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I FANCIED YOU UNTIL I SAW YOU YAWN
Robby Dundee
Copyright © 2015 Robby Dundee
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
SECOND EDITION
ISBN-10: 1517265835
ISBN-13: 978-1517265830
Ebook formatting by www.ebooklaunch.com
CAUTION
Some poems in this book are unsuitable for younger children. Discretion is also advised for anyone suffering from a nervous disposition, anyone called Nigel, anyone who is or happens to be married to an unsuccessful clown and finally, anyone who is planning to use a toilet within the next 24 hours.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Thank you to Rachel Evans for her artistic prowess at cover design, Zoe Karpeta for her elegant yawning abilities, and to my wife, my mum and my good friend Gaz Rowntree, who put up with my endless barrage of frankly uninvited poetic texts and humored me with words of encouragement whilst secretly wishing they could change their mobile number.
Cover: Rachel Evans
https://reedsy.com/rachel-evans
Model: Zoe Karpeta
www.zoekarpeta.co.uk
Dedicated to my mum, Julia Bell.
Your determination is an inspiration
A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR
Thanks for buying a copy of my debut poem collection - ‘I fancied you until I saw you yawn’.
You are about to embark on a journey into the depths of my mind; a journey which I hope will make you laugh and won’t leave you curled up, shaking and sweating, in the corner of the room. To be honest, not everyone has ended up like this. I’m sure you’ll be fine.
Please tell the world about this book.
Use Facebook, use Twitter, hire a plane with a message flying behind it. Just do whatever you can as we haven’t much time!
Enjoy!
Robby Dundee
RobbyDundee.com
Facebook.com/RobbyDundee
Twitter.com/RobbyDundee
Table of Contents
CAUTION
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
DEDICATION
A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR
IT’S A STRANGE WORLD
Cash Machine
First Last Date
I’m not well
My Dilemma
Burger King
Pedestrian Crossing
My Secret
I fancied you until I saw you yawn
Wee Wee
Takeaway
Treasure
Tiger and Raccoons
Dyson Airblade
Night Miles
Badger Fun
Keeping it in the Family
Uncle’s Poetry
Miscarriage of Injustice
Gary’s Sandwich
Aunty Sue
Underpants
POO
Angry Neighbor
Previous Poo
Short and Sweet
Toilet Cruelty
Marathon Poo
Delayed Due To Poo
Cubical Fear
Poo Stand Off
Twenty Four Seven Toilets
SPUNKY THE CLOWN
Spunky Must Die
Clowning Around At The Farm
Swim With Spunky
Spunky’s Secret
NIGEL
Nigel’s Lunch
Nigel in a Crate
Dirty Nigel
Nigel’s Angry Cake
Unwelcome Nigel
Nigel’s Mayonnaise
Poor Nigel
Nigel’s Cake
Ungrateful Nigel
More Cake
I Have Issues With Nigel
Nigel’s Written Work
Sleepy Nigel
LET’S BE SERIOUS
After the Storm
Goodbye
Abstinence
Urban Heart Attack
Self Employed
Duvet Duvet
The Runner’s Paradox
A Poem To Sing With Friends
Mandatory Action
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
IT’S A STRANGE WORLD
Cash Machine
Here I stand at the cash machine,
And behind me forms a queue.
They wait for me to take my turn,
But there’s nothing I can do.
I have no pin,
I have no card,
I haven’t any money.
I don’t even have a bank account,
I just stand here as it’s funny.
First Last Date
She warmed my soul, she stole my heart,
She was cheeky, fun and bubbly.
We talked all night, we shared our dreams,
She was, quite simply, lovely.
And after food, and a little wine,
We went our separate ways.
I vowed it would be temporary,
And that we’d meet again in days.
He leered at me through watery eyes.
He talked at me and farted.
He was obnoxious, old and smelt of booze,
I was desperate that we parted.
We ordered food, well, we ordered chips.
He drank wine he’d brought from home.
