abruptly zooms out to view a horizon of icy tundra.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
That's right! You're on Wrangel Island!
EXT. SMALL ROCK MOUND--DAY
The kid picks up an orange rock and licks it.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
AH. HUMMUS OF--
ZOOM OUT:
The kid stands atop a great pyramid.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
ANCIENT EGYPT! Good digging! What's next in store for your taste buds?
INT. A COUNTER-TOP--DAY
CLOSE-UP:
All we see is the kid's face planted into a flat surface. He licks the surface.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Yes, mysterious indeed the complexity of flavors both masked and surfaced in a combination of water, polysaccharides, and proteins, heated to non-enzymatic browning only far enough away from benzoapyrene to retain that certain "oomph" straddling hydration and less pure carbon embellishments. Your taste buds have handled much more complex flavors, but tell me now, where are such delights to be found?
The kid raises his head to reveal a plateful of toast.
KID
Home sweet burnt toast home.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
That's right. That's absolutely right. You're shaping up for a fabulous career in Flavor Archeology indeed--if that suits your tastes, HAR HAR!
KID
Har har har.
FADE OUT:
THE END
THE FOOD TRILOGY, EPISODE I: TACO
CUT IN:
EXT. HAMBURGER RESTAURANT--DAY
A building sign over a fast-food restaurant reads: “HAMBURGER.”
INT. VEHICLE--DAY
PAULO, Mexican-American, thirty-five, meek and sprightly, drives in his ordinary car up to a drive-through menu facade.
INT. HAMBURGER RESTAURANT--DAY
ETHAN, white, sixteen, tweedy and bright, speaks into his headset as he fidgets with buttons on an order panel.
INT. VEHICLE--DAY
Paulo hears Ethan through the speaker built into the facade.
ETHAN (V.O.)
Hi-welcome-to-hamburger what can I get for you?
INT. HAMBURGER RESTAURANT--DAY
Ethan hears Paulo through his headset.
PAULO (V.O.)
Hey, yeah, uno momento por favor.
INT. VEHICLE--DAY/INT. HAMBURGER RESTAURANT--DAY
Cut between the two scenes.
ETHAN (V.O.)
Okay-order-when-you're-ready-thanks!
Paulo searches the menu. He is puzzled.
PAULO (V.O.)
Hey muchachos, where are your tacos?
Ethan freezes, surprised. Paulo believes he can get what he wants with song.
PAULO (V.O.)
(sings)
Hey muchachos, donde esta sus tacos, hey muchachos?
Ethan, befuddled, considers his options.
PAULO (V.O.)
(sings)
Hey muchachos, donde esta sus tacos, hey muchachos?
ETHAN (V.O.)
Wir bin ein Hamburger und ve no have ze tacos, no no, ja? Wir bin ein Hamburger und ve no have ze tacos, no no
(extremely high and dissonant)
Ja-aaaaaa--
Paulo looks at us with mild doe eyes, disappointed.
ETHAN (V.O.)
(sings)
--aaaaaaaaaaaa--
SMASH CUT TO SILENCE:
TITLE:
TACO!
SINGER-NARRATOR (V.O.)
(odd sing-song)
TA-CO!
CUT OUT:
THE END
THE FOOD TRILOGY, EPISODE II: HAMBURGER
CUT IN:
EXT. TACO RESTAURANT--DAY
A sign over a fast food restaurant reads: “TACO.”
INT. VEHICLE--DAY
ETHAN, white, sixteen, tweedy and bright, drives in his ordinary car up to a drive-through menu facade.
INT. HAMBURGER RESTAURANT--DAY
PAULO, Mexican-American, thirty-five, meek yet sprightly, speaks into his headset.
INT. VEHICLE--DAY
Ethan hears Paulo through the speaker of the menu facade.
PAULO (V.O.)
Hola! Welcome! What would you like to order, por favor?
INT. HAMBURGER RESTAURANT--DAY
Paulo hears Ethan through his headset.
ETHAN (V.O.)
For what? Sorry, what was that?
INT. VEHICLE--DAY/INT. HAMBURGER RESTAURANT--DAY
Cut between the two scenes.
PAULO (V.O.)
Go ahead and order when you're ready!
ETHAN (V.O.)
Okay.
Ethan searches the menu, doesn't find what he wants, and turns sad. Yet hopeful, he believes he can obtain his wishes with a sad operatic air.
ETHAN (V.O.)
(sings)
Ich bin ein hamburger, por favor.
Paulo regards this air with surprise.
ETHAN (V.O.)
(sings)
Ich bin ein hamburger, por favor.
Paulo returns an intense operatic air to Ethan, in a crescendo and decrescendo.
