.
Arms out.
We become one,
hugging.
She is warming.
Her touching help peace my mental
and my body.
‘I only want to scare on him, Jess,’ I say.
‘I know you did.’
‘It happen fast.’
‘Exactly.’
‘Maybe I make just little hole in him.’
‘Whatever it was, we better get out of here.’
‘Where?’ I say.
The mobile phone shine light on
Jess face.
‘Liam,’ she say.
‘Liam, is that you?’
Clean Up
‘Ok, see you later,’ I say and close the phone.
I didn’t tell Liam
why
I
so desperately
have to see him,
and I know he must think it’s
something to do with Terry,
something to do with Mum.
In a way
it is
because if it weren’t for Terry
I’d never have tried
to run away.
I’d never have been
in that place
with Nicu.
‘My flat’s not far,’ I say.
‘Let’s go there first
and change
so we don’t get clocked.
Quickly.’
I never knock on the front door,
but I do today,
to make sure Terry’s not about.
Mum opens it and before she can talk out loud
I slam my hand against her mouth.
‘Is he out?’ I hiss.
She nods.
‘Come on, Nicu.’
We slide past her into the hall.
‘What’s going on?’ Mum asks.
She is staring at Nicu,
at his blood-spattered hands,
his face streaked with tears and sweat.
‘Cape off. Trainers off,’ I tell Nicu.
‘And you have to change those trousers.
Mum, you got anything he can wear?
Anything Terry won’t notice is gone?
When will he be back?
Did he say?
Is he out for the day?
Mum!’
She puts her hands over her eyes
and starts to cry.
‘What’s happened? What’s going on?’
She takes Nicu by the arm.
‘Who are you?’ she screams,
like we’ve time for her hysterics.
‘Help us or piss off,’ I shout.
She runs to the kitchen and comes back
clutching a spray and cloth.
She picks up Nicu’s trainers and starts to
wipe away the blood.
‘I’ll be back in a sec,’
I tell them
and dash into Mum’s room,
where I rifle through Terry’s stuff
until I find a pair of
tracksuit bottoms
and a T-shirt
that’ll fit Nicu.
We might be OK,
I think.
We might get out of here,
get to Liam’s place,
keep our heads low for a while
and finally make it out of London
where we’ll be free,
all of this behind us,
all of this a stupid bad dream,
Mum has finished wiping
Nicu’s trainers
and he’s just standing there,
sort of shaking,
staring into the distance,
being useless.
I click my fingers in front of his face.
‘Stay cool,’ I say. ‘Don’t go all weird.’
‘OK,’ he says. ‘I try.’
I hold out the tracksuit bottoms.
‘Go into the bathroom and
put those on.
You’ve got one minute.’
He nods and disappears.
The door clunks shut.
I bolt to my room
and pull out something completely
different to wear plus
a cap to cover my hair.
Mum has followed me in.
‘What have you done?’ she whispers.
‘Oh, Jess, what the hell have you two done?’
I want to confide in her,
this woman who loves me more
than anyone in the world,
but before I can,
the room door rattles
and
Terry
is there,
standing and
watching us.
OLD RED EYES
He stagger in hall.
I seeing
the red eye,
lip licking,
bull sniffing,
the predator animal ready to make kill,
this guy who does
trampoline on her mum.
‘Who’s this?’ he say.
He zigzag to me
at bathroom door,
looking my body
up
down.
His finger goes below my
neck apple.
Prod.
Jab.
Stab.
‘Why-the-fuck-are-you-wearing-my-stuff?’ he asking.
‘Terry, the boy’s had …’ Jess mum start.
‘Was I asking you?’ he scream at her.
‘Nicu’s my mate from school,’ Jess say.
‘Yes, I friend,’ I say.
‘We’re just going out. We’re in a bit of a hurry,’ Jess say.
‘I don’t think so.’ He growl.
Jess Mum try:
‘They were just heading to …’
‘Louise!’ he bark. ‘Stay out of this.’
All time he keeping finger and red eye on me.
‘Nicu? What sort of name is that?’
‘It is Romanian name,’ I say.
After everything that happen
to me
now this.
This bastard man.
So close
he nearly kissing me.
His smell shoot into my nose
like poison.
‘Well, there’ll be no foreigners in this house.’
‘We’re just leaving,’ Jess say.
‘He is. You’re not.’
‘You don’t tell me what to do,’ Jess say.
‘Wanna bet?’
‘We go now,’ I say.
‘You better believe it kiddo,’ Terry say.
‘But before you piss off back
to where you come from,
get those clothes off.’
He put big hand on my hip,
tug
and
yank
at my T-shirt.
‘Get it off!’ he shouting.
Jess shout, ‘Leave him alone!’
And still he pull,
assault
and
attack.
But I no more have
my Swiss Army.
Threw it in drain hole.
I am protectless.
I hear sirens
in distance
outside.
Nee naw
Nee naw
Nee nawing
in my brain.
What to doing?
How to escaping?
His hand pressuring my neck.
‘See you and your type –’
‘Terry!’ Jess mum scream more.
I seeing Jess body tight,
her mum face full of fright.
His pressuring gets stronger
until Jess grab his arm.
Sirens
screams
shouts
brain
pain.
Jess kick his knee with all her muscle.
it happen.
Terry’s hand
exit my neck
and
connect with eye of Jess.
Sirens
screams
lights
blue
red
mist arrive.