I vowed we’d never meet again,
I’d much rather be alone.
I’m not well
I’ve got scabies
I’ve got rabies
Don’t let me near your pets or babies
I’m contagious
It’s outrageous
Lock me in a box!
I’m full of disease
And I’ve got fleas
I’m leaky, wet and smell of cheese
I’ve inflammation
And constipation
And now I’ve got the pox!
My Dilemma
Here I sit in A&E
With wife and children
One, two, three.
A nurse I fancy winks at me.
The problem is, she is a he.
Burger King
I’ve just been to Burger King,
And blocked one of their loos,
And I surfed the net on wifi,
They’d provided free to use.
I ordered triple Whopper meals,
And they loaded up my tray,
Then I snatched my food
And ran outside
Because I didn’t want to pay.
Pedestrian Crossing
Little Green Man
Tells me I can
Begin to cross the road.
But sometimes I don’t,
And instead I wait
To watch the anger explode.
My Secret
I take pictures on my phone
Of things I really shouldn’t.
Things to make your eyes pop out,
I take pictures that you wouldn’t.
I store them in a secret folder
And I use the best encryption.
A place the law will never find
Which will save me from conviction.
I take my pictures in the dark
Outside of people’s homes.
I feed my fetish every night
Snapping garden gnomes.
I fancied you until
I saw you yawn
Your beauty shone without compare,
With emerald eyes and auburn hair.
You were the moon,
The dusk, the dawn,
That was until I saw you yawn.
And after that, with image trashed,
Your pedestal completely smashed,
I couldn’t face another morning
And suffer your contorted yawning.
Wee Wee
My wee tastes of ginger beer,
And Fabian’s makes us sneeze.
Bernard’s wee is toxic,
And Digby’s looks like cheese.
Billy has the warmest wee,
And is sticky; just like jam.
Whilst Michael’s wee is frothy,
And it smells like roasted ham.
Maurice wants us all to play
With one another’s poo.
But we think that’s disgusting,
What an awful thing to do.
Takeaway
I order rice and poppadoms
And dhansak and paneer,
And I get it sent to my address
But I’m actually not here.
I’m in the house across the road
Whilst the people are away.
I broke in here on Saturday
For it’s a nicer place to stay.
I watch the driver arrive by bike,
Drenched with icy rain.
And when he leaves,
Still clutching food,
I call them to complain.
Treasure
I’ve been down the park again
Collecting bags of treasure
People leave them near the bins
And I keep them for my pleasure
I don’t know what the contents are
For the knots are tied so tight
Most of them are nice and heavy
Whereas some of them are light
Many feel so soft and warm
With others, hard and gritty
I hope there’s something nice inside
And not just something shitty
Tiger and Raccoons
Come and touch my tiger
And show me your raccoons
Then I want to see your bumble bee
And nibble your baboon.
And when we’ve done some buffalo
And I’ve been inside your shrew
We can wipe ourselves with feathers
One for me and one for you.
Dyson Airblade
I dried my willy in a Dyson Airblade.
Life will never be the same.
It’s battered, shredded, bruised and sore,
And I’m crippled by the pain.
Night Miles
Last night I dreamt of running,
A truly vivid dream.
I fell asleep in Milton Keynes,
And woke in Aberdeen.
I once woke up in Rotherham,
Which disturbed me to the core.
It was grim beyond all reason,
A place I’d never been before.
It happens without warning,
This running through the night.
I can wake up somewhere lovely,
But it’s often somewhere shite.
Badger Fun
Spooning with a badger can be done.
It’s not very easy, and it’s not much fun.
But if you’re happy with the crime,
Of facing court and a hefty fine,
Then spoon a badger
When you have time,
And film it all to post online.
Keeping it in the Family
Stephen had a wife,
And his wife, she had a lover.
But Stephen knew this person
Since the man, was Stephen’s brother.
But the brother wasn’t faithful,
Because he also had another,
And used to meet up secretly,
With the mother of his