This was now the talk of Sydney and a crowd of thousands was expected, so it was going to be an outdoor event. They’d only done hotels and clubs so far, but Bigmore couldn’t see any difference so he and Hearst settled for Sydney’s Domain, near Mrs Macquarie’s Chair.
It was midday Sunday, one of those sticky overcast summer days in Sydney; thousands of people crowded round a small table with a plate; Bigmore and Chalky in their tuxedos.
It was Hearst’s day, so he elected to have a dump. Fair enough. It wasn’t that big a turd. The boys had seen plenty bigger. Bigmore gave Chalky a wink and a thumbs up. ‘Go for it mate. This is the big one.’ Chalky whipped his monogrammed spoon out of his tux and was about to get into it when he froze and his face suddenly went green. He dropped the spoon, leapt up from the table and ran through the crowd with his hands over his mouth.
Well that was it. Bigmore had done his arse. Plus. The Yank roared laughing, scooped up the money and gave Bigmore the finger.
There was pandemonium but Bigmore was screaming. He charged through the crowd after Chalky and found him down at the seawall, heaving his guts up into Sydney Harbour.
Bigmore could hardly get the words out. ‘Chalky, what happened? We’ve pulled this stroke all over NSW. The big one comes up and you blow it.’
But, despite his anger, Bigmore couldn’t help but feel remorse for his faithful companion. ‘Chalky, mate. What went wrong?’
Chalky wiped his mouth and looked up at his master. ‘I’m sorry boss. I couldn’t. It was covered in flies.’
Then for the first time in their lives, Bigmore swore at and struck his best friend. He punched Chalky right in the face, bashed his head into the wall and kicked him in the ribs. ‘Well why didn’t you #@*%! tell me, and I would have got you another one. You dopey black #@*%!’
There have been variations of this tale over the years, but that’s the truth and don’t believe anything else you might hear.
And that’s where I have to leave you.
Looking back, I reckon this column had its moments. So what do …?
Dates published in People magazine:
So why doesn’t Jack the lad get a real job? November 7, 1989
I might be a racist, but … November 21, 1989
Poofs on parade November 28, 1989
Tall poppies deserve short shrift December 5, 1989
Barrett’s gone a-punting December 12, 1989
The Wellington’s on the other foot December 19, 1989
The politics of pot January 16, 1990
Public dis-service January 23, 1990
Take Derryn Hinch … please February 13, 1990
It’s time to munch our moggies February 20, 1990
A plague on puffers February 27, 1990
TV ads … the real thing??? March 6, 1990
Bore it up ’em, Bruce March 13, 1990
Duck! It’s the silly season again March 20, 1990
Me nude! You must be stark raving mad April 24, 1990
Real men save whales May 1, 1990
Who’s jack of Robbo? May 8, 1990
Keystone Kops meet Police Academy 6 May 16, 1990
Of big wets and bigger hearts May 30, 1990
Love thy neighbour June 13, 1990
Living with Derryn the dunnart June 20, 1990
A week’s a long time in Uki June 27, 1990
The banks: bloody-minded blood suckers July 4, 1990
The perfect murder July 25, 1990
Kill two birds with one stone August 8, 1990
Cross my heart and hope to diet August 15, 1990
Casey’s wace isn’t won August 29, 1990
Jaws 5: The butcher takes off September 19, 1990
Snowed under October 17, 1990
Better a white racist bastard than a black October 24, 1990
A McCullough to cut the deadwood November 7, 1990
Mike, I’m not a racist … just bored November 21, 1990
Hang on … I was only joking November 28, 1990
Sleaze stays when the party’s over December 5, 1990
The last hurrah for Bondi Brad December 12, 1990
Aunty’s aces by me January 16, 1991
Madonna: plenty to grumble about January 23, 1991
How to be an awther February 13, 1991
This isn’t union bashing but … March 6, 1991
What are you laughin’ at? March 20, 1991
Starstruck? Not us Scorpios April 17, 1991
Mad Wax before Thunderdome April 24, 1991
Say your prayers varmints! May 1, 1991
Ambos have to cop it sweet May 15, 1991
Racist yes, sexist fine, tobacconist no! June 12, 1991
A tour de Bondi July 17, 1991
Kakadu, the new Eden August 7, 1991
The republic starts to flag August 14, 1991
Leave no turn unstoned September 4, 1991
An artful dodger September 11, 1991
I’m pulling for ya, Pee Wee October 9, 1991
I saw that and I’m telling October 16, 1991
Dr Doug meets his match October 23, 1991
Digger drops a bombshell October 30, 1991
Family splits: no laughing matter November 13, 1991
Don’t give 0017s their licence to swill November 27, 1991
Cotton-picking genius December 11, 1991
The law is a dope January 1, 1992
Tall tales and farewells January 8, 1992
Copyright
HarperCollinsPublishers
First published in Australia in 1997
This edition published in 2014
Reprinted in 1998, 1999
by HarperCollinsPublishers Pty Limited
ACN 009 913 517
A member of the HarperCollinsPublishers (Australia) Pty Limited Group
http://www.harpercollins.com.au
Copyright © Robert G. Barrett
This book is copyright.
Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of private study, research, criticism or review, as permitted under the Copyright Act, no part may be reproduced by any process without written permission.
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National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication data:
Barrett, Robert G.
So what do you reckon?
ISBN 0 7322 5961 4. (pbk)
ISBN 978 1 4607 0374 8 (epub)
1. Australian wit and humour – 20th century.
2. Australia – Social life and customs – 20th century.
3. Australia – Social conditions – 20th century. I. Title.
A823.3