I think to using my other self-defending.
Wrestling days again appear.
I escape from the hold,
then
advance my head with full force
and
connect with Terry’s
nose.
Crack
break
bleed
fall
howl
and again we’re
running …
running …
running …
Understanding
‘Come on, Jess,’
Nicu says,
dragging me down the
stairwell
so fast I think I might fall.
But even when we’re halfway
down the street I can still hear Terry howling,
shouting over the balcony
every last bit of abuse
he can fit into his mouth and
hurl at us.
‘We must to run quicker,’
Nicu says,
tugging at my arm.
I make him
stop
at the zebra crossing.
‘Why did you hurt Terry?’ I shout,
and then I punch his shoulder
again and again and again,
hoping it’ll hurt him –
hoping it’ll knock some sense into his head.
He looks like he might cry again
and it only makes me angrier.
I shove him hard,
almost
into an oncoming car.
We squat between two white vans
to get our breaths.
‘He want to destroying us, Jess.’
‘But, my mum,’ I explain.
‘She’ll be the one who
gets it. Don’t you understand?
Isn’t there anything you understand?’
He holds my fists, so I won’t hit him again
and presses his face up close to mine.
‘I understand we have to run now.
I understand Terry is total bastard.
I understand I making your life
more terrible than before.
Tell me what I not understanding?’
Now I feel my own tears come.
And I hate it.
I hate crying
because that’s not me
and that’s not what we need right now.
We need to go,
get to Liam’s
and figure out what we’re going to do.
But we don’t move.
I just stare at Nicu.
‘No one ever stood up for me before,’ I tell him.
He nods. ‘You preferring I didn’t do?’
‘No,’ I tell him.
‘What you want us doing now, Jess?’
I take his chin between my fingers.
We come together.
ON CLOUD TWENTY-NINE
When her lips touching mine
all
siren
and
screaming
noise
stop.
It seem her kiss
sprinkle the magic
diamond dust
on my fear
and
my panic.
All of a suddenly
I’m in hot-air balloon.
Floating…
floating…
far away
into different land.
I am in peace.
I am in
love.
When kiss ends
I returning
into the now.
Into
here.
U with Nicu? Call me.
Dan’s at the North Mid.
Unde ești?
Like WTAF U DOING?
Sunâ-ne acum. Poliția îi la ușa
WHERE R U JESS?????
Te rog sună acasă Nicu
No Junk
We can’t get a bus
cos they’ve got cameras on them,
and in some taxis too,
and even along the high street
to stop gangs and muggers
and whatever,
so we walk
hand in hand,
quick as we can,
breathing hard,
thinking harder,
wishing it were different
and glad it isn’t,
past the tube station,
all the way along Lordship Lane,
miles it feels like,
miles and miles,
until we get to Tottenham High Road
and walk up towards White Hart Lane,
the Spurs’ ground,
Torrington Gardens,
Liam’s estate,
and the red door to his flat,
which has a sign across it that reads,
NO JUNK MAIL.
TEARS AND FEARS
Jess drop my hand
to knock-knock
soft
on red door.
When Liam open
I seeing his man face,
strong
like warrior Viking,
hair sea wave cool.
They have same eyes:
colour of sky
on sunshine days.
Liam look me once over,
same as Terry –
down
up.
His face tell me that he can’t to see
past my
skin.
My foreign.
I want to say:
Hello, Liam. Please to meet you.
But no chance.
I look at my feet
and seeing Dan on my toes.
Still.
‘Can we come in, Liam?’ Jess say.
Liam step out of door and we step back.
‘I can’t help you, Jess.’
‘But I thought …’
‘I spoke to Mum.’
‘Mum? When?’
‘She called a few minutes ago.’
‘Is she OK?’ Jess say in the desperate.
‘She’s fine, she’s with a friend.
Apparently
she bolted and left that arsehole
snorting on his own blood.’
Liam looking me with serious.
‘Nice job, by the way,’ he say.
‘Where’s Terry?’ Jess say.
‘Who gives a shit?’
‘Liam, we need help.’
‘There’s no way. Leila will go nuts.’
Liam nod head to me.
‘We�
��d be screwed if they nabbed your mate in here.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Mum told me everything.’
‘Mum doesn’t know shit.’
‘The police were at the estate, Jess.’
‘And what?’
‘Well, she sees blood on his hands and
both of you changed your clothes.’
‘And what? Two and two make …’
‘What? Big coincidence, is it?’
I looking at Jess.
We pressurise our hands to become one unity.
‘What the hell will we do, Liam?’
‘I can’t help.’ He step back inside red door.
‘Please.’
‘I’m sorry. I just can’t.’
‘Where will we go?’ I hearing the shaky in her voice.
A volcano ready for the erupt.
‘If I were you, I’d get out of London,’ Liam say,
before closing door.
Slam.
Thud.
Lock.
Action Plan
‘Liam!’ I shout through the letterbox.
‘Liam, please!’
It’s not like I thought we were gonna
live
with my brother.
I just thought that maybe Liam would know what to do,
that maybe he’d wanna help
after running out on me
like he did.
But he doesn’t feel guilty about leaving.
He’s taking care of himself
like he always has.
Like he should.
And
I’m on my own
again.
Except,
I’m not
alone at all.
My mind sprints.
We need an action plan.
‘You’ve got money,’ I tell Nicu.
‘Tottenham Hale Station’s not far.