PAULO
(sings)
No soy ein hamburger; wir bin ein taco, ja? No soy ein hamburger; wir bin ein taco, ja.
Ethan looks at us with mild doe eyes which beg for empathy.
TITLE:
HAMBURGER.
SINGER-NARRATOR (V.O.)
(gentle affection)
Hamburger.
CUT OUT:
THE END
APPLICANT TO HELL
FADE IN:
INT. HELL CAVE--NIGHT
In a vast cave, a long line of STRANDED SOULS waits beyond only one cubicle wall. A devilish ATTENDANT, white, twenty-five, and beautiful, stands in front of them.
THRASHGOOD, twenty-five, a white, male devil, sits at a card table and chairs. A high paper stack is on the table. An APPLICANT, female, twenty-five, observant and good-natured, is brought in by the Attendant.
Thrashgood stands to greet her.
The Attendant places the application on the table.
ATTENDANT
(bland, somewhat loud)
Application 14,286,962,189, dear Interviewer of the Eon.
Thrashgood smiles menacingly and takes the Applicant's hand. He crushes it. She winces in pain.
THRASHGOOD
Hello, I'm Thrashgood, thank you for coming, thank you for coming.
He crushes her hand tighter.
APPLICANT
(pained)
Mmm!
His eyes bore into hers steadily, greedily.
THRASHGOOD
Be assured that your answers may not matter; you will likely be admitted regardless. Ready?
He crushes her hand still tighter.
APPLICANT
(more pained)
RRMM!
THRASHGOOD
Very good then, sit down.
He releases her hand, and she draws sharp breaths, cradles her hand, and sits down.
THRASHGOOD
Stand up.
She is puzzled, but complies.
THRASHGOOD
Hmm, sit down.
She hesitates, confused, and sits.
THRASHGOOD
Stand up.
APPLICANT
Erm, do you, is this an interview?
He explodes in a sudden rage.
THRASHGOOD
I ASK THE QUESTIONS!!
His echo thunders through the deepest chambers of Hell. She is horrified, stunned, dazed, distant.
THRASHGOOD
(to no one)
Oh, check me out.
INT. LOWER CHAMBERS OF HELL--NIGHT
At the echo, MANY TRAPPED SOULS arouse from eternal humdrum anguish--they thrill, or stand up, or wave their arms and wring hands in agitation or excitement, laugh maniacally, weep in frenzies, gnash their teeth, etc.
SOUL ONE
It wasn't my fault.
SOUL T
WO
Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! AHHH HA HA HA HA HA HA!
SOUL THREE
(despair)
If only I hadn't taken that last bite...
SOUL EIGHT
(haunted moan)
Sssaaaaaaay yyooooooouurrr praaaaaaaayerrrrrs!
SOUL FOUR
You can blame me. We can make it better, both of us.
(horrified realization)
IN HELL!
She weeps.
SOUL FIVE
There's no way out! There's no way out!
SOUL EIGHT
(haunted moan)
Rrrreeeeead yyooooouuuuurr SCCRRIIIIIIPTUUUUUUUURRRESS!
SOUL SIX
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream, BUT THERE IS NO ICE CREAM IN HELL!
SOUL TWO
All hell has broken loose!
SOUL FIVE
What the hell?
SOUL SEVEN
Oh, hell.
SOUL SIX
You're both to blame!
SOUL ONE
I'm sorry!
SOUL FOUR
I'm sorry!
SOUL EIGHT
(haunted moan)
GGGOOOOOOOOOOOO TTOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CCCHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRCHH!
SOUL TWO
GO TO HELL!
SOUL THREE
I'm in Hell!
SOUL SIX
I'm in Hell!
Their agitated excitements echo through the remainder of Hell in a terrible ruckus.
INT. HELL CAVE--NIGHT
The Applicant is distant and harrowed. Her eyes dart around as if to see unseen sounds. She breathes rapidly.
Thrashgood turns to an open cave wall and shouts.
THRASHGOOD
SHUT UP!!
INT. LOWER CHAMBERS OF HELL--NIGHT
The souls in Hell return to motionless, silent boredom.
INT. HELL CAVE--NIGHT
Thrashgood leans forward and smiles a mesmerizing smile at her, his eyes turned pinwheels. She notices him and starts, but then her breathing calms, and hypnotically, she forgets and returns to normal.
THRASHGOOD
Very well. Let's see then.
He picks up her paper application and glances over it.
THRASHGOOD
Hit your brother when you were five, very nice--gave up hope only at the age of twenty. Nice. Onto question one. Have you ever lied?
She thinks it over.
APPLICANT
Um--
THRASHGOOD
You hesitated--
APPLICANT
What? No, I mean,